How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

An expectant father did not want his coworkers to know that he had a
girlfriend, much less that she was pregnant with his son. Though he
accompanied her to the hospital, he had to report to work while she
was still in labor. As he left, he asked the labor and delivery nurse
to call his office and let him know by using a secret code. "When my
son comes, do not call the office and say that I have become a father
of a boy, otherwise everyone will know. Just tell the receptionist
that the clock has arrived and I will know that my son has been
born." The child arrived but it was a girl. The labor and delivery
nurse thought, "If I tell his office that the clock did not arrive,
he'll think that something has happened to the baby; and he'll be
terribly upset and worried." So she sent the message: "The clock has
arrived, but the pendulum is missing."

 

[done_got_old]

An expectant father did not want his coworkers to know that he had a
girlfriend, much less that she was pregnant with his son. Though he
accompanied her to the hospital, he had to report to work while she
was still in labor. As he left, he asked the labor and delivery nurse
to call his office and let him know by using a secret code. "When my
son comes, do not call the office and say that I have become a father
of a boy, otherwise everyone will know. Just tell the receptionist
that the clock has arrived and I will know that my son has been
born." The child arrived but it was a girl. The labor and delivery
nurse thought, "If I tell his office that the clock did not arrive,
he'll think that something has happened to the baby; and he'll be
terribly upset and worried." So she sent the message: "The clock has
arrived, but the pendulum is missing."

very good, thanks

 

[wally2450]

Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife


17. "I finished the Oreo's."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

 

[done_got_old]

One day as a blonde was walking along the shore of a huge lake.

She spotted another blonde on the opposite shore.

She cupped her hands together and shouted "How do I get to the other side?"

The other blonde cupped her hands together and shouted "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!"

 

[wally2450]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother and father kiss you on the cheek."

 

[MercyMia]

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother and father kiss you on the cheek."

LOL!



Today we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turns 34.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on
her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

 

[done_got_old]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."

 

[wally2450]

LOL!



Today we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turns 34.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on
her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

 

[wally2450]

Three sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they
recently have eaten. The first one says: "I swallowed an Italian
yesterday, but the guy had eaten so much garlic I still feel sick."
The second shark says: "That's nothing, pal! I swallowed a Russian
last week, and the old guy had so much vodka in him that I'm still
drunk." The third shark laughs and said: "You lucky guys! I swallowed
George W. Bush three weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his
head, I still can't dive!"

 

[sutherngent985]

LOL!



Today we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turns 34.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on
her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

OMG...LOLOL too funny

 

[wally2450]

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench
complaining about their husbands. "My husband's
losing his mind," one lady said. "Last week he
went out and spent $400 for a waterbed."

"That sounds exciting," the other lady said.

"Exciting, hell," the first old lady said. "The
way my husband's thing has been reacting the last
few years, that waterbed might as well be the
Dead Sea."

 

[smoothdevil]

Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in
Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict. She
noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. From Miss Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of
the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further
back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you
now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately
to change? The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation said, "Land Mines."

ONE MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN

 

[smoothdevil]

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an
endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California
woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South. When the
conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman
started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a
beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought
me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my
husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you
when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?? "

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives
a shit" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"

 

[smoothdevil]

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY, BUT DON'T

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is NEVER good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh . . I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

12. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

13. Thank you. We're challenged by your unique point of view.

14. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

17. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

18. Do I look like a people person?

19. This isn't an office it's HELL with fluorescent lighting.

20. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

21. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

23. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

24. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

26. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

27. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

28. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done.

29. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

30. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

 

[done_got_old]

With the fake Nostradamus quatrains going around e-mail right now, I decided to do some research on him, and found an interesting tidbit.

While Nostradamus was alive, he was in great demand by the various churches and temples in the area. Since this got to be a strain running from place to place, the religious groups got together and hammered out a schedule where they would each get Nostradamus' services for one or two days a month on a rotating basis.

It was the world's first prophet-sharing plan.

 

[wally2450]

As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned
about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but
he had a problem taking orders. One day, I took him aside and
suggested he try something that had worked for me. "Whenever an
officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid," I told him,
"just say, 'Yes, sir.' But in your mind, think, 'You're an idiot!'
Will this work for you?" He smiled at me and replied, "Yes, sir!"

 

[wally2450]

"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist
trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.

