I need some help with my sex life. What you are about to read is a long and sad story, but I hope that some people will read it and give me some much-needed advice.
First of all, the players in this tragedy:
Me. I have a fairly strong sex drive, and ideally would have it three times a week or more. Although my fantasy life is active, I don't feel the need to act out all those fantasies (a good example is that I am turned on by the idea of having two women at once, but in reality I wouldn't want to share my wife even with another woman). The main thing that I need in order to get turned on is reciprocation - in other words, I really need my lover to want me in return. I cannot get excited about someone who doesn't want me, no matter how attractive she is.
My wife. Her sex drive is much less than mine - she would probably be satisfied with once every two weeks. Everything else, you'll learn about as I tell my story.
Both of us were sexually inexperienced when we met. We enjoyed a fun and frequent sex life while we dated, and things were great. To this day neither of us has ever had a sexual partner besides each other.
Shortly after we were engaged, my wife became ill and this naturally impacted our sex life. She took medication that lessened her sex drive and upset her stomach. Sometimes intercourse was acutely painful for her. We dealt with it as best we could, and by the time we were married she was (mostly) doing better.
The honeymoon ended rather quickly. It became difficult to have sex with my wife, as some slight nerve damage due to her illness and subsequent surgeries had resulted in places where she really couldn't stand being touched - on her face and around her breasts, specifically. My offers of sexual contact started being met with refusal. She hardly ever "started things up" any more, though there were some notable and memorable exceptions. Never very adventurous in bed, she seemed to have little interest in trying anything new. The one "fetish" that she indulged in was occasionally allowing me to tie her up, which I didn't particularly enjoy (see above about my need to have a willing partner - the bondage act was actually a turn-off for me).
Her illness, which is chronic, flared up. She underwent surgeries and spent a lot of time hospitalized. The result was that we grew closer as a couple but more distant as lovers. She became very self-conscious about her scars and refused to wear any of the exotic lingerie I had bought for her, even the ones that covered her scars. She complained that she wanted to feel beautiful, not slutty, but since her definition of "beautiful" seemed to be something that covered her up completely, I stopped buying her lingerie.
When her illness went into remission, we decided to have a child. I was looking forward to the process of trying to conceive, but then we succeeded in two weeks. I hoped for the phenomenon that pregnant women sometimes experience when their sex drive goes way up during the second or third trimester, but it didn't happen. Naturally, after our child was born, we didn't have much time for sex.
By this time she was refusing my sexual advances almost continuously, and so I stopped offering them. After three months of clibacy, she discovered that something was amiss. We began to talk about how we could make things better. She explained that she wasn't comfortable initiating sex, and that she frequently just didn't feel up to it. I suggested that she could at least give me some kind of indication that she wouldn't be opposed to the idea.
Time went by, and we had sex about once or twice a month. I began spending a good amount of time surfing for internet porn to curb my appetite. The sex itself was boring and fairly consistant in tone. Generally, she would just lie there. I asked what would turn her on and she said that all she really wanted was to be "romanced". Candlelight and soft music were no problem, but it was (and is) difficult for me to talk to her during sex. She wanted me to say thing like "I love you, I cherish you. You mean the world to me. I'm incomplete without you, my only love." While I do feel these things, I just can't spout that kind of poetry when I've got a raging hard-on. She said that she can't understand why I would have to think about it, and that if I can say things like "you're so hot, I want to fuck you hard" then I ought to be able to say something more deep and meaningful that turns her on. Of course I can, but then I go soft because I'm thinking about what I need to say instead of enjoying the moment.
Another hospitalization took its toll.
By this point, I was pretty much resigned to the idea that I wasn't going to be getting any. We had another "long talk" and she admitted that she really didn't feel the need for sex. I was equally honest, telling her that even when we had sex, it was boring for me. I want her to be flirtatious, a little more daring, a lot more willing and definitely more open about her wants. What she wants from me, I still don't know because she can't seem to tell me.
The situation today: We just aren't having sex. I satisfy my own needs wholly by jerking off to the internet (I will NOT have an extramarital affair). She, as far as I can tell, doesn't have any sexual needs. The situation is taking its toll on our marriage. Our anniversary is coming up, and I have no idea whether I even want to try and have sex with her because (a) there's a better-than-even chance she'll turn me down, and (b) even if we do, it'll feel like an obligation.
I should mention that other than problems with sex, we have a very good and compatible relationship. We are open with each other, keep no secrets, and very much in love. If we weren't we'd just divorce and that would be the end of it, but it is an option that neither of us could bear to contemplate.
So there it is. I have no idea what to do. I'm actually holding back tears as I type this because it's so unbearably frustrating. Can anyone offer advice?
