How to deal with Shyness !!!

[TirelessTongue]

All throughout my life, I've been too shy. I'm never good in social situations due to my childhood upbringing. I haven't dated in highschool, or have had much luck meeting and talking to women in social situations such as bars, clubs, and elsewhere.

Are there drugs or anything to help? Anyone have any suggestions? Being single is getting to me and I find it harder to get a date or even impress somebody. I just turned 30 years of age, and I can pass for early 20's.

I'd like to hear from people who have had similar problems and have dealt with this kind of problem successfully.

 

[Xt4cY]

i can't really say i've delt with it successfully, but i was a completely loner and geek in high school. Then i realized that most guys are average looking like me, so what's really the difference? I have a great job a car and most things that people of my age dream of, or their parents get it for them. The trick is to be your self and put the best foot forward. Most girls are still stuck in the old days when guy has to do everything, so therefore u are forced to do everything. You gotta relax and not be affraid to talk to girls. They are only human just like you and me. The worst that can happen is they say no. Their loss really. There's no real reason to be shy, we just concentrate on insecurities instead of concentrating on our good sides and leveraging them to our benefit. Basically just be your self, be smart and chat alot online if you're shy in person. Then slowly try to translate that into real life. Try approacing random girls and saying hi.

Club is the worst place to do it at because it's too distracting and I don't enjoy yelling at someone while trying to get to know them. It's easier to walk up to a girl at random locations like a store for example and just mention something about what they are doing. Or ask for their opinion on something. According to some studies average guy going for the hottest girls out there has about 10% success rate. Only cure for shyness is practice. Get used to getting shut down, but when you will met someone perfect. It'll all be worth it in the end

Another good idea is humor, girls absolutely adore a guy that can entertain. If you manage to get a girl to laugh, you already got one foot in the door. After that just talk and get to know her.

 

[phoenix1224]

*oops... double post... look down for reply*

 

[phoenix1224]

I used to be painfully shy, myself...

I just had to force myself into uncomfortable situations (like parties where I hardly knew anyone) and converse with people (total strangers)... It took a lot of time and practise, but it eventually became much easier...

I'm still a bit shy... Kinda quiet... But, for some reason, women see me being quiet as me being 'mysterious'... Hell, most of the time, women approach ME...

It seems like your shyness might be stemming from some insecurities... Women can smell it a mile a way (and they HATE insecure men)... Confidence is the key...

If you don't have any confidence now, start to fake it... You'll be surprised at how many women will notice YOU, and actually approach YOU... And, in time, you won't have to FAKE that confidence anymore... You'll actually HAVE it...

 

[SIC]

Hey, I was never really a shy person per say but i couldnt go up to a girl to save my life i always felt like a retard.

Then the guy next door/my boss we were talking about how to meet girl and all kinda of stuff and he made me change so much. He said it like this " what do you have to loss"? There will be times when girls will be rude and make you feel like your not even there but who cares ? Just say to yourself there not worth my "TIME" and move on to the next one. If one girl says no move on to the next its not a big deal dont take it the wrong way. Just go on.

When he told me this i thought about it for a couple day and one morning i woke up to goto work and i thought to myself "What do i got to lose" absoulty nothing. So that night we went to the bar and i just start talking to all type of girl and dance with them. The first couple of time no i didnt walk away with any numbers so what its not a big deal.

Now we goto the bar and other place and i have no problem picking up girls at all. I did a 360 and now my friends are like how are you doing this and they get all mad if i pick up 3 different girls in one night.

I dont know why i was ever shy i had a girlfriend all the time and i never had to ask them they always came to me. I my last relationship i was with her for 2 year and i had know idea how to go about picking up girls and it sucked. But a soon as i thought about what is it going to hurt i do it all the time.

There alot of different things you can say to a girls just go up to them and say hello to start it off and tell them your name and ask for there and just talk abit more and in no time they will start talking and just listen every girl loves to talk and tell you everything they did that day. Yeah alot of it is boring just go with it.

The guy that gets rejected the most gets the most number jusst remeber that!!!!!

There is so much i could write about how to go about meeting girls/women and if you want me to tell you more about how i do it then PM me.

L8er

 

[short_circutz]

I'm in the same boat, but it's not so much being shy, it's more of an issue with self confidence and self respect.

