Forcing myself past shyness

[Puffynsweet]

I'm not as shy as i used to be but it sometimes still gets me in trouble. I don't know how to say no. I've let people do things to me that i wish i hadn't - not with them anyway. I wish i could be more assertive.

 

[CrowdedStranger]

I'm confident and assertive in everything but Sexual situations. Then I'm tongue tied and painfully shy. I always hoped I'd grow out of it but into my 40s and no difference.

 

[NippleMuncher]

This works pretty well too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDR935EBKeQ

 

[cheekygirl75]

Wow, I've been away for a couple of weeks and this thread just took off. It's interesting to see so many people on here have or had the same problem. Love the Tequila PSA - if only it were that easy!

There seems to be a lot of advice of just "fake it till you make it". And that does make sense, I just don't know how to *do* that. How do I even begin when in certain situations the shyness seems to completely paralyze me? The way I used to think of it in high school was that my thoughts, ideas, and words were in one part of my brain, with a metal door that would shut every time I opened my ears to listen to someone or mouth to speak to someone. So essentially, the act of engaging with another person would completely cut off the part of my brain where any response could come from.

So I completely chickened out with the work guy. Or maybe half chickened out and then had a majorly negative self-esteem attack and didn't follow through with anything. The night of his going away party, I wasn't successful at maneuvering to sit near him or even generally in the same group as him at all. There were about 20 of us and we were all at a long table - and I ended up being almost exactly in the middle, on the side against the wall, so I couldn't go anywhere without having five people on either side of me move. I did get a chance to ask him where he would be working next, but didn't get a chance to follow up since he got distracted by someone else coming to join the table.

I think I got myself way too worked up about the whole thing, plus it was my birthday the next day and I was already feeling depressed about that, so I convinced myself that he was only interested in the younger, thinner women who were there. Now I'll never know if that's true or not.

Anyway, this post wasn't supposed to be so depressing... I actually wanted to post a link to a Ted Talks video that I watched the other day that I think is relevant to people who are shy. I know it's definitely relevant to me. It's called "The Power of Vulnerability" by Brene Brown. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

I think a lot of my shyness comes from not wanting to be vulnerable and not being able to deal well with being vulnerable and having it not work out - I have a hard time moving on from taking a risk and having it not work out. I'm thinking maybe her books might be a good place to start. Has anyone heard of her/read her books?

 

[NippleMuncher]

Faking it until you make it is just that, you do the best that you can, and with each attempt you will get better and less shy about interacting with others.

Here's a task for you, next time you go to the grocery store, have 5 questions or interactive statements for the cashier. Saying hello first can count as one. Asking where something was in the store (needed or not ) will count as one. Offer a compliment to the cashier on their appearance, abilities, whatever. you can come up with the rest. Better yet, have 5 interactive question/responses for fellow shoppers. When going through the produce, comment on the quality of something, ask how to choose a good melon, etc.

It is this type of "faking" that is going to break you out of your shyness. Shyness is a fear of interacting with people, and the only way to get past it is to get out there and interact with people. We're not asking you to sing the national anthem in front of a stadium full of spectators, we're really talking about one-on-one interactions which will help you to become more comfortable and confident in public.

 

[cheekygirl75]

Those are great ideas, NippleMuncher. But 99% of the time, I wouldn't have a problem doing any of those things. The 1% of the time that it would be difficult or impossible would be if it were a man that I found attractive. Or really any kind of situation where I find a person interesting and want to get to know him/her better, but where getting to know someone isn't the purpose of the interaction.

So that's really why I think it's a problem with feeling vulnerable - my shyness seems to only come out when it's a case of me having to put out there in some form that I'm interested in forming some sort of relationship with a person (whether as friends or romantically) and that person hasn't first given me concrete evidence that he/she is interested in the same from me.

Two examples - the work one that I mentioned. I am going to a singles event tomorrow night and am no nervous at all. Well, at least not nervous about talking to people because we'll all be there to flirt and get to know each other in a social environment that could lead to dating. However, flirting with my co-worker, or letting him know that I was interested in him romantically, made me just freeze up because I would have to put it out there first, without any hint from him.

The other example - I go to meetup groups once in awhile, and the main purpose for those is usually to make connections with people who have similar interests or just to meet new people. The ones I usually go to are purely social. And I've had some great times & great discussions with people, sometimes for hours, yet I'm rarely the one to suggest getting together at another time or asking for contact information, because I'm never confident that someone would want that from me, so instead of putting myself out there to ask or suggest something, I wait.

I don't know if I'm being clear or not... maybe I need an intermediate lesson on how to fake it? I don't know if my shyness is not really shyness but something different, or if I've already at least conquered the beginner levels of getting over it.

 

[NippleMuncher]

I think that the faking it is still the way to go, your non-committal interactions are no different than the ones you do seek commitment from, the only difference is your emotions on each situation.

Let me ask you this, why are you investing more of yourself into a target of interest than first interaction scenario with a stranger? These two scenarios are no different, both suffer the same consequence of rejection, both require the same level of "balls" to strike up a conversation. Why are you more worried when you're interested in someone than not?

Your answer to this is important, because in reality, there is no difference between the two scenarios. Either the person is going to like you or they're not going to like you, the difference is when you don't care about the other person, you don't care what they think of you or the outcome of the interaction. I propose that you approach your targets of interest in a similar manner. If you don't approach them, you'll never have the opportunity to get to know them better, forever being a stranger to them, so instead of looking at some people as "targets" and some as "strangers", look at everyone as a stranger, and just interact with them. No expectations, just interact with them.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to find activities that YOU are passionate about, and pursue them avidly. Through these activities you will find like minded people that will fill both categories of "target" and "stranger", just interact with all of them based on the joint activity, not on whether or not you'd like to know them better. Once you're comfortably talking with them, then start opening the door for further interactions, both socially and privately.

Really, the only way you'll break out of your shy bubble is to just do it. There are no pills, there is no amount of advice, YOU have to just take the steps and do it.