How Fluid is Your Sexuality?

[Stella_Omega]

I prefer plastic wrap. You take a nice long piece of it and wrap her up in a fetchin' little bikini bottom... and then you try to poke a hole through it with your tongue.

Fingermagic, what you say is interesting to me, because-- I don't bottom for men very often and I never "sub" for men. But I will for women... as much as I ever do submit...that's another aspect of my sexuality that's gotten less flexible for me as time goes on.

 

[none2_none2]

...I am sure there are some lesbians who are fine dating actively bi/omni/pansexual girls. From my long experience (20 plus years) I have never met ONE who was into me while I was actively bi. That is my personal take, YMMV.

I have always hung out with lesbians, even when I considered myself bi...and in my case when they said I was hiding in the closet...and confused...it was true. So I listened when they talked about the girls that ran through females at the bar and ran home to hubby. I heard the tone of voice, the absolute LOATHING, all the time. THAT was my initial point. When I was actively bi, I refused to allow the lesbians I knew to feel disrespected by my life choices by inviting them to my bed. It would have been disrespectful to them.

If a woman doesn't want to look at a penis, touch a penis, fuck a penis, kiss a penis...then why should I have done anything that would have made that possible, even second hand? I chose well, I chose correctly, for my time period, for my area of the world, for myself.

That doesn't mean I bashed guys...or hated on them. It means that the lesbians I know/knew were actively turned off by the thought of a penis...and I respected them enough to keep my cunt away from em.

I'm not trying to butter you toast, but what you said seems SO ethical. For many men, being ethical tends to go out the door when they are horney.

I cannot speak to lesbian feelings, but I do think that many gay men dislike bi-men because for many men bi is about being straight, but getting it on with guys when you want but totally without emotion. ( I don't mean the "no kiss" law, but really getting to know the other person, and giving a damn what becomes of them.

Now even gay guys can use another guy, but I think for most gays if it gets habitual with the same person you tend to want it to be deeper. I don't mean necessarily "until death do you part", but rather be something more than a penis, asshole, hand, mouth, or whathever just to recreate with.

The part of "MY" sexuality that always bugged me is how I could drown myself in sex, and not know what happened to those other guys. In addition to having a high sex drive when I was younger, I was looking for respect, for being desired, for being "special". I even had the ability to get some guys on one night stands to open up emotionally and have them tell me things that they wouldn't tell their significant other (wife or gay lover) -- nor not even their bartender if they were plastered.

For instance, I remember an architect who I talked to afterwards. He told me how he had been in the same relationship for 20+ years, but that the sexual desire was gone. He would die for his lover, but the familiarity with his partner's body and his personality meant that his feelings had morphed into seeing his partner as his best friend and brother -- someone that you would love for a lifetime but would have problems sexually "getting it on" with. I was so touched by his revelation, yet it haunted me for years that we got it on. I wondered did he ever respark their love? Did he end up with AIDS from a lot of extra cirricular activity?

Those experiences with something so personal/deep is like making love to their soul. I feel guilty that I never knew how what troubled them turned out. To make an analogy, think of those that strangle themselves during sex. (Something that I would never do to myself nor someone else.) It might very well be VERY intense, but it could also be seen by some as crossing some line that you shouldn't. That is how I feel.

The fact that you had your ethical values and STUCK to them, says worlds about your character. As you get older, its your character that matters the most. Looks fade, sexual drive diminishes, but who you are stays with you. That is why I could never go back to my old ways.

 

[Gaddy]

The two aspects of my sexuality, romantic attraction and sexual attraction, sometimes like to fuck with each other's heads.

On a physical level, I am attracted to men. Primarily, cisgendered men; I like penises. It's just how it is. Sometimes it feels hypocritical of me, being a transgendered man, but when it comes down to it, you like what you like; you can't force yourself to be into something you're not. Some people like skinny partners, some people like softer partners; some people like uncut cocks, some people like circumcised cocks. I like...cocks. *shrug*

On an emotional, romantic level is where I occasionally get myself into trouble. I've had some serious emotional and personal attraction to people across the gender spectrum, from male to female to genderqueer. However, my physical, sexual preference trips me up and lands me flat on my face when/if things start to move towards relationshippy territory; it's completely unfair to a potential partner if I'm not sexually compatible with them, no matter how wonderfully we get along. Sex is an undeniably powerful component in a relationship.

Much of this makes me more patient and understanding of gay men who are not physically attracted to transmen. We are undeniably men; our gender is not the issue. Our anatomy, however... If they like certain equipment, and my model doesn't come with those power train options, then they're not going to drive.

