done_got_old
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NippleMuncher said:
That's why wives murder their husbands! LOL Good one.
How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
That's why wives murder their husbands! LOL Good one.
glynndah
good little witch.
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2005
- Posts
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A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It is so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I will model naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!”
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Friday.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It is so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I will model naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!”
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Friday.
MagicFingers
Literotica Guru
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Thanks for all the laughs. I really need them
Of course we know these aren't true but they're worth a laugh or two!
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve:
10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden, because he
wouldn't ask for directions.
9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote.
(Parenthetically, it has been proven that men don't want to see what's ON
TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new
one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains of childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything
else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. And the No. 1 reason of all: God stepped back, looked at Adam, and
declared, "I can do better than that."
Of course we know these aren't true but they're worth a laugh or two!
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve:
10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden, because he
wouldn't ask for directions.
9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote.
(Parenthetically, it has been proven that men don't want to see what's ON
TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new
one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains of childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything
else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. And the No. 1 reason of all: God stepped back, looked at Adam, and
declared, "I can do better than that."
glynndah
good little witch.
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- Jun 25, 2005
- Posts
- 26,905
Someone sent me this today. I have no idea if it's true or not.
You gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F---you!" Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD
"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow......"
You gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F---you!" Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD
"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow......"
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his I.R.S. agent and
his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they
arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the
room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on
each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed
contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one
said anything. Both the I.R.S. agent and lawyer were touched and
flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during
his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had
never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of
them. Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two
of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then
said weakly," "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want
to go, too."
his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they
arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the
room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on
each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed
contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one
said anything. Both the I.R.S. agent and lawyer were touched and
flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during
his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had
never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of
them. Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two
of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then
said weakly," "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want
to go, too."
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggles rise from the brush.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"
He asks her, "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head."
...... SO, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"
He asks her, "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head."
...... SO, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
done_got_old
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- 269,162
*TV News*
A chicken crosses the road. Here's how some of the media covers it.
Here's our trusty NBC camera crew, on the trail of heartwarming sports news for "Inside Stuff." Today's topic: Young chicks cross the road.
Geraldo Rivera: Stay tuned as a panel of chickens reveals the shocking truth.
Andy Rooney I could have said "Didja ever wonder why it is that the chicken crossed the road, and which road it was?" But I didn't. I did ask some turkeys, however, and this is what they said...
Gene Siskel: I don't know why it crossed the road, but I loved it. Thumbs up!
Roger Ebert: I disagree. The whole thing left the audience wondering; the chicken's crossing the road was never clearly explained and the chicken didn't emote very well. It couldn't even speak English! Thumbs down!
Ed Sullivan: It was the talk of the town.
New York Times Editorial Board: She should be awarded the pullet surprise.
A chicken crosses the road. Here's how some of the media covers it.
Here's our trusty NBC camera crew, on the trail of heartwarming sports news for "Inside Stuff." Today's topic: Young chicks cross the road.
Geraldo Rivera: Stay tuned as a panel of chickens reveals the shocking truth.
Andy Rooney I could have said "Didja ever wonder why it is that the chicken crossed the road, and which road it was?" But I didn't. I did ask some turkeys, however, and this is what they said...
Gene Siskel: I don't know why it crossed the road, but I loved it. Thumbs up!
Roger Ebert: I disagree. The whole thing left the audience wondering; the chicken's crossing the road was never clearly explained and the chicken didn't emote very well. It couldn't even speak English! Thumbs down!
Ed Sullivan: It was the talk of the town.
New York Times Editorial Board: She should be awarded the pullet surprise.
wally2450
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- Dec 12, 2005
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- 12,353
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ
of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa
convention in San Francisco, and several members
lunched at a local cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker
contained pepperand their pepper shaker was full of
salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles
without spilling, and using only the implements at
hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!
The group debated and presented ideas, and finally
came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin,
a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the
waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice
that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt
shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that."
She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched
them.
of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa
convention in San Francisco, and several members
lunched at a local cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker
contained pepperand their pepper shaker was full of
salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles
without spilling, and using only the implements at
hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!
