How To: Confess

[Beowulf86]

(Sorry if this is a double post, i timed out while writing this)
Well, first off, i want to say this is my first time posting on this sight; honestly i just wanted a fresh view on my question, since i've asked many friends of mine and pretty much gotten the same response from all of them.

Ok, so im a 20 year old guy, bout 5-10, normal build, normal, well, average is more like it. I dont stand out but im not invisible. But that's besides the point.

I have a very dear friend of mine, me and her have been thick as theives since the 4th grade or so. We are probably closer than any married couple would ever be. We watch the same movies together, we laugh at the same inside jokes, god , weve even slept together (not in the sexual way, we often just fall asleep with each other).
However, recently (about the last year or so, could have been longer) i think i may have been falling in love with her, and badly. Every thing that came so normal to us seems so awkward to me now. Her touch was like electricity to my bones. It scares me to think that i may be falling for someone this hard, and not being able to do anything about it.
My problem is that i don't know if she thinks of us as friends or possibly more than that. I have helped her through soooo many bad relationships and her with me. Honestly, if i were to tell her how i truly felt, i dont know what kind of response i would get, and if our relationship would ever turn out the same as it was, or better, or worse...
I know this sounds totally cliched to everyone probably, but its my story (in a nutshell). Ive told my closest friends about my predicament, and they've all told me to just state my feelings clear and simple to her, but I honestly dont think its that easy in my situation.
Im not expecting an earth-shocking answer from this forum, but it's just a fresh look on things. I enjoy reading the stories on here, not just for the sexual content, but for the sheer fact that these people on here know how to
write a damn good love story. Im a bit of a romantic if you cant tell.
Cheers, and thanks for reading,
"A"

 

[lindahotstuff]

Just talk to her.
If you are as close as you say you are, she will give you an honest answer. Either (a) she will tell you she feels the same way; or (b) she sees you as a friend, not a lover. If the answer is (a) the risk is that you become lovers and things don't work out, in which case it will be difficult to be 'just friends' again (probably impossible). If the answer is (b) you have to accept that, and hopefully you can continue as before, although it may strain the relationship. Not saying anything is not an option as she will know that your feelings have developed and your lack of honesty may destroy the relationship altogether. But understand that we women can prefer a really good friend to a lover. It's not the same thing to us at all. Good luck!

 

[genuineloveman]

Don't talk, do it

Do not talk to her, just show her your feelings. When you are together alone and the mood is right, caress her and kiss her, while paying attention to her reactions. Or, while giving her a massage kiss her and see how she reacts. If you ask her she might respond negatively even though she wants you, but if you act she won't freak out, because you are her best friend. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful love. I went through something similar and we are married now.

 

[DevilsAngel369]

Do not talk to her, just show her your feelings. When you are together alone and the mood is right, caress her and kiss her, while paying attention to her reactions. Or, while giving her a massage kiss her and see how she reacts. If you ask her she might respond negatively even though she wants you, but if you act she won't freak out, because you are her best friend. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful love. I went through something similar and we are married now.

I dont have any advice other than what's been said. Wish you all the best. Nothing more wonderful than friends falling in love!

 

[Beowulf86]

thanks

You guys have truly been a big help. You've pretty much concreted what I already knew, I just needed someone to tell it to me. Two more weeks till finals are over and i can see her again...going to be the two longest weeks of my life.
Thanks again,
"A"

 

[PrinceM]

why dont you have a mutual friend, ask her, in kind a joking way. something like "hey, when are you two gonna just hook up and get it over wtih?" and then see her reaction to it. then that friend comes and tells you what she said or did in reaction. seems kind of high school, but then if she comes and tells you, play dumb and laugh about it, or if you get a response from your mutual friend something like "she said it'll never happen." then you just try and go on with life as usual, and contain your feelings.

 

[Beowulf86]

hahaha

its funny because, she's actually joked about us going out before, but i never really picked up on it before. (Like i said, im pretty hard-headed when it comes to picking up subtle messages, like most men are.) Its been eating at me for like the last two weeks because we are literally half way across the world from each other in college. shes in southern california, and im in northern new england. We email each other semi-frequently but almost never get to talk on the phone. When we do, we are both usually on the way out. Two more weeks of finals...longest two weeks ever.
Thanks for help guys
"A"

 

[subwannabe]

Your relationship has already changed because it is affecting you. I agree with your friends, just find the right moment and open up and talk about it. I'm betting she is in the exact same dilemma and afraid to bring it up with you. It sounds to me like you are both mature enough to handle it if the other says they want to just remain friends. Then it will be over, in the past, and things can go on as they were. Good luck.

