How to deal with Shyness !!!

[jaded_lily]

that's how i met my husband was online, only he started chatting with my best friend first.

 

[TirelessTongue]

Its sad to say

If it wasn't for the internet, I'd still be a virgin !

 

[niceguys1st]

Wow, I didn't realize so many people in here felt the exact same way as I do. I am painfully shy and I find it incredibly hard to approach women. I have very low self-esteem and I constantly feel like I'm not worthy. I'm overweight, I have no job, I have no car, I have no money and I feel like I have nothing to offer a woman. I also feel like I'm too nice. Women it seems are only interested in the "bad boy." Sure, they might marry the nice guy but if you don't want to get married at the moment and you just want some action how to you get it? It's very frustrating.

Talking to women makes my heart beat a million miles a minute and I am so scared of rejection that I just don't even bother. A lot of people tell me that I will never see that person again so why do I let it bother me so much? The reason for this is that even if they won't remember me, I'll still remember what happened and I'll be dwelling on how stupid I must have sounded or looked or whatever and I beat myself up over it.

I don't really have anything to ad excpet that the sentiment expressed by most people here is almost exactly what I'm going through.

 

[phoenix1224]

I also feel like I'm too nice. Women it seems are only interested in the "bad boy." Sure, they might marry the nice guy but if you don't want to get married at the moment and you just want some action how to you get it? It's very frustrating.

Most of them grow out of it...

It seems that the younger and more immature a woman is, the more drama they need in their lives (I really don't know why)... In time, most of the women that go for the 'bad boys' realize that they're worth more than being used, abused, and cheated on...

I consider myself to be a 'nice guy', and I don't have many problems getting some 'action' when I want it... The difference between me and you is that YOU said that you have very low self-esteem (I don't)... That's your major problem...

What I've found is that women HATE men who don't have any confidence in themselves... Let's face it, would YOU want to be with someone with self-esteem issues?

Just try this... Walk into a place as if you own it... Walk with your shoulders back, your head held high, (you'd be surprised at how much you probably slouch... and 'slouching = lack of confidence' in most people's books) and DON'T avoid making eye contact with people... You'd be surprised at just how much that little difference in the way you carry yourself will change things for you...

Hell... I'm no Brad Pitt... I could use to lose a few pounds, myself... I drive an eight year old pick up... And I sure as hell don't have Donald Trump's money, either.... And you know what?... Attractive women approach me all the time...

I think it's because I carry myself in an extremely confident manner... Besides... A woman who's worth MY time wouldn't care about all that superficial crap anyway...

(just my two cents)

 

[niceguys1st]

^ Thanks a lot for that, man. Gave me some stuff to think about, I appreciate it.

 

[short_circutz]

Wow, I didn't realize so many people in here felt the exact same way as I do. I am painfully shy and I find it incredibly hard to approach women. I have very low self-esteem and I constantly feel like I'm not worthy. I'm overweight, I have no job, I have no car, I have no money and I feel like I have nothing to offer a woman. I also feel like I'm too nice. Women it seems are only interested in the "bad boy." Sure, they might marry the nice guy but if you don't want to get married at the moment and you just want some action how to you get it? It's very frustrating.

Talking to women makes my heart beat a million miles a minute and I am so scared of rejection that I just don't even bother. A lot of people tell me that I will never see that person again so why do I let it bother me so much? The reason for this is that even if they won't remember me, I'll still remember what happened and I'll be dwelling on how stupid I must have sounded or looked or whatever and I beat myself up over it.

I don't really have anything to ad excpet that the sentiment expressed by most people here is almost exactly what I'm going through.

OMG...I don't remember writing that post! Are you my long lost twin???

 

[phoenix1224]

^ Thanks a lot for that, man. Gave me some stuff to think about, I appreciate it.

Your welcome...

 

[love2teaseu]

I am painfully shy and I find it incredibly hard to approach women. I have very low self-esteem and I constantly feel like I'm not worthy. I'm overweight, I have no job, I have no car, I have no money and I feel like I have nothing to offer a woman. I also feel like I'm too nice.

All of the thing you are talking about that you don't have to offer a women are material things. Decent women are not overly concerned with things like cars and money. Women who are only concerned with that are nothing more than whores and are for sale. If your esteem is low, then you need to stay away from these women.

