How do I make masturbation better?

[Satipatthana]

I'm a bit older than you but had some experience with this when I spent several years meditating and being celibate by choice. The problem was how to deal with sexual desire through masturbation in a way that was satisfying but not distracting in the rest of my life.

It took a while but eventually I made it work. Masturbation ended up becoming both less distracting and more pleasurable. Here's what helped:

1. Stay away from porn. It only fills your mind with sexual images and makes you see women as objects. Both of these are not good for you.

2. When you masturbate, focus on the sensations you are having and try not to have sexual fantasies about women. It may take some practice but keep working on it. Go slow. Don't rush to an orgasm. What does it feel like when you touch yourself? The more you can keep your attention on the sensations you are having, the more pleasurable it will be and the less after-effects you will have. That terrible feeling you have afterwards comes from the sexual fantasies, which feel good at first, but then you when you realize you haven't got that in your life, it feels awful. If you don't have the fantasies, that won't happen. At least that's my experience.

3. Practice some restraint. Gradually cut down the amount you are masturbating. It can be difficult, but it's just about changing habits. Once you get accustomed to new habits you'll feel fine. Then reduce some more. Don't drive yourself crazy, but make the commitment to keep trying. Eventually you will get to the point of finding what your natural rhythm really is- at what frequency your body needs to have the physical release. For someone your age I would guess it might be every other day or so.

4. I can confirm for you the different feelings that go along with different ejaculations- but I don't think you have cause and effect quite right. When you have a satifying ejaculation it's usually because you were really into the pleasure of masturbating. That feels good and has little side effect. When the ejaculation isn't so good it's often because you were rushing it, or only trying to distract yourself, or focused too much on a fantasy that leaves you feeling empty. If you reduce the frequency of masturbation and focus purely on the sensations you are having, I guarantee you will have the best ejaculations ever and that will become normal.

In fact, after I became sexually active again I found sex a bit of a letdown. I had become so attuned to my body that just in terms of physical pleasure, masturbation was better. The reason sex feels good isn't because the physical sensations are better. It's because of the connection to another person.

 

[Nezhul]

I don't want a girlfriend, I just wanna bang.

I have bad news for you - not very many people are into fucking someone just for the sake of sex. A vibrator does a far better job at satisfying an urge than a random partner does.

Also, there are special girls for that who'd be on your doorstep in two hours. Just saying. Normal people don't do "casual sex" with no strings attached.

And I don't have the patience to go through that potential long process of getting a girlfriend just to bang.

Lol, 2-3 dates is a long process? Nowadays it's quite normal to have sex on the second date. Granted, some people are not into it and will require longer, like, 5 dates. If it takes longer than either you found that one-in-ten girls with too much baggage, or you are just no good as a date. Girls want sex just as badly as guys do when they date.
But come on! That's far faster than trying to get a random girl to agree to have sex with no obligations with you, especially when you tell her you are a virgin.

I don't think it's strange at all that people would rather have sex with someone experienced, I just don't understand why being a virgin is such a red flag to females when to most guys they're open to female virgins.

It's not a red flag. Casual sex is. This is a HUGE red flag. Casual sex is something done for PLEASURE, not for bonding. For physical pleasure. As a virgin you can hardly be satisfactory.
So you are basically offering NOTHING to the women - no physical pleasure, no relationship, no bonding. And you ask them for something as big as sex.

It's like asking people to pay you $10 for a glass of your lemonade when it doesn't even look presentable and you are the one to admit that it's made of second-grade lemons. You are offering bullshit for a huge commitment and the potential to get bad experience.

 

[Ladyrookie123]

I have bad news for you - not very many people are into fucking someone just for the sake of sex. A vibrator does a far better job at satisfying an urge than a random partner does.

Also, there are special girls for that who'd be on your doorstep in two hours. Just saying. Normal people don't do "casual sex" with no strings attached.

"Normal people don't do casual sex with no strings attached." Then what are booty calls, friends with benefits, and one night stands?

Lol, 2-3 dates is a long process? Nowadays it's quite normal to have sex on the second date. Granted, some people are not into it and will require longer, like, 5 dates. If it takes longer than either you found that one-in-ten girls with too much baggage, or you are just no good as a date. Girls want sex just as badly as guys do when they date.
But come on! That's far faster than trying to get a random girl to agree to have sex with no obligations with you, especially when you tell her you are a virgin.

Dates would be fine, in fact I would prefer them, I like spending time with interesting people. I just don't like the chances of those dates being used as nothing more to the partner than ways to gauge if I'd be worthy of being in a relationship with them when again my mind is somewhere else.

It's not a red flag. Casual sex is. This is a HUGE red flag. Casual sex is something done for PLEASURE, not for bonding. For physical pleasure. As a virgin you can hardly be satisfactory.
So you are basically offering NOTHING to the women - no physical pleasure, no relationship, no bonding. And you ask them for something as big as sex.

And this is the reason why I've been debating if I want to simply lie about my virginity and only confess after the deed has been done....but the fact that I don't want to feel guilty afterwards is what prevents me.

