how to ask mom..

[ragdoll2992]

my first post! I’ve been lurking around for a while, much thanks to everyone who posts here you guys are helping far more people then those who directly ask the questions.
I’m 19, raised in a very up-tight family (i.e. no sex until marriage). I’m considering going on the Pill. I’m in college and still under my parents insurance, so there’s no going around them to get it, well I know about planned parenthood, but I don’t like the idea of sneaking around them. For the most part we have a very close relationship. The straight forward asking to go on birth control will most likely mean a huge argument over morals, she has no idea I’ve kissed a guy, much less had sex. I’ve already hinted around at the idea and have gotten nothing but a negative reaction from her. Does anyone have and advice on how to bring this up to my mother in a way that would not scream out ‘mom I’m having sex’? Granted, for her, this would be implied, but I would not like that to be the main issue.

 

[silver_tongue]

well i know my gf found info on the pill, and theres evididence it helps prevent cancer, but then so does a lot of other things, so thats kinda shaky ground.

myself, im a terrible lyer. ive avoided every 'talk' they ve tried, an let them guess the rest, but my thought is honesty is the best policy and usually works out the best in the long run

 

[fr34k_n45ty]

There are many benefits of the pill/birth control like the cancer and zits, and reg. periods and stuff like that ... i mean you don't want to lie to them but maybe print off the information from the planned parent hood site and show your mom the things that it's good for and relate them to your life so that you dont have to share with her that you are having sex... unless you want to tell her you are having sex... i had the problem where my mom kept asking me if i was pregger and y I was getting fat and finally one day i was sick of it and told her i was on the pill..... well i wish you luck. you can always leave me a messege and i'll get back to ya on an idea.

 

[Lynxie]

I agree with the advice given so far - bring up the whole range of benefits of being on birth control, not just pregnancy prevention. Many types of bc pills will help clear up bad skin, regulate your period, relieve cramping and breast tenderness, regulate PMS, etc.

If you're not sure they'll buy it, schedule yourself for a physical exam with your doctor, discuss your birth control options with him/her, and then tell your parents what your doctor recommends (along with the afore-mentioned list of benefits). Unless your parents are against birth control for religious reasons, that should do the trick.

 

[liz3030]

I guess I am confused, can't you go to your doctor and then have your Doctor write you a prescription for a birth control pill.

of course the doctor is not going to share which med he is putting you on with your parents.

The Pharmacy will fill the prescription and then you can decide if you want the pill to go on their insurance or not.

So, where in the process do you need to confess to your Mom that you need her consent to get a doctor to write you a birth control prescription?

 

[EJFan]

i understand all of the extra benefits there are to going on the pill... but i think you have to consider things beyond "selling" the idea to your parents.

it's hard to really get into detail without knowing you or your family. the general idea here is to be the mature woman you obviously are and make THEM see that you're as mature and insightful as your posts lead me to believe you are.

i think if you can get them into the mindset that you're an independent individual who's capable of making intelligent decisions for yourself, the battle's half won. rather than assume they'll balk at the idea of you having sex, try to approach it more like you're showing them how aware, realistic and prepared you are. they'll have to respect your maturity sooner or later... it may be rocky at first but you'll all be better off after it's said and done.

 

[5pintshefound]

