Friends during and after divorce....possible??

[Lifeguard326]

It is possible, I was in the same place. Thought we don't hang out on weekends, we are still friends. We know we can always call each other anytime.

 

[SweetErika]

Cfuhrer is right about your son almost certainly knowing something is up, Irish.

I was 9 when my parents started working on separating/divorcing. It was a different situation than yours, but the commonality is they tried to hide it and lie to me about it. I noticed that they had established some unusual patterns and even that my mom was making the same thing for dinner most nights (mac&cheese with broccoli, to be exact!). I finally found out when I expressed the fears that I'd been imagining and holding inside to my mom, who was crying one night. I had convinced myself that she was sick and dying, and my parents were planning for when she was gone. I don't recall what other scenarios I came up with to make sense of the changes that were afoot at the time, but that's the one that I settled on.

So, when I finally did learn the truth, I was relieved that no one was dying or anything, yet I was also very angry and upset with both of my parents for lying. It's a family situation, and I felt I should be included since they were making lots of decisions that would affect my life.

What happened after was A LOT rougher on me because I didn't have as much time to process the situation and I had lost a lot of faith/trust in my parents. And I think I probably learned a lot more about my parents and why their marriage failed than I should have because I had far more questions that needed answers than I would have if they'd been honest with me from the start. I'm guessing I would have understood growing apart, not being happy living with each other, etc., if they had explained that originally, but the deception and my shock led to a need for more concrete examples and explanations.

WRT custody, they had already decided my mom would have it when they told me about separating, and I still feel a twinge of pain over them never asking me and my dad never expressing that he'd love to have me full time (that wasn't the case, but he should have said it anyway, or at least, "I want to spend as much time with you as possible"). I would have chosen to stay with my mom, but it's really hurtful for a child to feel like a parent doesn't really want them.

The way my parents handled the whole situation affects me to this day, even though I've had lots of therapy and am very self-aware.

I'm sure you're a great mom and I commend you on prioritizing your son and being open to therapy. My point in sharing the above is that it's easy to make it much harder on a kid when you're trying to do what you think is best for them. That's why I suggested you check in with a therapist who knows both divorce and teens much sooner rather than later. It'd be super for your husband to go (I do think you should invite him anyway; he may feel differently if the topic is your son's well-being), but even if he won't, you can go and even pass on what you learn.

 

[Somehowyou]

Divorce is a major life change, regardless of how a couple approaches it or it turns out. I'm guessing he'll need plenty of time to process it,

Is your husband open to seeing a good counselor/therapist alone and/or together? Joint sessions would likely help

And regardless of how long ago you checked out of your marriage, I think it'd be a colossal mistake to date others at this point, even if you're super sneaky about it. Again, though, I believe this is something you should speak about with a therapist.

This is great advice. If I were you I would take the high road and not see anyone until the divorce is final. There will be plenty of time to find new love and romance once the divorce is final and you each have your own residence. He may seem to be taking it well but something could set him off like meeting your new love interest.

Time does heal most wounds. Good luck.

 

[i_would]

Ok so this might be long....

A week ago I asked my husband for a divorce, he agreed (he doesnt want it but is giving me what I want) and now we are trying to do this in a way I've NEVER seen before....so I'm wondering if I'm crazy or if this will happen as we've planned. Here's the plan....

We want to come out of this as friends, not just being nice for our kids sake but actual friends that hang out on the weekends. Sound crazy??

Not at all to me.

A friend of mine had parents who resolved their marriage in exactly that way. It must have started when he was around 15, so about your kid's age. They did not divorce, they just lived separately. Both had their own job, their own home, about 150 km apart. And in weekends they would go out together, live in one another's place, whatever. I wouldn't be surprised if they were still having sex together as married couple, but of course that's not what one discusses normally.

Anyway my friend (at the time around 20 yo, living with his mum) told me that when his parents moved apart, it gave a great boost to their marriage. They just couldn't live together all the time, they needed the distance, and it worked very well. He said it is what saved their marriage, they would have divorced otherwise.

So if you think it may work, go for it. Whether you want to formally divorce or remain married, that's another matter. You don't have to be living together to be married, after all. Remaining on good terms is not easy but certainly possible. I've seen it often enough with other friends, who were not married but had a long-term relationship, living together, and sometimes even have children together.

 

[subwannabe]

Man, you sound a lot like my exwife and my situation with her except that I had two stepkids instead of our own. She wanted to remain friends and go out to dinner and the movies afterward. I told her I couldn't do that. I had to move on and I did. I think it's admirable that you want to make this as easy as possible for him and not take away his whole world all at once. I only have two pieces of advice:

1. More than likely it will get messier during and after the divorce as things won't be so simple to get through as you would have hoped. How messy it could get is anyone's guess. Maybe it won't be so much but it is bound to be more than you think.

