How did you realize you are polyamorous? Am I polyam?

[Lotus_Kitty]

moderators: I hope this forum is the right one for polyamorous identity questions. If LitE doesn't consider polyamory to fall under the LGBTQI+ umbrella, where should I post my question? Thank you.

I have recently (this year) started asking myself if I am polyamorous. If you are polyam and take the time to read my musings, do you think I might be polyam?

I would be grateful to anyone willing to share how they came to the realization that they are. If you could touch on these additional questions, it would greatly help me figure out what I am or am not. What does polyamory mean to you? Did you always feel this way? Are you currently in a poly relationship? How is it structured? Are you satisfied with it? [edited for spelling]

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Ok, here goes. Please be kind. I have only ever discussed polyamory with my life partner, and only just today, one talk. It was very, very good, cathartic, huge weight off my mind, but didn't answer some questions I have about myself.

I think I might be polyamorous but have no personal experience with it. Until this year, I would have said I was definitely monogamous. I find tremendous beauty in having a devoted life partner, and being devoted to him. I love sharing our lives, the joys are greater, the hardships lighter, the shared goals more meaningful. What changed this year is that I have come to see sex with close friends as non-threatening and desirable.

I am finally confident enough in myself and the strength of the bond with my partner that I don't fear sexual play with others. (PLEASE no monogamy bashing. PLEASE no 'poly people are more evolved/confident/secure than monogamous people'.) Sexual play with close friends sounds delightful to me, at least in theory. I have never engaged in it but I'm demisexual so the same traits that make someone a good friend to me also make them sexually desirable. Mostly the men, but I'm Kinsey 1 or 2 so women start to look frikkin hot when I'm very horny.

All the close male friends I have are married (or outside the age range I find sexually desirable). Being good partners to their wives is part of what makes them attractive to me. However, I would *never* say anything to a monogamous couple about my attraction to the man. I fear to ask anyone if they're poly (so I might never know). It can be dangerous, professionally, personally, to say such things where I live. And I'm not close enough friends with any of them to desperately want to *act* on the attraction. Yet the thought of being that close, and expressing affection through sex, is... intriguing? Definitely pleasant.

I have fantasized about polyamory for years before I even knew a word for it. I imagined relationships, emotional bonds, not just sex. Sometimes it was a woman and two men. It wasn't me in the fantasy, as that would have hurt my partner, but it was three people who cared for each other deeply, were together long term (months, years), and greatly enjoyed sexual play together. Sometimes it was more than three. Sometimes it was a committed polycule of life partners who also played with close friends. Sometimes it was an entire cohort of close in age people that all accepted consenting sexual play as an expression of friendship, like a hug (obviously not the society I live in, especially not where I live).

I have finally seen at least one example of a stable, long term, and very loving poly relationship (a friend of mine). I had not been exposed to loving, healthy poly relationships before. I had seen guys claiming to be poly who were looking for disposable hookup partners (not bashing hookups if all parties want it and nobody gets hurt). I had seen people in bad marriages opening up and not fixing them by fucking other people. However, now I realize good poly relationships are possible. And that possibility gives rise to thoughts, to questions, I would not have considered before.

I love my partner and would rather gnaw off my own arm than hurt him. Our marriage has been happy for many years (and still is). It's not that something is missing in the marriage. It's that I think something could maaaaybe be added, to our friendships, to the way we give to and affirm each other. I won't experiment with willing friends because that would hurt my partner. He enjoys threesome/moresome fantasy but wants monogamy in real life. I also can't experiment with willing friends because I haven't got willing friends for the experiment, or if I do, I have no idea they might be willing. [edited, run on sentence split]

I am fucking delighted by the thought of feeling compersion. The thought of my life partner enjoying a date with a friend, even spending the night with her, and returning to me, feelings for me unchanged, is delightful. When I know close friends enjoy a strong bond with a sexual partner, I am delighted in their sexual joy. When I hear about the sexual joy of strangers with strong emotional bonds to a partner, I feel delight in their sexual joy. Is that compersion? Can you feel compersion for strangers? Is it compersion if none of the people are your partner? I don't know if it's the right word but I know it feels good and not scary. But that's me talking good game without having done it [edit: polyamorous relationship] in real life.