hey sweetie... do you have an insurance card? because if you do, then you can go to the doc, get a script, get it filled and your parents cant do anything about it. plus, unless you live in an ultra small town {which i doubt since theres a college} you can take the script to your local walmart, they'll fill it, and they cant tell your parents what your script is.. your over 18, which in the eyes of the law makes you in charge of yourself... {check out the privacy act of 1972<not sure on the date>} also the HIPAA stuff yadda yadda.... altho, if it turns out that your 'rents are best friends with the pharmacist, i woulddnt do it there.. just find an pharmacy that covers your insurance... also, if you dont have an insurance card, just get your mom to call and get you one.. you'll be on their insurance iether to age 21 or age 24 as longa s your in college full time... its time that you have your own card tocarry with you, in case of emergencies... anyway.. just some ideas.. oh, and the whole sneaking behind your parents by going to planned parent hood... hun, your 19.. its only sneaking if you completely intend never to tell them about it, or lie about it... sometimes parents react differently if you are proactive about your life... just a though.. i grew up in an ultra conservative religious family {lol ask my husband L5P!} and i know mom wasnt happy when she figured out that my husband and i were sleeping together, but, we were already planning our marriage, and i didnt even get a "you know you shouldnt be doing that yet" talk...{well not from her at least... got it from a friend but thats a WHOLE nother can of worms }
if you have anyquestions, feel free to holler!
~5PHF

 

[5pintshefound]

oh, one more thing... just keep in mind that when you start the pill it takes it a full 30 days to become completely effective {as much as possible on the pill---i know way to many gals that got knocked up while on it} AND!!! just as an FYI... rememebr that if you take st johns wort OR! anti biotics for anythign, it negates the pill... ok.. done ranting for now

 

[EJFan]

hey sweetie... do you have an insurance card? because if you do, then you can go to the doc, get a script, get it filled and your parents cant do anything about it. plus, unless you live in an ultra small town {which i doubt since theres a college} you can take the script to your local walmart, they'll fill it, and they cant tell your parents what your script is.. your over 18, which in the eyes of the law makes you in charge of yourself... {check out the privacy act of 1972<not sure on the date>} also the HIPAA stuff yadda yadda.... altho, if it turns out that your 'rents are best friends with the pharmacist, i woulddnt do it there.. just find an pharmacy that covers your insurance... also, if you dont have an insurance card, just get your mom to call and get you one.. you'll be on their insurance iether to age 21 or age 24 as longa s your in college full time... its time that you have your own card tocarry with you, in case of emergencies... anyway.. just some ideas.. oh, and the whole sneaking behind your parents by going to planned parent hood... hun, your 19.. its only sneaking if you completely intend never to tell them about it, or lie about it... sometimes parents react differently if you are proactive about your life... just a though.. i grew up in an ultra conservative religious family {lol ask my husband L5P!} and i know mom wasnt happy when she figured out that my husband and i were sleeping together, but, we were already planning our marriage, and i didnt even get a "you know you shouldnt be doing that yet" talk...{well not from her at least... got it from a friend but thats a WHOLE nother can of worms }
if you have anyquestions, feel free to holler!
~5PHF

these are all valid points, but i think she really WANTS to have her parents in the loop on this... which is understandable. or maybe i'm interpreting her question wrong?

 

[Willing and Unsure]

I had this same problem with my parents when I first went on the pill. I didnt exactly approach my parents with it before getting the prescription and trying it (the pill is not for everyone) to make sure it would be a good option for me. I did the slightly immature thing and told her over the phone when I decided it was a good idea for me to be on the pill. I had gone for that option partly for the actual birth control reasons, but the rest of the reasons why is what made me fully decide to go for it. I never shared with her an inkling of an idea that I'd had sex. I just shared the other problems and that it was going to help me with that and help reduce my stress over the problems I was having while in school here. She didnt like it much, but she accepted it. It was never questioned of me again really because she does trust me to be a responsible person and all that.

It ultimately is up to you how you bring it up to her. The advice given here so far is pretty good, and I'd consider following some of it.


Oh, one other thing. She did ask me what prompted me to go see a gynecologist. My answer was that I was almost 19 years old and you're supposed to start getting an annual exam at around 18 years. And the idea of me going on the pill was suggested to me by the doctor from all that I'd said about what was going on.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

these are all valid points, but i think she really WANTS to have her parents in the loop on this... which is understandable. or maybe i'm interpreting her question wrong?

I dont think it's so much that, as it's going to go through her parents' insurance and they will inevitably see a bill for it. And this is one of those things you should share before they get the bill instead of afterwards when they come to you with questions and huge concern over nothing.

