How do I know if he is still cheating? Or how do I keep him from going back?

[Essie1]

.....

 

[amofiga]

I have walked in your shoes. For me it wasn't so much whatever fantasy he wants as it is the sneaking and lies. Am I hurt, yes ... do I have a part in it, yes. I know that I am only able to be who I am and there are probably some lines I won't cross that he is interested in. For me, the hiding - secrets - lies break a trust bond. And if I don't trust you, then I shut down and shut you out. When I shut him out, he turns more to online activities. A vicious cycle.

We are a work in progress. When the hairs on my neck start to tingle I know he is hiding things from me. I throw up the "bat signal" and we have a conversation. Since we do love each other he has to know what hurts me and causes me to shut him out and he has to love me enough to stop. It doesn't always work and isn't always perfect. But as I showed him this morning the benefits of a relaxed horny wife outweigh any hand job he could ever give himself .

It is a rough situation and I've only seen it from my side of the equation. However, I tend to think that if more wives (and I husbands too) would be willing to "relax" about certain things and try to enjoy participating in the sort of things that drive the other to seek understanding and acceptance elsewhere, then there would be more solid foundations built under marriages.

Whether or true or not, there have been situations discussed here of solid marriages that include cuckolding, threesomes, open marriages, swinging, water sports, B&D, cross dressing, etc. Now, if one or the other partner is not comfortable with what the other finds exciting or erotic, it's unfortunate that it was not discovered prior to the marriage commitment. However, if one or the other of the partners can still allow "online" or even real life exercising of such fantasies with the understanding that it not end what might be an otherwise good union of good people, then that sort of thing should be considered.

Unfortunately, many people equate "fidelity" and a "good marriage" with sexual exclusivity. Their definition of "normal sex" is limited. That need not be the case. There have been good marriages that include open sexual activity between partners. Again however, if one is completely uncomfortable with this and cannot tolerate it, then they may have to live with suspicion, doubt, and uncertainty. In those cases, it might be best to end the marriage and both partners can seek what they need to make them happy.

 

[7wife12]

Thank you all, I appreciate your input and advice. It is a double edge sword , due to the fact that if I do not find a way to get answers and decide to sweep it under the rug and work to rebuild, he can easily betray me. I am far less concerned with online sexual foolery than I am with an intimate emotional connection. I am not convinced one can have a two year relationship (online) and not have some kind of intimate bond.

You have all given me much to consider, and I will think long and hard before I resort to a keylogger. If he has betrayed me in an emotional way I do not know that I can overcome the pain of that.

 

[amofiga]

It IS possible to have a two year online relationship and a "real life" relationship that does not include a bond that would necessarily threaten your marriage IF both of them can keep control of their emotions and know the boundaries. It is possible to have a friends with benefits sexual relationship and still love one's spouse and not want to destroy the marriage. However, it takes both people keeping things in perspective. Just because two people "like" each other and have fun teasing and sharing some flirtation, it does not mean that they are ready to run off together into the sunset.

Still, I know that you are hurting and the sad thing is that he doesn't seem to understand the hurt. I think the thing that straightened me out more than any threats from my lady friend or BS from the counselor was knowing that I had hurt someone that I would never want to hurt. If he can't see that, then, much as I hate to say it, he may not really love you. No matter what else, I think love means not wanting to knowingly hurt someone. If he can't understand that, then it may be over.

 

[Cowgirl88]

The second you feel you have to be an investigator... That relationship is over. There's no trust. I had the same issue with my boyfriend of 8 years and we have a son together. I just finally had to say that enough was enough and I don't want our son to think for 10 seconds it's appropriate to treat his future partners that way. I figured I needed to set the example.

 

[Cathleen]

How many days in the last three years have you NOT had a thought about this? I figure there haven't been many. If you're not ready to deal with the consequences of having proof in your hand, then you're right that you have a lot of thinking to do.

How many future days are you willing to give up to more wondering...?