I too was an outcast in high school, and elementary school. I was always teased, and bullied. Friends were almost non existant in elementary school, and very few in high school. I didn't get my first g/f until I was 18, and lost my virginity at 19.

I've always been a caring guy. I always hear the women talking about how bad this guy is and how bad that guy is, how this other guy treated them badly/abused them, and how badly the guys treat them. Meanwhile, I go home night after night alone.

I've been single for over a year now, with no prospects even close to being in sight. My last two relationships started out with a friend setting me up. One lasted over 5 years, the last one 5 months.

I'm going nuts from the loneliness. I'm really depressed tonight because once again, I'm sitting here alone with no one to share anything wth. No one to cuddle with, watch a movie with, talk about lthings that happened to each of us, etc.

I'm at the end of my string and have no idea what the fuck to do. All I know is it's getting harder and harder to deal with the loneliness.

 

[ImGonnaLive4eva]

if u want drugs then try ecstasy or cocaine. E makes u love everyone and talk random crap for ages, and coke makes u feel invincible so u wont be worried about being shy.

 

[lorddragonwolf]

All throughout my life, I've been too shy. I'm never good in social situations due to my childhood upbringing. I haven't dated in highschool, or have had much luck meeting and talking to women in social situations such as bars, clubs, and elsewhere.

Are there drugs or anything to help? Anyone have any suggestions? Being single is getting to me and I find it harder to get a date or even impress somebody. I just turned 30 years of age, and I can pass for early 20's.

I'd like to hear from people who have had similar problems and have dealt with this kind of problem successfully.

i was shy in school until i joined a youth group and had to get up and teach classes or speak in front of large groups of people god i hated it at first but then it just came naturally.

 

[Felt Tip]

Are there drugs or anything to help?

Try Rohypnol



Noo, before everyone trys to tear me a new one, I was just kidding. You can't set up a joke like that up and not expect someone to take it.
*Hopes I didn't cause offence*



Anyway, proper advice:

I think it's important to work out whether you're shy or have low self-esteem.
That was easy for me, as I was both
Once you know the problem, you can work to correct it.

If it's low self-esteem, take an honest look at yourself, and an honest look at everyone else. I found that I'd been judging myself by far harsher standards than I would anyone else. Realising this helped me lighten up on myself a bit.

Then focus on your strong points, think about what you've got going for you, and what you might try to improve.
Then improve it. You can find a way.


For shyness, you can gradually seek to become more outgoing. How? By doing it.
Start with small steps - when dealing with a deep-set problem there isn't always a quick fix, but improving slowly but steadily will get you where you want to be.

Do you always make eye contact with people when you talk to them ? If not, do. I read somewhere that the 'perfect' ratio is 2/3 time eye contact to 1/3 looking elsewhere. Seek to hold eye contact for a short while, then glance somewhere else, look at her chin for a couple of seconds, whatever.

Smile at people. While making eye contact.

From there build up to a couple of words. Say 'Hi' to the girl at the check-out, or whoever.
From there build up to lame small talk. Nice weather dude.

Then you go on to making proper conversations with strangers you meet.
And would you look at that - you're not shy any more! That wasn't so bad.

(Note, don't just practice this with women you'd like to date. Take the pressure off yourself, do it with everyone, and when you do it with a hot girl, know that it doesn't have to lead to anything, don't expect it to.)


Other advice:

Women are attracted to confident men, and by conducting yourself as if you believe you're worth something, everyone will believe that you are.
You can fake confidence, with a bit of practice. As you get better at it you'll start to see positive results, and become confident for real.

I always found playing pool to be a good social crutch. You can go into a bar with a 'winner stays on' table, and every time you play you get to meet someone new (until you know everyone in the bar!)
Plus, if you are / become a decent player, people who might not otherwise give you the time of day will start to respect and like you even more. (I think it's a kind of similar thing to the confidence thing)

Also, how do you feel after 'striking out' with a girl ?
For me, although the knock-back isn't exactly nice (but nothing major if you look at it objectively), I'd got myself into such a position where even trying and failing felt pretty good - I'd overcome my nerves, and taken a step forward. I'd got knocked back, but I was proud of myself for at least trying.
Better to get knocked back than being too afraid to get up at all.



