First time Anal Fisting advice. Please?

[analgirl69]

This doesn't sound like it's you that should be bending over backwards here. You're willing to have his fist shoved in your arse and he can't even make some noise?? Umm.... no. This doesn't sound like you're the problem at all.




It's not your job... it's your pleasure and it doesn't sound very pleasurable for you right now. Give yourself some time off striving to be the perfect wife and lover for a while, cut yourself some slack - and leave him to his porn... just for a while!

I really don't know any other way. I know it's ridiculous.. but there have been times when I tried to just not care. I really just find it way too hard. :/ I'm so used to the things I do and the way I am now. It's not just him I am like this with. So in this way, the problem is me, I guess. Maybe we are supposed to not always try this hard..maybe it desensitizes people..

As for the lover part... it's been 8 days. (We never go 8 days. )Because I am a little freaked right now. I know I can't say no to him and I know it will go there. And he just thinks I'm mad at him, when I'm not. He asks why I haven't come on to him. I just wonder why he hasn't come on me, except one half assed attempt because he thought I was mad at him.. although I am nervous to do anything anyway.. it would be nice it it seemed like he cared. I don't know. I'm so confused right now.

 

[analgirl69]

And also......have a hug, I feel like you could use one. http://smiliesftw.com/x/glomp.gif

I woke up this morning feeling sadder than ever. And then I saw this. Thank you. It is nice to be able to say the things swirling in my head since there's no one else I can say it to. I'm sorry if it's annoying to some people.

 

[Lord Pmann]

His line of work has nothing. And I am on maternity leave. :/
The truth is, I am locked away 24/7 with a baby and have basically no one to talk to in general, let alone about this.

PPD???

 

[lilmisscontrary]

similar situation as OP (sorry for wall of text in advance)

I used to be in a similar situation to the OP. My husband and I have been together since we were in our teens. We are now in our early 30's and have been through many ups and downs in our marriage together. There was a period in our marriage where my husband seemed disinterested in me. I did everything I could think of to please him.

He was also watching porn (which never bothered me as a moral issue or anything), it only bothered me because I wanted to be able to fulfill his fantasies. I felt like he was more interested in what they were doing and he was disappointed in me because I couldn't or wouldn't do the things he was watching. So I went to extremes to please him. (well extremes for me anyway

Some of the other posters are correct in the sense that no matter what I did or tried it did not change his interest level in sex with me. Even when we had sex every single day in all kinds of ways. He still was a very inactive partner. No noise, or sounds of pleasure and me doing all the work. I felt like our marriage was falling apart and it was my fault because I couldn't be what he wanted or needed. I eventually got so lonely and hurt that I started talking to other men online. (I never actually cheated, just talked) but this one guy I talked to said something very profound that changed me.

He said that If what I am doing right now isn't working, then I need to try a different approach. Its true, if you keep doing what you are doing, then you will keep getting what you are getting! He also said to stop bending over backwards because my husband is no longer seeing me as the sexy, independent creature with wants, needs and desires of her own. I used to be that person! Instead I turned myself into some kind of servant that he no longer respects or desires. My husband is not into the dominant thing either, so me being submissive was not pleasing to him. I get turned on by submissiveness but he doesn't.

So I just backed off. I started thinking about anything that pleased me. I did have to drop the submissive fantasy I had, because if I wanted to stay with him, the sub/dom thing wasn't going to work. I started going out more with my friends. I stopped making sure the house was spotless. I started eating more sweets and junk food because I was on a very strict diet (just to please him). I started writing a book and sketching poorly drawn portraits. Then I stopped showing interest in sex with him. Not in a mean way or anything (or sex denial), but I mirrored his actions toward me by being indifferent. In the bedroom (when he finally asked for sex, 2 weeks later!) I acted just like he did.

It worked. It didn't work instantly but I began to see results within about a month. He started seeing me as someone desirable and someone worthy of being chased. He confessed that the change in me was driving him crazy and he became much more passionate towards me and that is all I ever wanted.

