How’s your married sex life?

[Paguy8641]

Men also need to learn that women need help at times. There is no reason why we can’t cook a meal. Do some laundry or clean up the kitchen. Women need to feel respected and needed for more than just mommy or sex. Take her out occasionally make her feel as special as the day you met. It works wonders for her mental health and both of your sex lives and well being. I have been doing exactly this for 45 years and we have a great relationship and sex life. I would never change a thing.

 

[Dubinsky]

Do you make
Sure she knows that she is still a very desirable woman. When was the last time you brought her flowers for no reason other than to tell her that her beauty is far more than the bouquet. When did you compliment her last. Maybe walk past and give her ass a little pat and make a comment about it still looking as fine as
Ever ?

Often.

I was just replying to the question from @BackwoodsMama. I wasn't looking for advice.

 

[Representingmyhotwife]

No sex

 

[BackwoodsMama]

She never had any real interest in sex. We didn't have sex before we married so I had no idea. When we did have sex I'm the one who had to initiate it, and more often than not I got turned down. After a while I got tired of the rejection. I didn't want to feel like she was doing me a favor by having sex. Sex shouldn't be about that. It's a very intimate way of expressing your love. In addition, the skin on skin contact was very important, as well as the cuddling afterwards.

She did catch me masturbating once and said, "That's disgusting." I felt bad enough masturbating as it was, and her comment was like a dagger to the heart. I was raised Catholic and masturbation was a big no-no. So after her comment, and my upbringing, I stopped masturbating. It was only a few years ago when a therapist encouraged me to masturbate that I took it back up again. Initially, it was difficult...too much shame and guilt...but she kept encouraging me and now I'm comfortable masturbating. And, while it's nice to have the orgasm, I miss the intimacy of sex and the cuddling, which I can't get masturbating.

We've never discussed it. I didn't see the point, and honestly I didn't want a confrontation over sex. Sex should be a celebration, joyful, not a negotiation.

As far as the health of our relationship goes, I'd give it a "C", and we sleep in separate bedrooms. Which is a good thing, or I wouldn't even be able to masturbate. The last time we had sex was in July of 2001, and it's the last time I had sex.

I don't know what her perspective is, but she seemed to make it pretty clear in rejecting my advances more often than not. And, it's not like I was an inconsiderate lover. I always felt the woman's needs came before mine, so I always made sure she had an orgasm before I did.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you have with both your relationship and sex. I wonder what it might take to get your “C” grade up to a “B”. Not necessarily focused on sex, but all the other things that happen day to day.

 

[RoanMtn]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you have with both your relationship and sex. I wonder what it might take to get your “C” grade up to a “B”. Not necessarily focused on sex, but all the other things that happen day to day.

I don't know? I do house work and yard work. I'm solicitous and kind. I can't control those times she gets "short" with me, I can only control how I react. So instead of getting defensive, or argumentative, I just let it go. And, before I go to bed each night, I go through all the things I am grateful for, and it helps put things in perspective.

 

[BackwoodsMama]

I don't know? I do house work and yard work. I'm solicitous and kind. I can't control those times she gets "short" with me, I can only control how I react. So instead of getting defensive, or argumentative, I just let it go. And, before I go to bed each night, I go through all the things I am grateful for, and it helps put things in perspective.

Sounds like you’re at the very least not a burden to her in the way men can sometimes be. I wish I could ask her what would help her feel loved, supported and cherished.

 

[RoanMtn]

Sounds like you’re at the very least not a burden to her in the way men can sometimes be. I wish I could ask her what would help her feel loved, supported and cherished.

The LAST thing I want to be is a burden. She has a lot of friends, and she's very close with all her siblings. She's extremely intelligent, and engages in a variety of activities. She is very personable. Well, maybe with one exception, lol.

 

[BackwoodsMama]

The LAST thing I want to be is a burden. She has a lot of friends, and she's very close with all her siblings. She's extremely intelligent, and engages in a variety of activities. She is very personable. Well, maybe with one exception, lol.

I suppose she can’t check all the boxes, right??

 

[RoanMtn]

I suppose she can’t check all the boxes, right??

None of us can, BackwoodsMama. All of us are on the same ride and all we can do is the best we can with what we have.

 

[zysmith]

Me 62, her 61
38 years married
12 years+ since our last.

 

[Noedels_hb]

Holy fuck... This is a heavy thread to read through.

A lot of men using this forum as a kind of substitute for lacking intamicy at home. This is hard to read. From what I understand there are two 'main' things causing this. Having kids and the menopause.