 

[VFaulkon]

I think, if you two are as close as you say you are, just tell her. Be sincere, but DO NOT assume she'll say yes. Believe me, I know the fear of risking making a friendship really awkward, but do you really want to continue feeling the way you are now, all tense and uncertain around her?

Honesty is the key. Think carefully about how you feel about her, then tell her what you feel. Make sure you let her know (if this is honestly how you feel) that you don't want things to be weird between you two, which you already told us you don't, and that no matter her decision you still care about her as a friend. Like Linda said, if you two really have been through that much and you approach this maturely and openly, she won't want to lose her friendship with you either and will at the very least continue to hang out with you.


If she says no to your advance, drop the issue as soon as the conversation is over. Do your best to let go of those romantic feelings for her and let things go back to normal. If you still act all nervous around her after the talk, she'll pick up on that and will probably feel weird around you as well, but not in a good way. Odds are you won't get over the rejection overnight, but if she's patient and you handle yourself properly, it'll smooth over eventually.

This is all stuff my therapist has told me (I was kind of in the same boat as you), and it's worked out pretty well for me so far. Just remember, honesty honesty honesty. As long as you can respect her and her decision, whatever it is, it'll work out alright.

And remember, there's always the chance that she'll say yes. Don't go in prepared for that answer, but there's still the chance she feels the same way as you. Also, if she says yes but feels nervous about what the future holds for you two, don't worry so much about it. Remember (and you may have to remind her), you two have been friends for over ten years now, and so far so good. Changing from BFF to SO isn't a complete transformation of the relationship, so take any changes a little bit at a time. It'll take a little time to explore the new extended boundaries of your relationship.


Final piece of advice: Go with what YOU think is right. What I, Linda, or any other poster here has to say is not to be taken as gospel. This is your friend and your life, so you have to make the final decision. Besides, there's always the outside chance that we're wrong, y'know. Especially me; I'm smart, but hardly an expert on relationships.

You already know what you want to do. You just to convince yourself to do it, and that's entirely up to you, mate. Good luck!

 

[KokopelliRises]

I think, if you two are as close as you say you are, just tell her. Be sincere, but DO NOT assume she'll say yes. Believe me, I know the fear of risking making a friendship really awkward, but do you really want to continue feeling the way you are now, all tense and uncertain around her?

Honesty is the key. Think carefully about how you feel about her, then tell her what you feel. Make sure you let her know (if this is honestly how you feel) that you don't want things to be weird between you two, which you already told us you don't, and that no matter her decision you still care about her as a friend. Like Linda said, if you two really have been through that much and you approach this maturely and openly, she won't want to lose her friendship with you either and will at the very least continue to hang out with you.


If she says no to your advance, drop the issue as soon as the conversation is over. Do your best to let go of those romantic feelings for her and let things go back to normal. If you still act all nervous around her after the talk, she'll pick up on that and will probably feel weird around you as well, but not in a good way. Odds are you won't get over the rejection overnight, but if she's patient and you handle yourself properly, it'll smooth over eventually.

This is all stuff my therapist has told me (I was kind of in the same boat as you), and it's worked out pretty well for me so far. Just remember, honesty honesty honesty. As long as you can respect her and her decision, whatever it is, it'll work out alright.

And remember, there's always the chance that she'll say yes. Don't go in prepared for that answer, but there's still the chance she feels the same way as you. Also, if she says yes but feels nervous about what the future holds for you two, don't worry so much about it. Remember (and you may have to remind her), you two have been friends for over ten years now, and so far so good. Changing from BFF to SO isn't a complete transformation of the relationship, so take any changes a little bit at a time. It'll take a little time to explore the new extended boundaries of your relationship.


Final piece of advice: Go with what YOU think is right. What I, Linda, or any other poster here has to say is not to be taken as gospel. This is your friend and your life, so you have to make the final decision. Besides, there's always the outside chance that we're wrong, y'know. Especially me; I'm smart, but hardly an expert on relationships.