Now our sex life is much better. I don't get to be submissive with him because it is a major turn off for him but I still get to be with him and have great sex.

I apologize to everyone else once again for the wall o' text, but this post reminded me of something very similar in my own life. I hope this helped.

 

[analgirl69]

I think she could use a a hug for sure. Man, this is a bad situation.

I'll give you a guy's perspective.

First, you sound like an amazing partner. One of the most willing and giving people I've ever heard on this site. Most guys would die to have a partner like you. And you seem really sweet too.

Second, your desire to please him is clouding your judgment. Really, asking to have a fist up your ass is not a reasonable request. There are certain things with which I think people indulge their partners, that may not be their favourite. But they are usually simple and harmless. What he is asking you to do is potentially dangerous. And it hurts you. He shouldn't like seeing you hurt. Which he probably doesn't. But, he's pretty selfish if he thinks you need practice.

Third, porn is different for guys than girls. Most of us can watch it with a relatively healthy attitude. But, It does desensitize us. I mean, I don't know how Playboy even exists anymore. I really don't. I remember the first time I ever saw porn, it was pretty normal, straight laced stuff. But now, that wouldn't even make my willy move. If your husband is watching anal fisting porn, I promise you, he looks at or has looked at a lot of porn. You don't go from dick to fist overnight. I really venture to say that your husband has a porn interest far deeper than you realize. It does desensitize you to things.

Again, you need to tell him you don't feel wanted. There are a million guys who would kill for a willing partner like you. And your desire to be wanted is totally justified. It's normal and healthy. It's super upsetting to see that you give him everything he wants and he can't even bother to make a noise?? I think he is objectifying you. He's not treating you like his wife, but a sex doll. You really need to face this issue and confront it.

Thank you. That's sweet. I wish he knew that the way I am isn't typical.. I think he doesn't appreciate it because he thinks it's like this for all guys. He doesn't know any different.

I was the one to offer to try originally... mostly on the basis of wanting to satisfy the seemingly unsatisfiable.. but still. He really doesn't want me to be hurt. But when he is turned on I don't think he thinks as clearly. Which is why I am nervous.. because for all intents and purposes, he really means to have regular sex with me.. and then somehow it progresses to anal play. In fact, only one of the fisting attempts was even remotely properly prepped for and it still took me by surprise when it happened because it wasn't supposed to quite yet. And he seemed grumpy when, after a while I had to stop halfway over his knuckles. I did try twice that night.. but I couldn't go again.

I hate that porn does that. He was a virgin when I met him- never even held another girl's hand.. and yet, he knows what a vagina looks like more than I do. (It's not like I examine mine all that often...in fact, I don't really focus on either gender's genitalia when I watch porn myself on ocassion) But I just find that so... weird... in today's society. But what do you do? Nothing. But like I said. In theory, I don't care about porn. I tell him it doesn't bother me at all. But the actual reality of it does. I am attractive.. but most of those girls are flawless... how can you compete? I would assume that would make you not good enough no matter how good you are if all your partner has ever been exposed to is you and something manufactured. How can I ever match up?

I don't think he's addicted to porn. I can tell at least decently well how often he watches it. He just gets bored with things quicker than other people and moves on. I mean, 5 or 6 years ago, all he was watching was milder than playboy. Two years ago, he was barely even watching anal. He had just watched it the first time. I dunno. Maybe he watched a lot of porn when I was pregnant and escalated it? Would be shitty.. since I came on to him every night, but oh well.

Your last point is what really really sucks. He only seems to notice me more when other guys are checking me out. So frustrating. And it doesn't matter if I am decently attractive or the things that I do bedroom or not are basically universally sought after.. because HE doesn't care and he is who I have and I can't go anywhere. So, yes, it is depressing.
He says he doesn't make noise because it's just the way he is. I don't know what to say about that. It always seems more convincing when he says it. But dang, forget the noise for a second. It's been 8 days and he hasn't made much of a move at all. Whether I am mentally ready or not isn't the point- how is that supposed to make me feel? I feel like I have to bend over backwards for him to even notice me. Which is messed because he used to be the opposite and we were so happy. He knows I don't feel wanted. It's changed very little. It might change one encounter and then he avoids me after wards for a few days because he is too tired to make any effort.