I wonder if real world polyamory would fall short of my happy happy fantasy. I know polyam people can feel jealousy in real life. I know they can feel threatened and insecure. They see those feelings differently, they approach those feelings differently than monogamous people. I fear hurting someone emotionally. I fear leaving emotional scars. I don't think trying polyamory would destroy my marriage but if it ended up being hurtful, it could certainly be a challenge to heal from such hurt. I know my partner definitely has such concerns, and much more so than I do. (That does not make him wrong or insecure or whatever. PLEASE no bashing my partner, he is my rock, my oasis in the desert.)

So all that is to say, am I polyam? Could I possibly know that if I'm in a monogamous relationship? Is polyam a mental wiring, an orientation, rather than a lifestyle? Can someone think they're monogamous most of their life and then turn out to be polyam?

I want to know myself. I don't expect my partner to stop being monogamous. I won't push his boundaries. If he changes his mind later, he changes it, if he doesn't, then he doesn't. I love and want him regardless. I'm staying with him regardless. I just want to know who I am.

You might think, does it matter what you are if you're going to stay in a monogamous relationship? Do you even need a label? How are we supposed to know what you are if you don't? We don't know you. Ok, that's fair. However, I do know I can't not think about it, I can't not ask. I do know I *always* feel better when I find others like me, learn more about others like me, feel accepted, feel I'm not flawed and wrong.

Thank you, thank you so much, to anyone reading, and especially to anyone with a thoughtful reply.

 

[Britva415]

I don't like calling anything "a lifestyle," though I don't think it's a sexual orientation either.

I personally don't think anyone can credibly say they're polyam if they don't or haven't exercised polyam behaviors. I think it's different from sexual orientation.

I think that it's just having different boundaries than most people and a different attitude toward what "fidelity" means, and this leads to different behaviors than most people would do.

Sure, someone can spend a long time adhering to monogamous conditioning before breaking out of it and choosing other relationship models. Others can stay monogamous forever but experience a drive to be with other people. I think experiencing that drive is the human condition - some people find ways to make it work, and others stay conventional. These are choices, not mental wiring, in my opinion.

On the other hand, while some do, I don't object to polyams being welcomed into the alphabet soup of LGBTQIA+ and GSRM. They fit in the "Q" and in the "+" and in the "M", and the entire umbrella serves to provide recognition and respite to people who would be judged and discriminated against by bigoted squares.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

I don't like calling anything "a lifestyle," though I don't think it's a sexual orientation either.

I personally don't think anyone can credibly say they're polyam if they don't or haven't exercised polyam behaviors. I think it's different from sexual orientation.

I think that it's just having different boundaries than most people and a different attitude toward what "fidelity" means, and this leads to different behaviors than most people would do.

Sure, someone can spend a long time adhering to monogamous conditioning before breaking out of it and choosing other relationship models. Others can stay monogamous forever but experience a drive to be with other people. I think experiencing that drive is the human condition - some people find ways to make it work, and others stay conventional. These are choices, not mental wiring, in my opinion.

On the other hand, while some do, I don't object to polyams being welcomed into the alphabet soup of LGBTQIA+ and GSRM. They fit in the "Q" and in the "+" and in the "M", and the entire umbrella serves to provide recognition and respite to people who would be judged and discriminated against by bigoted squares.

Thank you Britva415 for sharing your perspective and taking the time to write. As someone who is very sensitive to word usage, I understand your reaction to “lifesryle”. In retrospect, I know that word was used to bash gay people. I like how you say boundaries, behaviors, choices instead. With that definition, I certainly wouldn’t be polyam. If I ever converse with someone who shares this view, I’ll see how “polyam curious” or “open to polyam” come across. I am so grateful for your big umbrella. GSRM is a new acronym to me. I’m off to Wikipedia!

 

[AlexBailey]

I was poly many years ago in my twenties, a unicorn for an older married couple. I liked the family feeling we shared, the cuddling and sexual exploration was fantastic.

I’d love to be part of a kinky family again.

 

[Noor]

You like being in relationships with more than person at a time and your caliber of loving more than one.
It’s not about being bisexual or pan sexual it’s about relationships.

 

[magic_rat]

Polyamory is complex, or can be.

I know, maybe 10 or 15 poly people and each relationship is different. Some don't last. Some have been successful for years.

it starts with the acknowledgement that it's perfectly possible to love more than one person without diminishing anyone else in the relationship. It requires (as all relationships do) complete honesty and trust.