You already know what you want to do. You just to convince yourself to do it, and that's entirely up to you, mate. Good luck!

Wonderful advice. I couldn't give better.

 

[Cathleen]

Excellent post, VFaulkon.

Honesty is the best way. I have been in a similar kind of situation. One of my best friends of 16+ years is a man, we became instant best friends. Many of our friends just thought we were a couple, I recall more than a couple of times we went shopping for cameras, appliances etc and the salesperson assumed I was his wife and did he need my approval (or permission - which was very fun for me) and so on.

So one night we talked about. Flat our honesty, yes we loved each other and loved spending time together, blah, blah, blah. We took some time to think about it, once when taking a hike we held hands which was not our usual behavior (except when the going was rough and I'm klutzy) and it just felt different but we tried. I think I asked him if he wanted to kiss and I remember we just laughed. We knew then we were best as best friends.

It was good to do for us. I think it was also important too. We both are grateful, although I think he's more grateful! lol I'm not easy to deal with, I tell him he's just lucky.

Be honest, and no matter what, you can still have your friendship if the answer is no, it just might take a few nervous laughs at and with each other. Good luck and you better come back and tell us what happened!

Welcome to Lit to all the new folks here - it's nice to read more minds.

 

[Beowulf86]

Re:

honestly, its more about me just expressing my feelings to her. If it works out, ill be ecstatic. If it doesn't, yeah i'll probably be hurt for a bit, but i'll get over the fact that she doesn't see me that way...hopefully. We've been friends for so long we can get through some awkwardness (i hope).
once again, thanks for the help. 7 more days!
"A"

 

[culloden]

Twenty years ago, I was in your shoes. She and I danced around the issue for two years before we got together, because of exactly the same concerns you've expressed. We've been married 19 years now, and that's the best thing in my life. I hope she reciprocates your feelings.

 

[subwannabe]

I really believe things will work out for you and you will be happy for the rest of your life.

 

[Beowulf86]

wow, thanks haha. I'm not expecting things to be perfect, but you guys have definitely given me that lil push of confidence i need. praying for the best always.

 

[sugarishere]

Ya'll are young. Talk --not some looooong drawn out shit. Simply say that you have feelings for her. She may or may not share 'em. If she turns you down and still want to be friends then do, but only if you can move on and put her in the friend/sister column. Me and my friend did this when we were about your age, we've been good friends ever since (20 years) and I can honestly tell you NEITHER of us EVER want to have sex with each other --and it is NEVER weird. Can be weird when we start dating a new person who can't understand why we are so close (travel together etc.). But not weird when we date 'grown ups.' I'm absolutely in love with my friend's new g-friend --just spent a week with them at the beach (no 3-way weirdness --just cool vibe).

But, if you want to have sex with her plus dream about the day that she will want more from you, then can't really be just friends can you?

But, I bet things will work out for you --that's my gut

 

[thirty]

Do not talk to her, just show her your feelings. When you are together alone and the mood is right, caress her and kiss her, while paying attention to her reactions. Or, while giving her a massage kiss her and see how she reacts. If you ask her she might respond negatively even though she wants you, but if you act she won't freak out, because you are her best friend. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful love. I went through something similar and we are married now.

That's exactly what I want to say, buddy!

If you are falling in love with someone, you don't have to "say" it vocally, somethime, I believe she can even read just a blink of your eyes.
From eye contact to "accidently" touch to kiss, you may try to find out how far you can go gradually.

I'd say that you have a good chance to get the girl, since she could "sleep" with you, it was a intimacy much more than friendship.

 

[VFaulkon]

I have to disagree with genuineloveman and thirty on this one. It's really nice to believe in all the 'romantic movie' stuff like the gradual hand-touch (believe me, I know ), but this isn't some cheesy chick flick. We're talking about your best friend for, what, ten years? If you suddenly switch on her from 'best friend' to 'Casanova', you're going to weird her out and probably scare her off.

The reason friends can make good SOs is because you already know and trust each other. You don't have to go through all the same bullshit you would with a new girl. In fact, your friend would probably be insulted if you tried that sudden smooch business, because it would be breaking her trust with and understanding of what kind of person you are. She's expecting you to be honest and forthcoming with your feelings, and trying to pull something like this will blow that straight to hell.