When we had kids a few years back my wife was indeed primarily a mom. She did (and still) a wonderful job. It's a big hormonal change that changes everything. Also the worry free living goes away. Our sexlife was driving in that period a bit low. I understand that perfectly, sometimes a bit frustrating but understandable. But we never lacked on the intimacy part. We kept on hugging, watching a tv series cuddled together in the sofa, saying we love each other at least once a day,... After the kids starting to sleep better the sex started to gets easier.

I had a vasectomy so she could skip the pill and that also changed some things.

We are now already together for 20 ISH years together and I don't think I ever had the reason to complain. She has always had been adventurous, willing to try anything and stunning. Yes like said when the kids were born it was less, but the intimacy was still there.

I don't know how I could fare in a dead bed room marriage. That doesn't happen most of the time in one day, it's something that grows so maybe you are not aware you are going to that situation....

I'm afraid of the menopause, I'm afraid that the libido of my wife will change... I love here very much and she is perfect for me, I really would mis her, the bond it creates ...

Sorry for my incoherent mumblings...

 

[SouthByWest]

Holy fuck... This is a heavy thread to read through.

A lot of men using this forum as a kind of substitute for lacking intamicy at home. This is hard to read. From what I understand there are two 'main' things causing this. Having kids and the menopause.

When we had kids a few years back my wife was indeed primarily a mom. She did (and still) a wonderful job. It's a big hormonal change that changes everything. Also the worry free living goes away. Our sexlife was driving in that period a bit low. I understand that perfectly, sometimes a bit frustrating but understandable. But we never lacked on the intimacy part. We kept on hugging, watching a tv series cuddled together in the sofa, saying we love each other at least once a day,... After the kids starting to sleep better the sex started to gets easier.

I had a vasectomy so she could skip the pill and that also changed some things.

We are now already together for 20 ISH years together and I don't think I ever had the reason to complain. She has always had been adventurous, willing to try anything and stunning. Yes like said when the kids were born it was less, but the intimacy was still there.

I don't know how I could fare in a dead bed room marriage. That doesn't happen most of the time in one day, it's something that grows so maybe you are not aware you are going to that situation....

I'm afraid of the menopause, I'm afraid that the libido of my wife will change... I love here very much and she is perfect for me, I really would mis her, the bond it creates ...

Sorry for my incoherent mumblings...

There doesn't have to be any change. In the past few years I've dated women in their 50s, 60s and 70s who were all horny as fuck, all the time.

 

[Noedel]

Holy fuck... This is a heavy thread to read through.

A lot of men using this forum as a kind of substitute for lacking intamicy at home. This is hard to read. From what I understand there are two 'main' things causing this. Having kids and the menopause.

When we had kids a few years back my wife was indeed primarily a mom. She did (and still) a wonderful job. It's a big hormonal change that changes everything. Also the worry free living goes away. Our sexlife was driving in that period a bit low. I understand that perfectly, sometimes a bit frustrating but understandable. But we never lacked on the intimacy part. We kept on hugging, watching a tv series cuddled together in the sofa, saying we love each other at least once a day,... After the kids starting to sleep better the sex started to gets easier.

I had a vasectomy so she could skip the pill and that also changed some things.

We are now already together for 20 ISH years together and I don't think I ever had the reason to complain. She has always had been adventurous, willing to try anything and stunning. Yes like said when the kids were born it was less, but the intimacy was still there.

I don't know how I could fare in a dead bed room marriage. That doesn't happen most of the time in one day, it's something that grows so maybe you are not aware you are going to that situation....

I'm afraid of the menopause, I'm afraid that the libido of my wife will change... I love here very much and she is perfect for me, I really would mis her, the bond it creates ...

Sorry for my incoherent mumblings...

Hun... I'm not letting it change anything. I love what we have and I love sex. No stupid thing like a bit of hormones will change that... and it went a bit low but it wasn't because I didn't want to or anything.
And yes, getting of the pill helped quite a bit now I want sex with you and whoever you can or want to drum up

 

[drobert44]

44 and 46. 0 in the last month

What a waste of a fine ass!

 

[AnnieLit]

There doesn't have to be any change. In the past few years I've dated women in their 50s, 60s and 70s who were all horny as fuck, all the time.

That's called self-selection: women in their 50s, 60s, and 70s that are not interested in sex would have zero interest in you as well.

And yes, statistically there are big changes with the menopause. Always? No. Often? Yes. Sensitivity goes down, i e. much more stimulation is needed to reach an orgasm. Lubrication decreases as well, which often makes penetration painful. If the couple figures out that they just need to add more lube, it is great. But when things change gradually they might not realize what is wrong, she just gets less and less pleasure from it. Which makes her less and less likely to initiate sex or be enthusiastic about it. Which in return makes him hesitant to start anything. And so the cycle goes.

