Hi from a New Writer!

[SensualCurves]

Hi to all,

I have just submitted my very first story and would love to hear from you, any and all comments. <Gulp!> Please be gentle!! LOL

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=164297

Thank you for your interest,

Best wishes,

SensualCurves x

 

[wishfulthinking]

Hi SC, welcome to lit!

I read your story [admittedly the first of the fetish category, so please take that into account], and thought it was an excellent beginning. You have a very smooth and enthusiatic style of writing that makes it easy on the reader.

The only thing I would comment on is that you have to avoid telling the reader the obvious as it may insult their intelligence. Eg Greg (sub), as well as the ocassional thoughts or comments throughout the story.

The only other thing, which I don't view as a negative, but just something to be aware of. Because this is a site about erotic stories and readers are generally [not all] looking to be entertained , you may get some low votes from readers who expect naughty sex scenes when your story hasn't developed that far yet. But as I said, it is an excellent beginning, and your skill with words is a lot better than mine when I posted my first story!

Keep writing!

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I like this story a lot. The first paragraph is stylistically beautiful. The second paragraph unfortunately told me I wouldn't really appreciate the subject matter, but I can still revel in the style and give you tips on that.

The third and fourth paragraphs show that what you're doing well can be overdone, and become a mannerism. You have fresh, vivid writing, and this mannerism is the dominant distraction from it, so that's what I want to discuss.

Why I loved the first paragraph straight off was its variety of construction in such a small compass: a simple sentence; then a verbless sentence; then a lingering descriptive sentence with two different kinds of preposed clauses. This whole thing shouted out to me: command of style! You know how to make interesting, varied sentences, and you adapt them iconically to the sensuous subject matter.

Now in the third and fourth every single sentence has some kind of preposed modifier. It can be an adverb:

Carefully, she...

or an adjective phrase:

Severe yet sexy, they...

or a past participle phrase:

Satisfied, she...
Oiling completed, Sasha...

or a present participle phrase:

Taking out a jade green satin cincher with suspenders attached, she...
Opening the cellophane wrapper, Sasha...
Lifting one leg onto the chair, her gloved hands...
Taking care, she...
Walking to her mirror she....

and in one case there's no main clause:

Smiling to herself...

Individually these are the stuff of style. Elsewhere, you vary these and use them occasionally and appropriately. Here it seems the languid process being described has taken over and you're subconsciously (I assume) delaying the main action. If not all the sentences of those paragraphs began that way, it would be more effective.

After that scene it gets back to normal, with a proper variety of modification, before and after. The first Greg paragraph is blunt and masculine, suggesting that you know clearly what you're doing with matching sentence type to scene.

The paragraph towards the end, opening Greg was in a daze, is a good illustration. It's mainly in this 'masculine' style, main clauses at the start, but is not lacking in variety and complication: multiple subordination but he knew if; single-word questions, and questions with detailed structure and continuation; and its final sentence long and involved, but as always, perfectly balanced.

And it's a lovely romantic story.

 

[SensualCurves]

Wow! Thank you so much for your input. I honestly hadn't thought about the structure of each paragraph as much as I really should have done; I just sat down and wrote the story whilst the mood was upon me!

In a reply I received concerning this story, I was asked if this really was my first ever story - the answer is yes! I have scribbled down half stories or odd chapters before, but this is truly my very first story ever to be completed.

I am grateful Rainbow for such a detailed critique and I will try to watch out for that 'mannerism' which detracted from the storyline, thank you

SC

 

[SensualCurves]

Thank you for your constructive reply wishful. I went to read one of your stories and was so grateful that you took the time to comment on my little attempt! Your story was amazing! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and can't wait for more! I am honoured that two so very experienced authors decided to reply to me. Thanks so much to both of you!

SC