First story I finished

[AlexisIsMyFav]

I did edit it a little bit but I’m sure I could’ve done better. If you want to tell me what i could’ve done better that would be awesome! It’s about chemsex in college

XTC

 

[CalBishForNow]

Welcome aboard.

It could easily have been three times longer. It's too long for a 750-word exercise in minimalism some writers enjoy, while still too long for most readers to get off to, just a very bare sketch of plot and characters. Are Jaden and Maddy just a drug dealer and his customer, or did/do they have a more intimate relationship before this? (You said "if he'd like to fuck her again," but it's not clear if that's referring to the same day or something days or weeks earlier.) Did Maddy take the drug knowing what it would do? Is the drug actually XTC, a.k.a. MDMA or molly, or something else with other effects?

Another editing pass would have been good. You've got "Jayden" once. "Pink, top of the line phone" should be "pink, top-of-the-line phone." The last sentence doesn't have a period. Beyond basic spelling/grammar/punctuation, I'm not sure why the sky is an orange-red haze (urban light pollution or was her building actually on fire? That would be interesting if she's so drugged up she doesn't even notice it, but I'm not sure that's the case!) or why Jaden flip-flops suddenly between obnoxiously asking about her porn viewing and taking full responsibility for the rudeness.

That being said, everyone starts somewhere. I like the approach to quick, simple horniness, enhanced by drugs and general college life. It wouldn't fly so well with lots of other plots, but sometimes it's nice to simply read about college students getting laid.

 

[Wisconsin1965]

I did edit it a little bit but I’m sure I could’ve done better. If you want to tell me what i could’ve done better that would be awesome! It’s about chemsex in college

XTC

Congratulations Looking forward to reading

 

[anthrodisiac]

Congrats on writing your first story! It's a big step, and publishing is even bigger, and even more than that is to ask for feedback. I'm always happy to see first-time writers who are willing to take feedback and critiques, it indicates a seriousness about writing and an openness to learn, both of which are great attributes for writers

You have a aood premise that's decently written. For being such a short story, you actually did a pretty decent job setting up the premise and characters. Honestly, kinda impressed by that. Could they be more fleshed out? Sure. Should they be? Probably. Depends on if you're going minimalist or if you want to have a deeper story.

You definitely rushed through some things, especially the sex. On a site like Lit, usually people will want some description of the sex itself, the actions, not a quick couple sentences.

I think you could do a better job setting up the time-jumping nature. As it is, it reads like it's just a quick series of events, but we learn it isn't. Having more jarring changes to her environment, even if she doesn't fully notice it, would help establish that she's not quite in her right mind.

You also have a mix of past tense and present tense. To me, it's unclear if you're intending those to be direct thoughts, or if it's the narrator conveying a paraphrase of the thoughts. If they aren't direct thoughts, they need to stay in past tense, since that's the tense of the story. If you want to make them direct thoughts, you need to make a couple modifications. One is stylizing it with italics, the other is switching to first-person pronouns.

You have:
At first she didn't think anything of it, who cares if someone saw her? It's not like she's ugly. Still, she closed the window and the curtains right before she heard someone knocking on her door. Jaden! She thought.

Correctly styled:
At first she didn't think anything of it. Who cares if someone sees me? It's not like I'm ugly. Still, she closed the window and the curtains right before she heard someone knocking on her door. Jaden! She thought.

Personal preference on whether you want to have indirect or direct thought, totally up to you.

I feel like if she's all sexed up, on drugs, she probably would've been the one to make the first move. Especially since he provided her with the drugs, he knows she's probably not going to be able to keep her hands off him. It helps convey the loss of control she has, the need, and also shows him as a bit more cool and smug, knowing it's going to happen, but letting it happen rather than initiating.

Something I like to see in mind control/drug/corruption stories is the initial mental state, so we get an idea who the character is before the control/corruption sets in. Not necessary, but it is something that makes the characters more interesting, and gives the reader a great idea of the type of influence the control has, and how potent it is, without having to explicitly say both of those things. If she's normally a shy and demure girl with a little interest in sex, and now she's spending 12 hours touching herself to porn and begging some guy to fuck her, it shows the potency of the drug in question.

Quote:
She felt brain dead, only able to concentrate on the physical sensations with nothing going on mentally.

This would be a great place to focus on the sensations, what they are, how they make her feel. It's pure id, hyperfocus on pleasure and what feels good, the things he's doing to her that really turns her on, whether it's the thought of being cum on/in, the stimulation (perhaps the drug making sex feel better than she's ever had it), whatever it is.