It makes the pool of potential partners very, very tiny for me. This I know, and it does suck. However, I'm not willing to settle for someone who's not sexually right for me, just because they're tolerant of -- or genuinely attracted to me because of -- my particular circumstances.

Wow. This was pretty rambly. Sorry 'bout that.

 

[SilkyDave]

Thanks to all who have contributed thus far. I'm finding your thoughts and experiences very interesting.

Does anyone think that fluidity in some bisexuals gives credence to the idea of some people that we're "fence-sitters" or "really in denial" or "just confused" regarding who we are and what we're looking for?

there's a website that has a test measuring one's sexual fluidity, it could actually be called fluidity.com (i know, not too complex) but it does address one's sexuality changing frequently within a spectrum. I tried it on a few different occasions out of curiousity and I range from almost gay to almost straight, note the almost.....
i found it quite interesting, do a google search for it

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

I'm not trying to butter you toast, but what you said seems SO ethical. For many men, being ethical tends to go out the door when they are horney.

I cannot speak to lesbian feelings, but I do think that many gay men dislike bi-men because for many men bi is about being straight, but getting it on with guys when you want but totally without emotion. ( I don't mean the "no kiss" law, but really getting to know the other person, and giving a damn what becomes of them.

Now even gay guys can use another guy, but I think for most gays if it gets habitual with the same person you tend to want it to be deeper. I don't mean necessarily "until death do you part", but rather be something more than a penis, asshole, hand, mouth, or whathever just to recreate with.

The part of "MY" sexuality that always bugged me is how I could drown myself in sex, and not know what happened to those other guys. In addition to having a high sex drive when I was younger, I was looking for respect, for being desired, for being "special". I even had the ability to get some guys on one night stands to open up emotionally and have them tell me things that they wouldn't tell their significant other (wife or gay lover) -- nor not even their bartender if they were plastered.

For instance, I remember an architect who I talked to afterwards. He told me how he had been in the same relationship for 20+ years, but that the sexual desire was gone. He would die for his lover, but the familiarity with his partner's body and his personality meant that his feelings had morphed into seeing his partner as his best friend and brother -- someone that you would love for a lifetime but would have problems sexually "getting it on" with. I was so touched by his revelation, yet it haunted me for years that we got it on. I wondered did he ever respark their love? Did he end up with AIDS from a lot of extra cirricular activity?

Those experiences with something so personal/deep is like making love to their soul. I feel guilty that I never knew how what troubled them turned out. To make an analogy, think of those that strangle themselves during sex. (Something that I would never do to myself nor someone else.) It might very well be VERY intense, but it could also be seen by some as crossing some line that you shouldn't. That is how I feel.

The fact that you had your ethical values and STUCK to them, says worlds about your character. As you get older, its your character that matters the most. Looks fade, sexual drive diminishes, but who you are stays with you. That is why I could never go back to my old ways.

none2~

Thanks for getting it. I know Stella did, as she had the same experiences over a longer period of time, but most people don't, not really. If you respect a person then you choose what you do or say around them. I respect ALL women~lez/bi/straight/trans. They are women and each have different things that work for them. (Honestly, if I had been born male, I would have been totally straight, I think. It was only the crap that happened in my life that forced my struggle to be completely true to myself that caused all the confusion.)

I never said it was perfect...or that I was right as there were probably females that would have dealt with me as a slide off (or side piece) and not felt too torn up about it. I worried though, that they would feel grossed out LATER and that I would lose a potential friend/ally. That's why I stuck to my choices.

It is hard~when you feel smack dab in the middle of a sexual buffet to limit yourself. I am not an ugly woman, by a long shot. I carry myself well. I have been hit on by people all across the spectrum, but I value potential friendships, not potential sex partners...and have since I was a child.

So thank you for understanding what I was trying to say. This is why I post stalk you.

The two aspects of my sexuality, romantic attraction and sexual attraction, sometimes like to fuck with each other's heads.

On a physical level, I am attracted to men. Primarily, cisgendered men; I like penises. It's just how it is. Sometimes it feels hypocritical of me, being a transgendered man, but when it comes down to it, you like what you like; you can't force yourself to be into something you're not. Some people like skinny partners, some people like softer partners; some people like uncut cocks, some people like circumcised cocks. I like...cocks. *shrug*

On an emotional, romantic level is where I occasionally get myself into trouble. I've had some serious emotional and personal attraction to people across the gender spectrum, from male to female to genderqueer. However, my physical, sexual preference trips me up and lands me flat on my face when/if things start to move towards relationshippy territory; it's completely unfair to a potential partner if I'm not sexually compatible with them, no matter how wonderfully we get along. Sex is an undeniably powerful component in a relationship.

