How to let him go....

[regretful1]

I'll try not to make this too long but I think some background might help. If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it.

A couple years ago I started chatting on the net. I was just goofing around. I'd go into chat rooms and pretend to be something I wasn't and chat with guys. It was fun but I didn't really talk to anyone a 2nd or 3rd time. After about a month or so I met this guy and we really clicked. I did the same thing I always did and lied about my age, what I looked like, my name, and where I lived. We started chatting for hours almost on a daily basis.

This went on for about 3 months and he wanted to meet. He thought I lived close to where he did. I finally had to tell him I had lied. I took the easy way out and sent him and e-mail. He still wanted to chat after that and tell him what I lied about. I couldn't tell him everything so I told him I just lied about where I lived and my name. After that we went back to our same routine. Almost every day we would talk to each other. We sent each other letters and talked on the phone. I knew he really liked me and I liked him. He was a virgin and so was I but he didn't know that. In fact when we first started chatting I told him I had a boyfriend. He was very shy and young, 23. He wanted to lose his virginity badly and he wanted it to be with me. But I would just keep putting him off about meeting. I put him off for almost year before I showed him a picture of myself. The picture wasn't of me. A little before we had chatted for almost a year he met someone else online. Anyway he ended up sleeping with her. He told me about it that same weekend and it crushed me. I had never felt like this about anyone in my entire life. I know I was fooling myself into thinking that anything could ever become of our relationship with the lies I had told and was still telling.

I knew what I was doing was wrong all along and I had to stop but I was so attached to him. After he had hooked up with this other girl we started chatting less. In the beginning it was because he didn't have much time for me and then I also started to realize that this was ok. That I could get out of this by us just drifting apart. I never wanted him to find out the truth. It would hurt him so bad. I know what I have done to him is horrible and there is nothing you can say to me that I haven't already said to myself. I feel like the worst human being in the world and I will live with the guilt for the rest of my life.

Anyway, if you haven't stopped reading by now this is the part I need help with. Another year has gone by. We have kept in contact but haven't had any marathon chat sessions like we used to. We've sent e-mails and chatted maybe 20 or so times. But whenever we do the old feelings always come flooding back. I try so hard to stay away from him but when I know he is down I can't turn my back on him. He tells me talking with me feels like 'home', just right. Because I don't respond to him a lot of the times he wants to chat though I thought he would just stop but he hasn't and tonight after a year he called me. I know he still thinks I'm the perfect girl for him, his soul mate. I know this isn't true. If he really knew what I looked like and that I was 10 years older than him instead of 6, we would have never chatted more than once. What do I do? I don't want to tell him the truth, it would serve no purpose except hurt him more than he has ever been hurt before. Do I tell him I don't want to talk to him anymore? I know this would really hurt him as well. Do I just keep avoiding him and try to be stronger about it? How do I let him go?

I really didn't mean to write a book but if anyone can help please respond. If you feel like you have to curse at me tell me what a terrible person I am go for it. This is the biggest regret of my life and I've paid for it.

 

[EJFan]

well... if this is the biggest regret of your life, you're pretty well off.

all in all i think the easiest thing would be to just tell him you don't want to talk any more. it's honest and the least hurtful way to deal with it. then again, i'm a cold person in some cases.

i understand that you don't want to hurt him and he seems to have attached some significance to your chat/phone sessions. that's fine, but i think what you both need to remember is that any feelings either of you have/had are purely with an idea or concept of one another and NOT with the actual person.

the reality of it is, and i'm sorry if this sounds harsh, is that it's all been a fantasy on some level. all the fantasizing has put you in this position and any fantastical ways you come up with for ending it may just wind up biting you in the ass more than being straightforward with him and saying you don't want to talk any more. you don't have to undo any of the stories you've weaved... just don't make up any more in ending it.

 

[badboy0]

If I read this correctly, you've never even met this guy in real life (well ok I've had a couple of pops so my reading may be a bit off, but who hasn't at this time on a Friday night).

Anyway, I'd say you are getting all worked up over nothing.

Don't know why you say you are so terrible either. Because you said you were only 6 years older or something. And he would never have chatted more than once if he knew you were 10 years older, as opposed to 6???

How do you know that? Did he define his limitations?

You are too hard on yourself, and I'd say you are blowing things way out of proportion.

 

[SweetErika]

Have you learned some lessons?
If so, you need to let go of the guilt and move on. Otherwise, this is just going to eat you up and color your life an ugly shade.

As to what to do with him, I agree with EJfan. Perhaps you could soften the blow by telling him you've decided to take some time to examine and work on yourself, and as wonderful as he is, you don't feel continuing communication will be helpful. Remove all traces of him from your computer and phone, take this opportunity to learn and grow, and start fresh.