Heh, I think I need to take some of my own advice


Good luck, let us know how you get on, okay?

 

[Felt Tip]

Oh, youth groups - that reminds me,

Taking some sort of course, or something, will have you meeting new people, probably getting to know them all a bit, and have topics of conversation put there in front of you.

Much easier to meet people than in a random setting where you probably don't have so much in common, so much to talk about, or an environment so conducive to getting to know people.

 

[77Cobra]

Alcohol worked for me.But be careful that you don't go overboard like I did.I went from being shy to being a regular chatty cat to being an obnoxious ass.

 

[Ansi]

Yeah, I had the same issues with shyness and self-esteem. Still do, in fact. Crap.

As much as I'd like to give some advice, there's not much that I can do in that regard, considering how utterly unsuccessful I've been in dealing with my OWN problem. Bah.

Speaking from personal experience, the single biggest obstacle to dealing with things like this is a lack of self-dicipline. The most widely-accepted way of conquering personal fears (such as a fear of rejection, or fear of not being good enough, or just being afraid of pretty girls ) is to face them. Problem is, the fact that you ARE afraid means that only those with substantial self-dicipline and/or willpower can do such a thing on their own.

I know exactly what my problems are: I'm not physically attractive (I'm fat...damn...), I have very low self-esteem resulting from a *genuine* lack of talents/skills, and I have almost no previous experience interacting with girls. I can't really do anything about them, though. I have no desire to give up my laid-back, high-caloric lifestyle for the sake of dating (the trade-off just isn't worth it, sadly ). I really DO stink at most every activity there is outside of cyberspace (I hang out on the 'Net so often because it's the only place I'm halfway competent). And I can't overcome my nervousness over women without talking to them, which I can't do because they make me so terribly nervous (DAMN you, you painfully-cute she-devils! Why must you torment me so!?).

So, thanks to all these hangups, I'm dead scared of trying to get a date. The odds are VERY high that your run-of-the-mill girl off the street won't care to go out with me, whether it be my looks, my ineptitude, or just the fact that I can't seem to look her in the eye without breaking out in a cold sweat.

Now, logically the thing to do would be to just go out and TALK to these women; aside from actually getting a date (maybe), it would reduce my fears. So why don't I? Because I just can't MAKE myself ignore my nervousness. Aside from the fact that pretending to be confident when I'm not violates every personal philosophical code I believe in, I'm not a good enough actor to fake that sort of thing. After all, how can you pretend to not be nervous when the nervousness you're trying to hide is so powerful that it messes up your act? D'oh!


...but anyway, back on topic. I don't mean to seem like a party-pooper, but the fact is that a lot of advice about dealing with this problem just doesn't work, at least in my case. I'm willing to bet that it's the same for a lot of other people too.

So how DO you deal with it?

...beats me. If I knew that, I wouldn't be here b*tching about it.



So, does anyone know some different way to deal with shyness that doesn't involve ignoring your fear and/or being a big fat fraud? Maybe I'd feel better about dating if I really had anything to offer, but as I said, I'm thouroughly below-average in the looks and skill department (and the resulting lack of confidence is the final nail in the coffin).



On a side note, an altogether different problem is often a big factor with shyness - a real lack of social skills. Some people just aren't very good at making small talk, or maintaining eye contact, or speaking without stuttering, or what have you...and this can result in a similar reluctance to speak with people face-to-face. There are a few handy ways to improve said skills, or at least overcome them. For example, I have a great deal of difficulty maintaining eye contact when I'm nervous, so sometimes I wear sunglasses as an 'eye shield'. Yes, it might seem a bit rude, but it DOES work. If the other person asks about them, just admit that you're using them as a psychological crutch, and they probably won't mind it nearly as much.

Plus, they make you look cool.

 

[Kurupt]

Tireless Tongue..I PM'd you but i also want to add to your thread.

I suffer from depression, Low self esteem and no confidence in myself and completely shy around people.

When the depression kicks in, I feel the only way to stop all this pain is to put a end to life.

The past year i have gone out on dates that my friends girlfriend has set me up on and they never go past the first date.

Growing up i was always put down by my family..I could never do anything good enough for them to be happy..and even when i thought i did do good, it still wasn't good enough for them.