 

[analgirl69]

Again, sorry for the long replies. This thread wan't meant to be this way, so I am sorry.
I know Lit isn't the place to come and unload your problems and be all sad. But I don't know what I should do anymore. And I have no one to talk to.

 

[bailadora]

Again, sorry for the long replies. This thread wan't meant to be this way, so I am sorry.
I know Lit isn't the place to come and unload your problems and be all sad. But I don't know what I should do anymore. And I have no one to talk to.

Don't apologize. The HT community is generally pretty supportive towards those with genuine problems and to the best of our ability, we try to offer sensible, constructive advice. One thing that WILL piss people off, though - is when good advice is offered and the OP makes all sorts of excuses about why they can't take the advice given.

From reading your posts, it doesn't sound to me like you and your man have a sex problem. It sounds like you have a communication problem. If he doesn't recognize how you feel, then it's your job to make him aware of it. If he loves you, he should absolutely be concerned that you are feeling undervalued and rejected. If he doesn't, that's a serious red flag that you need to pay more attention to.

I understand the desire to please your spouse, but not to the detriment of one's own well being. Please don't take offense at this, but you need to find your spine and speak up. If you aren't willing to do it for yourself, no one else will.

ETA: Your husband's employer may not have an EAP, but what about yours? If it's an offered benefit, being on maternity leave has nothing to do with it. You're still eligible for the assistance. If you and your man can't effectively communicate on your own, professional help should definitely be considered.

 

[analgirl69]

Don't apologize. The HT community is generally pretty supportive towards those with genuine problems and to the best of our ability, we try to offer sensible, constructive advice. One thing that WILL piss people off, though - is when good advice is offered and the OP makes all sorts of excuses about why they can't take the advice given.

From reading your posts, it doesn't sound to me like you and your man have a sex problem. It sounds like you have a communication problem. If he doesn't recognize how you feel, then it's your job to make him aware of it. If he loves you, he should absolutely be concerned that you are feeling undervalued and rejected. If he doesn't, that's a serious red flag that you need to pay more attention to.

I understand the desire to please your spouse, but not to the detriment of one's own well being. Please don't take offense at this, but you need to find your spine and speak up. If you aren't willing to do it for yourself, no one else will.

ETA: Your husband's employer may not have an EAP, but what about yours? If it's an offered benefit, being on maternity leave has nothing to do with it. You're still eligible for the assistance. If you and your man can't effectively communicate on your own, professional help should definitely be considered.

As hard as it was, I have tried talking to him about how he makes me feel. He usually starts getting defensive and starts yelling at me, even though I'm not even raising my voice. He says it's a defense mechanism that he can't help..
Whenever we talk he always has a million reasons for everything and anything and it all sounds so convincing but in the end we are still always right back where we started a couple days later. He says he is concerned and wants to talk and fix things and then flips out whenever I try to actually talk about it and do so. I don't know. I guess, when it comes down to it, talking it out only makes it worse so I might as well either just accept this is how it is and just swallow my feelings since it's been like this a year now or leave.. problem is, I have a baby so leaving is pretty much out of the question. But oh well. I'm usually pretty tough- in the end, I'll be fine.

 

[analgirl69]

PPD???

Maybe. All my sad feeling are about very real problems though, so I don't know. My baby makes me happy. I'm not always sad. Only things to do with my husband makes me feel depressed.

 

[Sistinas74]

I think sometimes men don't pay much attention when you try to talk to them about things. There are situations where they notice more if you "show" them how their actions are affecting you. No matter how much you try to talk to get them to change, usually it doesn't happen unless they see change in you first. Lilmisscontrary has a lot of good advice on how to get things to turn around. It may not be exactly what she did that you need to do, but it probably is going to take you pulling back a bit before he will notice how unhappy his actions..or lack of..makes you.

