Emotional Immersion and Trust with the Readers

[Not2Pervy]

A great example would be a sentence I wrote yesterday that prompted this post when I had to edit it to third-person because I'd made a mistake today:

This breaks close POV because of the "seeing her" part and the "felt" part, the filter words. In a really close POV whether it's third or first person, you wouldn't use words like this, you'd just describe it as if it's happening to not just the character but the reader as well. In close POV the narrator is just an inbetween entity closely jammed within the character and the reader, so that the experience is largely the same.

The issue I was facing with this is that I don't know how else to express what this sentence expresses without the filter words. If I leave it out entirely, the reader might not even glom on to the experience that the character is going through. While I don't want them to passively and detachedly observe said experience–I want them to feel it for real so that it teaches them all something–I don't know how to achieve this sentence without the filter words that may get in the way of that goal and still go on trusting that the reader will have that experience without the sentence. If anyone could help me do that, that would be greatly appreciated.

Maven’s heart jumped, her pulse quickened, as she gazed upon the living embodiment of her love.

Maybe

 

[madelinemasoch]

Maven’s heart jumped, her pulse quickened, as she gazed upon the living embodiment of her love.

Maybe

Maybe something like that, yeah.

It's because before that, Aella says this:

“What’s real is in here,”

and touches her heart, physically, emotionally, spiritually, all at the same time.

This is a beautiful poetic expression of light inside the darkness that I'm shooting for here, not any kind of "torture porn" story or anything too too shocking, even. It's meant to be more thematic and comes from a deep place of love and inspiration.

 

[YmaOHyd]

I might go with "As she gazed upon the living embodiment of her love, Maven was resurrected." Or split it into two sentences, two images -- one describing the realization of death* and the second describing the feeling of resurrection. I don't know that a simple physical sensation is going to hit the emotional and spiritual note you want. But maybe I'm wrong, and my prose gets awkward and purple at times.

*I don't know what you're doing in the story, but I'm kind of assuming the character's awakening from some sort of emotionally numb state via that heart-touch.

 

[Not2Pervy]

I think the idea behind avoiding filter words is that they can exclude some readers who interpret them differently. For every reader who gets closer into your headspace when you use them, there is a different reader who can’t quite get there.

But by describing actions, relating dialogue, etc., as cleanly as possible, you bring more people in. Then the skillful writer guides the reader to the desired headspace by what the progression of the action reveals. And a writer also has a powerful ability to guide the reader by what actions or facets of the setting they choose to shine a light on. Describe colors, temperature, speed or fluidity of movement, etc. Yes that does require some trust of the reader, but if you do it well enough, most of them, probably more than you think, are going to get it and be right there with you.

So really good writing requires both something like a gift, and also it takes a lot of work.

 

[Not2Pervy]

Writing without the filter words makes your writing more universal. You can reach, really reach, people you might not reach otherwise, because their internal processes are different than yours, but their experiences of stimuli are more similar.

 

[Not2Pervy]

So the problem for me is, when I spend time delving into the minutiae like this, obsessing over individual sentences and paragraphs and scenes, I find it easy to lose sight of bigger issues that might be preventing my story from becoming what I wish it could be.

Sorry for monopolizing this thread. I’ll bow out now.

 

[madelinemasoch]

So the problem for me is, when I spend time delving into the minutiae like this, obsessing over individual sentences and paragraphs and scenes, I find it easy to lose sight of bigger issues that might be preventing my story from becoming what I wish it could be.

Sorry for monopolizing this thread. I’ll bow out now.

No problem. Add as much input as you want to.

 

[SinclairGroupLLP]

I think I fall somewhere in the middle here. I break “the rules” all the time. Rule-bound writing always seemed stifling to me. Call it a product of a public school system dominated by teachers who were products of 1960s trends in education.

Wait, there are rules to writing? I thought this was Vietnam.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Try the politics forum, biggest boobs on lit are over there.

For actual boobs (and other body parts), try the Playground subsection of the Personals section. Of course, there is a new post every three or four minutes. I think some people's main hobby is posting there.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Wait, there are rules to writing? I thought this was Vietnam.

You're fifty years behind the times. Try Ukraine.

 

[AG31]

A great example would be a sentence I wrote yesterday that prompted this post when I had to edit it to third-person because I'd made a mistake today:

This breaks close POV because of the "seeing her" part and the "felt" part, the filter words. In a really close POV whether it's third or first person, you wouldn't use words like this, you'd just describe it as if it's happening to not just the character but the reader as well. In close POV the narrator is just an inbetween entity closely jammed within the character and the reader, so that the experience is largely the same.

The issue I was facing with this is that I don't know how else to express what this sentence expresses without the filter words. If I leave it out entirely, the reader might not even glom on to the experience that the character is going through. While I don't want them to passively and detachedly observe said experience–I want them to feel it for real so that it teaches them all something–I don't know how to achieve this sentence without the filter words that may get in the way of that goal and still go on trusting that the reader will have that experience without the sentence. If anyone could help me do that, that would be greatly appreciated.

OK. Yeah, I think about that now and then as I'm reading. And I don't come to conclusions. I think that the reader's willing suspension of disbelief combines with the author's need to cross that line. They team up to make the situation real.

 

[AG31]

A great example would be a sentence I wrote yesterday that prompted this post when I had to edit it to third-person because I'd made a mistake today:

I just now read a vignette, not on Lit, and paid attention to this issue. If I stopped and reflected, the MC would not use these words in his min. But the words accurately reflected his emotional state. I think the author should not restrict themselves to words a character would actually think, but, rather, use words to describe how the character feels, both emotionally and physically.