 

[Ladyrookie123]

I'm a bit older than you but had some experience with this when I spent several years meditating and being celibate by choice. The problem was how to deal with sexual desire through masturbation in a way that was satisfying but not distracting in the rest of my life.

It took a while but eventually I made it work. Masturbation ended up becoming both less distracting and more pleasurable. Here's what helped:

1. Stay away from porn. It only fills your mind with sexual images and makes you see women as objects. Both of these are not good for you.

2. When you masturbate, focus on the sensations you are having and try not to have sexual fantasies about women. It may take some practice but keep working on it. Go slow. Don't rush to an orgasm. What does it feel like when you touch yourself? The more you can keep your attention on the sensations you are having, the more pleasurable it will be and the less after-effects you will have. That terrible feeling you have afterwards comes from the sexual fantasies, which feel good at first, but then you when you realize you haven't got that in your life, it feels awful. If you don't have the fantasies, that won't happen. At least that's my experience.

3. Practice some restraint. Gradually cut down the amount you are masturbating. It can be difficult, but it's just about changing habits. Once you get accustomed to new habits you'll feel fine. Then reduce some more. Don't drive yourself crazy, but make the commitment to keep trying. Eventually you will get to the point of finding what your natural rhythm really is- at what frequency your body needs to have the physical release. For someone your age I would guess it might be every other day or so.

4. I can confirm for you the different feelings that go along with different ejaculations- but I don't think you have cause and effect quite right. When you have a satifying ejaculation it's usually because you were really into the pleasure of masturbating. That feels good and has little side effect. When the ejaculation isn't so good it's often because you were rushing it, or only trying to distract yourself, or focused too much on a fantasy that leaves you feeling empty. If you reduce the frequency of masturbation and focus purely on the sensations you are having, I guarantee you will have the best ejaculations ever and that will become normal.

In fact, after I became sexually active again I found sex a bit of a letdown. I had become so attuned to my body that just in terms of physical pleasure, masturbation was better. The reason sex feels good isn't because the physical sensations are better. It's because of the connection to another person.

1. While I understand that viewpoint, I don't watch much porn as it is and I'm fine. I'm also able to differentiate between reality and fantasy so no way I'd see women as objects anyway.

2.Nice explanation on what I'm feeling afterwards. But in my case I really believe I get them because my orgasms aren't as strong as it was when I first started and I think I'd rather enjoy them more if I had sex. That's why when I shoot I don't feel any negative feelings.

3.Restraint is still quite difficult, the longest I lasted was a week and that just made me feel REALLY pent up. My urges happen every single day and the only reason I was able to shorten the amount I do a day is because I've been going to the gym and sometimes that just makes me feel even hornier. Bare in mind I NEVER masturbated during my teens,or early twenties, I only got introduced to this in my late twenties so I would imagine my body going through a huge sexual overload as a result....

4. Hmmmmm, I'm still trying to figure out what causes the differences in orgasms for me. Sometimes when I do the same pattern that resulted in a shoot I still just ooze out.....

Thanks very much for your helpful post though.

 

[NightL]

"Normal people don't do casual sex with no strings attached." Then what are booty calls, friends with benefits, and one night stands?

And this is the reason why I've been debating if I want to simply lie about my virginity and only confess after the deed has been done....but the fact that I don't want to feel guilty afterwards is what prevents me.

For the "booty calls, friends with benefits" the "strings" are attraction, friendship, respect, honesty, reliability, trust, a degree of emotional connection, companionship and ultimately can you deliver (if your goal is to just take then you are unlikely to ever get a repeat opportunity). Those "strings" will have been developed over an extended period of time. You, however, have stated that you wish to dispense just about all of those "strings" - so you miss out.

Re. one night stands the reasons may be varied but the "strings" are likely to be physical attraction, an assessment of confidence - a sense of overwhelming desire to push boundaries aside to act on urges of lust. Think it through - a one night stand is not two people walking into a room naked and fucking. It may be hours of teasing and flirting with passionate foreplay before a decision is made to have intercourse - do you really think you can lie through all that? If a partner is after physical pleasure you will have to pass a lot of steps before clothes come off.

You won't consider a prostitute but basically in your words you want to "bang" a woman and just walk out - hoping your lies will have got you that far. You want your first time to be with someone who has an emotional connection toward you but you don't really want the effort to connect with them.

Then it is back to your masturbation thing, appearing that you hold more value and meaning toward your own semen than that of women.

Do you actually like women? I am not talking about lusting after them or wanting to use them as a masturbation object - just do you like women? If you do, then what effort are you willing to make for them to think you are desirable. With "But this, but that..." it just won't happen - ever.

A reminder as to how relationships became part of the discussion

The feeling of depression just comes from my bland oozing orgasms and my desires to want to get laid instead of jerking off with my hand.

Totally agree having sex with someone I trust and like would be the BEST outcome for me, but at my age I lack the hope of meeting someone like that within a reasonable amount of time, that and I have no idea how to make friends with girls on my own(Hence my name ladyrookie).

And yeah plenty of guys has told me sex is definitely a hell of a lot better than masturbation. Perhaps it really is just different for girls.