 

[Ariala]

I agree with using iKeyMonitor to monitor his phone calls and sms too, it can help you to get hard evidence, maybe it can also give the guide to decide whether you will go on the relationship.

 

[NotHisLady]

As a person who was cheated on in real life--had a husband who slept around with flesh and blood women--I can understand how it's difficult to hand your trust back to someone who has abused it.
In answer to your question "How do I know if he's still cheating?" the short simple answer is that you can't.
You can only make a decision inside yourself that you will risk trusting again or you will not. If the relationship is worth it to you, if you truly believe that it can be saved then you may choose to take that risk but if you do you have to do it honestly.
If you're wrong and he fails you then you will be hurt but you will have tried with an honest heart.
Trying to catch him out sneaking and lying by sneaking and lying won't work.
You may or may not find what you think you're looking for but in the end one of you will absolutely be guilty.
Whether you stay or go do it with clean hands. That is the only gift you can give yourself right now, it's the thing he can't take from you unless you give it up.

 

[amofiga]

He is definitely cheating on you. I didn't take the time to read anything you wrote. I'm guessing you are 20-50 pounds overweight with an extreme case of low self esteem. Do yourself a favor, and get a divorce and a gym membership. Cheaters always cheat.

Even as I guy, I can say this is an unfair statement about the "20-50 pounds" overweight. As a guy who has indeed cheated and now doesn't, I can say that cheating for me had nothing to do with physical attractiveness or even sexual acts. I cheated with women that were sometimes significantly less physically attractive than my wife and with some that weren't any better than she was in bed.

So why did I cheat? I said it earlier. It was almost all about her attitude and how she treated my feelings about sexual activities "outside the lines". Had she even shown some of the enthusiasm and interest in at least discussing and considering things that were outside the confines of marriage like group sex or threesomes or semi-public sex, etc, and not made me feel like a pervert for even discussing it, I probably would not have been as fascinated as I was with women who shared some of my outlook, did not treat me like a freak for considering it, and even participating in some of it. She didn't even want to discuss fantasies that were too far outside the range that she considered "acceptable behavior." Threesomes, swinging, group sex, blowjobs in the car, fucking out on the hotel balcony....not acceptable, even to discuss intellectually and objectively or even watch films about or read about.

I would suggest that rather than simply looking in the mirror at a possible 20 pounds or extra weight, look in to the attitudes you have, your husband has, and how do you treat him about it. Do you accept his attitudes that may not be the same as yours with interest and non-judgmental consideration, or do you berate him and make him feel like a fool or slime? My affairs tended to be with women whose husbands berated them for their off-the-wall fantasies and thoughts. Their husbands made them feel cheap and dirty for even having "dirty slutty fantasies." Nobody likes to feel that person they love considers them to be dirt., or sick, or perverted.

My main rule for keeping the sexual lines of communication open and having a trusting relationship is NEVER laugh at your partners sexual fantasies or desires or make them feel foolish or dirty or wrong about them no matter how much you yourself my not necessarily understand them. Listen objectively. Even if you don't agree, at the very least, be objective and sensitive in your response.

 

[NotHisLady]

He is definitely cheating on you. I didn't take the time to read anything you wrote. I'm guessing you are 20-50 pounds overweight with an extreme case of low self esteem. Do yourself a favor, and get a divorce and a gym membership. Cheaters always cheat.

I didn't take time to read anything else you wrote. (sarcasm)
You're an ass.
Dismissed.

... snip
My main rule for keeping the sexual lines of communication open and having a trusting relationship is NEVER laugh at your partners sexual fantasies or desires or make them feel foolish or dirty or wrong about them no matter how much you yourself my not necessarily understand them. Listen objectively. Even if you don't agree, at the very least, be objective and sensitive in your response.