 

[analgirl69]

I used to be in a similar situation to the OP. My husband and I have been together since we were in our teens. We are now in our early 30's and have been through many ups and downs in our marriage together. There was a period in our marriage where my husband seemed disinterested in me. I did everything I could think of to please him.

He was also watching porn (which never bothered me as a moral issue or anything), it only bothered me because I wanted to be able to fulfill his fantasies. I felt like he was more interested in what they were doing and he was disappointed in me because I couldn't or wouldn't do the things he was watching. So I went to extremes to please him. (well extremes for me anyway

Some of the other posters are correct in the sense that no matter what I did or tried it did not change his interest level in sex with me. Even when we had sex every single day in all kinds of ways. He still was a very inactive partner. No noise, or sounds of pleasure and me doing all the work. I felt like our marriage was falling apart and it was my fault because I couldn't be what he wanted or needed. I eventually got so lonely and hurt that I started talking to other men online. (I never actually cheated, just talked) but this one guy I talked to said something very profound that changed me.

He said that If what I am doing right now isn't working, then I need to try a different approach. Its true, if you keep doing what you are doing, then you will keep getting what you are getting! He also said to stop bending over backwards because my husband is no longer seeing me as the sexy, independent creature with wants, needs and desires of her own. I used to be that person! Instead I turned myself into some kind of servant that he no longer respects or desires. My husband is not into the dominant thing either, so me being submissive was not pleasing to him. I get turned on by submissiveness but he doesn't.

So I just backed off. I started thinking about anything that pleased me. I did have to drop the submissive fantasy I had, because if I wanted to stay with him, the sub/dom thing wasn't going to work. I started going out more with my friends. I stopped making sure the house was spotless. I started eating more sweets and junk food because I was on a very strict diet (just to please him). I started writing a book and sketching poorly drawn portraits. Then I stopped showing interest in sex with him. Not in a mean way or anything (or sex denial), but I mirrored his actions toward me by being indifferent. In the bedroom (when he finally asked for sex, 2 weeks later!) I acted just like he did.

It worked. It didn't work instantly but I began to see results within about a month. He started seeing me as someone desirable and someone worthy of being chased. He confessed that the change in me was driving him crazy and he became much more passionate towards me and that is all I ever wanted.

Now our sex life is much better. I don't get to be submissive with him because it is a major turn off for him but I still get to be with him and have great sex.

I apologize to everyone else once again for the wall o' text, but this post reminded me of something very similar in my own life. I hope this helped.

Yes, it does. Didn't notice yours before.

Wow. That does sound very familiar.. what you say makes a lot of sense.
I HAVE tried what you said.. trying to abstain and act like he does towards me and also go out with friends but 1) I can't hold it very long before I cave and 2) most of my friends are guys. So he doesn't like me hanging out alone and I also never see them now that I have a baby. But you are right. Fuck it, I have to do something... I get the food thing too... I don't eat very much. And when I do, it's only health food.. I make two different meals every time we eat because we eat so different. I lost 120lbs before I got pregnant and now I've lost most of what I gained from that but I still feel fat all the time even though I'm not. Actually, when I was big, he wanted me all the time. And also after I lost it. But not once I got pregnant or after. What the hell? But I know. I became even more of a pleaser than I was before.

Anyway, I've thought about it.. what you said probably is true for him. Thinking back, the times he was most interested in me is whenever I have plans that don't include him. He will call and call asking why I am not home, am I mad, etc, saying he misses me only for me to get home and watch him play a video game for 5 hours straight. Well, I have deduced from this: I need more fucking friends. Lol. I AM going to try this. But it will be very hard because I am a co-dependent person. And even if the intent is to save my sanity and our marriage, it feels.. mean to me. And I don't like to say no. I like to make him happy.
I did, however, buy a 2 month gym pass... that will take up some of my time. And I can fill in some of the gaps with some friends I haven't seen in a while, I'm sure. It's hard to leave the house with a nursing baby besides for walks and grocery shopping, but I have to do what I have to do.

