funny sayings

[vastiesmith200]

I asked my old boss what he got for Xmas. He told me: " Same as always. A shirt and a piece of ass.... both too big!

If brains could be carried, she would need a thimble.

She's as pretty as a speckle pup, under a wagon. (I have no idea what that means.)

 

[vastiesmith200]

You can't get there from here so turn around.

 

[NormalMarriedWhiteGuy]

Useless as tits on a bull

 

[Iwillgo]

He/she could not get water out of a boot even with the instructions on the bottom

 

[NormalMarriedWhiteGuy]

He's so dumb he thinks he can pick up a turd by the clean end

 

[Comshaw]

"If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose."

"It never goes over the devil's back but what it doesn't come back under his belly."

"If you threw 'em in the creek you would skim ugly for two weeks."

"That's skoocum!" (for explanation see: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skookum

“If wishes were fishes, we’d all swim in riches”

Comshaw

 

[Tio_Narratore]

How about a 68?

What's a 68?

It's just like a 69, except I owe you one.

 

[lovecraft68]

Worked with an older guy years ago that always said "Slower than three days of bad weather"

I felt I needed my own so I began saying "Slower than a constipated shit."

Look, us writers can't be boxed into repeating the same things all the time.

 

[mildlyaroused]

I've always liked "Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs."

 

[mildlyaroused]

 

[StillStunned]

I've always liked "Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs."

One thing that's always struck me as impossible to describe as a coincidence: the Isle of Man is known for two things - motorcycle racing, and tailless cats.

 

[Kitschshaman]

'He would feel out of his depth in a mud puddle.'
'A village somewhere is missing their idiot.'
'If that guy's brains were turned to gasoline, it wouldn't run a piss-ant's go-kart around the inside of a cheerio.'

 

[StillStunned]

"A friend in need is a friend to avoid."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

"I'm not very good with remembering names, so do mind if I just call you, Asshole?

 

[StillStunned]

"I'm not very good with remembering names, so do mind if I just call you, Asshole?

 

[jehoram]

"I'm not very good with remembering names, so do mind if I just call you, Asshole?

Reminds me of Groucho's famous line: "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."

 

[desecration]

I think this whole thing smells like a dead dogs ass.

Borrowed from here, and I am going to borrow this in real life. Poor dog.

 

[StillStunned]

That reminds me of Terry Pratchett's description of Ankh-Morpork: "As full of life as a dead dog on a hot summer's day."

That man could paint a picture.