THIS

Keep in mind, even though I don't think it applies here, that this cuts both ways. A man my seek what he does not have if he finds that asking for it is profoundly unwelcome. It is also true--and dreadfully unfair--that a man may seek the comfort and safety of simple, uncomplicated sex if he is being asked for things he cannot understand or handle.
The first is a thing that a loving partner can attempt to remedy by learning not to judge his desires based on your own.
The second slowly becomes a choice between being open about your desires that push your man away or suppressing them which is unhealthy for you.

 

[UnknownAuthor]

I had an emotional affair

I've never shared this with anyone and I have never posted on this board before so forgive me. However, I had an emotional affair with a woman that was about six months long and almost resulted in me leaving my wife who I love deeply.

So my story begins with my childhood. My brother and I were mentally abused by my father and step-mother after my father basically stole us from our mother. I say "stolen" because the last time I saw my mother was when I was 1 and my brother 2 years old. We never even new our step-mother was our step-mother until I was around 14 and my life fell apart. My brother ran away and I didn't see him until I was 18. More-so, after my father stole us, my brother went to foster car shortly after so when he returned when I was in 2nd grade I had completely forgotten I had a brother.

So long story short, I have always have had this need for emotional love that deemed negated the love I never had growing up. I'm 43 now and am still traumatized by my childhood and often confused about what love is.

When this emotional affair started my wife and I were having a rough patch, which we had been through before a few times, but had always talked through them. This girl was someone I knew a long time ago and had a strong friendship with. Well, she happened to find me on facebook at a very vulnerable time and I completely fell for it.

My wife is not very traditional especially when it comes to holidays. She's very thrifty so decorations are minimal, presents are minimal, she won't let me have a dog, sex was vanilla, etc... None of these are bad things, I knew what I was getting - but this girl hit my nerve on all of these topics that I felt were important to me and important to sharing with my kids.

Due to my troubled childhood, I have difficulty sharing through conversation my troubles, my daily life, etc. I feel that whatever I have to say isn't important and know one wants to hear what I have to say. My parents were the "Hands on your knee's look straight a head and don't talk" type of parents. Kids should not be heard. So it has affected my whole life - every aspect of it. So I was never able to talk to my wife about these things as it had been imprinted in my head that what I had to say didn't matter. Plus my wife being a strong willed Italian didn't make it any easier.

This affair ended when my wife eventually found out and I was literally a week from going to see her as she lived across the country. Once my wife found out I had no choice but to tell her I was considering divorce because all of the things I thought was important to me wasn't important to her.

From that point we had many heated discussions and I had no choice but to really share what was in my head. We worked through it and are still working through it. I know the trust is hard to rebuild. But she listened to my needs and we compromised on many things.

I did immediately end my emotional relationship on that day. I gave my wife the girls phone number and let her have at her. I even went to my corporate security and had every email addy she ever used blocked at the corporate level so she had no chance of contacting me. I deleted my FB profile and removed myself from social media altogether.

The only time I think about the affair is when its brought up by my wife. I sincerely have no desire to have any contact with her and will definitely never put myself in a situation where it could happen again. I deserve everything I went through and I deserve having to prove my loyalty every day. My wife has all my passwords to anything I need to log into and I give it freely. Its part of rebuilding.

Mostly men cheat for sex imho, but some of us just need to feel loved 24/7 for some reason, in my case the lack of during my developmental years. Now my wife knows how to show me the love that I longed for and all I had to do was tell her.

---

My suggestion would be to ask your husband for access to everything in his life, email, social media accounts, phone calls, texts, everything. One thing I do for my wife is if I'm out somewhere and she has that feeling something isn't right, she texts me to take a picture in a specific location of where ever I said I was going holding up a certain number of fingers. I have 1 minute to take the picture and text it to her. Some might think that is extreme, but if you really love your partner you will do whatever it takes to keep them and rebuild your relationship.

I hope that wasn't to rambling on...