"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

~~~~

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the
couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How
devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet.
Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know
her well enough."

 

[wally2450]

Q: What is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a
limp penis?
A: You don't fuck with either one.

 

[smoothdevil]

> An old man and woman were married for many years, even though
>they hated each other.
> >
> > When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be
>heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will
>dig my way up out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest
>of your life!"
> >
> > Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic,
>because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their
>neighborhood.
> >
> > The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To every one's
>relief, he died when he was 68.
> >
> > His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial,
>she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no
>tomorrow.
> > Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you
>afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up out of the grave and
>come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
> >
> > The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him
>buried upside down."
> >
> > My kinda woman

 

[smoothdevil]

>> Number One Idiot
>>
>>
>> I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
>> toxicology at the
>>
>> poison control center. Today, this woman called in
>> very upset because
>>
>> she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly
>> reassured her
>>
>> that the ants are not harmful and there would be no
>> need to bring her
>>
>> daughter into the hospital.
>>
>> She calmed down and at the end of the conversation
>> happened to mention
>>
>> that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
>> order to kill the
>>
>> ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter
>> into the emergency
>>
>> room right away.
>>
>>
>>
>> Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
>>
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>> Number Two Idiot
>>
>>
>> Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield
>> decided to
>>
>> steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
>> successful in
>>
>> getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after
>> they took it for a
>>
>> float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard
>> helicopter coming
>>
>> towards them. It turned out that the chopper was
>> homing in on the
>>
>> emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft
>> was inflated.
>>
>> They are no longer employed at Boeing.
>>
>>
>>
>> Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint
>> might run.
>>
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>> Number Three Idiot
>>
>>
>> A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,
>> walked into the
>>
>> Branch and wrote this: "Put all your muny in this
>> bag."
>>
>> While standing in line, waiting to give his note to
>> the teller, he
>>
>> began to worry that someone had seen him write the
>> note and might call
>>
>> the police before he reached the teller's window.
>>
>> So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street
>> to the Wells
>>
>> Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he
>> handed his note to
>>
>> the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising
>> from his spelling
>>
>> errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the
>> harbor, told him that
>>
>> she could not accept his stickup note because it was
>> written on a Bank
>>
>> of America deposit slip and that he would either have
>> to fill out a
>>
>> Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
>> America.
>>
>> Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and
>> left. He was
>>
>> arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in
>> line back at Bank of
>>
>> America .
>>
>>
>>
>> Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably
>> couldn't read it anyway.
>>
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>> Number Four Idiot
>>
>>
>> A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated
>> speed trap that;
>>
>> measured his speed using radar and photographed his
>> car. He later
>>
>> received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of
>> his car. Instead
>>
>> of payment, he sent the police department a photograph
>> of $40.
>>
>> Several days later, he received a letter from the
>> police that
>>
>> contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He
>> immediately mailed
>>
>> in his $40.
>>
>>
>>
>> Wise guy....... but you still get a sign
>>
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>> Number Five Idiot
>>
>>
>> A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun
>> and demanded
>>
>> all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the
>> cashier put the cash
>>
>> in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he
>> wanted behind the
>>
>> counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it
>> in the bag as
>>
>> well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I
>> don't believe you
>>
>> are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk
>> still refused to
>>
>> give it to him because she didn't believe him.
>>
>> At this point, the robber took his driver's license
>> out of his wallet
>>
>> and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over
>> and agreed that
>>
>> the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in
>> the bag.
>>
>> The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The
>> cashier promptly
>>
>> called the police and gave the name and address of the
>> robber that he
>>
>> got off the license. They arrested the robber two
>> hours later.
>>
>>
>>
>> This guy definitely needs a sign.
>>
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>> Idiot Number
>>
>>
>> A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop
>> nervously waving
>>
>> revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When
>> his partner
>>
>> moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
>>
>>
>>
>> This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
>>
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>> Idiot Number Seven
>>
>>
>> Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty
>> badly. He decided
>>
>> that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor
>> store window,
>>
>> grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder
>> block and heaved it
>>
>> over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced
>> back knocking
>>
>> him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was
>> made of Plexi-Glass.
>>
>> The whole event was caught on videotape.
>>
>>
>>
>> Yep, Here's your sign

 

[smoothdevil]

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember


1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's
called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects
you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and
found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could
be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What
Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point
the wrong way.

 

[smoothdevil]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged
they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers
for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were
installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup
trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents,
the circumstances in the last moments before the crash.

They were not surprised to find in 43 of the 50 states the
recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes
were, "Oh, Shit!"

But the states of Oklahoma, North Dakota, Tennessee, Missouri,
Texas, Arkansas, Alabama and Kentucky were different, where 89.3 percent
of the final words were, "Hold muh beer, I'm gonna try somethin'

 

[wally2450]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged
they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers
for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were
installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup
trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents,
the circumstances in the last moments before the crash.

They were not surprised to find in 43 of the 50 states the
recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes
were, "Oh, Shit!"

But the states of Oklahoma, North Dakota, Tennessee, Missouri,
Texas, Arkansas, Alabama and Kentucky were different, where 89.3 percent
of the final words were, "Hold muh beer, I'm gonna try somethin'

They call them 'rednecks or hillbillys here.' The Canadians have to have a word for them.

 

[wally2450]

The Wisdom of The Indian Chief
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women happily worked in the camp, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night making love, medicine man free."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think He could improve system like that!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/171987.gif