 

[LustyScribe]

I’m so curious and have so many questions about this. It seems a common theme that men are in sexless marriages and at least here, seem to be open to doing anything to please and pleasure their spouses.

How did things get there?
What is the health of the rest of the relationship?
Are there conversations about this or only fighting?
What is the perspective of the wife?

All things I want to know!

Maybe I can color some of it in for you. I actually had a conversation with my wife about a year ago in which she confessed that, because I make her feel so secure in our relationship, she felt comfortable in withdrawing from sex. She cited trauma from sexual abuse back in her teens (40+ years, and we've been married almost 40 now) that she, in spite of my encouragement, has never gotten professional help for. Rather than try to get the healing and potentially restoring the intimacy in our marriage, she basically felt "safe" in abandoning my needs. In other words, I loved her too much, I guess. I still try to keep working on the relationship and the intimacy with conversations away from the bedroom, but in spite of her superficial talk and empty promises, little has actually changed. Meanwhile, her abandonment has really begun to fester in my mind and heart, and my psychological health has suffered. Depression sucks.

 

[Deleted member 6808749]

Aren't the two things mutually exclusive?

 

[Darkrhytm]

Maybe I can color some of it in for you. I actually had a conversation with my wife about a year ago in which she confessed that, because I make her feel so secure in our relationship, she felt comfortable in withdrawing from sex. She cited trauma from sexual abuse back in her teens (40+ years, and we've been married almost 40 now) that she, in spite of my encouragement, has never gotten professional help for. Rather than try to get the healing and potentially restoring the intimacy in our marriage, she basically felt "safe" in abandoning my needs. In other words, I loved her too much, I guess. I still try to keep working on the relationship and the intimacy with conversations away from the bedroom, but in spite of her superficial talk and empty promises, little has actually changed. Meanwhile, her abandonment has really begun to fester in my mind and heart, and my psychological health has suffered. Depression sucks.

Open up your marriage. Win win.

 

[LustyScribe]

Open up your marriage. Win win.

Well, to be "open" in the full sense of the word, she would have to have interest in having sex with someone, anyone. I'd actually be open to considering it. She's not. And as far as I'm concerned, I've been abandoned, so if opportunity arises, well, we'll see.

 

[Naughtylo]

Its wonderfull.

 

[Tweedledude]

Well, to be "open" in the full sense of the word, she would have to have interest in having sex with someone, anyone. I'd actually be open to considering it. She's not. And as far as I'm concerned, I've been abandoned, so if opportunity arises, well, we'll see.

Oh so familiar. I have nothing but empathy being in the same sinking boat.

 

[Darkrhytm]

Well, to be "open" in the full sense of the word, she would have to have interest in having sex with someone, anyone. I'd actually be open to considering it. She's not. And as far as I'm concerned, I've been abandoned, so if opportunity arises, well, we'll see.

Open can look like whatever the two of you choose it to be. I think consensual exploration in whatever form is beautiful (including her letting you explore on your own).

 

[Dirtyoldhornyman]

Wait a minute.
You mean when you are married you actually HAVE a sex life?
Wow
I never made the connection…

 

[Paguy8641]

Married for 40 years and still doing her 3 or 4 times a week.

 

[LMWM321]

It took me a bit to get back to the sexual part, but yes I am now able to hold both the mom role and my sexual role at the same time. I know I was motivated because my partner is highly sexual and the health of our relationship was and is important to me. So ignoring the dysfunction there would be ignoring a big issue in our relationship and I didn’t want sex to be eliminated or have it feel obligatory or like a chore because that was damaging to both of us.

I wish women had more support in expressing and understanding their sexuality, so there wasn’t so much avoidance going on. The book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is a really informative read for those trying to reroute their relationship with sexuality.

Great post. ...And my wife and I both read Come As You Are. ..Well, she read it and I opted to listen on Audible. A great book for sure.

My wife's menopause - which came very young - was the biggest challenge in our sex life. ..My wife felt diminished by her increasing challenges having an orgasm and didn't talk about it and me, being the clod I am, didn't really pick up on it. ..The book helped us realize that the goal of sex is to enjoy ourselves and NOT necessarily to have an orgasm. ..Amazingly, once we stopped making her orgasm the goal, she started having them again. ..With lots of credit going to better communication (due in large part to both of us reading the book), better use of toys, and a WHOLE lot of lube.

Added comment:
Oh, and estradiol cream helped a lot with pain during PIV. A godsend for sure. ..It took weeks to start working but once it did it made a night & day difference reducing discomfort which went a long way in restoring her desire.