I am turning 26 in Aug and i am single with no sign of a girl in my life.

Like short circuit said above, All i want is a girl to cuddle with and laugh with..somebody that will accept me for me as i will them.

I blame my family for the way i am, I wish that i could have grown up like my friends and got gifts for going on to the next grade in school. Instead i was told that i get to go to the next grade, while all my friends were riding a new bike they got for summer break or new shoes or whatever.

I have completly lost touch with my whole family, I don't want nothing to do with them. They make me feel like i'm an outcast and not good enough to be part of the family..so i said fuck it..who needs them.

My life consists of... 2 friends that i live with, Work, Internet, My love for music and the occasional smoking weed.

I consider myself an outcast from the world..I was never shown any kind of affection growing up or now..so i honestly don't have feelings or care about too much.

I want to look into taking medication for my depression, But there is nothing i can take to heal the scars that my family has put deep inside me.

It's funny, The last girlfriend i had i tried being the perfect gentleman. I always put her needs before mine, I cuddled with her, I went shopping at the mall for hours everytime she wanted to go..I did everything that she wanted to do..and she still dumped me after 2 months.

Sometimes i don't really know what girls want in a guy.

So to sum it up..***** sucks in every aspect.

P.S.

I went off topic i know..But i don't have anybody in my life i can talk to, and it's easy to let it out on here.

Thanks.

 

[short_circutz]

Tireless Tongue..I PM'd you but i also want to add to your thread.

I suffer from depression, Low self esteem and no confidence in myself and completely shy around people.

When the depression kicks in, I feel the only way to stop all this pain is to put a end to life.

The past year i have gone out on dates that my friends girlfriend has set me up on and they never go past the first date.

Growing up i was always put down by my family..I could never do anything good enough for them to be happy..and even when i thought i did do good, it still wasn't good enough for them.

I am turning 26 in Aug and i am single with no sign of a girl in my life.

Like short circuit said above, All i want is a girl to cuddle with and laugh with..somebody that will accept me for me as i will them.

I blame my family for the way i am, I wish that i could have grown up like my friends and got gifts for going on to the next grade in school. Instead i was told that i get to go to the next grade, while all my friends were riding a new bike they got for summer break or new shoes or whatever.

I have completly lost touch with my whole family, I don't want nothing to do with them. They make me feel like i'm an outcast and not good enough to be part of the family..so i said fuck it..who needs them.

My life consists of... 2 friends that i live with, Work, Internet, My love for music and the occasional smoking weed.

I consider myself an outcast from the world..I was never shown any kind of affection growing up or now..so i honestly don't have feelings or care about too much.

I want to look into taking medication for my depression, But there is nothing i can take to heal the scars that my family has put deep inside me.

It's funny, The last girlfriend i had i tried being the perfect gentleman. I always put her needs before mine, I cuddled with her, I went shopping at the mall for hours everytime she wanted to go..I did everything that she wanted to do..and she still dumped me after 2 months.

Sometimes i don't really know what girls want in a guy.

So to sum it up..***** sucks in every aspect.

P.S.

I went off topic i know..But i don't have anybody in my life i can talk to, and it's easy to let it out on here.

Thanks.

Wow....sounds familiar...but at least my family was supportive. My issues were with classmates/other kids at school treatingme that way.

 

[jaded_lily]

i haven't seen any women reply so i thought i would..



Try being yourself........confidence is a good thing but don't go overboard with that.....over-confidence can get you into trouble.


I suffer from clinical depression and meeting people was hard for me for a while. The longest relationship i had been in before i met my husband was off and on for like 3 yrs. I am shy and it's really hard for me to open up about things.

Have you tried talking to women online? May sound a little creepy but that's how i met my husband and we've been together for 3 yrs in august. It's the best and only relationship i ever want to be in. Don't knock online before you even try it lol.

Your attitude says a lot too, if you have this i don't give a shit about anything attitude it shows, trust me, it shows. Try changing your social scene too. Go to different places, like another town or something, could work, won't know it you try.


and it's time for me to stop rambling now. Good luck!

 

[jaded_lily]

if u want drugs then try ecstasy or cocaine. E makes u love everyone and talk random crap for ages, and coke makes u feel invincible so u wont be worried about being shy.