 

[regretful1]

Yeah, it's seems pretty silly doesn't it.

EJfan thank you. It's makes sense what you are saying and I guess I knew the answer. He'll be hurt but maybe not as much as I think. And if I'm honest with myself, (yeah, new concept for me) maybe I've dragged this out because I'm more worried about how much it will hurt me not being able to talk to him.

 

[beingbrave]

I think you should tell him the truth, because you never know, he may actually be the one for you.

I disagree that everything is fantasy just because you met and your relationship so far is only on line. It is as real as you two believe it to be. There are people in real life that live in fantasy, you either are yourself or you aren't in any relationship regardless of where it happens.

This guy accepted about the other lies, give him and chance and tell him the truth. Don't decide for him, accept responsiblity and make amends , which means be open and honest with him.

If you can't do it directly then send him a link to this thread. You obviously care for him or you wouldn't feel bad about hurting him.

 

[Ezzy]

I read this and I feel kind of sad, that you felt the need to lie about it from the start, and that you were given the chance to take back all the lies, and you still did not take the opportunity to make things right, and wasted your time and efforts to elaborate the lies.

Either tell him the truth and take the consequences, or tell him some more lies, such as, "Your boyfriend doesn't want you talking to guys online about sexual things, and you would like to keep him (your boyfriend) happy".

Or you could tell him you are terminally ill and have only days to live... or you could fake up an obit, and have your "friend" send him it in response to his next email.

If the internet is where you want to be someone different than who you really are, then look to one of the sites that have RPG (role playing games) or SRPG (sexual role playing games), you can explore any type of personality you want in role play, and nobody would care or feel hurt in the least.

Even if you never planned to meet someone, why go through the trouble of lying, as it doesn't make you feel better to lie, than to tell the truth? Does it?

He is probably lying too, he is not the 23 year old that you thought he was, he is just an under 18 year with a deep voice. Perhaps he is a 50-year-old naive guy, maybe he really is "Brad Pitt", or maybe he told the truth expecting everyone else on the www, to do the same.

I can understand the idea of playing a part, but if the difference between being 6 years older than him and 10 years older, was so important to him, he is more shallow a type of guy than you would really want to have a relationship with anyway.

Tell him the truth about what you lied about, and give him a chance to learn not to trust every word people say to him on the web. Or lie to him and give him some false hope, and string him out some more, the choice is yours!

As to living with the guilt or regrets, make yourself the promise never to do this to anyone else again, and move on with your life.

 

[regretful1]

beingbrave and Ezzy, thanks for replying. I really don't think I could bring myself to tell him the truth. I don't want him to feel like he was gullible or that he was too trusting. Coming clean may help me find some sort of peace with it but it won't do that for him. I made the mistake and with the 2nd chance I had I don't even think I get to call it a mistake.

I do care about him very much and I haven't read any responses that trivialize that, just realistic ones. And seeing that we only knew each other from the net I can understand why someone might question the seriousness of it. I guess thats what brought me here to begin with. I didn't take the 'net' seriously or at least the people I met on it. It's a definite 'shame on me' and I've learned my lesson.

As far as whether he would reject or accept who I am if I told him the truth? He's not a shallow person and a 10 year age difference probably wouldn't have been that big of deal to him. If I had been up front with him maybe we would have become good friends. But anything more.... well I know his desires and I'm not it.

 

[Wolk]

I'm no great expert but have to disagree with EJfan and others.

If you just back out slowly and tell him you "don't want to talk anymore", it'll do two things:

One, it will solve nothing - merely try to hide it away and pretend it didn't happen. But it did. And you will remember it, unless you get Alzheimers... And it will be coming back to you once in a while. Do you really want that?

Two, it is going to leave him in a hurting suspence. He will be there wondering what the heck he did wrong, how he offended you, or whatnot. He'll be looking for answers on what he did wrong and not find any, because you lied. Again... In the end, the poor guy may very well end up thinking there's something wrong with HIM, but he doesn't know what and can't try to fix it. IMO, that's a way worse feeling than figuring out you've been lied to for a year by someone you thought you really liked.

What you should do? Well, I'll tell you what I would like you to do if I was in his place. Come out and tell the truth. Even if it breaks the relationship completely, at least you will both know the truth, and that's a step closer to a true relationship than you ever were before.

Besides, what makes you think he'll hate the real you? You have never even given him a chance to judge if you likes you. You prejudged yourself and deemed yourself unlikable. Well, that is BS. 4 extra years? You think he cares that much? 29 and 33 is almost no difference at all. At least not in my eyes, and I'm 21. As for looks, I can't say those don't matter at all, but I can say they most definitely matter less than you think. If the guy wanted just looks, there is no way in hell he would be able to keep up an internet relationship for a YEAR based on just one photo!