2. While staying friends is admirable, especially when considering your son, if you stay too close it is going to effect your ex's ability to move on, and maybe you too. I'm just going to address the issue with him because it will be a lot harder on him. If he can hold on to most of what he has now it will be more difficult for him to have the incentive to move on just from an emotional standpoint. Let's say this all works out short term just the way it is planned. It is still going to have an effect on him finding someone else. Let's face it, how many girlfriends are going to stick with him if they know she not only gets him but gets to be friends with the entire family of his ex, including her parents? He would have to find someone who is very openminded and let's face it again, most people aren't going to want to inherit all of the ex's family and friends into their relationship. Just keep in mind that if you and your friends and your family stay too close it will hurt him more than help him in the long run. You have to tread a fine line in all of this and just because you don't have experience in any of this is not really important as everyone's divorce takes different paths. Good luck.

 

[IrishEyes80]

[/QUOTE] 2. While staying friends is admirable, especially when considering your son, if you stay too close it is going to effect your ex's ability to move on, and maybe you too. I'm just going to address the issue with him because it will be a lot harder on him. If he can hold on to most of what he has now it will be more difficult for him to have the incentive to move on just from an emotional standpoint. Let's say this all works out short term just the way it is planned. It is still going to have an effect on him finding someone else. Let's face it, how many girlfriends are going to stick with him if they know she not only gets him but gets to be friends with the entire family of his ex, including her parents? He would have to find someone who is very openminded and let's face it again, most people aren't going to want to inherit all of the ex's family and friends into their relationship. Just keep in mind that if you and your friends and your family stay too close it will hurt him more than help him in the long run. You have to tread a fine line in all of this and just because you don't have experience in any of this is not really important as everyone's divorce takes different paths. Good luck.[/QUOTE]


Believe me I can totally see where the awkwardness will play into all this. However, I didn't come up with this plan all on my own, he wants to be able to remain "inside" my circle. He talked to my parents about their relationship with him, I didn't. We had a meeting with all of our friends that he requested. if it's too hard for him to move on and things change that's up to him, I won't fault him for that. I know I can't see every problem that will come along in the future. But if we can come out of all of this able to talk to each other and not attack each other I will consider this a success!

I don't want my son to be in a situation where when major things happen in his life like graduations, his wedding, having kids he has to put up with his crazy parents because they can't be in the same room together!

 

[oldschoolguy]

The one question I have is...

If your trying so hard for your divorce to "workout" and be amicable in the end, why didn't all that effort go into making the marriage work for the you both in the first place??

As I read this thread i'm hearing from you that you are having open conversation with your spouse trying to make the divorce work, and you had a "come to Jesus meeting" with him etc. Seems like a lot of effort going into someone you don't care to be married to anymore, so why bother?

Something tells me you are still "in love" but might not like him at the moment. Which is ok as my wife and I have been married about as long as you have and we have had our moments where we don't like each other, but we certainly wouldn't quit on each other.

I'm not trying to throw darts and I don't know the whole story so please don't take my comments sideways, i'm just asking these questions so you will dig deep inside yourself and make sure this is what you want for yourself.

"Till death do us part"...those are words we live by. My wife (Irish/ German Red head) and I have been thru HELL and back with each other, but we still keep going.

A little piece of me...we were at odds for about 6-7 years after the honeymoon was over so to speak. Not really communicating, just going about our day to day rut. One would piss off the other and clam up or just go over the top making a mountain out of a moll hill screaming at the top of our lungs. I have had wedding rings pitched at me and I have pitched them back. We really are as Eminem said "a volcano and a tornado", but deep down we both knew that we loved each other to the core we just didn't know how to express ourselves to the other to get the results we wanted. It's called behavior change....we both needed it.

It has been a tough 6 months but we are finally getting the hang of it and the passion and fire between us is more intense then it has ever been. There is a reason you married that man and only you know it. Remember that reason and tell him about it, hell beat him over the head with it until he understands but don't quit. It takes two to make it work, your partners in crime, and sometimes we as humans have to open our own hearts and heads to figure out why we are not getting out of a relationship what we feel we need, and YES we have to tell our partner what we need cuz were not mind readers after all, that's the piece that took me 14 years to figure out.....

Good luck to you in whatever choice you make, but bring the boy up to speed. If you keep it from him I feel he will resent you in the end.

 

[Que]

probably fraught with peril..but I like the plan.

I had a less ambitious version of it in mind when it was clear she was serious after a lifetime of petulant dress rehearsals.

Had to modify my plan a week later when she admitted (when caught) that she had been having an affair, had no intention of cease and desisting and was in love with a worthless lump of humanity.