I'm sorry but doing what this guy suggested is just ridiculous. What woman wants a man that's into coke, E or whatever else is out there.. Not this one or any other woman of that i am pretty sure......any other women want to back me up a little?

 

[TirelessTongue]

I'm sorry but doing what this guy suggested is just ridiculous. What woman wants a man that's into coke, E or whatever else is out there.. Not this one or any other woman of that i am pretty sure......any other women want to back me up a little?

It works for most celebrities

 

[jaded_lily]

and your point would be.................


so your gonna use e or whatnot because a celeb does? Come on now, and besides look at how many of THEM are in rehab.

It's sad to see that you would rather use this shit then to be yourself but hey to each his own.

 

[Ansi]

You know, I just remembered something I meant to write in my earlier post.

I know that all this stuff about being too shy to find love and being miserably lonely can really make you feel like shit...but you have to remember to cheer yourself up when you get really down. Yeah, you may not have a date, but if you let it get to you too badly, then you've already lost the battle. Go see a movie, watch some TV, get some exercise...do *something* to take your mind off things and cheer yourself up. If nothing else, having a good morale will make it easier to keep looking for The Significant Other.


Also...I know it sounds cliche, but you should always be yourself when looking for love (in several wrong places). No one wants to date a person who's just a fascade.

"But Ansi," you say, "what if 'yourself' is an overweight, unattractive, untalented, geeky, and generally undesirable excuse for a person?"

Well, there's one thing you should keep in mind: There's no such thing as 'undesirable'. Why? Simple probability. There are millions of millions of people out there in the world, with an infinite variation of desires in a mate...the way the odds are stacked, it's GUARANTEED that *someone* out there has a concept of the perfect guy/girl that matches you to the letter.

Overweight? Some people like the big-boned types. Kind of geeky? There's plenty of other geeks and geekettes who'd love to go out with their own kind. Shy and insecure? Some people like the quiet, introspective types.

The point is, every quality (or lack thereof) under the sun is attractive to *someone*. No matter who you are or what you're like, you CAN find someone who just happens to think you're wonderful. It might take a long time and a lot of work, but the possibility is always there.

So what's the moral of the story? Simple...don't give up hope.

 

[TirelessTongue]

and your point would be.................


so your gonna use e or whatnot because a celeb does? Come on now, and besides look at how many of THEM are in rehab.

It's sad to see that you would rather use this shit then to be yourself but hey to each his own.

I'm sorry that you obviously didn't see the sarcasm in my post !

I'd never touch cocaine or e, and besides........I'm too scared to touch any of that shit.

But besides the fact, I'm a fairly attractive guy at 5'11 165 lbs, I just started going to the gym, although my workouts aren't nearly as intense as they should be, I wish I had more time for that.

Maybe if I go for the muscles and tatoos look? Thats what I see many women going for in guys this day and age???

 

[jaded_lily]

you're right, i missed it lol it's been a long day with 3 kids lol

but like i said just be your self.

 

[taolanes]

i was a completely loner and geek in high school. Then i realized that most guys are average looking like me, so what's really the difference? I have a great job a car and most things that people of my age dream of, or their parents get it for them. The trick is to be your self and put the best foot forward. Most girls are still stuck in the old days when guy has to do everything, so therefore u are forced to do everything. You gotta relax and not be affraid to talk to girls.

Totally agree with this. The problem that shy guys have is that they always think a girl will start the conversation with them. But the truth is that most girls are just waiting for you to start the conversation

 

[TirelessTongue]

Totally agree with this. The problem that shy guys have is that they always think a girl will start the conversation with them. But the truth is that most girls are just waiting for you to start the conversation

And when a woman starts a conversation with a guy, it makes the guy feel like he's on top of the world !!!

 

[Needssome]

From my own experience, I couldn't pick up a guy in the real world if my life depended on it. I have an inability to talk to strangers (or even people who aren't really strangers) thanks to the same thing as everybody else in this thread: low self-esteem, depression, and just generally a lack of self-worth. So what did I do to find someone: I used the internet. Sure one guy dumped me for another girl, but the next guy I went out with I've been with for nearly 2 and a half years and I'm still incredibly crazy about him. We went to the same university and everything, but we never managed to meet (even though after we met online we kept bumping into each other on campus).