I started out in an ENM relationship; we're swingers. We encountered a lot of poly people but while I was conceptually open to the idea of opening the relationship up, my partner suffers from insecurity and was not.

However a year later, we got closer to a female friend, the relationship became sexual and we started spending a lot more time together, and we suddenly realised our connection was at last as much emotional as it was sexual. We've only recently acknowledged that we're a thruple. (No, she's not a 'unicorn'. I hate that term, it's demeaning).

I have no idea where the relationship will go. I'm loving it though.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Polyamory is complex, or can be.

I know, maybe 10 or 15 poly people and each relationship is different. Some don't last. Some have been successful for years.

it starts with the acknowledgement that it's perfectly possible to love more than one person without diminishing anyone else in the relationship. It requires (as all relationships do) complete honesty and trust.

I started out in an ENM relationship; we're swingers. We encountered a lot of poly people but while I was conceptually open to the idea of opening the relationship up, my partner suffers from insecurity and was not.

However a year later, we got closer to a female friend, the relationship became sexual and we started spending a lot more time together, and we suddenly realised our connection was at last as much emotional as it was sexual. We've only recently acknowledged that we're a thruple. (No, she's not a 'unicorn'. I hate that term, it's demeaning).

I have no idea where the relationship will go. I'm loving it though.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Happy for you and both of your partners! I really appreciate what you wrote about emotion, connection, and not diminishing one person by caring for another. I’m with you on ‘unicorn’. She’s a person, not a fetish or sex toy.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

You like being in relationships with more than person at a time and your caliber of loving more than one.
It’s not about being bisexual or pan sexual it’s about relationships.

Thank you Noor, I appreciate your reply. Definitely about relationships, not simply feeling attraction.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

I was poly many years ago in my twenties, a unicorn for an older married couple. I liked the family feeling we shared, the cuddling and sexual exploration was fantastic.

I’d love to be part of a kinky family again.

Thank you AlexBailey for sharing your experience. The cuddling sounds delightful. It’s so beautiful to me that you were family to each other. That’s the appeal of polycules to me. And oof, kinky sex with multiple people, won’t lie, that appeals too.

 

[magic_rat]

I really appreciate what you wrote about emotion, connection, and not diminishing one person by caring for another.

I think this is paramount. Every relationship is different but respect for all parties is important.

For us, my partner is my primary relationship. Our girlfriend has been solo poly for some time. She enjoys relationships within boundaries and doesn't want a full-time partner. On a social level we dine out together, go to gigs together and spend most weekends together but she gets to maintain her personal space and independence while my partner and I do the domestic thing.

On an emotional level we're all extremely close.

Sexually we get to visit sex clubs etc as a thruple (yes, makes me took very good!) and at home, we can play as a three, my partner and our girlfriend sometimes go away together for a weekend, and when my partner isn't around myself and girlfriend play. We each get 3 totally different experiences depending on whether there's 2 or 3 of us.

Extending from that, my partner and I are close with (but not poly with) another poly couple; that relationship[ is partly social, mainly sexual, and again they offer us both something that isn't available within the confines of our primary relationship; the male partner is bi, as am I; both female partners find seeing guys play together extremely erotic. The male partner is also very well endowed, which pleases my partner! The female partner enjoys primal play (biting, scratching, animalistic sex) which neither of our partners like.

On a purely sexual level we also swing, and will often play with others.

Life for us is exceptionally good. I could never go back to a vanilla mono relationship again.

There's so much more I could add but I could drone on for hours. Happy to add here or by DM if required.

 

[magic_rat]

And oof, kinky sex with multiple people, won’t lie, that appeals too.

Oh yes. That has immense appeal.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

I think this is paramount. Every relationship is different but respect for all parties is important.

For us, my partner is my primary relationship. Our girlfriend has been solo poly for some time. She enjoys relationships within boundaries and doesn't want a full-time partner. On a social level we dine out together, go to gigs together and spend most weekends together but she gets to maintain her personal space and independence while my partner and I do the domestic thing.

On an emotional level we're all extremely close.

Sexually we get to visit sex clubs etc as a thruple (yes, makes me took very good!) and at home, we can play as a three, my partner and our girlfriend sometimes go away together for a weekend, and when my partner isn't around myself and girlfriend play. We each get 3 totally different experiences depending on whether there's 2 or 3 of us.

