How to make people laugh

[done_got_old]

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over a million dollars last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

 

[wally2450]

One friend of Sam met him and he was very angry. The friend asked him
what happened and the blonde guy, Sam, said, "My wife just delivered
twins..."

Surprised, his friend said, "So!?! You should be happy! Why are you
so angry???"

Guess what Sam replied, banging his hands together... "I want to know
which S.O.B. is the father of the second child!!!"



The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as
his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to
forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied
he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still
unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his
question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded
except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how
a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the
world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly
turned around and said: "It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."

 

[wally2450]

Slogan Competition Runner Up

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk , with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5 , 000 for the best slogan.

The company wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."

She though to herself , I know all about milk and dairy farms ... I can do this!
She sent in her entry , and about a week later , a black limo drove up in front of her house ... a man got out and said , "Carnation LOVED your entry so much , we are here to award you $2,000 , even though we will not be able to use it..." Here is her entry: [IMG]http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/164811.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Blond Visits The Bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $25.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000 on a $250,000 car?"

The blond looks at him coolly and replies "Where else in New York City can I park my car in a guarded lot for two weeks for only $25.41?"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/165068.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A young French girl was visiting New York when her cash funds run dry and
her visa expired. She met a sailor who agreed to stow her aboard his ship
that was about to sail. Every day he would bring her food and drink and
in return all she had to do was give him a bit of love. Lacking much choice,
the girl agreed.

And so everyday, the sailor brought some food and would get some loving in
return. This went on for several weeks until the captain saw the sailor
sneaking around with a tray of food and the whole affair was uncovered.
The captain felt obliged to apologize to the girl:

"I'm very sorry about all that has happened to you, but you have to admit
the sailor is smart. Do you know you're on the Staten Island Ferry?"

 

[wally2450]

After dinner, Susie settled on the couch next to John and started
removing his clothes. Wordlessly, she made it clear that they were
going to make love. Afterward, John said, "That was very nice, but
why didn't you just say something?" Susie purred, "At dinner you said
you'd like a little peace and quiet tonight. Well, you got your
little piece, and I was being quiet!"

 

[smoothdevil]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really Doan-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna DA business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.

Whadda you gonna do then ... Pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"

 

[done_got_old]

cialis

 

[midwestyankee]

cialis

BTDT....and it's still hilarious.

 

[bobsgirl]

cialis

Very funny.

 

[smoothdevil]

> A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped
> at was the breeding bulls.
>
> They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
>
> "This bull mated 50 times last year."
>
> The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50
> times last year."
>
> They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
>
> "This bull mated 120 times last year. "
>
> The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a
> week! You could learn a lot from him."
>
> They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
> capital letters,
>
> "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR!"
>
> The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,
> "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
>
> The husband looked at her and said,
>
> "Why don't you go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
>
>

 

[smoothdevil]

>>The Sensitive Aussie Male:
>>
>>
>>
>> A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the
>> West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly
>> and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to
>> her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted
>> by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The

>> Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
>> really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

>> 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

>> The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young

>> Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
>> the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was

>> dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and
>> has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself
together and asks what the good news is.
>> The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few

>> really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
>> we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a

>> couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks.
>> They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So
>> what's the other possible good news? 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you

>> fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11
>> o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
>>
>>

 

[wally2450]

> A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped
> at was the breeding bulls.
>
> They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
>
> "This bull mated 50 times last year."
>
> The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50
> times last year."
>
> They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
>
> "This bull mated 120 times last year. "
>
> The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a
> week! You could learn a lot from him."
>
> They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
> capital letters,
>
> "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR!"
>
> The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,
> "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
>
> The husband looked at her and said,
>
> "Why don't you go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
>
>

 

[wally2450]

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court, when I noticed
an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and
blue.

The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter
old man, never done anything wild in your life?