Don

 

[All_4_Love]

How many days in the last three years have you NOT had a thought about this? I figure there haven't been many. If you're not ready to deal with the consequences of having proof in your hand, then you're right that you have a lot of thinking to do.

How many future days are you willing to give up to more wondering...?

Agree..

More than likely, you already know the answers that you seek. You are giving away a lot of time that you could be healing and moving forward. There's a tremendous amount of emotional and mental freedom in being able to trust. If it has gotten to the point of spying on your partner, you and he are both imprisoned.

 

[Primalex]

I am far less concerned with online sexual foolery than I am with an intimate emotional connection. I am not convinced one can have a two year relationship (online) and not have some kind of intimate bond.

So what? There is no limit on intimate bonds, otherwise people would have to kill their parents prior marriage.

See, the future is a very fickle thing. Maybe he is totally honest but drops dead tomorrow due to a heart attack. Maybe he is a liar and leaves you tomorrow for another woman.

But neither future invalidates whether you've had a happy relationship in the past or not and neither future means you've "wasted your life". If you are not happy right now, then merely because you've changed your point of view and try to pursue and verify a position you are not entitled to have.

Being a wife means holding a special and unique position. It does not mean holding every position. I have no idea what my wife and her best friend talk about, but that's okay, I'm not her best friend. I'm her husband. Not more - not less. And she has no clue what I talk with co-workers about all day and I'm sure there is a lot of conversation going on between men she would totally not approve. But she is my wife, not more - not less.

Right now I get the impression that you prefer to be butthurt, instead of doing a realistic assessment of your relationship.

 

[Primalex]

I will add another recommendation.


When a single guy comes up here and whines that he desperately tries to get a girlfriend and even goes clubbing to find one, although he hates that then the first thing people will tell him is:
"Stop being desperate and stop doing stuff you hate".

Because being content with yourself and doing stuff you like is ten times more important in finding a girlfriend than the right brand of shower gel.


And...what is true in establishing a relationship holds true for maintaining it. Stop the desperate tries to fix him, to catch him or to figure out how to change so it's not going to happen again. Focus on being content the way you are and doing stuff that makes you happy.

 

[amofiga]

So what? There is no limit on intimate bonds, otherwise people would have to kill their parents prior marriage.

See, the future is a very fickle thing. Maybe he is totally honest but drops dead tomorrow due to a heart attack. Maybe he is a liar and leaves you tomorrow for another woman.

But neither future invalidates whether you've had a happy relationship in the past or not and neither future means you've "wasted your life". If you are not happy right now, then merely because you've changed your point of view and try to pursue and verify a position you are not entitled to have.

Being a wife means holding a special and unique position. It does not mean holding every position. I have no idea what my wife and her best friend talk about, but that's okay, I'm not her best friend. I'm her husband. Not more - not less. And she has no clue what I talk with co-workers about all day and I'm sure there is a lot of conversation going on between men she would totally not approve. But she is my wife, not more - not less.

Right now I get the impression that you prefer to be butthurt, instead of doing a realistic assessment of your relationship.

You do make some very good points. Love, not just possessive insecure love, is not an exclusive emotion reserved for only one person. Like you say, if that were true, we'd have to kill our parents if we got married. Likewise, we'd have to weed out the children that we "love less" than the others and only keep the one that we "love". Some say that "love" is an endless river.

I once heard a relatively famous personality say that "fidelity in marriage does not necessily require sexual exclusivity." By that he was saying, as you do, that a wife or husband has a special relationship with their spouse that goes beyond certain bounds and that it could well be possible to have either sexual relationships or "pseudo sexual" relationships (online "affairs") and still hold that spouse in the supreme position in your life.

I suppose many would not agree and could not understand that because they've been raised to subscribe to the 'One and Only Marriage Partner Till Death Do You Part" concept. The fact is that we are capable of "loving" many people in many different ways and to various degrees. A friend of mine described to me her "One Two Three" concept of marriage. One partner as a best friend, One as an emotional love, and another for great hot sex. God bless those that find all three in one person. Unfortunately, I tend to think that those relationships constitute only about 20% of the total.