Extending from that, my partner and I are close with (but not poly with) another poly couple; that relationship[ is partly social, mainly sexual, and again they offer us both something that isn't available within the confines of our primary relationship; the male partner is bi, as am I; both female partners find seeing guys play together extremely erotic. The male partner is also very well endowed, which pleases my partner! The female partner enjoys primal play (biting, scratching, animalistic sex) which neither of our partners like.

On a purely sexual level we also swing, and will often play with others.

Life for us is exceptionally good. I could never go back to a vanilla mono relationship again.

There's so much more I could add but I could drone on for hours. Happy to add here or by DM if required.

Thank you, magic_rat, for all you’ve shared. It sounds lovely to me, all of it. The idea of two men dear to me making out… it’s nice.

If I may ask, do you have advice for when jealousy, insecurity, fear of being replaced, etc. come up? I imagine already having strong bonds and good communication helps? Being attentive and reassuring to the hurting person? Does seeing sex with a spouse/primary/nesting partner as different from sex with a friend help with jealousy?

If I might ask another thing, would you recommend the book Opening Up if you’ve read it? (I won’t push my husband into anything, ever. He knows my interests. If he comes to share them, I’d like to minimize hurt feelings and emotional pain. Not go in blind, as it were. And if he doesn’t, I still love to read.)

Thank you again. I really appreciate *finally* being able to ask such stuff after years of fearing to. (Forever grateful to hubby for making it possible to talk and not just shutting me down even though it’s not something he wants.)

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Sexually we get to visit sex clubs etc as a thruple (yes, makes me look very good!)

Oh I bet it does!

Your description of your solo poly friend’s relationship desires and boundaries really helps. I couldn’t grasp what solo poly was other than casual sex with many people. (Not shaming, that’s just not my thing) You’ve shown me it can be much deeper than that. That’s balm to my demisexual heart.

You’ve also said what I’ve heard from other poly folks. No two people will match perfectly in every way so it is nice to have friends for activities your main partner may be uninterested in (whether football or flogging). That really appeals to me and not just for my own kinky self. I would be glad if hubby enjoyed some things he likes with a friend who was more into them than I am. For me, it would not change what we are to each other at this point in our lives.

Well that turned into a wall of text. I try to ask two short things and this is usually how that turns out! Thank you for your patience.

 

[magic_rat]

Thank you, magic_rat, for all you’ve shared. It sounds lovely to me, all of it. The idea of two men dear to me making out… it’s nice.

It’s hot.

If I may ask, do you have advice for when jealousy, insecurity, fear of being replaced, etc. come up? I imagine already having strong bonds and good communication helps? Being attentive and reassuring to the hurting person? Does seeing sex with a spouse/primary/nesting partner as different from sex with a friend help with jealousy?

For us, it hasn’t happened. When I first met my partner I was seeing another swing partner at the same time. That led to various jealousy issues (not with my partner).

Your relationship has to be strong to start with. Honesty is always key.

Because we’d come together via swinging there was no issue about the sexual side of things. I’m not sure if I see sex with either differently, but it is different; both ladies are highly sexed, but I think both get something different from it and both give me something different. I think maybe that’s why there is no jealousy; they complement each other.

If I might ask another thing, would you recommend the book Opening Up if you’ve read it? (I won’t push my husband into anything, ever. He knows my interests. If he comes to share them, I’d like to minimize hurt feelings and emotional pain. Not go in blind, as it were. And if he doesn’t, I still love to read.)

Not read it; poly for us wasn’t planned or looked for, it just sneaked up on us!

Thank you again. I really appreciate *finally* being able to ask such stuff after years of fearing to. (Forever grateful to hubby for making it possible to talk and not just shutting me down even though it’s not something he wants.)

Your hubby is a hero for talking about it but you’re at a potentially difficult stage.

What if he doesn’t want you to go poly?

What if he does, then gets pissed off because nobody wants him?

There’s numerous facebook groups dedicated to poly lifestyles. They’re worth looking at because 75% of the posts are by people where things are going wrong.

There’s a lot of “I wanna be poly but my spouse don’t!” And 90% of responses are “fuck your spouse, nobody can tell you what to do!”.

Don’t be those guys. Talk everything through. Do nothing without agreement. Set boundaries.

Have you got a poly partner in mind yet? If not, this all may never happen anyway. And if it does, it happens best (as it did for us) when it happens organically. And have you decided what you’ll do if your husband says no, it’s not happening?

