How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

A young blonde secretary was describing her evening exploits to a
friend. "After dinner,"she said, he wanted to come back to my
apartment, but I refused,. I told him that my mother would worry if I
did anything like that." "That was smart," her friend said,
approvingly. "Then what happened?" He kept insisting, and I kept, and
I kept refusing," the secretary said. "You didn't weaken your resolve
did you?" asked the friend. "Not one bit. In the end, we went to his
apartment. I figured, let his mother worry

 

[bailadora]

No joke to add. Just wanted to say thanks to all who have posted on this thread. I really needed a good laugh today. This fit the bill nicely. Well done...

 

[smoothdevil]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a
pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,'Notice
anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over, 'Nope'.

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked
Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat,
Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

 

[smoothdevil]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f--k away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking."

 

[smoothdevil]

Screwed To Death!


A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming,... and the smell of burning rubber!"

 

[smoothdevil]

How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to Make a woman happy.


A man only needs to be:


1. a friend


2. a companion


3. a lover


4. a brother


5. a father


6. a master


7. a chef


8.. an electrician


9.. a carpenter


10. a plumber


11. a mechanic


12. a decorator


13. a stylist


14. a sexologist


15. a gynecologist


16. a psychologist


17. a pest exterminator


18. a psychiatrist


19. a healer


20. a good listener


21. an organizer


22. a good father


23. very clean


24. sympathetic


25. athletic


26. warm


27. attentive


28. gallant


29. intelligent


30. funny


31. creative


32. tender


33. strong


34. understanding


35. tolerant


36. prudent


37. ambitious


38. capable


39. courageous


40. determined


41. true


42. dependable


43. passionate


44. compassionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:


45. give her compliments regularly


46. love shopping


47. be honest


48. be very rich


49. not stress her out


50. not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself


52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself


53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:


54. Never to forget:


* birthdays


* anniversaries


* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food

 

[MagicFingers]

Memorex

Remember those old commercials with that old black singer who broke all the crystal glasses? The announcer would ask, "Is it real or is it Memorex?"

Well I used to enjoy seeing girls or women with nice breasts. We all do.
However, with the advent of so much chest surgery, every time I see one now with bigger than normal breasts, I have to ask,
"Is it real, or is it Mamorex?"

 

[MagicFingers]

Another blonde joke

Suzi, a voluptious blonde, was working in her yard one day and accidentally chopped off her cat's tail with her weed-whacker. She went to the phone and called Wal-Mart.
Her friend asked her, "Why are you calling Wal-Mart instead of the vet?"
Suzi replied, "Well, everyone knows Wal-Mart is the biggest re-tailer in the world!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Suzi, a voluptious blonde, was working in her yard one day and accidentally chopped off her cat's tail with her weed-whacker. She went to the phone and called Wal-Mart.
Her friend asked her, "Why are you calling Wal-Mart instead of the vet?"
Suzi replied, "Well, everyone knows Wal-Mart is the biggest re-tailer in the world!"

LMAO ,,,,, super

 

[wally2450]

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening
planned for him and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies
but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along. Finally he makes
a
deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of
their
house, the father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go
by
in a red hat. A while later the little boy comes running into the
house
and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts "Dad, if you think your
getting
fucked in there, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner
convention
going past.

~~~~~

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of
expensive
imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you
wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping
on
a dead beaver."

 

[Denae]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. Afer sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Sir, before you tell that joke I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[wally2450]

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting
down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story
ever, first date or not!
We have all had bad dates....but this takes the cake. This just
tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on
the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find
the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner
described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no
question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy
had taken her skiing in the mountains outside of Salt Lake City,
Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after
all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but
relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that
afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she
gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra
latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in
the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it,
which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow
and slow going, there came a point when she told him that he had
better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be on the
front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good
footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady
herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she
could think about was the relief she felt, despite the rather
embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she
soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her
buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of
tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a
reply that, indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of
some assistance!" He came around the car as she tried to cover
herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his
eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they
finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced
with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free
her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her
free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded
to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought
your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a
whole new meaning to being pissed off."

 

[smoothdevil]

Jim the thoughtful husband

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Jim

**EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

[wally2450]

I bought a new Dodge Ram Quad cab 1500 yesterday and returned to the
dealer
today because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, "Ricky
or
Willie?" "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from
the speakers.Then
he said, " Ray Charles!", and in an instant " Georgia On My Mind"
replaced Willie
Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "
Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck ,
but I
swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!" Immediately the
French
National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara
Streisand,
backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on
guitar,
Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on
tambourine,
Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this TRUCK!!

 

[MagicFingers]

Bjotd

You know how many people, especially in the south, have an upside horseshoe over their door for good luck?

Well, I've got a slut woman's shoe hanging above my door.
I call it my Whore Shoe.

Hope it wards away the evil sex spirits.

 

[smoothdevil]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twe nty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

 

[MagicFingers]

Sexual Harassment in the Workplace

This is an excellent training video from GE.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2143915578134513037
So sad, so true.

 

[wally2450]

This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has
left him a note "Off to the grocery store". He hasn't
been *getting any* from her, so he decides this is his
chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick.

He puts the video in, and starts masturbating. He's about
to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops
her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of
his life.

Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just
happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes
to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes.

He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and
all of a sudden you come in...... what happened?!".

To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this
morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have
to clean the floor again."

 

[wally2450]

A peppery woman at the airline ticket counter was complaining long and loudly about the delay in her plane's departure. "Young man," she snapped at the agent, "the way you people run this airline a witch on a janitor's broom could get there faster!"

The agent, with just a hint of a smile, says, "The runways are clear, madam. Please feel free."

 

[wally2450]

According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and think he's
really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if
he's married?

Rose Marie: No, you should wait until morning.

Mary: And then he told me his name was John Smith.

Jill: Oh, that sounds fake! Weren't you suspicious?

Mary: Oh, yes! I was even more so when he asked me, "How much for the
whole night?"



"In Florida, a woman who's a special-needs teacher by day, has been
arrested for working as a prostitute at night. When asked about it,
the woman said her clients at night also have "special needs." -
Conan O'Brien

 

[done_got_old]

Eyeglass Commercial

 

[wally2450]

This morning someone called saying they were conducting a survey about Television, and I agreed to answer their questions.
At some point she asked, "Could you tell me what you think of sex on the television?"

Quite truthfully, I replied, " I prefer the older models. I think it has become extremely uncomfortable, especially when you got one of the newer models, that are much wider than deep."

She muttered "Pervert" and hung up.

What did I say?

 

[wally2450]

Have you heard of the new book entitled "1001 Sex Secrets Men Should
Know?" It contains comments from 1001 different women on how men can
be better in bed.

I think that women would actually settle for three: Slow down, Turn
off the TV, and Call out the right name.


Mrs. Finkel was in her garden, hanging up her washing on the line
when her gossipy neighbor poked her head over the fence.

"I hate to tell you this, Rachel," said the gossip, "but there's a
rumor that your husband, Abe, is chasing the shiksas. And at his age
too!" she clucked like a chicken. "He's seventy-five, no?"

"Nu, so he's seventy-five," replied Mrs Finkel. "So let him chase
girls. dogs chase cars - but when they catch one, can they drive it?"

 

[wally2450]

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused
in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.
And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the
morning?'

It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our
optic nerve.

 

[wally2450]

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and
kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding,
'you're making a scene.'"

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is
important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!
Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it.
Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all
the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.
Well, good night."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether
you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go
in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American
way."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty.
'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's
problems!"

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that
will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number
two,'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when
I got here.'"