Much of this makes me more patient and understanding of gay men who are not physically attracted to transmen. We are undeniably men; our gender is not the issue. Our anatomy, however... If they like certain equipment, and my model doesn't come with those power train options, then they're not going to drive.

It makes the pool of potential partners very, very tiny for me. This I know, and it does suck. However, I'm not willing to settle for someone who's not sexually right for me, just because they're tolerant of -- or genuinely attracted to me because of -- my particular circumstances.

Wow. This was pretty rambly. Sorry 'bout that.

First of all, hello and welcome to the conversation.

Secondly, I never really understood the cock as being the end all and be all of maleness. I get it on a visceral level...but physically? I don't get it. I have been attracted to intersexed and trans men in my past. Their maleness wasn't in the jut of their pants...but in their heads, their hearts, the way they carried themselves. That was what turned me on initially and on the rare occasion that I find a male sexy (now, within the past 5 years)...I find usually that they are transitioning from female to male.

(one wonders if that is because I am primarily drawn to the air of power that studs have? That almost male thing that manifests fully in transmen?? *head shake*)

Anyway~your post has my brain wandering in circles (which isn't hard~ask Amy or Stella) but the truth of the matter is I find it a difficult thing to understand because of the cock. (Not for you, BTW, as you said~you like what you like). I guess because I am queer with a very strong distracting preference for women, I don't understand how the lack of that one little thing can make life so HARD. Anyway, thanks for giving me something NEW to think on...

and welcome to the GLBT forums.

 

[Schism_time]

I'm starting to discover that my sexuality may be very fluid.
I'm coming from a basically sexless relationship of 10+ years (now over) into the world of kink, and feel like I've hit the reset button on my sexuality.
While I still find myself drawn to the feminine, that is no longer a biological concept. I'm mildly swooning for a CD I talk to on Fetlife, for example. I'm also playing with a little crossdressing myself and looking to see where these new things go.
Funny, I'm also attracted to some butch women still, so I'm thinking that maybe I simply require SOME aspect of femininity?
Thats where I am, I suppose.
Its crazy exciting

 

[Wolfman1982]

my sexuality is extremely fluid, if there is too much hatred towards men. Then I prefer men more, and when there is too much towards women. Then I prefer women more. And when it is calm, then I choose what I fall for. But I am faithful and monogamous, no matter what partner I choose.

 

[Stella_Omega]

my sexuality is extremely fluid, if there is too much hatred towards men. Then I prefer men more, and when there is too much towards women. Then I prefer women more. And when it is calm, then I choose what I fall for. But I am faithful and monogamous, no matter what partner I choose.

In other words, you need to be able to rescue someone in order to fall for them.

Who is getting more hatred right now in your neighborhood, men or women?

 

[Wolfman1982]

In other words, you need to be able to rescue someone in order to fall for them.

Who is getting more hatred right now in your neighborhood, men or women?

I do not have a saviour complex, thank you. But in my neighbourhood the LGBT is whom who gets the hatred, not the gender.

 

[SweetErika]

my sexuality is extremely fluid, if there is too much hatred towards men. Then I prefer men more, and when there is too much towards women. Then I prefer women more. And when it is calm, then I choose what I fall for. But I am faithful and monogamous, no matter what partner I choose.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean here. Are you saying when YOU hate men, you are more attracted to them (and the same for women)? Or are you saying that when you perceive society dislikes men, you like them more? Even then, could you give some examples of what you mean by "hatred" towards either sex?

Do you know why you prefer the sex that you perceive to be hated more, at any given time? For instance, is it a matter of liking the underdog?

 

[Wolfman1982]

SweetErika: No, when I personally feel men are being hated for the wrong reasons, then I feel more attracted to the men who stand up for the right reasons and proves by doing the right thing, and the same goes to the women.
But what I fall in a person for is their personality. Like Hanne Boel sings in her in her song "If Want My Body" If you want my body you got to make love to my mind.

 

[SweetErika]

SweetErika: No, when I personally feel men are being hated for the wrong reasons, then I feel more attracted to the men who stand up for the right reasons and proves by doing the right thing, and the same goes to the women.