 

[5pintshefound]

not sure about civvilian insurances, but i know my insurance {the dreaded TRICARE for themilitary} sends EOBs with the absolute bare minimum on them?!?!? like it would say that i had been to a gyn, but thats it.. adn it lists that i bought meds, but doesnt say what..just howmuch was spent... like i said.. not sure about civillian insurances?!??!

 

[Willing and Unsure]

not sure about civvilian insurances, but i know my insurance {the dreaded TRICARE for themilitary} sends EOBs with the absolute bare minimum on them?!?!? like it would say that i had been to a gyn, but thats it.. adn it lists that i bought meds, but doesnt say what..just howmuch was spent... like i said.. not sure about civillian insurances?!??!

my parents get a listing of any tests that were done... and then they have to have the prescription receipts for the insurance so that they can get the proper amounts for my pills (most insurance companies wont cover bcp's.. mine has to be mailed in and then they send me a check back).

 

[abbey_kyle]

I think EJFan has offered some great advice here, the real core of the issue which is showing your parents how much of an adult you are.

I just want to mention something I am not sure many know: oral contraceptives are not always covered by health insurance. There is no law in the US that requires it so many insurance carries seldom cover the full cost, if any. Viagra, yes. Oral contraceptives, no. It is one of the many issues that those of us working in women's reproductive health care are still fighting for.

Good luck.

 

[SweetErika]

I'd go with the idea of going to the doctor for an annual exam because you need one at this age, discuss the pill with the doc, and telling your parents s/he recommended it for health reasons (you can list a few benefits if necessary, but I'd stick with realistic ones like skin, less painful periods, etc.). If they ask about sex, either lie or tell the truth, but it's really none of their business what you're doing responsibly with your body, so avoidance and/or lying might be warranted in this situation.

If you're under a certain income level, you can get a free consult and pills at Planned Parenthood under their Take Charge program I believe. They won't just fill your prescription from your own doctor, but if it's a choice between using the pills and not, they'll help you work something out. It's completely confidential, so it's worth a call to your local clinic at least.

Another option for circumventing insurance is to have the prescription filled at school if your college has a health center. At my college, pills and condoms were ridiculously cheap at the Student Health center, and ANY doctor's prescription could be filled there. We could even see doctors for free since everyone had to pay the semester fee, so maybe you could look into that as well.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

I think EJFan has offered some great advice here, the real core of the issue which is showing your parents how much of an adult you are.

I just want to mention something I am not sure many know: oral contraceptives are not always covered by health insurance. There is no law in the US that requires it so many insurance carries seldom cover the full cost, if any. Viagra, yes. Oral contraceptives, no. It is one of the many issues that those of us working in women's reproductive health care are still fighting for.

Good luck.

there are some states that require insurance carriers to cover oral contraceptives. I know for a fact that Illinois does. There is even a huge bill board stating that on one of the major interstates to let people know.

 

[SweetErika]

there are some states that require insurance carriers to cover oral contraceptives. I know for a fact that Illinois does. There is even a huge bill board stating that on one of the major interstates to let people know.

Yep. It was a long battle, but Washington finally required insurance companies to cover them several years ago. Unfortunately, copays and deductibles often make them unaffordable, so Planned Parenthood, student health centers, or community clinics are the only option for a lot of people.

I just thought of one more source of free pills: the doctor. Several doctors have given me months and years worth of sample packs (a lot of times they expire before they're given away and the drug companies are thrilled to replenish supplies) when I've told them finances or insurance was a problem.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

I just thought of one more source of free pills: the doctor. Several doctors have given me months and years worth of sample packs (a lot of times they expire before they're given away and the drug companies are thrilled to replenish supplies) when I've told them finances or insurance was a problem.

yeah, student health centers or campus pharmacies will be cheaper. I know the ones I'm taking (Ortho Cyclen) is about $45 at Walgreens, but it's a whole $39 on campus. When I was talking with my doctor about it, she said the only difference in that price is the profit that Walgreens is making on it since we get the wholesale prices on bcp's on campus.