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

[wally2450]

The husband and wife were undressing one night when she said, "Joyce
and Mary were talking about their husbands' anatomy today. Joyce said
that her husband filled out his shorts so well that they hired him to
model jockey shorts." Her husband said, "So?" "Then Mary said her
husband got so long and hard that they hired him to model condoms."
"I hope you stood up for me," he said. "I did," his wife replied." I
told them you could be a model, too." "Thank you." "If," she went on,
"anybody needed a model for a cocktail wiener."


Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when
the first one says: "My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two
girls at once." The other replies, "Yeah, most men do. What did you
tell him?" I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you
want to piss off two?

 

[wally2450]

Four old duffers are pounding their balls around the links
when a sudden thunderstorm pops up. >>ZAP<< A bolt of
lightning kills all four in one stroke. Soon, they find themselves at
the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter is all upset, papers flying in the air, "You guys aren't
supposed to be here yet. It's not your time! I'll tell ya what...I can
put you all back on Earth to finish out your days, but you have to
decide how. That is, everyone down there already knows you're all
dead,
so I can't send you back as who you were. Figure it out amongst
yourselves and I'll check back with you later."

Some time goes by and St. Peter returns, "Well, have you decided how
you
want to go back?"

One of the golfers steps forward, "St. Peter, we've decided that we
all
want to go back to earth as lesbians."

"LESBIANS!" St. Peter shouts, "why lesbians?"

"Well, sir, we all love to eat pussy and we wanna hit from
the red tees."

 

[wally2450]

Foxholes

During the Persian Gulf War, the Marine Corps unit had
to dig foxholes every time they changed positions. Once,
when a private was making his trench, he complained to
the sergeant, "Why do we have to do this stupid digging?"

Then there was a loud explosion a hundred feet away.

"What was that?" asked the private.

"That," replied the sergeant, "is called incentive."







Ask a question

An elderly couple, Minnie and Max, sit down to their
dinner. Before eating, his wife speaks up. "Can I ask
you a question, Max?"

"Sure Minnie," Max says, waiting to dig into his meal.

"Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?"

"Yes, indeed!" Max replied. "For the twenty years I was
a bachelor!"

 

[wally2450]

There was a schoolteacher in the little old school which was teaching
sex ed. The class was comprised of only 8 students, due to the size
of the school. One of the little girls there asked, "According to the
Bible, it says that Adam came first, then Eve. The teacher replied,
"Yes, dear, that is true, according to the Word Of God." The girl
responded, "Daddy always told me it is Ladies before Gentlemen.
Didn't that rule apply during the Creation time?" Our teacher gets a
smile on her face... she said, "Dearie, Adam came first -- trust me!
And every man since him came first, too!"


My brother told me he's going to visit his son who lives in a
university dorm. "I hope you're not just planning on showing up," I
said. "No, I gave him fair warning. I called him and told him: 'hide
the bongs, the booze and the dildos--me and mom are coming for a
visit." "What did he say?" "He said, 'Dad, you know I don't drink or
do drugs.'"

 

[wally2450]

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old Texas
rancher (whose hand got caught in a gate while working cattle), a
doctor asked the old man what he thought about George W. Bush being
in the White House. The old Texan said, 'Well, ya know, Bush is a
'post turtle.'' Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked
him what a post turtle was. The old man said, 'When you're riding the
range and checking fences, and you come across a fence post with a
turtle balanced on top of it, that's a post turtle.' The doctor still
had a puzzled look on his face, so the old man continued to explain,
'You know he didn't get up there by himself, you know he doesn't
belong there, he sure as heck can't get anything done while he's up
there,... and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down.

 

[done_got_old]

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she's using the ATM "thingy".

 

[done_got_old]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive ! wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I've just killed the old cow,' and the rest happened like lightning!"

 

[done_got_old]

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day, only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his wood, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously, "Whatcha doin', Dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replied, "Whatcha gonna do, screw him?"

 

[Denae]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive ! wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I've just killed the old cow,' and the rest happened like lightning!"

My mother is so going to love this joke

 

[done_got_old]

My mother is so going to love this joke

Sometimes you read something and know exactly who'd love it.