You say you feel like you are too nice, do you mean you feel taken advantage of? Make a committment to yourself to not let these kinds of things happen. Think about places where you can get taken advantage of, decide what your limit is of what you are willing to give. A cup of sugar one day is OK, but the clothes off your back isn't. Don't give anything that you a) don't have or b) will "hurt" to give. Set personal limits, and stick to them. If you are asked for something that you haven't already thought out, tell her she will have to wai until you think about it. Then get input from friends or even from folks on the GB. A lot of people ask those questions on the GB. It's a great place, use it. If ANYONE has a problem with you wanting to "think" about anything, they don't care about you. They don't respect you. DO NOT give to these types of people. Male or female. You ARE a person, just like me... no better, no worse. Take care of you first.

Talking to women makes my heart beat a million miles a minute and I am so scared of rejection that I just don't even bother. A lot of people tell me that I will never see that person again so why do I let it bother me so much? The reason for this is that even if they won't remember me, I'll still remember what happened and I'll be dwelling on how stupid I must have sounded or looked or whatever and I beat myself up over it.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I know my problem was that I personally would say things that were dumb b/c I was trying to impress another.

I recently switched careers to something where I had to do a lot of socialising, and my success or failure was dependent if others liked me. I went and got a few books on how to have conversations. They are so much easier than you think!

The first thing I learned was to REALLY listen. I used to stop listening to others b/c I was trying to think of what I was going to say next.

The next was to ask open ended questions. These are questions that cannot be answered with a yes or no. Again, check out the General Board. Look at the questions that are posed. Then look at which ones have the most posts and how long they have been there. This is an example to show you what I am talking about, not to necessarily use.

I don't really have anything to ad excpet that the sentiment expressed by most people here is almost exactly what I'm going through.

You do have something to offer to this conversation!!! What you have offered is that you got up the nerve to post something. Your post will probably make another feel more OK with him or herself, that others feel the same way too. That my friend is a very valuable thing, something to be commended. I know I lurked around for a while before I started posting, maybe what you have said made them join in too. That's a good thing.

 

[TirelessTongue]

My self esteem was never as high as it normally should be? I'm sure other guys feel this way ! Any way to change that?

 

[Monazwx]

I had/have the same problems. It's not only guys who are mega-shy. I never really realized the extent of my problem until I went to college, where I used the time to get to the root of my problem(s). I have been burned before, so not only do I have self-esteem issues, I have trust issues as well, (yep, all messed up).

So, I have decided to try and confront my problems head-on. It's not easy, in fact, it's pretty damn painful, but in the end, I hope to be rid of most of my fears. First, I decided to focus on activities that I like. They relax me and take my mind off of being shy as well as making it easier to chat with people with the same interests as mine. And these activities don't have to be expensive either.

The most trouble I'm having right now is talking to strangers. Some people can be such bastards. Rude people don't care at all if you have to pick up the pieces after being rejected, but focus on empowering yourself first. Hopefully, things will fall into place (without the drugs).

When I can find some, I'll post some links that I found last year when doing some research on the topic.

 

[Ansi]

What I've found is that women HATE men who don't have any confidence in themselves... Let's face it, would YOU want to be with someone with self-esteem issues?

That's exactly the problem. How are you supposed to have self-confidence when you know people don't like you because you have no self-confidence?

Please don't think I'm being a pessimest, but I can't say I'm the least bit encouraged by all the talk here. Everything seems to point to the same conclusion: "the key is self-confidence". This is not an uplifting thought for people like me.

The sad truth is, confidence is a thing beyond my grasp. I can't fake it (I lack the acting skill, plus it's against my philosophy), and I've got *nothing* to be proud of for real. I'm a lazy, asocial geek who's never accomplished anything of worth in the real world and whose life consists mostly of playing videogames and watching TV.

God, sometimes I curse the day I discovered Nintendo. The entertainment and fantasy of the gaming world was so wonderful to my ADD-addled mind that I didn't even realize that the REAL world was passing me by. Then one day, following the death of a beloved family pet, I made the mistake of doing some deep thinking about love and loss. I started watching my peers at college, and I suddenly realized that I'd *missed out* on life!

Friends, dating, relationships with REAL people - I'd missed out on all the social aspects of a *normal* young teen's life. I'd never been to a party of any kind, I'd missed my high school prom, I'd lost out on all the wild, soul-freeing experimentation of college...I'd never been on a date in my life...I'd missed out on SEX, for godsakes!