But I'll agree with you, when you're first starting out, you will most likely get samples if they have them. I know I did, and it was much appreciated since I was a bit on the clueless side of things when I first went for that annual checkup.

 

[Guest]

my first post! I’ve been lurking around for a while, much thanks to everyone who posts here you guys are helping far more people then those who directly ask the questions.
I’m 19, raised in a very up-tight family (i.e. no sex until marriage). I’m considering going on the Pill. I’m in college and still under my parents insurance, so there’s no going around them to get it, well I know about planned parenthood, but I don’t like the idea of sneaking around them. For the most part we have a very close relationship. The straight forward asking to go on birth control will most likely mean a huge argument over morals, she has no idea I’ve kissed a guy, much less had sex. I’ve already hinted around at the idea and have gotten nothing but a negative reaction from her. Does anyone have and advice on how to bring this up to my mother in a way that would not scream out ‘mom I’m having sex’? Granted, for her, this would be implied, but I would not like that to be the main issue.

Tell your mother you're having problems with your period, and that your doctor suggests going on the pill to help regulate it. Unless she calls your doctor to press him/her for info to verify that, you should be just fine.

 

[Weird Harold]

I’m 19, raised in a very up-tight family (i.e. no sex until marriage). I’m considering going on the Pill. I’m in college and still under my parents insurance, so there’s no going around them to get it,

Before you go on the Pill for the first time, you really should have an exam to make sure you don't have any problems the Pill might exacerbate.

Once you go in for an exam, you tell your mother, "I went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor presribed birth control pills."

Leave it at that simple statement if you can -- although mothers have been known to pry into every little detail and nuance of their children's behavior.

Even if your mother does rake you over the coals, you establish from the outset the idea that the Doctor made the decision you needed to be on the Pill and deflected her from the assumption you're <gasp> having Sex and put her in the mindset of associating the Pill with a medical treatment.

 

[SweetErika]

Tell your mother you're having problems with your period, and that your doctor suggests going on the pill to help regulate it. Unless she calls your doctor to press him/her for info to verify that, you should be just fine.

I wouldn't even matter if mom called the doctor to verify because the doctor won't discuss anything without express permission to do so. It might not be a bad idea to ask the doctor if mom can call with any questions about the non-sexual health benefits of the pill though, so you'll have a resource just in case she has questions.

 

[SweetErika]

yeah, student health centers or campus pharmacies will be cheaper. I know the ones I'm taking (Ortho Cyclen) is about $45 at Walgreens, but it's a whole $39 on campus. When I was talking with my doctor about it, she said the only difference in that price is the profit that Walgreens is making on it since we get the wholesale prices on bcp's on campus.

But I'll agree with you, when you're first starting out, you will most likely get samples if they have them. I know I did, and it was much appreciated since I was a bit on the clueless side of things when I first went for that annual checkup.

Ours were much cheaper than that on campus, but I also went for generics many times, which cut the price down to about $10 a month.

 

[silverwhisper]

you could try talking to a favorite aunt or uncle, or other close relative or family friend even whose opinion you: 1) know that they respect, and 2) would be supportive of this decision, g et that person's insights.

ed

 

[ragdoll2992]

Thanks

Thank you all for your responses. It seems like talking with the doctor first would be a good idea, then telling her that the doctor recomends it to regulate my period. Then i'd have a legit medical reason and she can't argue with that.
All of your information was great, thanks

 

[Grizzman]

I didn't see these suggestions in any of the other posts so here goes.
I believe you can go to the schools health dept and get them really cheap and you won't need to use the parents insurance. Also, the local health clinic generally provides them very inexpensively. Either of these should get you the pills at or below what your parents insurance would have you pay.