The group debated and presented ideas, and finally
came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin,
a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the
waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice
that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt
shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that."
She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched
them.
wally2450
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- Dec 12, 2005
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done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
wally2450 said:
LMAO ..... super ...
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A policeman stopped at a local drive-up restaurant to buy his dinner
one evening. There was a car parked in the drive-in area which was...
"rockin'" He went over to the car and saw a young couple "going at
it!" He knocked on the glass, and said, "Are you performing a lewd
and indecent act in a public place? Should I run you in?" The young
man coolly said, "Why, NO, Officer... I'm just teaching my girlfriend
what to do if she gets pulled over by the police, and doesn't have
enough money to pay the fine if she gets a ticket!"
one evening. There was a car parked in the drive-in area which was...
"rockin'" He went over to the car and saw a young couple "going at
it!" He knocked on the glass, and said, "Are you performing a lewd
and indecent act in a public place? Should I run you in?" The young
man coolly said, "Why, NO, Officer... I'm just teaching my girlfriend
what to do if she gets pulled over by the police, and doesn't have
enough money to pay the fine if she gets a ticket!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
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Aspiring Gunslinger
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who
wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He
practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet
first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the
fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the
old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great
ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on
your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot
the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch o ut of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun
in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more
tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ***, and it won't hurt as
much."
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who
wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He
practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet
first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the
fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the
old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great
ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on
your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot
the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch o ut of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun
in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more
tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ***, and it won't hurt as
much."
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter
and tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were
finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and
said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour but
it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla.
"Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so
bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, See? I told
you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, Oh, God,
darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy
man, always a Navy man!"
and tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were
finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and
said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour but
it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla.
"Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so
bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, See? I told
you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, Oh, God,
darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy
man, always a Navy man!"
perfect_deb
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 19, 2007
- Posts
- 578
Miira said:
I actually laughed so hard reading this i cried!
funniest thing i've read in ages
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Obituary Notice
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, Common Sense. Common Sense
lived a long life but died in the United States from heart failure on the
brink of the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, and
factories helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For
decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits held no power over
Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to
know when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and
that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge,
not the kids), and it's okay to come in second.
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the
Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived trends including body
piercing, whole language, and "new math." But his health declined when he
became infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus.
In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of
well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good
people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly
deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a
classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and
a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his
condition. It declined even further when schools had to get parental
consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parent
when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment
than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the
Boy Scouts to professional sports.
Finally, when a woman, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee
was hot, was awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.
As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept
informed of developments regarding questionable regulations such as those
for low flow toilets, rocking chairs, and stepladders.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is
survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, Common Sense. Common Sense
lived a long life but died in the United States from heart failure on the
brink of the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, and
factories helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For
decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits held no power over
Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to
know when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and
that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge,
not the kids), and it's okay to come in second.
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the
Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived trends including body
piercing, whole language, and "new math." But his health declined when he
became infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus.
In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of
well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good
people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly
deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a
classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and
a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his
condition. It declined even further when schools had to get parental
consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parent
when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment
than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the
Boy Scouts to professional sports.
Finally, when a woman, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee
was hot, was awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.
As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept
informed of developments regarding questionable regulations such as those
for low flow toilets, rocking chairs, and stepladders.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is
survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
I was driving into the old historic section of town and found Tim, one of the bartenders at The River City Grill curled up on a curb alongside the road in tears.
I stopped the car and hollered over to him, "Hey, Tim, what the hell happened to you?"
Wiping away his tears, he moaned, "Look at my new convertible!" He pointed to a crashed car down the street, wrapped around a tree trunk.
"Shit, man, don't cry. Get the insurance settlement and just buy another car," I level-headedly advised.
"Look inside the car," Tim moaned.
After looking, I continued to console him.
"Aww, dude, don't worry! You can always find another blonde."
Tim looked at me and wailed agonizingly, "Look inside her mouth!"
I stopped the car and hollered over to him, "Hey, Tim, what the hell happened to you?"
Wiping away his tears, he moaned, "Look at my new convertible!" He pointed to a crashed car down the street, wrapped around a tree trunk.