 

[NightL]

I am trying to get my head around the theme of this thread. Is a reliance on a buddy for emotional bonding OK? How many people have conversations with any number of people that may ruffle matters if their partners knew the intensity of the subject or even if it is just a returned flirtatious smile? When does an online emotional relationship become different than a passion for golf or a book club, particularly if a partner has zero interest in, or complete dislike of golf or book clubs?

So “I want to stick my tongue in your ear” via the internet is a big bad NO but if “I would really like to stick my tongue in my partner’s ear, but they hate it” is spoken to a buddy in person and they reply with “Yeah I really like that, it makes me so hot” turns into a regular conversation about desires is OK? What if the buddy is the same gender as the partner?

My assumption is that most people who, while in a relationship, spark up an online friendship that may eventuate into divulging sexual or indeed emotional desires figure that it is not in the same category as actually going out and fucking someone. So technology has added interaction to the glossy magazine of yesterday. So what the hell is an online emotional relationship and when or how does it constitute an affair? When or what is the tipping point for a partner to feel cheated upon? When does “Honey, I am concerned about the amount of time you are spending on the internet. I’m feeling a little neglected, can we talk about this please” become “You are cheating on me, my life is ruined. I can never trust you again!”.

Is it just about deception? The bedside book is now an iPad – a story with interactions. The person who sneaks away to do it in private is a naughty naughty cheater, yet the person who does it while laying next to their real life partner in bed is…. ?

To the UnknownAuthor. You talked of compromises – so has your sex life improved? Are there holiday decorations? Did you get the dog? What about the dog!!!?

 

[pplwatching]

When does an online emotional relationship become different than a passion for golf or a book club, particularly if a partner has zero interest in, or complete dislike of golf or book clubs?

One litmus test would be to evaluate whether an extramarital interest strengthens the relationship or weakens it. Mastering a sport or learning something new is personal growth, which is one goal of marriage. If my (hypothetical) love of golf gets me exercise, reinvigorates me, and helps me return to my wife a better and more focused husband, friend, and lover then I would argue that it strengthens our marriage. If I golf at the expense of my marriage, either because I do it to avoid my wife or spending money that we can't afford, then it could be argued that it weakens the marriage. The same could be said about any hobby or recreation from having a beer to volunteering.

By this litmus test online affairs, and certainly extramarital sex, are questionable because they create opportunities to weaken our primary relationship. Not all opposite sex friendships are bad, but there are certain behaviors that can increase the risk of a friendship becoming potentially harmful to the marriage Sharing intimate personal details like pet peeves about our spouse or our sexual tastes increase the risk of creating an emotional connection that would not be in the best interests of the marriage.

I suppose many would not agree and could not understand that because they've been raised to subscribe to the 'One and Only Marriage Partner Till Death Do You Part" concept.

People choose monogamy for a lot of reasons. In my experience it's rarely because they've been raised to think that way. Many of us choose monogamy because we feel that it is the best way to have a deeply intimate and rewarding relationship with another person. There are probably as many reasons as there are people who choose this life style. When we choose to form a life long relationship with someone who subscribes to this line of thinking, we accept that this will be a hard boundary.

The fact is that we are capable of "loving" many people in many different ways and to various degrees. A friend of mine described to me her "One Two Three" concept of marriage. One partner as a best friend, One as an emotional love, and another for great hot sex. God bless those that find all three in one person. Unfortunately, I tend to think that those relationships constitute only about 20% of the total.

The question in the context of this discussion is "Can any one of these relationships survive the existence of the other two?" When the relationship with the best friend needs work, will it be easier to focus on the hot sex than to do what must be done to repair and rebuild the friendship? If the romantic love cools, what does it have to offer to compete with the other two? When the hot sex becomes mundane and routine, what value does the lover have?