 

[Nezhul]

Then what are booty calls, friends with benefits, and one night stands?

It doesn't come out of the blue. You establish a relationship first. It may be a friendship relationship, not a boyfriend-girlfriend one, but that's a relationship.

Those things don't come out of the blue.

Alternatively you go to a club and find a girl for one night - that's totally posible too. But there's still a relationship, attraction. And this is actually MUCH harder than just getting yourself a girlfriend, because the standards of such club girl will be high.

Again, people do that. But not "with no strings attached". People do that when there is benefit to be had. You are offering her nothing, no benefit.

Dates would be fine, in fact I would prefer them, I like spending time with interesting people. I just don't like the chances of those dates being used as nothing more to the partner than ways to gauge if I'd be worthy of being in a relationship with them when again my mind is somewhere else.

Learn pickup then. It's faster than dating but exponentially harder. And you are being a kind of a jerk to girls if you do that - getting their hopes up and dumping them after a night.

Look, you are completely confused about what you want and what you say. To me it looks like you don't want a girlfriend because it's too much work - so you are struggling to find your way around and cheat.

Things do not happen the way they think they are. No one will ever sleep with you with no strings attached. A prostitute will, for money. Your friend will, because there's an attraction between you.
But there's always a prerequisite.

Most friends will not sleep with you, until you move the relationship to boyfriend-girlfriend.
Heck, most PEOPLE will not have this casual sex, ever. I'm a guy, and I'm not going to fuck a random girl if she approaches me on the street asking for sex. Even if she's hot and I wasn't laid for months - I'll turn her down, because I'm not interested in this kind of sex. Only after getting to know her I can then DECIDE if I want sex with her or not.

And this is the reason why I've been debating if I want to simply lie about my virginity and only confess after the deed has been done....but the fact that I don't want to feel guilty afterwards is what prevents me.

You are a coward and a jerk.

 

[Ladyrookie123]

You won't consider a prostitute but basically in your words you want to "bang" a woman and just walk out - hoping your lies will have got you that far. You want your first time to be with someone who has an emotional connection toward you but you don't really want the effort to connect with them.

I'm going to address this first, No I do not want an emotional connection with my first time, If and I mean BIG IF I'm lucky to pull this off somehow then great I will definitely accept this. But no I'd rather someone just be willing to have sex with while knowing I'm still a virgin. Their interest and desire is all I need. Please please get that straight.

Then it is back to your masturbation thing, appearing that you hold more value and meaning toward your own semen than that of women.

How in the world did you come to this conclusion??? The fact that I view my masturbation as pointless and meaningless is why I feel depressed and frustrated if I don't shoot and I'd rather be having sex with women instead but in the mean time I wanted advice on making those masturbation sessions manageable and less stressful until then.

Do you actually like women? I am not talking about lusting after them or wanting to use them as a masturbation object - just do you like women? If you do, then what effort are you willing to make for them to think you are desirable. With "But this, but that..." it just won't happen - ever.

Of course I like women. I liked them before I even developed my sexual urges, that hasn't changed. It's just since my desires awakened now I AM starting to see them as people I'd like to have sex with. What effort I'm willing to make for them to think I am desirable? Get a more fit and attractive body is the best I can think of, since personality wise once I'm comfortable I think I'm nice and friendly enough.

 

[Ladyrookie123]

Alternatively you go to a club and find a girl for one night - that's totally posible too. But there's still a relationship, attraction. And this is actually MUCH harder than just getting yourself a girlfriend, because the standards of such club girl will be high.

Again, people do that. But not "with no strings attached". People do that when there is benefit to be had. You are offering her nothing, no benefit.

Yet again showing evidence that a male virgin is worthless unless emotional attachment or relationships are done first.

Learn pickup then. It's faster than dating but exponentially harder. And you are being a kind of a jerk to girls if you do that - getting their hopes up and dumping them after a night.

Women do the same thing to men. I'd REALLY rather NOT do this but if being honest and consideration about my lack of sexual experience will hinder my chances and since virgins have nothing to offer sexually then what other choices do I have?

Look, you are completely confused about what you want and what you say. To me it looks like you don't want a girlfriend because it's too much work - so you are struggling to find your way around and cheat.

Plain and simple I don't want a girlfriend right now. Yes it would take more time and effort to do this and in another time I would gladly participate in that process and enjoy every minute of it just like I used to in the past. But right now my priorities are getting laid in happy and comfortable way and getting my first time out of the way.

Most friends will not sleep with you, until you move the relationship to boyfriend-girlfriend.
Heck, most PEOPLE will not have this casual sex, ever. I'm a guy, and I'm not going to fuck a random girl if she approaches me on the street asking for sex. Even if she's hot and I wasn't laid for months - I'll turn her down, because I'm not interested in this kind of sex. Only after getting to know her I can then DECIDE if I want sex with her or not.

You want emotional sex along with a connection, that's what YOU want. I just want the physical sex with no emotional connection involved. The most I'd need is for the girl to be attractive and willing and I used to have a condition that I'd like to see doctors papers to show me they're clean but I found out the hard way that girls DO NOT like this approach at all.