Ever since that day almost a year ago, I've been sinking lower and lower into the depths of depression. I just can't believe what a MORON I was...forever passing up the chance at a normal adolescence for the sake of a bunch of damn games.

It burns me even more when I realize that I'll never be able to make up for it. My utter lack of social experience has left me without ANY of the social skills needed to interact with people (especially women) on even the most basic levels. Years of being entertained by TV screens and monitors (possibly helped along by some good old-fashioned CRT-generated radiation) have permanently taken over my areas of knowledge and killed my interest in doing much of anthing else that might expand my horizons. Because I've never done much of anything else, my skillsets are nonexistant; aside from gaming, I can't do anything worth a sh*t. And, to top it all off, years of sitting on my ass have left me with a fat, unattractive body, and a habit of lazyness that's practically part of my personality at this point.

In other words, the damage done has been so great that I'll never be able to function as well as a normal person. How can I expect any woman in her right mind to *want* to be with a social and emotional wreck like me?

There's the problem: I can't. There's no reason for them to, when there are so many more normal, better men out there for the asking. That, of course, only fuels my depression.

"So," you ask, "why not change? Gather up your courage, get back on track, be a man's man!" Two reasons. One, I don't *have* any courage...I'm a craven coward. As depressing as my lonliness might be, the thought of facing my fears is so scary that I can't even get started.

Two...I'm not wholly certain I *want* to change. As much as I hate to admit it, the sorry excuse for a life I've been living is still my LIFE. All of my hangups and messed-up behaviors are what make me *me*.

In all honesty, *I* personally don't mind being a geek, or a loser, or a good-for-nothing bum. The only reason these things upset me is because they make it almost impossible for *other people* to like me. That is, my depression is one of lonliness, not of self-hatred.

Sure...if I lost weight, learned how to be 'cool', and all that, I'm certain I'd have no problem getting girls to fall for me...but at what cost? THEN I'd have a whole new depression...she'd love me for being what I'm not. How can I possibly be happy with someone who can't love me as I already am?

You know, I guess that's the biggest problem...I'm afraid that women who could love a psychological nightmare like me are so few and far between that I'll never find one...especially since I wouldn't know how to go about looking. I've contemplated online dating services before, but such a method seems terribly impersonal, not to mention horribly humiliating. Besides, I don't have any money... And, of course, I wouldn't know what to say to them if I DID find one.



Look, everyone, I'm sorry about all this. I don't mean to complain so much...I just have to vent at someone every so often to maintain my sanity. Sorry you got caught in the crossfire.


...bah. Maybe I should just stick to rescuing the digital damsels in distress. At least they're always glad to see you.



Oh, one last comment, on the quote at the top of my post: personally, I would be fine with a girlfriend without self-confidence. Somehow, it's hard to be afraid of a person when you know they're just as nervous as you are.

 

[flyindolphine]

i was extremely shy from very early days. I tried doctors, medicine, therapy, all kinds of stuff, nothing helped. and what i found as a perfect healing is stop thinking of what other people might think of you, in other words live for yourself not for them. so the way o got out from my shyness is that i put a horrible outfit went into street and walked probably 30 blocks with it. And at the last 10 i didn’t cared what people said or so. next day i felt fabulous and i found out that as long as i think that whatever i do is great or my best i dont need to impress anyone, they just got to like me the way i am because i cant do any better. and from that day on i found a great bf, friends(didnt had any before) and a job!

 

[Lord Emu]

I think its all about who your comfortable around. If you feel welcome its easier to feel like you belong. For girls I always tend to freeze up becoase I feel akward. There are a few I feel comforable with since i know them and we share some of the same interests. The same thing goes for this one card and comic shop I am starting to hang out. First couple of times it felt weird being around a bunch of people I didn't know but now it feels like I have been going there forever.

 

[capricious_chic]

Re: Its sad to say

If it wasn't for the internet, I'd still be a virgin !

Why is that sad?

 

[TirelessTongue]

Re: Re: Its sad to say

Why is that sad?

Because I was never good at approaching women in person. And when I tried talking to them, things never turned out the way I wanted it. Either I was socially inept? or I was talking to the wrong women? Who knows? I was never a guy who can pick up a girl at a bar/club.

 

[capricious_chic]

Because I was never good at approaching women in person. And when I tried talking to them, things never turned out the way I wanted it. Either I was socially inept? or I was talking to the wrong women? Who knows? I was never a guy who can pick up a girl at a bar/club.