So yes, you can find someone online. If online just doesn't seem right for you, you can always try taking up a new co-ed sport, or hobby, or try volunteering as a way to meet someone new. I personally hate bars and clubs and stuff, so don't ask me about those sorts of things.

As for drugs, I would stay away from using drugs as a way to try and solve any problems, seeing as they usually lead to more problems in the end. However, if you find yourself depressed, or constantly anxious try looking into therapy or counselling and going on antidepressants or antianxiety drugs are a possibility. Either way trying to deal with low self-esteem or get rid of it would probably benefit your life and your relationships - especially since people with low self-esteem are more likely than people with high self-esteem to have the poorest relationships. Basically all of the literature in psych journals I have read or heard about on relationships and people with low self-esteem is not good news. It's not a guaranteed thing of course, it just makes things harder.

So good luck! I know how hard it is to meet anyone at all! The best results I've had have been when I've put myself out on the line. It wasn't until I reached a very desperate and horny place that I was able to do it. But it's amazing what an overzealous sex drive can do to give you the courage to talk to someone!

 

[love2teaseu]

Sometimes i don't really know what girls want in a guy.

That's OK, some of us don't know what we want either.

You don't have to be a "perfect gentleman." If you aren't that, then it will be more than glaringly apparent.

In HS I had a b/f like you, in fact it's kinda funny I was thinking about him today. My job happened to take me into his neighborhood today.

This guy was so sweet, he did the whole perfect gentleman act. He had a rough family background, definately depressed, and he smoked a lot of Pot.... he actually sold it too. His self esteem was pretty low too. Honestly, I had my fair share of problems too, many of the same. I didn't do the pot thing though. I am racking my brain to remember why it was that I broke up with him, can't remember.

But I do remember that the guys I chose later were a bit more exciting. Hell, most of them were criminals, they all had warrants at one point or another. They had been exciting places and did exciting things. Things I was too afraid to do myself.... I had quite a thing for bad boys. Then I found one that was not only bad, but smart. Smart enough to not get caught, ever.

I think that the difference between Joe and the rest was that even though they had their problems too, they got out there and found something in life to enjoy. Joe, was always at home, and sometimes moping. I realise you have a serious time with depression. I do too. I have been suffering from the effects of PTSD since childhood. Some of my struggles are Clinical depression since childhood, OCD, Anxiety Disorders, flashbacks, and the list goes on...

My point, try to get out there and FIND something to enjoy. Oh yeah, and ditch the pot!!! When you do find ms. right, what you will put her through when you finally decide to clean up your act, is nothing short of not cool. It will hurt you both, more than you realise now. In fact you could lose her over it. Just don't go there, ok.

Do get help for your depression and try to get counseling if you can. You deserve a better life, we all do. But we are the ones to control that, take control of your situation.

Stop worrying about women. Most of us aren't all we are cracked up to be, and we cannot solve your problems, we often have our own. Just look at what you enjoy, spend your free time on that instead of smokin' with your buddies. On the surface things that you may be into may seem to expensive, don't let that stop you. Sometimes when reading up on a subject, you'll stumble across something that will put it in your reach.

Women do like men that have confidence, real confidence, not faked. Women also like men that can make things happen, even if it is only for themselves. The best way to get these things is to decide to make a better life for yourself. All you have to do is start with something small, and add on.

My hubby definately didn't get many breaks. But he had his own interests. Things he liked to do, a life of his own. He thrilled me silly, and he still does. He also inspires me. Over the past 15 years we have been together, he has grown as a tradesman, as a skiier, intellectually, sportsman, and lastly a man. He has shown me what power we all have hiding in us. When I met him, he was a user, a dropout w/ GED, depressed, had a crappy car, raised broke and badly. He had a lot against him. All his sisters were the same way. They are still the same, and he is a self made man. He also thinks he has it pretty damn good as far as I am concerned. (He says he would have been afraid to talk to me had we actually met face to face.) You can do this too, everyone can. Just start small. One foot infront of the other.

And as far as your family is concerned, fuck them! They fucking suck and are a waste of energy for you to think about. Do what is right for you.