Now that he has someone and isn't a virgin anymore, looks probably matter even less. If you really "clicked", he might very well still like you and forgive the lies in time. Not only will this probably be the least hurtful way of resolving this mess, but it might also let you salvage your friendship.

I don't think I have the right to tell you exactly what to do, even though I obviously favor one option. The final decision must be yours because nobody knows more about the situation and the people involved than you. Consider what I wrote, though, and see if it's applicable in your case. I personally don't see how it could make things any worse if you tell the truth.

 

[Silver Sable]

Been there, done that have the T-shirt

When I first gone online I was very upfront about everything, until I found that at a certain BB I got a lot of attention from the male population there. I loved the attention so I started omitting that I was in a terrible marriage where I hardly ever talked to him and sex was a 6 times a year thing if neccessary. After that, the lonely male hormones did the rest and I ended up in "online relationships" with three or four guys at once.

I lied about beign married and the photos I showed people were from when I was about 18 not 25. I have gianed weight and look a tad bit older, but generally it is just a weight thing. I was so insecure about it, but being online gave me the freedom to be who I wanted to be not who I was.

In the end, I met a guy who really was perfect for me. He was honest about everything and he was very persistant about meeting me. So finally to put a halt to things I told him the truth on both accounts. To my surprise he didn't care at all. I ended up getting away from my marriage that was aweful and moving 10 hours away to be with this guy. After a few years of living together we got married last Halloween. I have never once regreted making the decision to tell him the truth...

The other guys I had "relationships" with, well... they got mad and I didn't talk to most of them. There was one very sweet innocent guy half way across the world who was the 23 year old virgin who built up what love should be to fantastical proportions. When I told him the truth and that I was leaving it all to be with someone else he was really hurt. We still talked a bit, but less and less. I did encourage him to just go out and get laid to get rid of his dream version of sex that no one can live up to... turns out that he did just that, and he is now engaged to that women. He is truly happy now and I haven't heard from him in almost a year now. I still see him around the various BB's I post on, but we don't speak. That is okay with me. It is better for him to just put it in the past and be happy. It is best for me too.

The moral is, if you aren't proud of who you are, change yourself into who you want to be. As long as it isn't unrealistic (no you can't be 15 again especially if you are over 45). You should make yourself into what you want to be. If that means losing weight like I have been doing, then someone just needs to kick you in the ass (often you must kick your own ass) and make no more excuses. Just get out there and do it. If you want to be smarter read books and find stuff you're interested in. If you want to be more spiritual then look into various religions or ideas that interest you.

In conclusion, don't waste your short life thinking of all the mistakes and ifs or you'll die very unhappy. Suck it up and do what you must to make yourself truly happy.

 

[Ezzy]

The moral is, if you aren't proud of who you are, change yourself into who you want to be. As long as it isn't unrealistic (no you can't be 15 again especially if you are over 45). You should make yourself into what you want to be. If that means losing weight like I have been doing, then someone just needs to kick you in the ass (often you must kick your own ass) and make no more excuses. Just get out there and do it. If you want to be smarter read books and find stuff you're interested in. If you want to be more spiritual then look into various religions or ideas that interest you.

In conclusion, don't waste your short life thinking of all the mistakes and ifs or you'll die very unhappy. Suck it up and do what you must to make yourself truly happy.

I agree wholeheartedly with this!

I am sorry if my first post on this thread came off, sounding like I was trashing you regretful1, I have seen so many hurt by lies on the web, and it astonishes me that people bother to lie about those things that really don't matter, age etc.

If someone you meet on the web doesn't want to talk to people past a certain age, or from a certain part of the country or whatever, then they are not really the bright intelligent people we thought they were when they first spoke, and it would be in our best interest to leave them alone and not talk to them.

I freely admitted to all those I cybered with, that I am no shrinking violet, that I don’t have a 10 inch cock, (I told you it is 11 1/2 inches…from my belly button), but if we moved past the cyber, into real life, I told the truth, not because I am a Saint (I’m not) but because the values I hold about truth and deception are more important to me in my own moral code, and I can’t be bothered to have to remember the lies to be consistent with all those I had made friends with.

If those friends talk between themselves, I would so hate to be caught in a lie.

Remember that the famous saying is not, “The lie shall set you free” but “The truth shall set you free”!

Tell the truth from the start, if you don’t want to give your exact age then say you are in your twenty’s or thirties or forties, whichever is the truth, if folks won’t talk to you because of that, then what sort of friend would the make?