"Shit, man, don't cry. Get the insurance settlement and just buy another car," I level-headedly advised.
"Look inside the car," Tim moaned.
After looking, I continued to console him.
"Aww, dude, don't worry! You can always find another blonde."
Tim looked at me and wailed agonizingly, "Look inside her mouth!"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
A woman was fuckin' around while her husband was at work.
One day she and her boyfriend were heavy goin' at it, when, to the woman's horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ it’s raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it's raining."
One day she and her boyfriend were heavy goin' at it, when, to the woman's horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ it’s raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it's raining."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
A woman who is uncomfortable watching a guy masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
b) Is uptight and a waste of time.
c) Shouldn't have sat next to him on the bus in the first place.
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
b) Is uptight and a waste of time.
c) Shouldn't have sat next to him on the bus in the first place.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
One day, after striking gold in Alaska , a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon ," he said to the bartender.
"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers.
He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled,
"I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon ."
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well, you
found her." Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."
"I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon ," he said to the bartender.
"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers.
He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled,
"I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon ."
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well, you
found her." Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
During math class, Mrs. Johnson, the teacher, is giving short pop quizzes:
Mrs. Johnson: If there are three pigeons sitting in a tree and we shoot one, how many pigeons are left?
Johnny: None, because after the first pigeon is shot, all the rest will fly away.
Mrs. Johnson: Well, although this is not the mathematically correct answer I was hoping for, I appreciate your train of thought.
Johnny: Mrs. Johnson, may I also ask a question?
Mrs. Johnson: Sure, participation is good!
Johnny: Three women are eating ice cream cones on the street. One is taking bites out of hers, another is licking while the third one is sucking on hers. Which one of them is married?
Mrs. Johnson: Uh, er, the one who is sucking?
Johnny: Well, no, it's the one with the wedding ring. But I appreciate your train of thought!
Mrs. Johnson: If there are three pigeons sitting in a tree and we shoot one, how many pigeons are left?
Johnny: None, because after the first pigeon is shot, all the rest will fly away.
Mrs. Johnson: Well, although this is not the mathematically correct answer I was hoping for, I appreciate your train of thought.
Johnny: Mrs. Johnson, may I also ask a question?
Mrs. Johnson: Sure, participation is good!
Johnny: Three women are eating ice cream cones on the street. One is taking bites out of hers, another is licking while the third one is sucking on hers. Which one of them is married?
Mrs. Johnson: Uh, er, the one who is sucking?
Johnny: Well, no, it's the one with the wedding ring. But I appreciate your train of thought!
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Vickie and John had split-up a few months ago, but still remained
good friends, which worked out nicely, since they lived in the same
apartment building. One day John slipped on the ice and broke his
arm. He met Vickie in the elevator and she asked if there was
anything she could do to help. John said, "Well, if it's not too much
trouble, could you help me take a bath?" Vickie readily agreed and
soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.
"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look John, it still recognizes me."
Noticing that her husband's relationship with the alluring young miss
across the street was becoming more than a little friendly, the
suspicious wife awoke one morning to find herself alone in bed.
Angered, she dialed her attractive neighbor and bellowed into the
phone, "Tell my husband to get his ass across the street." "Ma'am," a
soft, sexy voice replied, "That's where he's been getting it for some
time now."
good friends, which worked out nicely, since they lived in the same
apartment building. One day John slipped on the ice and broke his
arm. He met Vickie in the elevator and she asked if there was
anything she could do to help. John said, "Well, if it's not too much
trouble, could you help me take a bath?" Vickie readily agreed and
soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.
"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look John, it still recognizes me."
Noticing that her husband's relationship with the alluring young miss
across the street was becoming more than a little friendly, the
suspicious wife awoke one morning to find herself alone in bed.
Angered, she dialed her attractive neighbor and bellowed into the
phone, "Tell my husband to get his ass across the street." "Ma'am," a
soft, sexy voice replied, "That's where he's been getting it for some
time now."
Bottomlover
Super Genius
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2002
- Posts
- 486
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his
awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of
action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up
a conversation said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and
enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
"relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I
sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his
awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of
action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up
a conversation said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and
enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
"relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I
sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
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