wally2450
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How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
wally2450
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A marriage broker goes to see Mr Cohen, a cofirmed bachelor for many
years.
"Mr Cohen, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the one you need.
You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!"
says the marriage broker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look
after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill
the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'.... I didn't say they were mine!"
years.
"Mr Cohen, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the one you need.
You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!"
says the marriage broker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look
after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill
the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'.... I didn't say they were mine!"
wally2450
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wally2450
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Sheri was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the
skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income
and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals
in love with him, even though he was a married man. "Oh, Sid," she
sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can
be together, the way we were meant to be?" Taking her by the
shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars
on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid
motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?" "No, no..." she
sobbed, heartsick. "Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a
suggestion."
_________
A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her
clothing. 'Look, dear,' she said to her husband, 'I can still get
into the same skirts I had before I got married.' 'Yeah,' he snorted,
'I wish I could say the same.'
skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income
and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals
in love with him, even though he was a married man. "Oh, Sid," she
sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can
be together, the way we were meant to be?" Taking her by the
shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars
on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid
motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?" "No, no..." she
sobbed, heartsick. "Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a
suggestion."
_________
A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her
clothing. 'Look, dear,' she said to her husband, 'I can still get
into the same skirts I had before I got married.' 'Yeah,' he snorted,
'I wish I could say the same.'
wally2450
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Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, “If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you two off.”
Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.
“I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,” the first man says.
“That’s great,” the judge replies. “What did you tell them?”
“I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.”
The other defendant says, “I got 100 people to give up drugs!”
“One hundred! How?” asks the judge.
“Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison…’”
Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.
“I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,” the first man says.
“That’s great,” the judge replies. “What did you tell them?”
“I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.”
The other defendant says, “I got 100 people to give up drugs!”
“One hundred! How?” asks the judge.
“Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison…’”
wally2450
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wally2450
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"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing
the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." "Will this
help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he
answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will
there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the
gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra
and panties."
the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." "Will this
help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he
answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will
there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the
gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra
and panties."
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done_got_old
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wally2450
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There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it."
Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla!
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You're it!"
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it."
Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla!
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You're it!"
wally2450
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wally2450
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An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in
hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing
here?"
The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to
pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a
faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"
"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.
hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing
here?"
The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to
pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a
faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"
"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.
wally2450
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A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the
wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she
says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact
same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The bride's mother thinks
for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go
and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says
the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's
such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?" her mother
asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she
says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact
same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The bride's mother thinks
for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go
and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says
the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's
such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?" her mother
asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
wally2450
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wally2450
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A midget gets married to a regular sized girl and they
go on their honeymoon.
When the midget gets back home, a friend asks him how
was his honeymoon?
He said, "It was OK but I was a little disappointed."
His friend asks him why he was disappointed.
He replies, "Well, when we were nose to nose, my toes
were in it. When we were toes to toes, my nose was in
it. And when I was in it, there was no one to talk to."
go on their honeymoon.
When the midget gets back home, a friend asks him how
was his honeymoon?
He said, "It was OK but I was a little disappointed."
His friend asks him why he was disappointed.
He replies, "Well, when we were nose to nose, my toes
were in it. When we were toes to toes, my nose was in
it. And when I was in it, there was no one to talk to."
MercyMia
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A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child ..."
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"
The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"
The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."
The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis and a brain?"
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"
The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"
The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."
The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis and a brain?"
MercyMia
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A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "No!"
"Then you're not old enough.", said the grandfather.
A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again the grandson replied, "No!"
"Well you're not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather.
About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home. On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn't win anything, The grandson scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?" The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa looked at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!"
"Good, then go fuck yourself!", said the grandson.
"Then you're not old enough.", said the grandfather.
A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again the grandson replied, "No!"
"Well you're not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather.
About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home. On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn't win anything, The grandson scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?" The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa looked at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!"
"Good, then go fuck yourself!", said the grandson.
wally2450
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The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to
Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they
will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee.
They will then proceed down to Mississippi and
Louisiana, finally ending up back over in Alabama.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey
license plates and large bumper stickers that read:
"I'm A Vegetarian"
"NASCAR Sucks"
"Go Yankees!"
"Smoking Is For Idiots"
"Hillary In 2004"
"Deer Hunting Is Murder"
"I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns!"
The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive,
wins.
Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they
will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee.
They will then proceed down to Mississippi and
Louisiana, finally ending up back over in Alabama.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey
license plates and large bumper stickers that read:
"I'm A Vegetarian"
"NASCAR Sucks"
"Go Yankees!"
"Smoking Is For Idiots"
"Hillary In 2004"
"Deer Hunting Is Murder"
"I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns!"
The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive,
wins.
wally2450
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Little Johnny
A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the black-
board, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell
her how the tail is attached to the cat.
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur,
Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good
try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is
sitting down the back raising his hand in the air
saying, "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he
answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"
The teacher replies... "Not quite right either,
Peter...Anyone else want to try?" Finally, the teacher
had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to
Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on
the cat... I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"
A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the black-
board, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell
her how the tail is attached to the cat.
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur,
Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good
try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is
sitting down the back raising his hand in the air
saying, "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he
answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"
The teacher replies... "Not quite right either,
Peter...Anyone else want to try?" Finally, the teacher
had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to
Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on
the cat... I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"
wally2450
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MercyMia
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One evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the
stove, and the table set.
She was astonished -- something's up!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said women who worked
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all
about it.
"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do
their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away.
I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired..."
stove, and the table set.
She was astonished -- something's up!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said women who worked
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all
about it.
"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do
their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away.
I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired..."
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