 

[Deadfreak]

I feel Poly but have no problem being monogamous if asked

 

[AchtungNight]

You can absolutely feel compersion for strangers. I feel it for my friends and relatives in stable relationships. My favorite celebrities also. Good luck with your future- I’d suggest talking with your paramour (special word for romantic slash sexual partner) about where you want the relationship to go.

 

[magic_rat]

I’d suggest talking with your paramour (special word for romantic slash sexual partner) about where you want the relationship to go.

Obviously.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

I feel Poly but have no problem being monogamous if asked

Thank you Deadfreak. That means I'm not the only person who feels this way but is or can be monogamous and that's good to know!

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

You can absolutely feel compersion for strangers. I feel it for my friends and relatives in stable relationships. My favorite celebrities also. Good luck with your future- I’d suggest talking with your paramour (special word for romantic slash sexual partner) about where you want the relationship to go.

Thank you AchtungNight, I'm so glad you wrote about compersion!

I have and am talking with him. He was quite surprised that I would be happy if he had a friend, not just me, to share sexual intimacy with. (That would not have been the case several years ago. My views changed.) I don't know if he was expecting me to say I want to bang hot guys while he sits at home or what? I want us both to be able to play with close friends of ours if we and they are all enthusiastic about that. He knows what I am open to, with specifics and details about relationship structure and boundaries, and I know his very clear boundaries. It's so good being able to talk to him, regardless of whether anything changes.

 

[secretthing]

I've yet to explore polyamory, but I definitely feel like it would be right for me. I've always felt rather uncomfortable in relationships, and when I sat down and thought about why that might be, one of the things I realized (among other things) was that there is a lot of pressure being someone else's "only one." Like, just how some nights I wouldn't feel up for sex, some nights I wouldn't feel up for being in a relationship and what that entails.

At least in theory, I feel like having a third person in a relationship would take some of that pressure off, y'know? Obviously it would not be easier than being monogamous, I'm not naive to that fact. Just the idea of having two people instead of just one sounds very comfy to me.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

I've yet to explore polyamory, but I definitely feel like it would be right for me. I've always felt rather uncomfortable in relationships, and when I sat down and thought about why that might be, one of the things I realized (among other things) was that there is a lot of pressure being someone else's "only one." Like, just how some nights I wouldn't feel up for sex, some nights I wouldn't feel up for being in a relationship and what that entails.

At least in theory, I feel like having a third person in a relationship would take some of that pressure off, y'know? Obviously it would not be easier than being monogamous, I'm not naive to that fact. Just the idea of having two people instead of just one sounds very comfy to me.

Thank you for your candid reply! I definitely feel the same about finding comfort in more than one person, and not having to be all the things all the time. Totally agree that a throuple or triad wouldn't be any easier but we both definitely see the appeal. For me, it would have had to start at the beginning of a relationship, else the third person might always feel like they're late to the party. I'm glad younger people are more free to try that option now.

 

[magic_rat]

My personal experience is that being in a throuple is way, way easier than being a couple, but every person’s dynamic is different.

 

[Somethingnew1124]

I have some to share. PM me.. I don’t know if it would help, but I have been in your shoes.

 

[magic_rat]

I have some to share. PM me.. I don’t know if it would help, but I have been in your shoes.

Why not share here, then everyone benefits from your experience. Don't fish for PMs.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

For me, it would have had to start at the beginning of a relationship, else the third person might always feel like they're late to the party. I'm glad younger people are more free to try that option now.

This and your original post show you to be a very empathetic person. I don’t have much to add and it seems you’re getting excellent advice from magic and others. I’ve only ever been on the periphery of this arrangement and it was a long time ago, it was the first time I heard the term polyamorous and had to look it up. What I observed then is the same now, in that there are many different takes on what this really means and how it’s practiced. The only thing I’ll add for your consideration is based on the love and concern you have for your husband is that when discussing and sharing, you might want to be mindful and go out of your way to create a safe space for him to disagree and share his fears, trust me they’re there.

The situation I found myself on the periphery of eventually collapsed, and the woman, who was my friend and connection, was very surprised to find out later how uncomfortable her main partner was and how much he disliked the arrangement and as a result started to withdraw from her. It was not surprising to me however, in fact it was obvious how he felt in just the simple conversations we had. Good luck.