Like what, though? When, for example, do you feel men are being hated for the wrong reasons? I guess I never feel that men or women as a group are being hated (that's a very strong word), on and off.

 

[none2_none2]

I'm not sure I understand the concept of fluidity of sexuality since emotions and physical pleasure hard to figure in.

I think part of my sexuality is an emotional yearning for things I feel that elude me. For me that was the unconditional love of a man. I always had the love of my grandma who raised me and died just three weeks from my 44th birthday (and less than 3 months from her 100th). I remember sometime after she died, I had a dream of sleeping (not sexualiy) and cuddling with a lady friend of mine. I don't think I was going straight, but just missing my grandma. I couldn't imagine it ever happening since she is primary a lesbian and I'm primarily gay. She is simply a very kind person. Most of us cannot plan our dreams, we simply try to understand them.

What is interesting is that when I was a kid, most of my friends were girls. I could see how I was perceived as a failure as a boy/man in the eyes of other boys/men and some girls/women, so I slowly pulled back from my associations with girls/women. I didn't pull back enough during high school which probably why I was considered a looser by my piers even though I was considered a success academically by my teachers. It wasn't that I was extremely effeminate, but that I missed charactics that come from male associations. I was more of a loner than a good old boy hanging around guys, but it did the trick of definately "butching me up" more. I also gave up things I loved such as theatre.

Physically, I love hairy, muscular, manly (but not in an aloof, jerk kind of a way) bottom guys. I don't care for penises. I don't have a penis phobia, they just don't do much for me. When I grab my partners penis it is because I love HIM -- not because I have a fetish for penises or cum. I do find some women attractive, but it isn't an all consuming desire.

If I was fertile, I'd be tempted to go straight. If I was told I could definately reproduce if I had a sex change, I'd be tempted to do that too. I don't jave any natural desire to change my gender nor do I have shame about my attraction to men. I simply have a longing for making children that goes back to when I was 16.

 

[Wolfman1982]

Like what, though? When, for example, do you feel men are being hated for the wrong reasons? I guess I never feel that men or women as a group are being hated (that's a very strong word), on and off.

Like when Safe_Bet goes rambling in pure and hatred and has a meltdown, which she had in her "men they suck in a bad way" thread. Those few men who went in and fought with words against her. And basically gave her the finger. Those people attracted me, in a non sexual way, cause they won't take it, and neither will I. Cause neither them or I suck. Anyway, I think it is clear enough how I see things now. And I meant hate and hatred , when I wrote it.

 

[BentSecrets]

My sexuality is so fluid, *water* is jealous . Early in my life, my sexual feelings were all over the place--guys, girls, whatever could distract me from feeling alone and offer some sexual attention. I started very young playing sexually with my cousins (male), and for a long time I still felt the desire for a girl, but all I really thought about was guys, specifically them. I'd often, when alone, break out the vaseline and use my hands in the back door, imagining it was one or the other of them.

But then I started having sexual relationships with women, and my "guy" desire turned off completely. I wasn't interested in cock or gay sex at all, for years. Then one day it shifted. Not as completely, mostly for the sex, and for years that was enough. Then one day a cute, smooth guy kissed me--and I melted. It was like kissing a girl for the first time, and I fell sort of in love. Not exactly, of course, because it was a bit of a fickle relationship anyway (IE, all we really did was pleasure each other sexually, and though we were intense and passionate about it, that's really all there was to it), but the point was made to me that I could feel that way about a guy, provided he wasn't a furball, anyway .

Now I'm about 50/50. I'm having sex with both guys and girls, (95% of the time safe, with condoms, the only exception being one partner, and she refuses to use them, but I trust her).

So, long story short, yes, it's very fluid, and what turns me on one day might be very different from what turns me on the next.

 

[Teachme84]

I'm glad i found this thread, been having a bit of a melt down myself at the minute when it comes to my sexuality. Ive always found women attractive and fantasised about women but never in a million years would i have thought i would ever actively seek a female relationship. Very interesting to read all of your thoughts.

 

[Wolfman1982]

BentSecrets: you mentioned water, do you know this quote ?


"Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend."

That is one of my favourite quotes.

Teachme84: when I am having a meltdown or close to, there inside of me. There is a fighter inside of me whom I fondly call the "inner optimist". And I am pretty grateful, that I have. But at the same time, I try hard to be close to those I care about and tries to listen to them. But whether I am 50/50 bisexual or anything along those lines. It really does not matter to me. Cause what is important to me, when it either comes to friends, or people I fall for . Is that ultimately, their personality is what like about them.