Feedback request- Amanda’s Awakening Pt 1

[searchingcouple3]

Hi all,

Please could you let us know if it’s worth continuing our story. We’d love some advice.

https://www.literotica.com/s/amandas-awakening-pt-01/comments/17105604

Thank you so much

M and S x

 

[paulworcsuk]

Great story and well written, looking forward to reading more!

 

[Duil2]

I need to ask, who you're writing the story for? What I mean is - is it for yourselves or the readers? Personally, I would advise, that if you enjoy writing it, continue, but if you're only continuing because you think you should, and you're not still committed to, and excited by, the story, then you probably shouldn't.
You asked for advice so here is mine.
1. I feel it would have been better not to make the Spa experience a memory of Amanda's. I think it would have flowed better if you'd just started with that mini-break. Some of how it was written could have been made more immediate, then.
2. You can't proofread a story too much, to catch as many small errors as possible. One tip for this is to read it aloud. Especially the dialogue. You'll likely hear immediately when something is wrong or just doesn't flow as best it might.
3. Mentioning dialogue - in normal speech, unless your character is speaking in English as their second language, people use contractions - 'I'll' - 'I can't' - etc. Their speech sounded very formal for a couple married for many years.
4. It's likely a personal preference but I'd rather have the characters less inebriated when the real action begins. One or two drinks early in the night to relax them is one thing but it felt like there was a lot of alcohol involved.
5. If you're interested in improving your writing skill, and I know not everyone will agree with me here, but I'd suggest letting a volunteer editor give it a once over before you publish. They'll help you find some of those little hiccups that slip through when the writer is too familiar with their own story. You might already be familiar with the Editor's Program here on the site.

Overall, only you can decide if you want to invest your time into producing the next installment. It is basically a good premise and storyline and I'm sure as you write you might decide to develop your characters more deeply. Let the reader into their thoughts, reactions and emotions as well as what happened.
Just a little head's up. It's been mentioned several times in other Forums on the site, that it's natural for readership to fall away after the first flurry of excitement over a new story and potential series. If you do write more, be prepared for that to happen, and if it does don't be discouraged by it. Readers can be fickle, and are often just drawn to the next new shiny thing. Some will be delighted you kept going and stick with you... others won't care so much, even if they said you should go on. That's the nature of the beast that is the Literotica readership.

I hope this helped in some small way. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[CalBishForNow]

Posted this in the other thread, reposted it here when I saw this one.

The plot was fine.

The writing, to be blunt, needs editing. You describe Amanda as 43 in the 5th paragraph and 44 in the 6th. There are typos that would have been caught by a spell-checking tool, like "slim,43 year old" and "receptionist pcame over." There's no reason to capitalize "dragon" in that context or have a comma directly after a question mark.

Your characters talk weirdly. Basically everything Marcus says about sex, particularly the paragraph starting, "Remember that you have agreed to say yes to everything I ask of you," just doesn't sound like anything a human could say with a straight face. Announcing that he's going to remind her later that men will want to fuck her? Telling Llewellyn and Julia that he's "psychologically and physically asking her to submit to all my wishes"? That's not sexy in either as hotwife/swinger plot like yours or a BDSM plot, that's just clinical. Same for Amanda's exchange with Seb.

Sorry if that's more blunt than you wanted. Should you continue? I'm assuming this is just a hobby for you, just like 90+% of writers here. If you enjoy it, feel free to keep at it. The problems I mentioned above didn't keep you from getting respectable ratings. I'm just saying, if you want to improve, you've got stuff to work on.

 

[Ianus4]

Always use tags in your stories, especially in LW, which is a huge melting pot. There are marital dramas, swinging, cuckolding, hotwifing etc. there—and if one likes one type, they’ll likely hate the other. Without tags, many people won’t even bother reading them.

 

[Steph_McNeal]

Thank you for sharing your story here, M and S. I'm guessing that since you're asking for feedback, that means you're actively trying to improve your writing with future stories in mind. I hope one of those future stories will be a continuation of this one. It's a very interesting premise which offers plenty of ways to add more adventures to Amanda's weekend.

There's a few things I'd like to point out when it comes to your writing. In addition to what the others in this thread have given you (especially about the dialogue and the intro-paragraph about waking up), I'd kindly like to add:

Details and information: it may sound tedious but every little bit of information you give your reader, should matter. So - just an example - when you write:

...and booked Imogen, their daughter in with regular babysitting friends.

