How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when
they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the
following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece
of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from
all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what
they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of
their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This
looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race
as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this
statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so,
they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they
even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high
intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit
the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for
food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they
were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and
said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our
interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and
said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings
say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't
read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look
again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

 

[wally2450]

You know you lead a sad life when a nymphomaniac comes up to you and
says,"Let's just be friends."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/172356.jpg

 

[wally2450]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"


There was dead silence on the line for a long moment............................

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

 

[smoothdevil]

You know you lead a sad life when a nymphomaniac comes up to you and
says,"Let's just be friends."

lol lol lol ................ super

 

[wally2450]

Bedroom Golf

The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.

Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole while keeping the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.

Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course.

The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.

Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.

If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play.

It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.

Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player.

It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.

 

[wally2450]

The redneck patient was being admonished by the doctor at the local
health clinic. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you
ain't to have no relations whatsoever!" Pausing for a moment, the
young patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbors?"

 

[wally2450]

A blonde guy is in a sports bar crying to the guy on the next stool
about his wife. "I thought she might be seeing another guy when I was
at work. I work nights. Last night I took a day off work and spied on
her. Sure enough a car drove up and a guy goes to my door. My wife
opens the door and she's all dolled up and they embrace and smooch.
They get in the car and I follow them. They went out for dinner
playing footsie, holding hands and cooing at each other the whole
time. Then they went to a movie and I went and sat behind them. They
smooched through the whole movie. Then they went back to my house and
went inside. I saw them in front of the window kissing and then the
light went out! I can't stand it!" The other guy says, "Yea, it must
be terrible knowing your wife has been sleeping around on you." The
blonde guy says, "How can I tell for sure? The light went out!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/173061.jpg

 

[wally2450]

The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me
the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I
found a new route. Now I need some birth control pills." The doc
asked, "What's his occupation?" The girl said, "Army." "Active or
retired?" "If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills,
would I?"

 

[wally2450]

A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers. The little boy
says, "Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a prostitute and works all
night. She sleeps during the day" The salesman scratches his head and
says, "Well, I'll be a son of a bitch" The little boy replies, "I'm a
bastard myself, but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells and
telling them about it."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/173543.jpg

 

[MercyMia]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/173061.jpg

LOL! Ouch!

 

[wally2450]

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili."

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine tough guy, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Sergeant.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Sergeant was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"

What," replied the Marine, "and have you two assholes report that I was the aggressor?"

 

[sutherngent985]

OMG...that is SO funny and SO true...

 

[wally2450]

One day a police officer was driving her squad through the cemetery
as police officers do on the midnight shift. She came upon an auto
with its headlights off and no persons were visible. The officer
exited her vehicle and approached the suspicious auto and noticed two
youthful occupants jump up and began to button their clothing. The
officer stated, "Didn't you see the sign on the front gate -- closed
after 6:00 P.M.?" The youth responded, "No ma'am, officer. We came in
the back gate where it says get lots while you're young!!!!"

 

[wally2450]

Audrey just managed to squeeze into the crowded subway train. She was
dying to get off her feet but, of course, there were no vacant seats.
The man sitting directly in front of her had a kind face, which
prompted her to say, "I beg your pardon, but I wonder if you'd mind
letting me sit down? You see, I'm going to have a baby." "But of
course," said the kind gent, as he traded places. After a few
minutes, he addressed her as follows: "I'm a family man and can
appreciate your feelings. By the way, when is the blessed event
expected?" "In nine months," she said, "and brother, am I tired!"

 

[wally2450]

A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the desk
clerk to send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman to his room. In
a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens it, there
stands an attractive lady in a Salvation Army uniform. He looks
surprised but invites her in. She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't
you?" He says, "Well, Yes," so she begins to disrobe. When she is
almost undressed, she stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you
married or single?" He says, "I'm married" so she starts to put all
her clothes back on. "What the Hell?", the Texan asks. Her reply,
"We're strictly for the needy, not the greedy".

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/174304.jpg

 

[glynndah]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who
was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried,
except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around
furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone
would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the Cops, but since they didn't know
for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people
with boom boxes?"

He hadn't, and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach.
Then we can find out what she's really doing.

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with
anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked back up the beach and met his wife at the road.

Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "Her name is Sally, and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied. "She...


SCROLL DOWN











(You're gonna hate me for this... Scroll down some more)












A little bit more...........





"She sells C cells by the seashore."

 

[smoothdevil]

Just Another Asshole

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good
proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and
practice a little.

Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He
thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing
... On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M. A. and drags the poor
guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again
"... On the road again..."

The M. A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the M. A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

 

[MercyMia]

"Are you kidding?" says the M. A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

LOL! But maybe the corpse was Willie Nelson

 

[wally2450]

A college student picked up his date at her parents
home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to
take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she
ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.

Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally
he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at
home?"

"No, of course not," she said, "but my Mother's not
looking to get lucky, either."

 

[wally2450]

Little Johnny was 11 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother who became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did the following morning. Here is what Johnny described to his mother:

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick, because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like a doctor would except he is not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. Sis must have put some bigger fruit under her blouse this time because her boyfriend kept on saying how they were the largest melons he had ever felt. He must of gotten real hungry from all that kissing and stuff because she let him take off her blouse and suck on both of them for a long time."

"Then he started getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them were panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. Then this was when the fever really started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten in his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 12 inches long! Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she really got scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should have told her about the one at the lake. Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill it by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he got a muzzle out of his pocket. He slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight! Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. They must have been getting shocked by the eel because they were shaking a lot. After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of the insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the fight, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel was not dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats; they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped on it and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a long fight, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."

 

[wally2450]

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, are lamenting their lack of
a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep
stuck half way thru a fence with its butt facing the tavern. One
drunk says, "I wish that sheep was Jessica Simpson." The other says,
"I just wish it was dark outside!"