funny sayings

[nfrrdscnnr1]

Don't start vast projects with half-vast ideas.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
He's a few bricks shy of a load.
Couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a banjo.
Pull up your pants legs, it's too late to save your shoes.
Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

 

[bone251]

Some people think you have to decapitate someone to get ahead.

 

[bone251]

An alcoholic eating grapes is impatient.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

He doesn't know shit from shinola.
He couldn't hit the broad side a bar with a target painted on it.
Smile if you got some last night.
Slicker than snot on a door knob.
That's using your head for something other than a hat rack.
With that and five dollars you can get a cup of coffee. (used to be fifty cents)
Nobody cares about apathy anymore.
As useless as tits on a boar hog.
Can't figure how he breathes his head is so far up his butt.
He was so strong he went bear hunting with a switch.
He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
And, we're off like a dirty shirt.

 

[bone251]

Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition and discovered he had seriously misunderstood the objective.

 

[bone251]

Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices that said, “If you build it, they will cum”

 

[MColton84]

"So good, you should be paying me "

"Your face is proof that God has a sense of humor "

"You fuck just like your mother "

 

[BobbyBrandt]

A few more...

Alpha Males were like pesky house flies. You have to be careful when you swat them to ensure that they don’t fall into your drink or onto your plate.

He's too dumb to decide if he should scratch his watch or wind his ass

We grow too soon old and too late smart.

Q: How are you?
A: Fine. Why? What have you heard?

Q: May I help you?
A: Uh, what makes you think I need help? Have you been talking to my therapist? He lies, they all lie.

Q: What can I get for you?
A: Do you make balloon animals? I would like a giraffe if you do.

Q: Would you like anything for dessert?
A: Yes, please. I would like a cherry lollipop

Q: Good morning…
A: Geez, I know it’s morning already. I’ve already taken my medication so you don’t need to remind me.

 

[yaturtle]

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[bone251]

When a car runs over a squirrel, is it meals on wheels?

 

[Fingerfuxs]

“ Her pussy was so ripe , she squirted, queef ‘d and deflated like a ballon that’s been pricked”

 

[jehoram]

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."

--Groucho Marx

 

[bone251]

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

 

[bone251]

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

 

[stickygirl]

A couple of UK regulars

Well I'll go to the foot of our stairs
and
Shut the fridge door

They mean much the same btw

 

[Handley_Page]

Pull up your pants legs, it's too late to save your shoes.
.

We had one that went:
"put some jam in your socks and invite your trousers down for tea".

 

[Panty Wrangler]

He couldn’t pour water out of a boot if you told him the instructions are on the heel

 

[Rustyoznail]

This is probably funny to non-Aussies.

"Mate, I'm flat out like a lizard drinking."

 

[Emirus]

“You’ve got a winkie the size on my pinkie.” A statement no man likes to hear from a woman (or from another man for that matter.

Plus one of my all time favourites. “As rough as a bear’s arse.”

 

[bone251]

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

 

[astushkin]

I've had a lovely evening...this wasn't it.

 

[bone251]

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

 

[tdb555]

She's seen more ceilings than Michelangelo.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

-We were so poor when I was a kid, Christmas morning if I didn't wake up with hard-on, I'd have nothing to play with.

-I was so ugly as a kid my mother had to tie pork chops around my neck, just so the neighborhood dogs would play with me.

-Your face looks like it caught on fire, and someone tried to put it out with a fork.

-When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

-I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

-I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

-A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

-What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.

-You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

-Did you know if you hold your ear up to a strangers leg you can actually hear them saying, "What the fuck are you doing?"

-Our whole family is worried about grandpa's Viagra addiction. Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

-She gave me an Australian kiss. It's the same as a French kiss, but down under.

-Weddings are an expensive way to let your whole family know that you're fucking that night.

-I love every bone in your body, especially mine.

-I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock.

-Word of the day is legs. Now go spread the word.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

I wouldn't piss in your ear if your brains were on fire.