I always laugh to myself when I hear the “ten inch brigade” in a chat room, if total fantasy is what people are looking for, they can expect to get bitten on the ass, when reality interferes with a real life meeting,

I used to say, if you want a picture of who I am, think “biker dude”, now add 50 lbs, give him gray in his long beard and a touch at his temples (he is early forties after all), a ponytail hair style (to compensate for the baldness on top), a long back and short legs (genes what can we say about that?), glasses, and a few scars here and there. Funnily enough I could pull and find plenty of cyber partners with a description like that, because it was a description that is believable and it also happens to be true.

Those people who I still talk to a lot on line, are friends I made from that description and who know the truth about me (not all the truth, but that is only because we have not covered every topic in the world, if I am asked a question about anything, they will get a truthful answer to their question), the ones that fell by the wayside are the liars, the dissemblers, and the procrastinators about meeting. Oh and one that I had talked to sent her younger sister to meet me, I had seen pictures (of this sister) and she looked like she should have, but the spark and the bubble that I loved in the online personality, was not there when I was talking to the fake, at the end of the first half hour, I asked her straight if she was the person I was expecting to meet or a stooge, she told the truth, that it was her sister who I had been talking to for a year, but she was a bit overweight and felt it would be better to be her younger sister.

There were tears, and I tried to get past the lies, because I really cared about the lie person she had created, but the real person that she was, (she kept in a little box somewhere and cried to in the night), could not get past the guilt of the lies and she broke of the friendship about a month after she was caught. I actually like BBW more than I like the skinny ones, so if she had been honest that would not have been a bad thing. Her real age was closer to my own, and that would not have affected a thing, she was not working, but had spent hours inventing details from her sisters job, all pointless in the run of things.

I have been the other side of the lies, and I don’t think it is a place I would ever want to be again, this is the main reason for the harshness of my post.

If only people could ask for and be told the truth all the time, what a wonderful world this would be!

“Oh! And yes your ass does look big in those”, but then you suspected that before you asked the question, and you shouldn’t really be upset when I tell you it does…But please know in your heart of hearts, that I love every inch of that ass, and if you ask my opinion, the truth as I see it will be what you get. So know that I love you, and if you want to put on something not quite so tight, we can go out as soon as you are dressed.

 

[Matienee]

Having not been in the situation I can't really say what I would do myself, but I can say what happened with my mother.

She got really heavily into the chats when she first got her computer, was lying about her age about herself and everything and was in it to just have a good time. Then it happened, she met a guy who made her fall in love. They would chat all the time, talk on the phone all the time, she wanted to meet him but would have to come clear with all the lies she had said.

But she didn't tell him over the phone or even online, she let him come to her house and opened the door and let him see for himself. Only warning she had given him was that she would have a surprise for him and that he may be shocked.

He took it well, they talked alot about it and she explained her personal reasons for having done it and he accepted that. They where married in 2002 and have been wonderfully happy since then.

I guess what I'm getting at is, if you care so much you owe it to yourself to tell him the truth and let him decide for himself what to do. Choosing to let him go easy so it doesn't hurt him isn't doing yourself any favours nor him in my opinion.

Good luck with it all!

 

[cinnamonstick]

I think it is time for you to tell the whole truth and let the chips fall where they may. Waiting will not make it any easier. And you may be who he wants. I would think he likes the person he talks to not the package. Sometimes people have a fantasy version of who they want but that is not who they end up with.
It was wrong to lie about your age and what you look like but what's done is done. He may stop talking with you but you will stop beating yourself up about it and move on.

 

[ReadyOne]

You want him? The only chance is tell the truth.

You want to get rid of him? Tell him some more lies, constructed so that you can't every take up with him again. You can even make him hate you. No problem -- you're anonymous.

 

[Bluewolfcry]

I gotta agree with Wolk on this one!

You keep thinking that if you tell him the truth you will be hurting him worse than his not knowing, BUT you have no idea how he thinks of you.

He may have put you on a pedastool as his perfect woman and will continually strive to meet you or someone like you, BUT if you just ignore him or tell him you don't wanna talk anymore without tellign him the truth. YOu may just cause a ripple that shoudl not be there.

EVERYONE hates games and EVERYONE hates being lied too.

TRy acting like a mature adult and tell him the truth.

You are obviously feeling guilty about what you have done or it wouldn't bother you so much.

Lying has never helped out anyone, it will always cause more pain than telling the truth.

Plus you will be teaching him a lesson about not always trusting those you meet on the internet!!!!

I hope you will use your computer more wisely next time.

YOu are no better than all the other predators out on the internet. Even though your lies were pretty mild, you still deceived this guy!

 

[lisasmurf]

the truth

the thurh shell set you free!
any one heard that line before

Try it it works!

all that person has is the truth or cut him loose and never now "what IF"

it a Bitch to live with what if's.........

you can't handle the truth< jack Nickson
ps a 100 post before we get our wing(av) Bummer i got to get to work