SimonDoom
Kink Lord
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2015
- Posts
- 18,233
I think it's hard to evaluate it or provide advice without more context. I think it's OK but it raises some questions.
"Some loot" -- what does that mean? Does she not know which loot she's looking for? It makes it sound imprecise. What is the context? Is this a generalized expression of intention or a description of a specific scene? Should it be "the loot"?
"Moved forward" -- If your intention is to describe her general motivation, this is OK, but if you've got your character in a specific suspenseful scene, then I'd use something more specifically descriptive than "moved forward." How is she moving forward? Is she tiptoeing? Shuffling? Creeping? "Moving forward" is a bit abstract.
"Some loot" -- what does that mean? Does she not know which loot she's looking for? It makes it sound imprecise. What is the context? Is this a generalized expression of intention or a description of a specific scene? Should it be "the loot"?
"Moved forward" -- If your intention is to describe her general motivation, this is OK, but if you've got your character in a specific suspenseful scene, then I'd use something more specifically descriptive than "moved forward." How is she moving forward? Is she tiptoeing? Shuffling? Creeping? "Moving forward" is a bit abstract.