wally2450
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How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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Your Recent Order ....
Dear Madam
Thank You For Your Recent Order From Our Sex Toys Shop.
You Asked For The Large Red Vibrator As Featured On Our
Wall Display.
Please Select Another Item..
That's Our Fire Extinguisher!
Dear Madam
Thank You For Your Recent Order From Our Sex Toys Shop.
You Asked For The Large Red Vibrator As Featured On Our
Wall Display.
Please Select Another Item..
That's Our Fire Extinguisher!
smoothdevil
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MercyMia said:
ouchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
wally2450
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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington, D.C.
One is from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works
some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900:
$400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official
and whispers, "$2,700".
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!", replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how it all works !!!
One is from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works
some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900:
$400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official
and whispers, "$2,700".
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!", replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how it all works !!!
wally2450
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wally2450
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The Top 12 Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn
· During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
· His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.
· When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
· C:\Downloads\Porn\2002\July\03\10PM-11PM\
· Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
· He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
· Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
· When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."
· You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
· As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
· During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
· His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you. He pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.
· During sex, she shouts, "More bandwidth!"
· During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
· His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.
· When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
· C:\Downloads\Porn\2002\July\03\10PM-11PM\
· Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
· He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
· Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
· When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."
· You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
· As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
· During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
· His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you. He pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.
· During sex, she shouts, "More bandwidth!"
MercyMia
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Another Classic.
A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and takes a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a forest policeman in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the policeman.
"That's true," replied the woman, "But you have all the equipment."
A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and takes a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a forest policeman in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the policeman.
"That's true," replied the woman, "But you have all the equipment."
NippleMuncher
Masticatus Nipplicanis
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A rabbi gets in front of his congregation and says that he is leaving to go to a larger congregation that can pay him more.
There is a hush—no one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a minivan to transport their children!" The congregation applauds.
Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay, I'll personally double his salary, and also will establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" The congregation cheers again.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead in the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'"
There is a hush—no one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a minivan to transport their children!" The congregation applauds.
Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay, I'll personally double his salary, and also will establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" The congregation cheers again.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead in the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'"
wally2450
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A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach.
He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting
to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears
from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries:
"Lord, my GOD, how could you?
Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home?
Haven't I given to charity?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A moment later, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes
on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there.
He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting
to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears
from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries:
"Lord, my GOD, how could you?
Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home?
Haven't I given to charity?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A moment later, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes
on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there.
He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
wally2450
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We were not particularly surprised to learn recently that Democrats
generally have more children than Republicans. After all, who ever
heard of anyone enjoying a good piece of elephant?
-----------
A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an
equally good job of stopping circulation.
-----------
The prof was telling his early morning class, "I've found that the
best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a
deep breath of air, and then finish with a cold shower. Then I feel
rosy all over." A sleepy voice from the back of the room said, "Tell
us more about Rosy."
generally have more children than Republicans. After all, who ever
heard of anyone enjoying a good piece of elephant?
-----------
A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an
equally good job of stopping circulation.
-----------
The prof was telling his early morning class, "I've found that the
best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a
deep breath of air, and then finish with a cold shower. Then I feel
rosy all over." A sleepy voice from the back of the room said, "Tell
us more about Rosy."
MercyMia
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George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
MercyMia
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"Doc, you've gotta help me. My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe ..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one."
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold ..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um ... okay."
Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I ... need ... a man ..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me ... too ..."
"Look, I can't prescribe ..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one."
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold ..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um ... okay."
Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I ... need ... a man ..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me ... too ..."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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wally2450 said:
wally2450
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Fortuneteller
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened
to see a fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good
for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal
ball.
"I see you are the father of two children."
"Hah, you fortune tellers are a sham," said the man
scornfully. "I'm the father of *three* children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what *you* think..."
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Houses of Worship
A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of
worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.On the
first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor
lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to
the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running
into his church.
He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water
out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares,. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's
tool shed.
He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the
tailpipe.
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened
to see a fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good
for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal
ball.
"I see you are the father of two children."
"Hah, you fortune tellers are a sham," said the man
scornfully. "I'm the father of *three* children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what *you* think..."
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Houses of Worship
A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of
worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.On the
first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor
lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to
the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running
into his church.
He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water
out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares,. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's
tool shed.
He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the
tailpipe.
M's girl
Leaving
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- 7,156
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
wally2450
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for
a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"
years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for
a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"
wally2450
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An American and a Russian were arguing about their
freedom to talk in their countries.
American: We have such freedom that We can shout that
George Bush is an idiot in front of our White House.
Russian: This is nothing. We have some more advanced
freedom than this. We can shout in front of our President
himself that George Bush is an idiot and get a reward
also. Do you have such freedom?
freedom to talk in their countries.
American: We have such freedom that We can shout that
George Bush is an idiot in front of our White House.
Russian: This is nothing. We have some more advanced
freedom than this. We can shout in front of our President
himself that George Bush is an idiot and get a reward
also. Do you have such freedom?
wally2450
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MercyMia
Literotica Guru
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One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo, where he attempted to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.
The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.
The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.
Help, Help me!" he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he whispered, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?
The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.
The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.
Help, Help me!" he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he whispered, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?
MercyMia
Literotica Guru
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An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
MercyMia
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Next | More
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Next | More
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