It's not that we can't fill all three roles if we chose to, or that our spouse can't be all three to us. In my experience we need to strive to be all three, and most importantly accept that our spouse is a unique and changing blend of the three. The beauty of a deeply personal relationship with another person is that we can choose a partner who will grow with us to become all 3 in time.

Unfortunately many people get married and eventually abdicate their role as friend and lover. Cracks in the relationship often appear when one or both spouses stops making an effort to work on maintaining a healthy and vibrant marriage. Sometimes it's just easier to build new relationships to meet our needs than to work with our spouse. Those are the times that we need to renew our commitment to our spouse.

With respect to your earlier comment about one spouse belittling the other's sexual tastes, that should never be a part of a healthy marriage. Our tastes will be unique and different. If we are to accept our spouse then we have to accept their tastes and desires. Each of us has an obligation to seek to understand each other. That is quite different from accepting behavior that is contrary to our personal life style choices and the commitments that we've made.

Just my $.02. I am well aware that many people disagree with my view of marriage.

 

[MichaelinChina]

Recommended reading: he's just not that into you
...by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

 

[UnknownAuthor]

To the UnknownAuthor. You talked of compromises – so has your sex life improved? Are there holiday decorations? Did you get the dog? What about the dog!!!?

Our sex life is better than ever. However what has been the biggest improvement is that is the amount of love that sparks between us. It's kind of weirdly awesome. Everyday feels like that first few weeks your dating and how you can wait to see them again, except I get to wake up to her everyday for the rest of my life.

Over the past few days I really opened up to her as I haven't told her much of my life as most of it I purposely forgot and the rest I was trying to forget. Those things I was trying to forget have become such hazy memories it has been really difficult to remember things like how old I was, what grade was I in, was I running track or playing football, etc.

Anyways, our love life has been exceptionally awesome for the past 5 years now but we are still healing from the whole ordeal and discuss it not so often anymore. It's something you want to forget, but you mustn't in order to think things through in order to not put yourself in a situation like that again. I am definitely more mindful of my activities when I travel. I 98% of the time just have dinner with whoever I'm traveling with and go back to my room. If it was a big accomplishment I may hit the bar with them to celebrate but limit my alcohol to 2 drinks. I don't do it because I'm whipped, I do it because I respect my wife more than ever now.

Holidays are better, but we did compromise and agree not to go overboard so we set monetary limits just because we are very budget conscience.

Didn't get a dog but that wasn't a deal breaker for me. I value my wife's partnership over an animals any day. My friends have some dogs so I get my dog fix in with them.

 

[NotHisLady]

The question in the context of this discussion is "Can any one of these relationships survive the existence of the other two?" When the relationship with the best friend needs work, will it be easier to focus on the hot sex than to do what must be done to repair and rebuild the friendship? If the romantic love cools, what does it have to offer to compete with the other two? When the hot sex becomes mundane and routine, what value does the lover have?

I believe the question posed by the OP was how to determine if her husband had stopped "cheating" and how to keep him from doing so.

Whether her definition of cheating is a valid one or not is immaterial.
The fact remains that she lives daily with jealousy and mistrust.
IMO she does not, however, have a 'cheating husband' problem. What she has is a trust problem.
She can either find a way to deal with her lack of trust or she can let it poison her relationship, that is the only thing she has any control over. Suggesting ways to spy on her spouse only enables and reinforces the problem. It feeds the illness rather than cures it.
If you look hard enough something is going to look questionable and that will make her the distrust deepen. If, by some chance she manages to find nothing at all she will be convinced that he has hidden his activities from her which will gnaw at her. (If you wonder how I know this it's because I traveled that road and know that it only leads to personal destruction. The fact that my relationship suffered was only collateral damage. The harm I did to myself was far worse and much more difficult to heal.)
The word 'unfaithful' is rather ironic since one person's actions cause the other to lose faith in both their partner and their self.