There are some grammar issues. Pretty easy to find in a standard spellcheck, so I'd recommend running one if you didn't before. If you have, then there are a couple things to note:

• When using speech tags (person + speaking verb; ex: he said/asked), the first word after the comma shouldn't be capitalied unless it's a proper noun. (Ex: "Worth it?" Teased Jayden. should be "Worth it?" teased Jayden.)
• Compound adjectives. Adjectives that have multiple words to describe a single modifier should be hyphenated. (Ex: "she grabbed her pink, top of the line phone to shut it off." should be "she grabbed her pink, top-of-the-line phone to shut it off." And "her eyes seemed drawn to her low level drug dealer." should be "her eyes seemed drawn to her low-level drug dealer.)

All in all, you have a very solid first story. You should be proud of this. Writing is about improvement and building on what you learn, taking lessons from every story you write to make the next one even better. Writing is a skill that takes time to develop, and one that can never be perfected.

Keep up the good work

 

[SmilingLez]

I did edit it a little bit but I’m sure I could’ve done better. If you want to tell me what i could’ve done better that would be awesome! It’s about chemsex in college

XTC

It is a great first attempt at flash fiction. The only critique I would give is to show not tell . Because of the length, flash fiction needs to be focused, tight, and must deliver a punch in less than 1,000-ish words

 

[AlexisIsMyFav]

Tha

Welcome aboard.

It could easily have been three times longer. It's too long for a 750-word exercise in minimalism some writers enjoy, while still too long for most readers to get off to, just a very bare sketch of plot and characters. Are Jaden and Maddy just a drug dealer and his customer, or did/do they have a more intimate relationship before this? (You said "if he'd like to fuck her again," but it's not clear if that's referring to the same day or something days or weeks earlier.) Did Maddy take the drug knowing what it would do? Is the drug actually XTC, a.k.a. MDMA or molly, or something else with other effects?

Another editing pass would have been good. You've got "Jayden" once. "Pink, top of the line phone" should be "pink, top-of-the-line phone." The last sentence doesn't have a period. Beyond basic spelling/grammar/punctuation, I'm not sure why the sky is an orange-red haze (urban light pollution or was her building actually on fire? That would be interesting if she's so drugged up she doesn't even notice it, but I'm not sure that's the case!) or why Jaden flip-flops suddenly between obnoxiously asking about her porn viewing and taking full responsibility for the rudeness.

That being said, everyone starts somewhere. I like the approach to quick, simple horniness, enhanced by drugs and general college life. It wouldn't fly so well with lots of other plots, but sometimes it's nice to simply read about college students getting laid.

nks for taking the time to read and critique it. I think I’ll try to rewrite it longer, or at least get the next one longer.

 

[AlexisIsMyFav]

Congrats on writing your first story! It's a big step, and publishing is even bigger, and even more than that is to ask for feedback. I'm always happy to see first-time writers who are willing to take feedback and critiques, it indicates a seriousness about writing and an openness to learn, both of which are great attributes for writers

You have a aood premise that's decently written. For being such a short story, you actually did a pretty decent job setting up the premise and characters. Honestly, kinda impressed by that. Could they be more fleshed out? Sure. Should they be? Probably. Depends on if you're going minimalist or if you want to have a deeper story.

You definitely rushed through some things, especially the sex. On a site like Lit, usually people will want some description of the sex itself, the actions, not a quick couple sentences.

I think you could do a better job setting up the time-jumping nature. As it is, it reads like it's just a quick series of events, but we learn it isn't. Having more jarring changes to her environment, even if she doesn't fully notice it, would help establish that she's not quite in her right mind.

You also have a mix of past tense and present tense. To me, it's unclear if you're intending those to be direct thoughts, or if it's the narrator conveying a paraphrase of the thoughts. If they aren't direct thoughts, they need to stay in past tense, since that's the tense of the story. If you want to make them direct thoughts, you need to make a couple modifications. One is stylizing it with italics, the other is switching to first-person pronouns.

You have:
At first she didn't think anything of it, who cares if someone saw her? It's not like she's ugly. Still, she closed the window and the curtains right before she heard someone knocking on her door. Jaden! She thought.

Correctly styled:
At first she didn't think anything of it. Who cares if someone sees me? It's not like I'm ugly. Still, she closed the window and the curtains right before she heard someone knocking on her door. Jaden! She thought.

Personal preference on whether you want to have indirect or direct thought, totally up to you.

I feel like if she's all sexed up, on drugs, she probably would've been the one to make the first move. Especially since he provided her with the drugs, he knows she's probably not going to be able to keep her hands off him. It helps convey the loss of control she has, the need, and also shows him as a bit more cool and smug, knowing it's going to happen, but letting it happen rather than initiating.

Something I like to see in mind control/drug/corruption stories is the initial mental state, so we get an idea who the character is before the control/corruption sets in. Not necessary, but it is something that makes the characters more interesting, and gives the reader a great idea of the type of influence the control has, and how potent it is, without having to explicitly say both of those things. If she's normally a shy and demure girl with a little interest in sex, and now she's spending 12 hours touching herself to porn and begging some guy to fuck her, it shows the potency of the drug in question.