Was should be the key word.

Consider carefully if the girls at the bar/club are the type of girls that you want to pick up. From my experience those are the girls that are always there looking, searching, desperate. No, not all of them (before anyone gets all bent up about it).

If you were socially inept that would translate on line as well - so I doubt that it is a problem. There are no wrong women, hell approach them all. Some are assholes and some aren't. Just because one woman doesn't respond doesn't mean the next one wont. Flirt just for the hell of it. Flirt with pretty women, ugly women and all the ones in between. Flirt without intent or expectation. Even if it is a simple hello and smile it is a good start.

That you were able to meet someone on line doesn't make it less worthy than if you were to meet them at a grocery store. It is just another avenue to pursue. Probably one of the biggest ones out there right now. Never limit your options or the possibilities.

I could go on and on about this subject - if you have any specific questions that you would like answered from a girls point of view I would be more than happy to oblige.

 

[TirelessTongue]

Capricious_chic

The biggest trouble I have at bars and clubs is figuring out who is single, and who isn't. The majority of the women there are with someone, usually a boyfriend. (why a couple would go to a bar/club is beyond me) Some women keep their SO close, others have them lurking in the distance. Hitting on a woman who's already taken can cause lots of trouble. I'm not about starting trouble. But like you said before..... women in the bars/clubs are usually unsavory or desperate. To me, some of them are drop dead gorgeous. But I wouldn't want a girl who looked gorgeous, yet has a personality of a rock.

Outside of the internet, my experience with women is usually trial and error. I've missed all the shots I've taken. Either that, or the women wasn't interested later on. Online, I'm good at conversation and like to feel my way through things to make them comfortable. Same goes for me on the phone too.

Its such a shame that women are looking for the bad boy nowadays........ because thats not what I am about.

 

[love2teaseu]

Ansi, I guess you could say I lost a good portion of my life too. For different reasons though, and some of it was my own choice.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you were a damned kid. Most kids love all those video games and stuff like that. I wa never allowed to play them, so I have never totally understood it, but my hubby loves them.

As far as losing a part of my life, I decided to go ahead and take it back, at least for a while.

My husband could identify with this thread more than me really. He was into video games, pot, and skiing. He always says that he would have never even spoken to me if we hadn't been fixed up and talked on the phone first. So, I am just in here b/c I have a good idea of what you guys are going through.

Let me tell you a bit about him, you may have a bit in common with him. When I met him he had just gotten his GED. He dropped out of HS. His car was a 1983 Subaru hatchback (this was one '91) that had been bashed all to hell. He was working as an apprentice electrician for like $6 an hour. he still had a mullet. He had his wallet on a chain. If he wasn't working he was either getting high and playing video games or skiing. Wore see through Metallica T shirts.

Some wouldn't find that all that appealing. I didn't really. But he was interesting to me. I could tell he was so smart. (Turns out his IQ is like 141.) he felt bad about dropping out of HS, always said he was stupid. That was not the case, they couldn't keep up with him, and he was bored. Anyway, I kept asking him out. Here we are 15 years later and we will be celebrating our 10 yr anniversary in December.

I have only suggested working to improve one's esteem as one would most likely get better results this way than waiting for my twin to come along. Improving your confidence would simply get your foot in the door so a woman would get a chance to see something in you, like what i saw in my hubby.

A word of caution, women like me will drag you out of your shell. But, that would compliment your personality. Couples are supposed to compliment each other.

This is a bummer subject, what did you want to hear?

If you want to hide behind video games, then that is up to you. Socially, I am not the most graceful of people. None of us are perfect. But if you give others a chance then you will find a group that will acept you with all your foibles as long as you do the same for them.

Fuckin' eh man, why don't you just start accepting yourself to start with. No one is perfect, some of us are just better at hiding it than others. That is what it really boils down to.

 

[phoenix1224]

He had his wallet on a chain..........Wore see through Metallica T shirts.

You say that as if those are BAD things...

 

[love2teaseu]

You say that as if those are BAD things...

They're an acquired taste. One I wasn't into when I was 15.

 

[phoenix1224]

They're an acquired taste. One I wasn't into when I was 15.

I was just teasing...

But, I DO realize that a lot of women prefer guys with the 'yuppy look'...