...then as a reader I'm assuming this is something that matters. They have a daughter. She's young. They have friends that regularly babysit. You even tell me her name. It's important apparently, I should remember that.
Why though? Imogen has no role in the story. Not at this point, not anywhere else. Maybe she's there to describe the hectic life of Marcus and Amanda? Balancing busy jobs, an active social life and then on top of that raising a small kid that bursts into the bedroom sobbing about bad dreams whenever they try to get nasty? I'm just guessing, but this would emphasize the need for a naughty weekend away at least. In the current setup, knowing about Imogen is just clutter the reader can do without.

This also goes the other way, with Seb. He's a dude. He has a name. He's at the same hotel. And that is about all you tell the reader. You do a good job describing some actions of his, so we can gather that he's a confident guy that takes initiative. But other than that he's just a blurry shadow gliding along in the story. Even Nathan gets a short description; you even mention his wedding ring, which is a nice detail.

How much information you should give readers about characters, is up for debate. Some readers like a very clear picture of who they're dealing with. Personally, I like it when the appearance of a character is not fully colored in. It lets me fill in the details to my liking. But I still need something to hang those details onto. Here, I know as much about Seb - one of the driving forces in the story - as I know about Imogen, who serves zero purpose.

The mention of their drinks are another example. Do we need to know the exact cocktails they're having? I'm not a cocktail person, so maybe espresso Martini’s speak volumes about someone's character and I'm just not knowledgable enough to pick that up. But to me it is extra information I could do without.
Describing their drinks would make sense if Amanda would have 'a cocktail' while Marcus opts for coffee: he has to stay sharp and focused, while Amanda can let loose. Or when he orders a beer in a fancy bar, grounding him as a more regular guy. Not saying this is the way, but at least it tells me something. Otherwise, just leave it out.

Tension and build-up: overall the story is nicely paced but I want to point out one thing.

Time to test the water, he thought.

Without saying anything he messaged Amanda who was sitting next to him. She picked up her phone and the message read, You are to obtain Julia's knickers and then wear them back to the Uber.

Punctuation aside, I was excited for this part. It's a cool challenge for Amanda. Tension is building between the two couples. Llewelyn and Julia are established as a free-spirited, up for anything, hot couple. Marcus and Amanda have their kinky little game going on. They've shared some naughty banter. Now it is time to step it up. Amanda has to get Julia's knickers, in the middle of a crowded restaurant. Could be very hot, as it will show us how far the hot lesbians are willing to go. And whether or not Amanda will agree to anything Marcus tells her to. It will be a significant escalation for several characters. How will Amanda convince a woman she just met to hand over her underwear? How will Julia react? Will Llewelyn notice? Go along?

There's so much you can draw from to make this scene believable and incredibly exciting. Maybe a bit of reluctance from Amanda as she's considering crossing another boundary. Marcus subtly urging them forward, establishing control even over people other than his own wife. Llewelyn, after her initial shock, eagerly observing, wondering if her partner will comply. Julia, confidently challenging Amanda, seeing how far the protagonist is willing to go. Instead, what we get in the very next line is something like:

Amanda: "Yo gimme your underwear!"
Julia: "Sure."
Declan: "That's hot."
> end scene <



Show, don't tell: the writing feels flat because in several cases you tell the reader precisely what they need to know. Letting the reader experience the story through actions, dialogue, and sensory details makes writing more vivid and engaging.
Small example, from when Amanda, Seb and Nathan take the elevator up to their room. Again, tension is boiling over. They can barely wait, can't keep their hands to themselves until finally the elevator stops and the doors open.

The lift hit the 6th floor and they exited in an exciting manner.

You telling us they are excited doesn't do anything for me as a reader. How does one even exit excitedly? Do they hold hands and skip away? Cartwheel along the hallway?
Instead, consider describing how they exit. How Amanda grabs their hands and almost drags them towards her room. How the men are looking at each other, smiling, mouthing 'wow', as they are being led out the elevator. Maybe one stumbles, as their feet can't carry them quick enough towards whatever is coming next. The bottle falls, tips over. Expensive champagne pools on the elevator floor as the doors close behind them.
This will allow you to paint a beautiful picture that leaves the reader with a very strong impression that they are, indeed, exiting excitedly.

Naming: this may be completely personal and nitpicky, but: did you have to go with Llewelyn as a character name? How does one pronounce this? Levelin? Jewelin? You-wa-line? What do I have to do with a double -L-? Help!
Every time she's mentioned, it distracts from the story. I'm not from the UK, and this may be a very common name for you. But considering an international audience here, this fits better into some Lord of the Rings fanfic. If you’re really attached to the name, maybe add a quick pronunciation guide (e.g., ‘Llewelyn (LEW-eh-lin)’). Even better, work it into the story.
"The other introduced herself as Llewelyn. Her eyes narrowed as she slowly drew out the syllables of her name. As if she cast a spell at the table: "Lew-eh-lin."
Otherwise, a simpler name might keep readers immersed.

