How to .. be experienced, when you're not

[Bandit58]

It's all very good to know. I should stop beating myself up about it and thinking about it too much. Now, the problem I think would be finding a suitable candidate ... so have you tried to meet someone online for a fling or a physical relationship? What are your opinions and experiences on it? I would preferably like it to be with someone long-term .. well, like a fuck buddy .. instead of someone new every week. I think it'll take me far too long to get comfortable with a new person each and every time.

I met 2 out of the 3 lovers I've had online, when I wasn't even looking. The first was the guy I talked about in my first post, the second is an ass who doesn't know how to handle a lady (and who is an EX as we speak, not that we had much of a relationship to begin with) and the third is a guy I've known since we were kids and who has turned into a wonderful fuck buddy. I made the mistake with the second guy of not getting to know him properly before we jumped into bed. A month or two of online chat and phone calls at least for me these days!

I haven't tried meeting people at bars and clubs because I'm rather shy (though people who know me well say that's just my guard being up because of the bad time with the ex husband). I've only been out in the big wide world for 18 months and a year of that was spent with that first lover, so I'm not that experienced myself yet

 

[Sphinx220]

Not worth wasting time over...

Darlin'...take advantage of your newfound freedom and don't waste another second thinking about the ass...Any man who makes you feeled flawed isn't worth the cheap cologne he's wearin'...

Relax...have fun...let yourself enjoy every avenue your fantasies take you...and whatever you do...don't ever....and I repeat ever...let any man put you down...there are too many of us nice guys around to settle for one of the assholes that give us a bad name

Sphinx

 

[lena]

I met 2 out of the 3 lovers I've had online, when I wasn't even looking. The first was the guy I talked about in my first post, the second is an ass who doesn't know how to handle a lady (and who is an EX as we speak, not that we had much of a relationship to begin with) and the third is a guy I've known since we were kids and who has turned into a wonderful fuck buddy. I made the mistake with the second guy of not getting to know him properly before we jumped into bed. A month or two of online chat and phone calls at least for me these days!

I haven't tried meeting people at bars and clubs because I'm rather shy (though people who know me well say that's just my guard being up because of the bad time with the ex husband). I've only been out in the big wide world for 18 months and a year of that was spent with that first lover, so I'm not that experienced myself yet

What you wrote could have been written by me. I'm shy too and have never met anyone, ever .. outside. Guys don't even hit on me .. in all my 25 years. Why, i don't know .. i'm okay looking but probably am too reserved. And I don't go to places like bars, clubs and such, either.

This guy was my first bf/love and we did talk a lot (for about a year & a half) before meeting. And this was all totally sexual talk, we did meet on Literotica. And then only got physical a few months ago. I practically had to beg him for it - his excuse was always 'I don't have protection'. So one day I showed up prepared and wore him down But it didn't turn out to be amazing because I didn't turn him on enough .. oh well. And after that, he avoided being physical with me .. for days. Then finally hours before he was going to leave it was the same case, not turning him on enough. So from my little experience of sex is that I enjoy it immensely but wish i could turn the guy on to last longer.

Is it wrong to discuss this things with other people? I'm totally analytical and want to learn from my mistakes. I've asked him for answers but he's never given me any .. he just says "sex isn't all that important to me" when in fact, before that we were blazing up the phone lines, emails, whatever. Plus I can't quite confide in friends, family here ... sex is a whole repressive thing and in fact ... shh.. i'm not supposed to have done it

Thanks for listening.

 

[Bandit58]

Lena......it sounds like he could talk the talk but not walk the walk exactly like my second lover. He is good at talking about sex but when it comes down to the actual doing he has NO clue how to treat a lady. He's too rough, too quick and has no idea how to turn a woman on.

You say you didn't turn him on enough......I can't believe that. It sounds like your sexuality intimidated him when it really came to the crunch. There are lots of guys out there who would love to help you discover yourself, I've been lucky and found a couple of the good ones, and soon I'm going to stay with someone who has become very special to me (also met here on Lit) and hope to discover much more.

I was repressed too hon......for a very long time. I was raised to only have sex with someone you were going to marry, and I did keep my marriage vows for close to 24 years. Never mind the emotional abuse that went on almost all that time. To come to Lit and talk with open minded people has helped me immensely. Just see how many have posted to this thread you started..... As far as I can see the only mistake you made was in choosing the wrong person to be with, and I can relate to that.....Good luck and hugs to you

 

[ReadyOne]

It's a seller's market out there!