 

[subwannabe]

Well, either you are right or you are crazy. I suspect that if you try hard and find no evidence of anything that you will still be stressing out over it all, never fully convinced. Is that the way you want to live the rest of your life? You're a basket case now.

 

[SweetErika]

Didn't get a dog but that wasn't a deal breaker for me. I value my wife's partnership over an animals any day. My friends have some dogs so I get my dog fix in with them.

[hijack]
If you and your wife are OK with having dogs or other pets temporarily, you two might consider fostering dogs/animals through a local shelter. Those animals need breaks from the shelter environment due to kennel stress, illness and surgery for varying periods of times (usually about a week to several months). Typically, the shelter provides just about everything you need if buying food and such is too great of a financial burden, and covers all of the vet care.

We haven't fostered Humane Society dogs for several years, but it was a big part of our lives before our son was born, and a wonderful experience overall. Our schedule still doesn't allow for a full-time dog, but we'll likely start fostering again in the next year or so. The downside, of course, is giving the dog back when it's ready to find a forever family, but my sadness over that has always been minimized with the knowledge that we help a lot of dogs by fostering and there are always some more cute puppies or super sweet dogs who have been rescued from horrible situations to share a comfy home and lots of love with next.

It's just a thought for a potential compromise.
[/hijack]

 

[October46]

I feel so stupid asking, but I am at my wit’s end. He started having emotional affairs with women online three years ago. He meets them on message boards and some dating sites. I caught him two years ago, and he swore up and down he would stop. He said nothing was as important as our family and he loved me and only me. I believed him and we started to work on our marriage and to heal. I have been suspicious since I first caught him, but he is able to explain away my concerns and tells me I am looking for reasons to doubt him.

He swears he is faithful, but my inner voice will not stop telling me he is lying. Is it possible to go from messaging, cybering and sexting multiple women to leaving it all behind in one day? He messaged with one woman for over two years and now swears he ended it with her immediately, but I have no proof of who she was, and no way to verify what he tells me.

We have sex 2-3 each week and we don’t argue all that often. I try to be a good wife and give him what wants and needs. What am I doing wrong? I believe he continues to be unfaithful, but I do not know how to find the proof since it is all online, except for the woman he also talked to on the phone

My dear, enjoy what you have, if you over think what he is doing you will go crazy.

 

[amofiga]

<<<<It's not that we can't fill all three roles if we chose to, or that our spouse can't be all three to us. In my experience we need to strive to be all three, and most importantly accept that our spouse is a unique and changing blend of the three. The beauty of a deeply personal relationship with another person is that we can choose a partner who will grow with us to become all 3 in time. >>>>

Agreed. Unfortunately people often either change their attitudes over the years of become lax in recognizing the need to be respectful of their partner's needs and desires. Being a "friend" means accepting the other as they are or being very sensitive in working with them to change in a non-judgmental and non-accusatory way. Being a lover means loving in a giving and undemanding manner. Being a good sex partner means being willing to think outside the limitations that you may have always been comfortable with and at least being objective and considerate of their partner's interest without belittling them. Being "all three" people rolled in one can be hard if there is not a true sympathy to being on the same wavelength.

Human emotions can be strong and hard to change. It can be hard for a political liberal to accept and understand the beliefs of a conservative and vice versa. It can be hard for a very religious person to accept the feelings of an atheist and vice versa. Likewise, it can be hard for a sexually conventional and limited person to accept and understand a swinger or someone with unconventional views. You would hope that these sorts of things would be recognized before marriage but sometimes people change their attitudes over the years for one reason or another. I once read something by someone that said it might be good to have five year intervals to re-evaluate and renew a marriage. If things change too much, there either would be a re-structuring or discontinuation. That sounds a bit extreme, but we sort of do that with our financial investments moving from youth to retirement. Perhaps the same is true with our emotional and sexual investments moving through life as well. Those who can make those adjustments have the best chance at making it for the long term.