First of all, the players in this tragedy:
Me. I have a fairly strong sex drive, and ideally would have it three times a week or more. Although my fantasy life is active, I don't feel the need to act out all those fantasies (a good example is that I am turned on by the idea of having two women at once, but in reality I wouldn't want to share my wife even with another woman). The main thing that I need in order to get turned on is reciprocation - in other words, I really need my lover to want me in return. I cannot get excited about someone who doesn't want me, no matter how attractive she is.
My wife. Her sex drive is much less than mine - she would probably be satisfied with once every two weeks. Everything else, you'll learn about as I tell my story.
Both of us were sexually inexperienced when we met. We enjoyed a fun and frequent sex life while we dated, and things were great. To this day neither of us has ever had a sexual partner besides each other.
Shortly after we were engaged, my wife became ill and this naturally impacted our sex life. She took medication that lessened her sex drive and upset her stomach. Sometimes intercourse was acutely painful for her. We dealt with it as best we could, and by the time we were married she was (mostly) doing better.
The honeymoon ended rather quickly. It became difficult to have sex with my wife, as some slight nerve damage due to her illness and subsequent surgeries had resulted in places where she really couldn't stand being touched - on her face and around her breasts, specifically. My offers of sexual contact started being met with refusal. She hardly ever "started things up" any more, though there were some notable and memorable exceptions. Never very adventurous in bed, she seemed to have little interest in trying anything new. The one "fetish" that she indulged in was occasionally allowing me to tie her up, which I didn't particularly enjoy (see above about my need to have a willing partner - the bondage act was actually a turn-off for me).
Her illness, which is chronic, flared up. She underwent surgeries and spent a lot of time hospitalized. The result was that we grew closer as a couple but more distant as lovers. She became very self-conscious about her scars and refused to wear any of the exotic lingerie I had bought for her, even the ones that covered her scars. She complained that she wanted to feel beautiful, not slutty, but since her definition of "beautiful" seemed to be something that covered her up completely, I stopped buying her lingerie.
When her illness went into remission, we decided to have a child. I was looking forward to the process of trying to conceive, but then we succeeded in two weeks. I hoped for the phenomenon that pregnant women sometimes experience when their sex drive goes way up during the second or third trimester, but it didn't happen. Naturally, after our child was born, we didn't have much time for sex.
By this time she was refusing my sexual advances almost continuously, and so I stopped offering them. After three months of clibacy, she discovered that something was amiss. We began to talk about how we could make things better. She explained that she wasn't comfortable initiating sex, and that she frequently just didn't feel up to it. I suggested that she could at least give me some kind of indication that she wouldn't be opposed to the idea.
Time went by, and we had sex about once or twice a month. I began spending a good amount of time surfing for internet porn to curb my appetite. The sex itself was boring and fairly consistant in tone. Generally, she would just lie there. I asked what would turn her on and she said that all she really wanted was to be "romanced". Candlelight and soft music were no problem, but it was (and is) difficult for me to talk to her during sex. She wanted me to say thing like "I love you, I cherish you. You mean the world to me. I'm incomplete without you, my only love." While I do feel these things, I just can't spout that kind of poetry when I've got a raging hard-on. She said that she can't understand why I would have to think about it, and that if I can say things like "you're so hot, I want to fuck you hard" then I ought to be able to say something more deep and meaningful that turns her on. Of course I can, but then I go soft because I'm thinking about what I need to say instead of enjoying the moment.
Another hospitalization took its toll.
By this point, I was pretty much resigned to the idea that I wasn't going to be getting any. We had another "long talk" and she admitted that she really didn't feel the need for sex. I was equally honest, telling her that even when we had sex, it was boring for me. I want her to be flirtatious, a little more daring, a lot more willing and definitely more open about her wants. What she wants from me, I still don't know because she can't seem to tell me.
The situation today: We just aren't having sex. I satisfy my own needs wholly by jerking off to the internet (I will NOT have an extramarital affair). She, as far as I can tell, doesn't have any sexual needs. The situation is taking its toll on our marriage. Our anniversary is coming up, and I have no idea whether I even want to try and have sex with her because (a) there's a better-than-even chance she'll turn me down, and (b) even if we do, it'll feel like an obligation.
I should mention that other than problems with sex, we have a very good and compatible relationship. We are open with each other, keep no secrets, and very much in love. If we weren't we'd just divorce and that would be the end of it, but it is an option that neither of us could bear to contemplate.
So there it is. I have no idea what to do. I'm actually holding back tears as I type this because it's so unbearably frustrating. Can anyone offer advice?