But, personally... I'm a non-conformist... I would NEVER be comfortable in a Polo and Khakis... Or, the gods forbid, a suit and tie!

 

[love2teaseu]

Hubby isn't like that. I didn't go in and fix him... He is still every bit of the hood he was. Less the mullet, he lost his hair and now has it shaved. And, less the chain wallet, now I wish he would wear one again.... And the see through shirts disintegrated, all thats left is the collar and logos.

 

[Ansi]

If you were socially inept that would translate on line as well

Not to nitpick, but that's hardly the case. Lots of people are more outgoing and socially competant online than they are in the real world, especially me. I've got multiple online friends that I hang out with (virtually) on a regular basis, and I have no problems at all with interecting with THEM...and yet, I can hardly stand to look people in the eyes in real life.

I think I've traced it down to 2 factors. One, when you chat with someone online, you more-or-less speak directly to their mind. Troublesome things like physical attractiveness, nervous habits, and such can't be seen; you get a direct line into the person themselves. I guess I'm not nervous online because I know that no one can SEE me and all my embarassing faults, except what I choose to present through my keyboard.

Two...the single biggest problem I have with talking to people in the real world is SPEED. When you're online, you often have a few minutes, if not more, to THINK about what you want to say before you say it, and word it in just the right way. When you're speaking instead of typing, though, that 'buffer' is gone; when someone talks to you, you've only got a precious second or two to respond to keep things flowing. Imagine, if you will, striking up a conversation with a girl (or guy) in good faith, then watching as they turn their back to you and spend a couple of minutes composing their response on a cocktail napkin. It just doesn't work.

The sad truth is, I just can't DO that...I can't think fast enough to decide on what to say in the painfully short window of opportunity in normal conversation (it's made worse because I'm usually nervous). If I try to speak 'off the cuff' I either sit there dumbly going "Yeah" and "Uh-huh", or I say something totally stupid, or I stumble over my own words.

*sigh* I guess I'm just not meant to communicate by mouth...maybe I got so good at writing to make up for it. At least here on the 'Net I can function like a normal person (which doesn't do me an good when it comes time to bring a potential online romance into the real world).

You know, I wouldn't mind it so much, if I could use my writing skills to do something *productive* instead of yammering off the collective ears of everyone in cyberspace. You know, write poems or love letters to woo the ladies... But my skills are purely technical; I can't write creatively or emotionally to save my life. Bah.

That's one thing I'm afraid of about online dating; there's such a large gap between my online and offline sociality that I worry that I might win the heart of a gal online, only to sweep her back onto her feet at the first real-life meeting.

 

[phoenix1224]

Hubby isn't like that. I didn't go in and fix him... He is still every bit of the hood he was. Less the mullet, he lost his hair and now has it shaved. And, less the chain wallet, now I wish he would wear one again.... And the see through shirts disintegrated, all thats left is the collar and logos.

You could always just buy him a chain wallet and some heavy metal t-shirts yourself... The holidays aren't THAT far away...

 

[capricious_chic]

Its such a shame that women are looking for the bad boy nowadays........ because thats not what I am about.

I can only reiterate the idea of flirting with all women. Old, young, short, tall, married, single, beautiful, ugly, etc. Without intent or purpose - this being the most important. Flirt just for the hell of it. When you do this enough it becomes part of who you are and becomes less and less awkward the more you do it.

Outside, inside, and all around the internet is always trial and error. Don't look to flirt and try to meet a girls as a form of validation, simply flirt and try to meets girls because it is fun. Finding those that we can be really interested in is difficult - but finding those to hang out with casually is much easier. Go for the later first and the former will follow eventually. If you can converse, flirt, and make people comfortable on line - you can do so offline as well, it is simply a matter of translating your on line personality offline. It isn't the easiest of things - but I have found that flirting on line with random people has made it easier to flirt with random people off line. In the end people are just people and most enjoy talking with other people - otherwise why would people spend so much time on line? Most people are searching for others that are like minded in both mediums.

Be careful of lumping all women into the same category. We find it offensive at best to be told what we are looking for or what we want - it always comes across as cynical and whining. There are many women, myself included, who rarely give "bad" boys the time of day and get really sick of hearing from all of the supposed "nice" guys about why we don't want them. Many of us don't lump guys into categories because we have found that many of the perceived "bad" boys are actually nice guys in disguise and many of the "nice" guys are really self-absorbed assholes. You can gender flip that and it will still be true.