wally2450
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How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
wally2450
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wally2450
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Three Holy Men and a Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served
as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan
University in Marquette. They would get together two or
three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another,
and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go
out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt
to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their
experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on
crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,
went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to
find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to
him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to
do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as
gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL,
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and
I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear
from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do
with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.
We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and
BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he
became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the
day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the
rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a
body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running
in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The
Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served
as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan
University in Marquette. They would get together two or
three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another,
and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go
out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt
to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their
experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on
crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,
went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to
find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to
him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to
do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as
gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL,
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and
I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear
from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do
with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.
We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and
BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he
became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the
day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the
rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a
body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running
in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The
Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
wally2450
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Why do American 18-year-olds take sex education courses?
So they can learn what they've been doing wrong for the past five
years.
"So I told my ex, 'You just don't arouse me!'" "Well, that's pretty
forthright! What did he say?" "He said, 'Well, maybe you have a dry
well!'" "Oh!" "It was all right. I told him, 'Maybe you need a new
drill!'"
So they can learn what they've been doing wrong for the past five
years.
"So I told my ex, 'You just don't arouse me!'" "Well, that's pretty
forthright! What did he say?" "He said, 'Well, maybe you have a dry
well!'" "Oh!" "It was all right. I told him, 'Maybe you need a new
drill!'"
wally2450
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wally2450
Inquisitive
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It's like magic. When you live by yourself,
all your annoying habits are gone.
==========================
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a
package from her Mom and her sisters. Out
came a beauty case containing many samples
of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a
tackle box, it was a beauty kit. My daughter
proceeded to open it
up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow,
rouge, and other cosmetics.
At this point I leaned over to my wife and
whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box.
Just look at all those lures."
====================================
I WAS interviewing a jeweler for a story
I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry,
and I asked him to tell me about his most
memorable client. "It was a divorced woman
who had me make a pair of earrings from her
inscribed wedding band," he recalled.
"One earring read, 'with all' and the other,
'my love.' "When I asked why she had wanted
it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me
the next time anyone said that to me, to let it
go in one ear and out the other.'
all your annoying habits are gone.
==========================
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a
package from her Mom and her sisters. Out
came a beauty case containing many samples
of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a
tackle box, it was a beauty kit. My daughter
proceeded to open it
up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow,
rouge, and other cosmetics.
At this point I leaned over to my wife and
whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box.
Just look at all those lures."
====================================
I WAS interviewing a jeweler for a story
I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry,
and I asked him to tell me about his most
memorable client. "It was a divorced woman
who had me make a pair of earrings from her
inscribed wedding band," he recalled.
"One earring read, 'with all' and the other,
'my love.' "When I asked why she had wanted
it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me
the next time anyone said that to me, to let it
go in one ear and out the other.'
wally2450
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You Must Be A Teacher If...
~ You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to
have all your holidays and summers free."
~ You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
~ You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says,
"Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
~ When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children
and correct their behavior.
~ Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SO
much simpler.
~ You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
~ You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into
home schooling.
~ You've never had your profession slammed by someone
who would never dream of doing your job.
~ You can't have children of your own, because there is no
name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood
pressure the moment you heard it.
~ Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question,
"Why is this kid like this?"
~ You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to
have all your holidays and summers free."
~ You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
~ You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says,
"Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
~ When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children
and correct their behavior.
~ Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SO
much simpler.
~ You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
~ You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into
home schooling.
~ You've never had your profession slammed by someone
who would never dream of doing your job.
~ You can't have children of your own, because there is no
name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood
pressure the moment you heard it.
~ Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question,
"Why is this kid like this?"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
SUMBITCH
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited
Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around
the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters
and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating
gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there
was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the
pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his Thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.The water was churning and splashing every where. Both Leroy and the> gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a Dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited
Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around
the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters
and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating
gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there
was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the
pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his Thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.The water was churning and splashing every where. Both Leroy and the> gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a Dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Subject: FW: This would work
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first
place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking
strippers! What the hell They don't even serve food anymore, so what's
the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a
"party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman
in this countrywould start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a
salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good
that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick
back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing
naked women
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline
industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win
situation if we handle it right a golden opportunity to turn a liability
into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do
everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first
place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking
strippers! What the hell They don't even serve food anymore, so what's
the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a
"party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman
in this countrywould start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a
salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good
that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick
back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing
naked women
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline
industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win
situation if we handle it right a golden opportunity to turn a liability
into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do
everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Subject: WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work
leaving. My husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't
gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked
out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my
husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was
parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and
high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve
years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed
in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I
asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been
wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave
him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but
ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Lusk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused
by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is
no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips
holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I
hope this helps.
Walter
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work
leaving. My husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't
gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked
out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my
husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was
parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and
high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve
years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed
in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I
asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been
wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave
him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but
ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Lusk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused
by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is
no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips
holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I
hope this helps.
Walter
wally2450
Inquisitive
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done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".
The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".
The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas )
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes
look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts ?"
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas )
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes
look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts ?"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Subject: Fw: Hit man
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
wally2450
Inquisitive
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wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Posts
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Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to
the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation
held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does any-
one know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called
on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper
is ready!
the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation
held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does any-
one know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called
on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper
is ready!
Sean and Lulu (auld but gold) 
Maybe it's a Scots thing - but put a smile on my face
Sean Connery being interview by Michael Parkinson at the age of 77 still bragged the he could have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest looked intrigued....
After the show Lulu said "Sean, if am no bein too forward, Ah'd luv tae have sex wie an aulder man. lets gie back tae ma place"
So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says "if you think that was good let me shleep for half an hour, and we can hae even better shex. But while am shleeping hold ma baws in yur left haund and ma wullie in your right haund"
Lulu look a bit perplexed but says "Okay"
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens and they have even better sex. The Sean says "Lulu, that was wonderful but if you let me shleep for an hour, we can hae the besht shex yet. But again hold ma baws in yur left haund and ma wullie in your right haund"
Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing...
Once it's all over and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis ma haudin yer baws in ma left haund and yer willie in ma right haund stimulate ya while yer sleepin'?"
Sean replies "No, but the lasht time I shlept wi a Glashwegian, she shtole ma wallet!"
Maybe it's a Scots thing - but put a smile on my face
Sean Connery being interview by Michael Parkinson at the age of 77 still bragged the he could have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest looked intrigued....
After the show Lulu said "Sean, if am no bein too forward, Ah'd luv tae have sex wie an aulder man. lets gie back tae ma place"
So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says "if you think that was good let me shleep for half an hour, and we can hae even better shex. But while am shleeping hold ma baws in yur left haund and ma wullie in your right haund"
Lulu look a bit perplexed but says "Okay"
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens and they have even better sex. The Sean says "Lulu, that was wonderful but if you let me shleep for an hour, we can hae the besht shex yet. But again hold ma baws in yur left haund and ma wullie in your right haund"
Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing...
Once it's all over and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis ma haudin yer baws in ma left haund and yer willie in ma right haund stimulate ya while yer sleepin'?"
Sean replies "No, but the lasht time I shlept wi a Glashwegian, she shtole ma wallet!"
Last edited:
wally2450
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- Dec 12, 2005
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- 12,353
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
How to give a cat a pill:
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to
hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving
to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little darling's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of
water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to
hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving
to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little darling's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of
water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Redneck & Gorilla
A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for
$500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:
1. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed.
3. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised
Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
4. And last of all Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00
A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for
$500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:
1. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed.
3. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised
Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
4. And last of all Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00
sutherngent985
Rebel Pride
- Joined
- Mar 10, 2007
- Posts
- 1,640
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
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