---

Finally to answer your question: should you continue? I agree with the others. If writing this story has provided you with something - could be the joy of creating something, practice in your writing, the excitement of putting your fantasies into words, anything - and you want that again: then go for it. The story, as it currently is, offers plenty of opportunity to continue. The writing could use work, but don't let that stop you.

 

[searchingcouple3]

Great story and well written, looking forward to reading more!

Thank you! Any tips on where’d you’d like the plot to go? We have lots of ideas but we’d also like tips!

 

[searchingcouple3]

I need to ask, who you're writing the story for? What I mean is - is it for yourselves or the readers? Personally, I would advise, that if you enjoy writing it, continue, but if you're only continuing because you think you should, and you're not still committed to, and excited by, the story, then you probably shouldn't.
You asked for advice so here is mine.
1. I feel it would have been better not to make the Spa experience a memory of Amanda's. I think it would have flowed better if you'd just started with that mini-break. Some of how it was written could have been made more immediate, then.
2. You can't proofread a story too much, to catch as many small errors as possible. One tip for this is to read it aloud. Especially the dialogue. You'll likely hear immediately when something is wrong or just doesn't flow as best it might.
3. Mentioning dialogue - in normal speech, unless your character is speaking in English as their second language, people use contractions - 'I'll' - 'I can't' - etc. Their speech sounded very formal for a couple married for many years.
4. It's likely a personal preference but I'd rather have the characters less inebriated when the real action begins. One or two drinks early in the night to relax them is one thing but it felt like there was a lot of alcohol involved.
5. If you're interested in improving your writing skill, and I know not everyone will agree with me here, but I'd suggest letting a volunteer editor give it a once over before you publish. They'll help you find some of those little hiccups that slip through when the writer is too familiar with their own story. You might already be familiar with the Editor's Program here on the site.

Overall, only you can decide if you want to invest your time into producing the next installment. It is basically a good premise and storyline and I'm sure as you write you might decide to develop your characters more deeply. Let the reader into their thoughts, reactions and emotions as well as what happened.
Just a little head's up. It's been mentioned several times in other Forums on the site, that it's natural for readership to fall away after the first flurry of excitement over a new story and potential series. If you do write more, be prepared for that to happen, and if it does don't be discouraged by it. Readers can be fickle, and are often just drawn to the next new shiny thing. Some will be delighted you kept going and stick with you... others won't care so much, even if they said you should go on. That's the nature of the beast that is the Literotica readership.

I hope this helped in some small way. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Thank you so much for going into detail. Your first question really made us think. We first started out writing parts of a story to turn each other on.
Now we’d like to think that our writing would turn others on and in turn that would encourage us to continue.

 

[searchingcouple3]

Thank you for sharing your story here, M and S. I'm guessing that since you're asking for feedback, that means you're actively trying to improve your writing with future stories in mind. I hope one of those future stories will be a continuation of this one. It's a very interesting premise which offers plenty of ways to add more adventures to Amanda's weekend.

There's a few things I'd like to point out when it comes to your writing. In addition to what the others in this thread have given you (especially about the dialogue and the intro-paragraph about waking up), I'd kindly like to add:

Details and information: it may sound tedious but every little bit of information you give your reader, should matter. So - just an example - when you write:


...then as a reader I'm assuming this is something that matters. They have a daughter. She's young. They have friends that regularly babysit. You even tell me her name. It's important apparently, I should remember that.
Why though? Imogen has no role in the story. Not at this point, not anywhere else. Maybe she's there to describe the hectic life of Marcus and Amanda? Balancing busy jobs, an active social life and then on top of that raising a small kid that bursts into the bedroom sobbing about bad dreams whenever they try to get nasty? I'm just guessing, but this would emphasize the need for a naughty weekend away at least. In the current setup, knowing about Imogen is just clutter the reader can do without.

This also goes the other way, with Seb. He's a dude. He has a name. He's at the same hotel. And that is about all you tell the reader. You do a good job describing some actions of his, so we can gather that he's a confident guy that takes initiative. But other than that he's just a blurry shadow gliding along in the story. Even Nathan gets a short description; you even mention his wedding ring, which is a nice detail.

How much information you should give readers about characters, is up for debate. Some readers like a very clear picture of who they're dealing with. Personally, I like it when the appearance of a character is not fully colored in. It lets me fill in the details to my liking. But I still need something to hang those details onto. Here, I know as much about Seb - one of the driving forces in the story - as I know about Imogen, who serves zero purpose.