Plus, that smooch carries a certain feeling of assured success with it; it assumes that, as soon as you smooch her, she'll be yours forever. That's not only inaccurate, it can be pretty damn insulting, ESPECIALLY if she doesn't feel the same way.

A lot of people use the sudden smooch to force themselves into a situation where they can talk about their romantic feelings. It's a neat trick, but very dangerous. If you really trust your friend not to tear you a new one when you confess, you just need to buck up a little confidence before talking with her. You do trust her, right?

She's your friend, and you're both adults - young adults, but adults regardless - so act calmly and maturely about this. Just talk to her. No smooching until after she says yes, y'hear me?

 

[thirty]

I have to disagree with genuineloveman and thirty on this one. It's really nice to believe in all the 'romantic movie' stuff like the gradual hand-touch (believe me, I know ), but this isn't some cheesy chick flick. We're talking about your best friend for, what, ten years? If you suddenly switch on her from 'best friend' to 'Casanova', you're going to weird her out and probably scare her off.

The reason friends can make good SOs is because you already know and trust each other. You don't have to go through all the same bullshit you would with a new girl. In fact, your friend would probably be insulted if you tried that sudden smooch business, because it would be breaking her trust with and understanding of what kind of person you are. She's expecting you to be honest and forthcoming with your feelings, and trying to pull something like this will blow that straight to hell.

Plus, that smooch carries a certain feeling of assured success with it; it assumes that, as soon as you smooch her, she'll be yours forever. That's not only inaccurate, it can be pretty damn insulting, ESPECIALLY if she doesn't feel the same way.

A lot of people use the sudden smooch to force themselves into a situation where they can talk about their romantic feelings. It's a neat trick, but very dangerous. If you really trust your friend not to tear you a new one when you confess, you just need to buck up a little confidence before talking with her. You do trust her, right?

She's your friend, and you're both adults - young adults, but adults regardless - so act calmly and maturely about this. Just talk to her. No smooching until after she says yes, y'hear me?

I'm not her to argue.

It's not a either white or black situation, we can not say which is "correct" and which is "wrong". It depends.

I don't think a sudden smooch is a good idea, it should be done gradually, I mean he should know if he should kiss her step by step. I mean if she can accept a hand touching, then go to her waist, her hair...

When two people are getting together, they can really "feel" each other, if theyl love each other, they can feel it before one of them confess. I don't think confess can be something surprising.

 

[rachelqueenT]

.....

 

[Beowulf86]

re

I've got three more days of finals (at least we've got some nice weather 70's all day) ive been thinking and rethinking everything the last few days, and maybe its just the stress from 6 finals, but my head feels like it's going to explode. My goddamn head wont stop thinking that each and every thing that could possibly go wrong will go wrong. But thats just me, this is going to happen no matter what the consequence because honestly, i cant hold anything in anymore.
/sigh
I'll be sure to keep y'all up to date no matter what the outcome is
thanks once again for the many helpful responses
yours truly,
"A"

 

[PoeticMusings53]

Way way way way way too complex

Alcohol. Movie. Move. Sex. Relationship.

You have the spiritual/romantic/friendship side down, now its just a question of generating her zeal for your organ.

 

[Pen_Dragon]

Way way way way way too complex

Alcohol. Movie. Move. Sex. Relationship.

You have the spiritual/romantic/friendship side down, now its just a question of generating her zeal for your organ.

Or you could just slip her a roofie.

 

[PoeticMusings53]

Or you could just slip her a roofie.

I see I have upset Mr. Pen Dragon. I'm sorry you lack confidence.

There's nothing wrong with a glass of wine, a romantic movie, and a sexual advance; its called "dating".

 

[Pen_Dragon]

I see I have upset Mr. Pen Dragon. I'm sorry you lack confidence.

There's nothing wrong with a glass of wine, a romantic movie, and a sexual advance; its called "dating".

It's called getting laid. And it's an important part of the process, sure. He said that he didn't have the romatic side down yet. I'm not sure trying to get directly into her pants is the right way to go. Maybe it is; I guess it depends on the girl, her feelings for him, and how she'd react to a sexual advance as opposed to a romantic gesture.

I'd probably try and let her know how I feel first, but not in a bleeding heart way. If she seems to dig you in a romantic way like she digs you as a friend, then I'd definitely make a move from there.