First, you don't need to apologize. I'm glad to discuss these things.
So you basically started to smoke as a way to get closer to the object of your desire, smoking women. Of course it's a bit questionable, but then, we are adults and we are free do make our own choices.
It's good you mentioned the smell. Yes, the taste is not as bad as the smell. The smell was one of the things I could never stand. Up to a relatively late period in my life.
I remember the period when this smell problem started to change. After my parents divorced, and I would stay sometimes with my mother and sister, but most of the time with my father, there was a period that I would live, time by time, with my grandparents.
My grandfather was a really really heavy smoker and not a very nice character. He smoked continuously, in the living room, watching TV. The living room was always filled with smoke. But the funny thing is that from total hate, I started to realize that that smell turned me on. I think I was about 13 or so. I started to fantasize, I started to like the look of the smoke, and I started to desire to have that smoke in my mouth. It was a period of inner struggle, for me. I had more and more dreams of me smoking. My inner urges were boiling, so to speak...And it strated to become almost unbearable, this conflict. Until that day when I finally went to buy a pack of 120s. It wasn't a decision I had considered carefully. It was just an urge. I was 14, and the dreams stopped.
This runs deeper than I thought. This cleared up a lot for me. I guess how it developed is another issue. There is a name for this, but I forget what it is. I find this kind of stuff fascinating to be honest. What about wanting to blow smoke into a guy's mouth?