The mention of their drinks are another example. Do we need to know the exact cocktails they're having? I'm not a cocktail person, so maybe espresso Martini’s speak volumes about someone's character and I'm just not knowledgable enough to pick that up. But to me it is extra information I could do without.
Describing their drinks would make sense if Amanda would have 'a cocktail' while Marcus opts for coffee: he has to stay sharp and focused, while Amanda can let loose. Or when he orders a beer in a fancy bar, grounding him as a more regular guy. Not saying this is the way, but at least it tells me something. Otherwise, just leave it out.

Tension and build-up: overall the story is nicely paced but I want to point out one thing.


Punctuation aside, I was excited for this part. It's a cool challenge for Amanda. Tension is building between the two couples. Llewelyn and Julia are established as a free-spirited, up for anything, hot couple. Marcus and Amanda have their kinky little game going on. They've shared some naughty banter. Now it is time to step it up. Amanda has to get Julia's knickers, in the middle of a crowded restaurant. Could be very hot, as it will show us how far the hot lesbians are willing to go. And whether or not Amanda will agree to anything Marcus tells her to. It will be a significant escalation for several characters. How will Amanda convince a woman she just met to hand over her underwear? How will Julia react? Will Llewelyn notice? Go along?

There's so much you can draw from to make this scene believable and incredibly exciting. Maybe a bit of reluctance from Amanda as she's considering crossing another boundary. Marcus subtly urging them forward, establishing control even over people other than his own wife. Llewelyn, after her initial shock, eagerly observing, wondering if her partner will comply. Julia, confidently challenging Amanda, seeing how far the protagonist is willing to go. Instead, what we get in the very next line is something like:

Amanda: "Yo gimme your underwear!"
Julia: "Sure."
Declan: "That's hot."
> end scene <



Show, don't tell: the writing feels flat because in several cases you tell the reader precisely what they need to know. Letting the reader experience the story through actions, dialogue, and sensory details makes writing more vivid and engaging.
Small example, from when Amanda, Seb and Nathan take the elevator up to their room. Again, tension is boiling over. They can barely wait, can't keep their hands to themselves until finally the elevator stops and the doors open.


You telling us they are excited doesn't do anything for me as a reader. How does one even exit excitedly? Do they hold hands and skip away? Cartwheel along the hallway?
Instead, consider describing how they exit. How Amanda grabs their hands and almost drags them towards her room. How the men are looking at each other, smiling, mouthing 'wow', as they are being led out the elevator. Maybe one stumbles, as their feet can't carry them quick enough towards whatever is coming next. The bottle falls, tips over. Expensive champagne pools on the elevator floor as the doors close behind them.
This will allow you to paint a beautiful picture that leaves the reader with a very strong impression that they are, indeed, exiting excitedly.

Naming: this may be completely personal and nitpicky, but: did you have to go with Llewelyn as a character name? How does one pronounce this? Levelin? Jewelin? You-wa-line? What do I have to do with a double -L-? Help!
Every time she's mentioned, it distracts from the story. I'm not from the UK, and this may be a very common name for you. But considering an international audience here, this fits better into some Lord of the Rings fanfic. If you’re really attached to the name, maybe add a quick pronunciation guide (e.g., ‘Llewelyn (LEW-eh-lin)’). Even better, work it into the story.
"The other introduced herself as Llewelyn. Her eyes narrowed as she slowly drew out the syllables of her name. As if she cast a spell at the table: "Lew-eh-lin."
Otherwise, a simpler name might keep readers immersed.

---

Finally to answer your question: should you continue? I agree with the others. If writing this story has provided you with something - could be the joy of creating something, practice in your writing, the excitement of putting your fantasies into words, anything - and you want that again: then go for it. The story, as it currently is, offers plenty of opportunity to continue. The writing could use work, but don't let that stop you.

Thank you for taking the time to comment. We loved the fact that you noticed the name Llewelyn in Wales is pronounced as Thlewethlyn! (Difficult, we know, but indicative of being in Wales). We could have used John or Karen but we felt a little more adventurous.

Your tips completely resonate with our request. We’d love to get better.

Would you mind reading our older post? Amanda’s Life Changing Decision? We wrote it a while ago and lost our login on here. Please let us know if we’ve improved or not.

Thank you again,

S and M x

 

[Duil2]

Thank you so much for going into detail. Your first question really made us think. We first started out writing parts of a story to turn each other on.
Now we’d like to think that our writing would turn others on and in turn that would encourage us to continue.