Quote:
She felt brain dead, only able to concentrate on the physical sensations with nothing going on mentally.

This would be a great place to focus on the sensations, what they are, how they make her feel. It's pure id, hyperfocus on pleasure and what feels good, the things he's doing to her that really turns her on, whether it's the thought of being cum on/in, the stimulation (perhaps the drug making sex feel better than she's ever had it), whatever it is.

There are some grammar issues. Pretty easy to find in a standard spellcheck, so I'd recommend running one if you didn't before. If you have, then there are a couple things to note:

• When using speech tags (person + speaking verb; ex: he said/asked), the first word after the comma shouldn't be capitalied unless it's a proper noun. (Ex: "Worth it?" Teased Jayden. should be "Worth it?" teased Jayden.)
• Compound adjectives. Adjectives that have multiple words to describe a single modifier should be hyphenated. (Ex: "she grabbed her pink, top of the line phone to shut it off." should be "she grabbed her pink, top-of-the-line phone to shut it off." And "her eyes seemed drawn to her low level drug dealer." should be "her eyes seemed drawn to her low-level drug dealer.)

All in all, you have a very solid first story. You should be proud of this. Writing is about improvement and building on what you learn, taking lessons from every story you write to make the next one even better. Writing is a skill that takes time to develop, and one that can never be perfected.

Keep up the good work

Thanks for taking the time to read this. In every single attempt, I rush through the sex. I can’t figure out how *not* to do it. Do you know any good resources that break it down or can show me how to apply what I learn from reading?

 

[anthrodisiac]

Thanks for taking the time to read this. In every single attempt, I rush through the sex. I can’t figure out how *not* to do it. Do you know any good resources that break it down or can show me how to apply what I learn from reading?

A lot can happen in a sex scene. A lot can not happen in a sex scene. It depends on the type of story you're writing. There are use cases for short sex scenes that breeze over it.

I think in your case, you want to expand more broadly, not just the sex scene. Consider a sex scene as really not that different from any other scene. You have emotional beats that serve the plot or characters. What actions during the sex reinforce the plot, what reveals something about the characters? Sex is a great tool to show interpersonal dynamics, as well and intra-personal dynamics (i.e. people's inner psychologies).

Most important, you wouldn't want to write a story that is sparse on details and description, except for the sex scene, which is overly heavy. You want to keep the tone and voice consistent throughout. Which means if you write the story more detailed, you're writing the sex more detailed; if you're writing the story more sparse, then the sex is also going to be sparse. Perhaps not as sparse, but having consistency of tone is important.

This is a great thread for writing tips in general: https://forum.literotica.com/thread...f-writing-tricks-philosophies-styles.1632683/ Lots of different writers with varying levels of experience and opinions have contributed to it. If you have any specific questions, you can also go over to Author's Hangout and ask them there. Most of us are more than happy to help out (as long as you go in with the expectation that the thread will be at least moderately derailed at some point by wiseasses like me making dumb jokes).

As for things that would help you more specifically, I'd recommend you look up stories with the tag "corruption." Those will help you get an idea for how to handle the psychological aspect that really benefits stories like yours.

 

[AlexisIsMyFav]

A lot can happen in a sex scene. A lot can not happen in a sex scene. It depends on the type of story you're writing. There are use cases for short sex scenes that breeze over it.

I think in your case, you want to expand more broadly, not just the sex scene. Consider a sex scene as really not that different from any other scene. You have emotional beats that serve the plot or characters. What actions during the sex reinforce the plot, what reveals something about the characters? Sex is a great tool to show interpersonal dynamics, as well and intra-personal dynamics (i.e. people's inner psychologies).

Most important, you wouldn't want to write a story that is sparse on details and description, except for the sex scene, which is overly heavy. You want to keep the tone and voice consistent throughout. Which means if you write the story more detailed, you're writing the sex more detailed; if you're writing the story more sparse, then the sex is also going to be sparse. Perhaps not as sparse, but having consistency of tone is important.

This is a great thread for writing tips in general: https://forum.literotica.com/thread...f-writing-tricks-philosophies-styles.1632683/ Lots of different writers with varying levels of experience and opinions have contributed to it. If you have any specific questions, you can also go over to Author's Hangout and ask them there. Most of us are more than happy to help out (as long as you go in with the expectation that the thread will be at least moderately derailed at some point by wiseasses like me making dumb jokes).

As for things that would help you more specifically, I'd recommend you look up stories with the tag "corruption." Those will help you get an idea for how to handle the psychological aspect that really benefits stories like yours.

Thank you! I’m going to look at those stories rn