How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a
respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary
society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive
through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the
reception. "William, what are those women doing leaning against
lampposts?" "Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for
sex at fifty dollars a time." "Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the
bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."

 

[wally2450]

 

[done_got_old]

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.

Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."

The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

 

[FallenAngelsSlut]

glory hole humor

 

[FallenAngelsSlut]

Sissy humor

 

[wally2450]

Sissy humor

Lmao! The urinal one.

 

[wally2450]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went
before the Congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion,
they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so
would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive
and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the
preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how
much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a
gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the
back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we
wear rubbers." And the Congregation said, "Amen."

 

[wally2450]

Beverly Computer-billies

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
(Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...)

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Silicon Valley...
(Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...)

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
(OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...)

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and managers were getting’ mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
(Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...)

Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
(Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...)

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, and watch the bosses squirm.
(Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...)
Y'all come back now... ya hear'

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.literacyrules.com/LITerotica/porn-ratio.jpg

 

[MercyMia]

A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

 

[done_got_old]

A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

I love it! Very good!

 

[wally2450]

The parlor maid in the home of a famous acting family was openly
desired and admired by the nineteen-year-old son of the household. He
schemed and schemed, but could think of no way to get the young woman
into his bed. Finally, one evening, opportunity presented itself and
he persuaded the young miss to join him between the sheets. Much to
his despair and chagrin, his weapon refused to come to attention.
"Don't feel so bad," the parlor maid said. "The same thing often
happens to your father."


Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream
louder in bed. The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed
out and listened to the girl moan for a bit. The second one went in
and the girl screamed a little bit harder. When the third one went
in, the girl SCREAMED! And SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl
came out moaning. The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The
guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head."

 

[2sunshine]

http://www.literacyrules.com/LITerotica/porn-ratio.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde
in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good
Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them Again she nodded at each of them, said
"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied,
"Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Never Piss Off A Texas Woman
>
A Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in
bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury,and
cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door,
and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker
in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she
picked up an old carpenter's saw.
>
The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop!
"You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her
husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire,
and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!!!"

 

[smoothdevil]

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to
real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

 

[smoothdevil]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

 

[wally2450]

Bob and Sue were married for five years and sex was becoming routine
and boring. "Look," said Bob, "if you don't put some more action into
it in the sack, I'm gonna go out and get me some strange stuff."
"Listen, Romeo," said Sue, "if you could somehow manage just a teensy
inch or two more, you'd be into some strange stuff right here!"


A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother
wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get
her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like
for her. "So," says the mom, "now that you have started dating,
what's it like getting intimate with young men?" "Oh, you know how it
is," replies the daughter. "Boys are always insensitive and never
care if intimacy isn't working for me." "How?" asks mom. "Oh,
stuff...." says daughter. "Really now, you can trust me. I think that
its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters,"
continues mom. "I don't know," answers the daughter. "Now don't
forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was
like for me," says mom. "OK," says the reluctant daughter. "For
starters, how do you get their cum out of your hair?"

 

[wally2450]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted "Don't do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for? He does!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

 

[MercyMia]

"OK," says the reluctant daughter. "For
starters, how do you get their cum out of your hair?"

LOL!

 

[done_got_old]

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "FOOL".

The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their name.

"But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."

 

[wally2450]

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

 

[Cathleen]

http://i83.photobucket.com/albums/j292/tmcbos/WannaBuyAVowel1.jpg​

 

[wally2450]

College is like a woman You work so hard to get in, and nine months
later you wish you'd never come.





And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he
came upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife smiled at her
companion. "See?" she said, "I told you he was stupid!"



Three old women were talking about their love lives. The first said,
"My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated." The
second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful." The third
said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to
jump on while it's still going."

 

[done_got_old]

http://i83.photobucket.com/albums/j292/tmcbos/WannaBuyAVowel1.jpg​

this is too cute