Thank you. I felt crazy, but this made me feel better. Someone else has experienced this and has had a positive outcome. I have hope.

 

[analgirl69]

I think sometimes men don't pay much attention when you try to talk to them about things. There are situations where they notice more if you "show" them how their actions are affecting you. No matter how much you try to talk to get them to change, usually it doesn't happen unless they see change in you first. Lilmisscontrary has a lot of good advice on how to get things to turn around. It may not be exactly what she did that you need to do, but it probably is going to take you pulling back a bit before he will notice how unhappy his actions..or lack of..makes you.

Thanks, yea, I think she is dead on. I am going to try my damnedest. We'll see how it goes.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Bailadora was bang on when she said ye have a communication problem. That's the case. I think you are probably a bit timid. And I think he is probably kind of like a lot of guys, where he doesn't like to address things. Him yelling and saying he can't help it? Guys can't help erections. We can help not yelling at our spouses.

I think you need to understand that you aren't required to be his sex doll. He needs to show initiative. Part of the fun of sex is having things be a two way street. Not this "he sits there and doesn't make a sound while you do everything you can" kind of thing.

I still think the porn plays into this far more than you realize. Just a guy's opinion.

I really hope the best for you. You seem so sweet.

 

[bailadora]

As hard as it was, I have tried talking to him about how he makes me feel. He usually starts getting defensive and starts yelling at me, even though I'm not even raising my voice. He says it's a defense mechanism that he can't help..
Whenever we talk he always has a million reasons for everything and anything and it all sounds so convincing but in the end we are still always right back where we started a couple days later. He says he is concerned and wants to talk and fix things and then flips out whenever I try to actually talk about it and do so. I don't know. I guess, when it comes down to it, talking it out only makes it worse so I might as well either just accept this is how it is and just swallow my feelings since it's been like this a year now or leave.. problem is, I have a baby so leaving is pretty much out of the question. But oh well. I'm usually pretty tough- in the end, I'll be fine.

You mention that you're co-dependent, so I think that's a large part of the problem right there. I can't emphasize how strongly I think you need to get into therapy - even if he refuses to go. A good therapist can work with you and help you learn to stand up for yourself. Because God's honest truth, girlfriend? You don't deserve to be treated the way you're being treated. But the part I mentioned about no one else standing up for you if you aren't willing to do it for yourself is also God's honest truth. It's quite likely he'll keep acting like this as long as you let him get away with it.

I've three kids myself, so I understand how difficult it would be to be the sole support for a child. That said, just because you have a baby doesn't mean you have to put up with his shit. Actually, I'd think that would be more of an incentive to get things straightened out now. Kids are pretty intuitive. Yours may not understand it now, but as he or she grows up, your kid is likely to sense something isn't quite kosher with Mom and Dad's relationship. IMX, problems that don't get resolved to the satisfaction of both partners often spread to other parts of the relationship. Which, in turn, leads to even more anger and resentment. Aside from what you yourself deserve, don't you owe it to your kid to model a loving, healthy relationship? If your child is a girl, would you want her to think it is ok for someone to treat her the way you are being treated? If your child is a boy, would you want him to think it's ok to treat his partner the way your spouse is treating you?

 

[Eilan]

I've three kids myself, so I understand how difficult it would be to be the sole support for a child. That said, just because you have a baby doesn't mean you have to put up with his shit. Actually, I'd think that would be more of an incentive to get things straightened out now. Kids are pretty intuitive. Yours may not understand it now, but as he or she grows up, your kid is likely to sense something isn't quite kosher with Mom and Dad's relationship. IMX, problems that don't get resolved to the satisfaction of both partners often spread to other parts of the relationship. Which, in turn, leads to even more anger and resentment. Aside from what you yourself deserve, don't you owe it to your kid to model a loving, healthy relationship? If your child is a girl, would you want her to think it is ok for someone to treat her the way you are being treated? If your child is a boy, would you want him to think it's ok to treat his partner the way your spouse is treating you?