I'm glad it was useful. I think you've got your encouragement given that 20 people have added this story to their favourite list and the majority of the comments wanted a second installment. The difficulty with the voting is that readers vote for so many varied subjective reasons but generally if a story is arousing and its written well it will get good ratings.
My advice. Write the next installment and get it edited before publication. I'm one of the volunteer editors and so would be happy to look at it and advise on the writing and where it might be improved, if you'd like. We can have a private conversation if you want to do this and I'll let you have my email address to send on the draft document in which I can comment.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Didn't actually read it (sorry, got a backlog of reviews to work through), but I wanted to emphasize a few things that have been said, not around the story itself but the motivations and expectations.

Unless you're writing for money (self-publishing or otherwise), the impetus to work on a story should primarily come from within (or in your case, between the two of you). Write what you want to write, not what you think others want to read. So, the question of "is it worth continuing" is entirely "is it worth continuing to you." Do you want to keep working on it? If so, you should.

Second, as @Duil2 pointed out, if you continue this as chaptered work, you can expect a roughly 80% drop in views. Don't take this as a sign that the story isn't worth persuing, this is a near universal phenomena on Lit. The reason being is that people rarely jump straight into a random chapter of a series they haven't touched (with some exceptions), so they'll go check out chapter 1. People who weren't a fan of the story won't continue, and those who are will. A lot of the clicks on that first story are going to include people who didn't really resonate with the material for whatever reason (sometimes it's because its not their kink, they didn't like the characters or story, and many other reasons besides), so the people who continue are the ones most invested in your story.

Third, you've gotten a lot of good feedback. Tags are crucial, as @Ianus4 pointed out, and @Duil2, @CalBishForNow, and @Steph_McNeal have a lot of very good points to take into consideration.

Fourth, enjoy yourself. Writing is fun. You have a story that people seem to be enjoying, and that's a great feeling, but always remember that writing is about doing something you love.

Good luck!

 

[Steph_McNeal]

We loved the fact that you noticed the name Llewelyn in Wales is pronounced as Thlewethlyn! (Difficult, we know, but indicative of being in Wales). We could have used John or Karen but we felt a little more adventurous.

Thlewethlyn?! Never in a million years would I have guessed this. I've been trying to pronounce it, but it makes me sound like I just woke up from anesthesia or something.

Hey, I think it is great that you felt adventurous and landed on this as a name. Never settle for John or Karen (unless it fits your character and you deliberately choose it). Llewelyn looks like a beautiful name for sure.

But is there really a need to indicate being in Wales? And were there no other ways to do so? You already mentioned Cardiff, wasn't that enough? Is it even important for the story to know where it takes place?

Anyway, I don't want to put too much emphasis on this. Just be aware that it is an unnecessary hurdle - a distraction from the story you're trying to tell - for this non-Welsh reader.

Edit: I couldn't find the other story you mentioned, btw. Do you have a link?

 

[searchingcouple3]

https://www.literotica.com/s/amandas-life-changing-decision

Thank you

 

[searchingcouple3]

Thlewethlyn?! Never in a million years would I have guessed this. I've been trying to pronounce it, but it makes me sound like I just woke up from anesthesia or something.

Hey, I think it is great that you felt adventurous and landed on this as a name. Never settle for John or Karen (unless it fits your character and you deliberately choose it). Llewelyn looks like a beautiful name for sure.

But is there really a need to indicate being in Wales? And were there no other ways to do so? You already mentioned Cardiff, wasn't that enough? Is it even important for the story to know where it takes place?

Anyway, I don't want to put too much emphasis on this. Just be aware that it is an unnecessary hurdle - a distraction from the story you're trying to tell - for this non-Welsh reader.

Edit: I couldn't find the other story you mentioned, btw. Do you have a link?

 

[searchingcouple3]

Thlewethlyn?! Never in a million years would I have guessed this. I've been trying to pronounce it, but it makes me sound like I just woke up from anesthesia or something.

Hey, I think it is great that you felt adventurous and landed on this as a name. Never settle for John or Karen (unless it fits your character and you deliberately choose it). Llewelyn looks like a beautiful name for sure.

But is there really a need to indicate being in Wales? And were there no other ways to do so? You already mentioned Cardiff, wasn't that enough? Is it even important for the story to know where it takes place?

Anyway, I don't want to put too much emphasis on this. Just be aware that it is an unnecessary hurdle - a distraction from the story you're trying to tell - for this non-Welsh reader.

Edit: I couldn't find the other story you mentioned, btw. Do you have a link?

https://www.literotica.com/s/amandas-life-changing-decision

Thank you