Women who go looking online get flooded with answers to their ad. It can be interesting sorting through the chaff to find the wheat.

And yes, there are good guys.

I can't give you a magic formula to tell them apart, and anything you can find in real life (e.g. married hiding a wife) will also show online. But after you weed out the "Hi, lets fuck?" one liners, I'd assume the person is legit until proven otherwise. However I'd be watching like a hawk for any clue about the guy, obtain verifiable information about him, and do a "safe meeting" early to weed out the cyber onlies.

Verifiable information is something that could track him down as well as prove he is reliable and willing to put skin into the game. As the guy, he gets to go first with places he haunts, employer, classmates, what ever is appropriate.

I've done a "first meeting" using lunch with office buddies. I told her how to find our group at the usual watering hole, and said her I'd introduce her as someone I'd been introduced to at a dance or church or friend of a friend. She walked by the table, stayed a couple of minutes before moving on, and said it was a unique way to see me "in context".

Another played "who do you know that I know" with me until we found a common person, who turned out to be an internal customer of mine in the very large organization I worked for.

I met one person in a store and told her who I worked for. She tracked me down, left messages, and eventually talked to my boss down when I wouldn't return her calls. I had to explain how/why this "crazy" kept calling the office. I share information pretty freely, and this is the worst thing that ever happened.

My spouse decided I was legit and worth pursuing after looking at my home page with my resume and pictures of myself and kids in various activates (like scouts) plus a page of pithy sayings that I find humorous.

There are lots of articles about safe meetings, especially on the dating sites.

 

[pplwatching]

Lena,

The title of this thread says a lot; you want to be something that you're not. I think that you've been sold a bill of goods. Sex is a wonderful part of a healthy relationship. I'm sorry that you have learned a hard lesson, but trying to base a relationship on sex is a very painful dead end. You wrote that your online relationship was all sex talk. Moving from a great online sex to a face to face relationship destroys all of the wonderful mental pictures that you've drawn of the other person. You drew a bad card and wound up with a guy who couldn't deal with that, and who probably had some other issues with women. It's not unheard of for men to establish control in a relationship by manipulating self esteem. At best you never would have pleased him, and at worst you would have wound up codependant. Consider yourself lucky that he's out of your life.

None of us likes to be rejected, and sometimes it's easier to build a wall than to leave ourselves open to being hurt again. It's clear from reading your posts that you are looking for someone who finds you desirable in more ways than just sexually. The problem is that when you find that man, you are going to have to find a way to tear down a wall that you've learned to depend on.

All this talk of fuck buddies gives me the willies. If you can look inside of yourself and say that all you really want is commitment-free sex, then maybe it's a good option for you (my personal feelings on the matter aside). If when it's all said and done you really want a great relationship with great sex that makes you feel desired, wanted, and loved then stop and reconsider. In my not so humble opinion you need to take a step back from looking at sex as the key to the garden, because it's not (no matter what the media would have us all believe). It's a long and loney road, but you need to resolve yourself to looking for someone who's going to respect, love, and nurture you and your relationship. That means doing a lot of listening as well. Find someone who shares your views and beliefs first, and then build a sexual relationship that makes both of you blush.

Here's an anecdote for you. When I was in school, I was an introvert and I really didn't think girls gave me more than a passing glance. I recently went to my 20 year high school reunion (okay, I'm an old fart now). In passing a woman that I'd had a crush on in HS told me that she had always hoped that I would ask her out. She said that she had dropped hints the size of elephants. I was oblivious. It all depends on how you see it. Maybe you should start by learning to flirt.

If there's a kernel of truth in there, I hope that it helps.

 

[mrs.jeepman6]

I have to agree with pplwatching. I can tell you that before I met my husband I had a lot of "fuck buddies." I can honestly say that all during my childhood my selfesteem took a beating but thats another story that we don't need to go into here. I lost my virginity when I was 17 and soon discovered that sex was one way I could use to be accepted. It was a blank acceptance at best. I went through alot of depression during that period of time and always thought the sex was the best way to go about getting rid of all my demons until I met my husband and he accepted me for me with all my faults. It has taken years to build that self esteem up in myself and realize that I can't use others to build myself up.