+1,000,000 to all of this.

Staying together "for the sake of the children" is emotional abuse, pure and simple. I was that child, so don't fucking try to tell me otherwise.

 

[Sistinas74]

+1,000,000 to all of this.

Staying together "for the sake of the children" is emotional abuse, pure and simple. I was that child, so don't fucking try to tell me otherwise.

I don't think they are staying together for the child, she loves the guy. There's no reason not to try making it work unless of course there is violence or other abuse that makes for an unhealthy environment for the baby.

 

[bailadora]

I don't think they are staying together for the child, she loves the guy. There's no reason not to try making it work unless of course there is violence or other abuse that makes for an unhealthy environment for the baby.

At this point, maybe not. But that statement about not being able to leave him because she has a kid is a huge red flag.

I'm all for giving relationships every chance possible, but unless BOTH partners are committed to the process, very little changes. There comes a point in time where you have to decide if it's worth your emotional well being to continue. It's scary as all fuck. I know, I've been there (on both sides of the coin). Unfortunately, sometimes it takes the possibility of losing it all for some people to get serious about repairing their relationships.

And sometimes, for whatever reason, the relationship can't be fixed. Better to leave than to stay in an environment where anger and resentment are the foundation of the relationship. That's not a healthy environment for anyone.

 

[Sistinas74]

At this point, maybe not. But that statement about not being able to leave him because she has a kid is a huge red flag.

I'm all for giving relationships every chance possible, but unless BOTH partners are committed to the process, very little changes. There comes a point in time where you have to decide if it's worth your emotional well being to continue. It's scary as all fuck. I know, I've been there (on both sides of the coin). Unfortunately, sometimes it takes the possibility of losing it all for some people to get serious about repairing their relationships.

And sometimes, for whatever reason, the relationship can't be fixed. Better to leave than to stay in an environment where anger and resentment are the foundation of the relationship. That's not a healthy environment for anyone.

I agree, and having a kid does not need to be the sole reason to stay with someone. I think it is often times a lopsided deal with making efforts in improving relationships, and this one is definitely one of those situations. This guy clearly isn't truly trying to make things better, either he doesn't realize the consequences to come, or just may not care or know how to fix things on his end. He may not realize how serious underlying issues actually are. and he still could change his ways. It is difficult to say what his story is. BUT..as far as I see this young lady is still in love with the guy, if she didn't why do the extreme anal play that is only pleasing him? I know I keep trying in relationships if I still have my heart in it. I wouldn't be able to just walk away until I have no love left for the guy.

 

[bailadora]

I agree, and having a kid does not need to be the sole reason to stay with someone. I think it is often times a lopsided deal with making efforts in improving relationships, and this one is definitely one of those situations. This guy clearly isn't truly trying to make things better, either he doesn't realize the consequences to come, or just may not care or know how to fix things on his end. He may not realize how serious underlying issues actually are. and he still could change his ways. It is difficult to say what his story is. BUT..as far as I see this young lady is still in love with the guy, if she didn't why do the extreme anal play that is only pleasing him? I know I keep trying in relationships if I still have my heart in it. I wouldn't be able to just walk away until I have no love left for the guy.

Agreed. And I'm not advocating that she leave him, yet. Actually, it's not for me to say when or if she should leave because we all have different breaking points. That said, I think the point that Eilan and I are trying to emphasize is that if she does reach that point, she doesn't have to stay merely for the child's sake. It's a fallacy a lot of people fall into because they think it will somehow benefit the child.

 

[RuReal]

@Analgirl69 I am pretty sure that part of your benefits package is still in place. I would confirm with my HR friend that this is how it works, but she is out of the country for a bit. Never hurts to look into it and get some trained advice.