How to deal with Shyness !!!

[love2teaseu]

Ansi, if you need a second to think when you are talking to someone, then ask for it. I haven't met anyone that wasn't accomadating.

I have PTSD, have had it for many years. After you have it for so long, you start to get brain damage to the part of your brain that controls short term memory. I get confused sometimes when i talk to people and have to ask them what I was saying. No one has ever given me a hard way to go about it.

You can also employ what is called active listening. This is where you briefly repeat back to someone what they are saying. While you are doing this you accomplish two things. You come across as being very attentive and since you are briefly repeating back what they just said, they will stay on the same subject a bit longer for you to form a good response. Try looking it up on google, there will be a more exact examples there.

 

[H0wl]

*waves*
Yeah....1st post

This is a thread where I actually have some idea of what I'm talking about.

What the previous poster said about active listening is very true. It removes a lot of the pressure from you in the conversation and shows your partner that you are actually paying attention to what they are saying.

When I was a kid I used to be able to make friends in 30 seconds. Somewhere in grade school I lost that ability. Since then I've spent a long time tending to be on the outside of most social circles. I'm a pleasant guy, easy going, reasonably funny.

All through high school I had very few friends and most of those friends were superficial friends. I tended to hang out with people older than I was because I could relate to them better than my peers.

The summer I was 18, I got a job selling roses door to door. God only knows why I decided this was a good idea but it did teach me one thing about approaching people. Try again. If it doesn't work the 4th time maybe it will worth the 30th. If not then, then the 100th.

If one approach doesn't work out well for you try another one.

If there's an aspect of your personality or your body that you aren't happy with then think about it. Decide how much it would be worth to you to get rid of those extra pounds, to be able to have a real conversation with someone else.

Then try to come up with a plan. Excercise, diet, speed dating, acting classes, whatever it takes.

If you have a job and a health-plan consider going to see a therapist. Chances are you don't have a medical problem but therapy is all about looking at your behavior/problems/mentality from the outside and thinking about different ways to see it. It can be invaluable to have someone you can trust to bounce ideas off of and who can be objective about what you tell them.

In terms of shyness specifically, all of the above, and consider joining your local Toastmasters, taking acting classes etc.

Not only does this get you in contact with people who can help you, but it also gives you a social outlet.

My 2 cents

 

[browncow]

I was always shy. Still am, I slowly built up confidence over the years though. Now I dont think of girls as "Prospects" I talk to them as though they are friends. Most of my Confidence started when a friend in high school 4-5 years ago saw me walking through the halls slouched, with my head down dodging people trying not to get run into. He told me to look up and focus forward, walk with confidence and dont slouch. That if i did this, i wouldnt need to dodge people, they would move out of my way. It worked and to this day I remember that one piece of advice. I applied it to everything I do, be confident and things workout.

What also helped me is that I teach kids marching percussion. I have done so since my junior year in high school. Things like that always help a lot.

 

[deadlock32]

I have noticed something about myself that is a little different from what is being described here. I consider myself shy and quiet. I have had trouble approaching girls I like and I have yet to have a girlfriend ever, which is very depressing. My problem is that I can easily and confidently talk to girls that I am not attracted to whatsoever. I can go on and on, keep the conversation going. My mind is working great with a million subjects to talk about. But I would never think of persuing a relationship with them.

As soon As I try to approach or talk to a girl that I think is attractive I totally lose it. My mind goes blank I can't think of anything. Awkward pauses or I say things that are totally out of the blue or nonsensical. I always feel like the girls are never interested in me. I have never had any girl ever show any stong feeling towards me. I have drunkenly hooked up with a few who I found attractive, but that was with drunk goggles. The most I can seem to get is a "friends" thing which is really bothering me. I always seem to be rejected or made just a friend who they bring their problems to.

I have found that I am also extremely unlucky when it comes to meeting women. I have met some that I have really liked and have actually been able to talk to, but through whatever reason, they slip through. Most of the time, they have boy friends. I missed out on this one girl by a day! A friend of mine got to her before I met her at a party and they have been together since. I cannot seem to break this cycle of either incoherence or just horendous luck! I am tired of just going to parties trying to "hook up" with a girl and I'd actually like a girlfriend for once, at least for the experience! Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated!
THANKS

 

[capricious_chic]

Not to nitpick, but that's hardly the case. Lots of people are more outgoing and socially competant online than they are in the real world...

I respectfully disagree. Social ineptness comes across on line in many ways - subtle lies, projecting or portraying yourself as a person you are not, long pauses in a one on one conversation, trouble broaching a new topic, etc. It may not be obvious at first, but the more you chat with someone the more this will become apparent, especially when things start to not add up.

It could be that the people you meet and converse with on line are very similar to yourself - odds are you have many of the same interests in common.

We all have faults and things that we find less than appealing about ourselves. One thing to realize is that most people are so concerned about your impression of them that they don't notice as much about you as you think they do.

I have never considered speed of conversation to be inhibiting. I always take my time before speaking. I weigh and measure what I am going to say, formulate the entire sentence and then speak. When I was very young I had a speech impediment and the only way I could overcome it was to pause before speaking. Someone mentioned active listening, this is also a very good technique. Usually as long as someone knows you want to speak to them they don't mind waiting a moment longer for a response and many times this will come across to those around you as being thoughtful and attentive - like you care enough about what they are saying that you will take the time to really converse with them and not pop off with the first semi-witty thing that is in your head.

As far as bringing an on line romance to r/l - as long as you don't try to pretend to be something you're not, or portray yourself other than you are it shouldn't be a problem. I think it would be easier to transition from on line because you have gotten to know the person and what they are interested in so you already know of things that you can talk about.