You say this man (and I use this term lightly) says you didn't turn him on. Sweetie I've seen your pics and you can turn on a rock. The problem with him is that you intimidated him and he couldn't handle it. You're sexual and he isn't. You're all the things he isn't and probably never will be. Find yourself a man you can get to know before you have sex with him. Find a man that can give as well as recieve. Find a man that is patient and doesn't want to control you the way this other guy did. Be open and honest with him and you will find what you are looking for. Good luck and feel free to pm me if you'd like to chat.

 

[lena]

I guess it's because I've always been a pessimist. I mean all my life guys have never been lining up outside my door. And I don't expect that to change. I don't know why that is but it's always been that way. So I was kind of holding on to this guy thinking that he'll be the only guy who would ever want me .. that he would be my only chance of happiness. And I was very very happy with him, besides the sex issue which i thought we could have worked on in time .. if he gave me the chance. So now I'm kind of holding to the thought that I'll forever be alone, die alone etc. etc. I know how difficult it is to find a 'good man' and all that stuff your mom and aunts tell you ... so yeah, I am trying to be content with being alone. I don't want to go through another relationship and another breakup and another rejection, on top of that. That's why it's important to me .. to be 'experienced' because I don't think I'll ever fall in love again .. i just need someone to get physical with once in awhile. I'm not sure whether I can do it but i think if i need to, i will.

 

[bitslinger]

. . .

 

[DuckLover]

I'll suggest something else I haven't yet seen mentioned. When you said that you "didn't excite him enough" I interpreted that to mean that he did not become erect, or did not maintain his erection. While intimidation is certainly one possibility for that problem, another is simply stress. As Sheath and others stated, meeting someone for the first time, especially when you know that sex is expected is enormously stressful, and that stress alone can be enough to kill an erection. It happened to me the first couple times I got together with my fuck-buddy in college. It had nothing to do with how attracted I was to her, and fortunately she understood. We went on to have a very satisfying fling for over a year. I'm not saying your situation was caused by stress alone, merely that it's a possibility.

I mean all my life guys have never been lining up outside my door. And I don't expect that to change. I don't know why that is but it's always been that way. So I was kind of holding on to this guy thinking that he'll be the only guy who would ever want me

No offense, but that's a load of crap. Don't believe it for a minute. There are dozens of reasons why guys aren't lining up outside your door-- including: it's not socially acceptable to hound a woman like that, they are oblivious to your signals (as in Pplwatching's case), they are intimidated by your beauty or popularity, fear of rejection, fear of ridicule by their friends... the list goes on and on. You ARE an attractive and interesting woman (perhaps you noticed all the feedback to your pics?) and I promise you there are plenty of guys out the who are interested in you. Don't give up.

So now I'm kind of holding to the thought that I'll forever be alone, die alone etc. etc... I don't want to go through another relationship and another breakup and another rejection... I don't think I'll ever fall in love again

It can sure seem that way, can't it? The first serious breakup is always the worst, especially if it's the first lover too. It took me well over 2 years to fully get over mine. It felt like the entire world collapsed around me, sucking me into an infinitely deep pit of darkness and cold. I felt worthless, undesirable, unlovable. The easiest way to cope was to form a shell, to reject all thoughts of initimacy, all emotional connection. That works in the sense that it gives you time to heal. I know it may not be visible right now, but there IS a light at the end of this tunnel. With time, your pain will dull. It won't ever completely go away; part of you will always remember him and miss him. But eventually you won't notice it nearly at all. And that's when you find some wonderful person right in front of you. ("When the student is ready, the master will appear" kind of thing) You aren't going to be alone forever. One day you will again fall in love, and you will be more successful because of your past experience.

Keep in mind that even now you aren't alone. You still have your family and your friends. Now is the time to lean on them for support; that's a big part of their purpose. You don't have to tell them you two were sexually active, just that you were dating, got very close, and the breakup was devastating to you. Go out with your girlfriends and bitch about men; hold a party to burn mementos of him; get active. It doesn't matter what you go do, but spend time with people. It'll help. I promise.

If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me. Hang in there; you'll make it. *HUG*