How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

************ ********* ********* ********* **

 

[smoothdevil]

last but not least ........

Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

************ ********* ********* ********* **

 

[smoothdevil]

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two. We haven't used Sears repair since.

______________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS

____________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg. He was a Chef?

Yep...From Kansas City !

______________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge. To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

_________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

__________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

___________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open! His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !

___________________________________________

STAY ALERT! They walk among us .. and they REPRODUCE!

 

[wally2450]

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two. We haven't used Sears repair since.

______________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS

____________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg. He was a Chef?

Yep...From Kansas City !

______________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge. To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

_________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

__________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

___________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open! His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !

___________________________________________

STAY ALERT! They walk among us .. and they REPRODUCE!

 

[wally2450]

Beer, the Wheel and politics

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of
nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the
mountains during the summer and would go to the coast
and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were
the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These
were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that
was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass
bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while
our early humans were sitting around waiting for them
to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals
to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This
was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative
movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
learned to live off the conservatives by showing up
for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing,
fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of
the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into
women. The rest became known as girliemen, also
referred to Metrosexuals.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, wearing matching clothes
between spouses, the invention of group therapy, group
hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide
how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by
the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the
elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.
They eat raw fish but like their beef welldone. Sushi,
tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of
their women have higher testosterone levels than their
men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are
engineers, IT persons, big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, athletes, Marines and generally anyone who
works productively. Conservatives who own companies
hire other conservatives who want to work for a
living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West
was tamed and created a business of trying to get more
for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should
be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A
Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be
forwarded immediately to other true believers and to
more liberals just to tick them off.

 

[smoothdevil]

Bill and Lynn had married under none too happy circumstances, and
their
married life had not been anything to brag about either.
But when, after they had lived together for thirty five years, Bill
went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of
Michigan
gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the
judge demanded to know the grounds on which Bill based his demand for
an annulment.
"It's like this, your Honor," answered Bill, "I've just learned that
Lynn's father never had a license to carry a gun."

lol lol ... he must be on the idiot list

 

[wally2450]

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man
discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal
correspondence. He went into the small town nearby and found only an
old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice
looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do
you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can until I have an
orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

 

[sutherngent985]

STAY ALERT! They walk among us .. and they REPRODUCE!

OMG and its the truth LOLOL

 

[wally2450]

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession
going down Main St. Watching for awhile, he observed that
the cortege consisted entirely of men and that it was led
by a man holding a Doberman pincher on a leash. WHen his
curiosity got the better of him, he walked up to the man at
the front of the line. "Excuse me for interrupting you in
your time of grief," said Hank politely, "but I've never
seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me
who it's for."

It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner. Tightening
the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman
here killed her."

"Gee,..that's terrible," commiserated Hank. "But,...hmmmm...
is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder
and answered, "Get in line."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/163777.gif

 

[done_got_old]

Architects and engineers compete to see whose team can build the most spectacular structure using little more than cans of food at Canstruction, the 13th annual NYC Design and Build competition.

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/can%20food%20contest/two.jpg

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/can%20food%20contest/three.jpg

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/can%20food%20contest/twelve.jpg

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/can%20food%20contest/ten.jpg

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/can%20food%20contest/snoopy.jpg

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/can%20food%20contest/six.jpg

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/can%20food%20contest/seven.jpg

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/can%20food%20contest/octopus.jpg

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/can%20food%20contest/nine.jpg

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/can%20food%20contest/hotdog.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/can%20food%20contest/gas%20pumps.jpg

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/can%20food%20contest/four.jpg

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/can%20food%20contest/five.jpg

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/can%20food%20contest/eleven.jpg

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/can%20food%20contest/eight.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Date

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eozqpG0X0PA

 

[wally2450]

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes,
he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so
scared that When my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with
the woman next door."



Bud and Dan went to a strip bar to watch the girls. They're having a
good time; but one of the strippers walks back over to Bud with a
mean look on her face.

She says, " You can't tip me with Monopoly money! It's FAKE!!"

Well, Bud looks up at her and says back, "Well, look at those
titties, their FAKE!!"

 

[wally2450]

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so
they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down
to three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to
give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one
with the best answer would get the job. The question was: There is a
man and a woman in bed, naked. The woman is lying on her side with
her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the
woman's back. What is the man's name? Well, after the 24 hours was
up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one
says " My answer is, there IS no answer." The second one says " My
answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the
information we were given." The THIRD one says " I'm not exactly
sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either Willie
Turner or Willie Taylor." He got the job!

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/164036.jpg

 

[wally2450]

THE PAP SMEAR

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist.
Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell
me
that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school,
and it was already around 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office
took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when
making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make
the
full effort.

So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet
the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a
quick
wash in "that area" to make sure it was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes,
hopped
in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was
called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure most of you do,
I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side
of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a
million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an
extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond.

When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief
and went home. The rest of the day was normal...some
shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing,
she called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my
washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She
replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink.
It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

 

[wally2450]

A child asks his mother, "Do all fairy tales begin with, 'Once upon a
time?'"
His mother answers, "No, dear. Once in a while they begin with 'I'll
be
working late at the office tonight.'"
"Does Daddy tell you fairy tales like that ?"
"He used to."
"What made him stop ?"
"One day he told me he'd be working late, and I said, 'Can I depend
on
that ?'"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/164377.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Quotes

"Donald Rumsfeld back in the news. He's writing a book
about his experiences as secretary of Defense. Apparently,
he has no problem starting a book, he just has no idea
how to end the damn thing."
- Craig Ferguson

"Paris Hilton hysteria is starting to die down. I spotted
her at LAX wearing a dark wig and a straw hat. She went to
Maui. Which is nice because ever since Don died, Hawaii's
been looking for a new 'Ho'."
- Jimmy Kimmel

"She (Paris Hilton) said she had to eat mystery meat. I
think I've actually seen video of her doing that."
- David Letterman

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/164419.jpg

 

[wally2450]

George W. was terribly depressed after the latest public opinion poll
and presidential popularity ratings. He got the bright idea of
quizzing the spirit of Abraham Lincoln, so he got his aides to
organize a seance: "O, great Lincoln, immortal icon of the Republican
Party, help me! I am beset by enemies overseas, hounded by the
Liberal Media, criticized even by members of my own political party.
What must I do to get out this hornets' nest? What's the best
decision I could make for the American people?" And the Shade of
Lincoln answered: "Lincoln here. Take it easy, Dubya. You just need a
change of pace. Do what I did. Take a night off and go to the theatre."

 

[smoothdevil]

A woman goes to her doctor's office to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.

She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

 

[wally2450]

On The Farm

The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college
education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the
train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter
whispered,
"I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more." The old
man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I
made
to give you a good education, you still say ain't!"

 

[smoothdevil]

GOOD*

In Richardson , Texas State Trooper was running
radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders,
but wasn't getting any.

Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"

The officer later found a young accomplice down the
road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we
used to just sell lemonade!) **

BETTER* *

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding
through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


** BEST **

A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for
speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window,
flipping open his ticket book, she said,

"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the
Texas State Police Ball."

He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd
just said.. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.