Her moving in with him and dragging the kids to sleep on the floor of his one bedroom hovel caused further modifications.

And in the end, her boyfriend made even polite communication impossible...I hired a lawyer, she took advice from the man with the cretin level IQ because with 1.5 divorces under his belt and a couple of decades of dodging child support he was sorta an expert.

Money wise, except for the little cross state line dodge that netted her maybe $300 a month extra, she did rather poorly. Leaving me the money that was inevitably necessary to support the kids with sundries and fashions and makeup and electronics and teenager stuff.

Interestingly it wasn't until I was fired unexpectantly (and wrongfully im back with full back compensation now) that we suddenly became friendly. She had a chance to do me a kindness by not being bitchy when I went behind 45 days on child support.

Now she actually meets me at the door when I pick up the kids and we co-parent if briefly. wonder of wonders.

Aside from its self-absorbed therapeutic benefits, I said all that to explain that its well worth not letting things go to hell...couples counseling would be great just be clear with each other and the therapists it isnt to reconcile but rather to co-parent and resolve differences smoothly.

Surely you picked him for a reason so all should be possible, but theres lots of places to pinch ones bits.

 

[LadyVer]

Not offering advice as it looks you've gotten some good advice already. I don't see anything strange about trying to remain friends. In my case, I would have liked to have been friends with my ex, but if you're not friends during the marriage, it's harder to be friends afterwards. Also, it's difficult to be on good terms with an ex who goes out of their way to make things hard for you and says negative things about you to your kids and everyone else, primarily because he refuses to accept any responsibility for why I left and because I left, with the kids.

 

[IrishEyes80]

The one question I have is...

If your trying so hard for your divorce to "workout" and be amicable in the end, why didn't all that effort go into making the marriage work for the you both in the first place??

As I read this thread i'm hearing from you that you are having open conversation with your spouse trying to make the divorce work, and you had a "come to Jesus meeting" with him etc. Seems like a lot of effort going into someone you don't care to be married to anymore, so why bother?

Something tells me you are still "in love" but might not like him at the moment. Which is ok as my wife and I have been married about as long as you have and we have had our moments where we don't like each other, but we certainly wouldn't quit on each other.

I'm not trying to throw darts and I don't know the whole story so please don't take my comments sideways, i'm just asking these questions so you will dig deep inside yourself and make sure this is what you want for yourself.

"Till death do us part"...those are words we live by. My wife (Irish/ German Red head) and I have been thru HELL and back with each other, but we still keep going.

A little piece of me...we were at odds for about 6-7 years after the honeymoon was over so to speak. Not really communicating, just going about our day to day rut. One would piss off the other and clam up or just go over the top making a mountain out of a moll hill screaming at the top of our lungs. I have had wedding rings pitched at me and I have pitched them back. We really are as Eminem said "a volcano and a tornado", but deep down we both knew that we loved each other to the core we just didn't know how to express ourselves to the other to get the results we wanted. It's called behavior change....we both needed it.

It has been a tough 6 months but we are finally getting the hang of it and the passion and fire between us is more intense then it has ever been. There is a reason you married that man and only you know it. Remember that reason and tell him about it, hell beat him over the head with it until he understands but don't quit. It takes two to make it work, your partners in crime, and sometimes we as humans have to open our own hearts and heads to figure out why we are not getting out of a relationship what we feel we need, and YES we have to tell our partner what we need cuz were not mind readers after all, that's the piece that took me 14 years to figure out.....

Good luck to you in whatever choice you make, but bring the boy up to speed. If you keep it from him I feel he will resent you in the end.

I really appreciate what you're saying but there is more back story than I'm willing to divulge. I'm certain being married is not what he and I need. There are two reasons why I'm putting this much effort into this break up, first because I love my son and would do absolutely ANYTHING to see that he is hurt the least amount possible throughout this process and the second is because I don't hate my almost ex, I am doing what I feel is right, I'm not divorcing him to hurt him. I want us to be friends and he wants that too.

If I told him the reason that I married him was not because I was head over heels in love with him but that I was completely scared to death, I don't think hearing that from me will make him feel better at all.

I wish my situation could be like yours, it's just not an option.

 

[Zaf2301]

Life happens

Sounds like there are a few of us trying to keep it civil and friendly with our exes. The theory is great, let's stay friend. The reality is a little different, either partner meets a new love which might put pressure on the arrangement. There are money disputes along the way.

1st prize for the kids is always to keep it civil for their sakes. You are divorces let things move on do not dwell on what is over rather move forward.

Long term I do not think it is good for you emotionally to keep a close friendship going with your ex, it make it harder and lengthens the time it takes to heal and move on with yor life.