How to make people laugh

[Cathleen]

This'll cure whatever ails you! (An oldie but a goodie.)


Johnny Carson

 

[alaskabibear]

A little old man shuffled slowly into the ice cream parlor and ever so carefully he painfully pulled himself up onto a stool. After a moment to catch his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress kindly asked, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "just Arthritis."

 

[wally2450]

Most companies are like a tree full of monkeys,...
all on different limbs,... at different levels,...some
climbing up.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full
of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing
but assholes.

 

[wally2450]

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night
by strange noises from his parents' room, and he
decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom,
he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging
for all they were worth.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"

"It is ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a
baby that is all."

The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby
brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a
smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past
the bathroom and was shocked to discover his
mother giving oral gratification to his father.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"

"Son, there has been a change of plan," his father
replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she
wants a BMW."

 

[wally2450]

Viagra is now in liquid form. FDA officials today announced the
release of the wonder drug Viagra in a new easy-to-take liquid form.
It is sold under the name of "Mydixadud."

Now, when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour
themselves a stiff one.

~~~~~~~

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging
my secretary.

He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?"

I told him, "Nope! I do this for free."

 

[wally2450]

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an
orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you
are in your casket and friends and family are mourning
you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that
I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family
man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and school teacher which made a
huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ...
Look, He's Moving!"

 

[wally2450]

Lisa, a strikingly beautiful young Brunette, sat across
the table from Buffalo, in a fancy restaurant. She
smiled as Buffalo finished proposing to her. "I'm not
sure, let me think about it." she answered.

Buffalo was crushed but kept his composure. After
dinner they went to her place. The mood was romantic
and Buffalo was eager to make love to Lisa. She
stopped him and said "Before we get married or even
make love, I want you to buy me something"

"Sure my love, you name it. A car, a pearl necklace,
diamond earrings, you name it."

"I want a solid gold Boy Scout knife."

Stunned Buffalo asked, "But why? I can buy you
anything you want. Why must it be a solid gold Boy
Scout knife?"

"I can't tell you, but I won't make love to you until I get one."
Buffalo searched high and low but couldn't find the knife. Desperate,
he had a jeweler make one for him.

The next time they met at her place for a romantic evening,
he again suggested they make love. Again she said she
couldn't without first receiving the solid gold Boy Scout knife. With
a smile he handed her a small gift wrapped box. She carefully opened
it and saw the knife.

They went off to the bedroom where she opened a large
hope chest at the foot of her bed. She placed the knife
inside, but not before Buffalo saw the contents of the hope chest. It
was filled with solid gold Boy Scout knifes.

"What's this? The whole thing is filled with gold knifes?"

"I can't tell you" she replied.

After several minutes of badgering she finally relented and
said, "Someday I will be older. My hair will turn gray, my face will
start to get wrinkles and my beauty will fade. Who will want me then?
But, can you imagine what a Boy Scout would do for one of these
knifes?"

 

[wally2450]

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids
knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their
hands up if they knew the correct sound."Who knows what sound a cow
makes?" she asked. Cindie put her hand up and said "Moooo!" "Very
good" replied the teacher,"what sound do sheep make?" "
Baaaa"answered Jimmy.She continued this for a while. Then she
asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went
up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the
back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up
against the wall mutha-fucka!!"

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice, "Stop! Stand
still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head
and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of
him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was
going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand
still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will
die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening
around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man
asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice
answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked, "And where were you when I got
married?"

 

[wally2450]

When a physician remarked on a new patient's
extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood
pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's
family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

 

[kayte]

When a physician remarked on a new patient's
extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood
pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's
family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

{{{{{{{{{{Wally}}}}}}}}}}}} That is great!

 

[wally2450]

Subject: Dear Kotex

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my panty-liner had a
bunch of
"Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:

* Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
* Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
* Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling
fresh.
* Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never
possessed a
functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman
that
drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like
we need
more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell... but go ahead... I
triple-dog-friggin-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll
wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and re move the
chocolate
from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first
responders will
be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the
only
activities that interest me are eating..sleeping..bitching.. or
crying for
no apparent reason... and oh... does ripping someone's head off count
as a
friggin' activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine
hygiene
products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that
from
elderly relatives. Veteran females have concocted their own recipes
for
survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.

Printing out crappy advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that
was
already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is
enough
to send a consumers running to the Always brand.

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley
faces or
bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or packaging. Put the
crap
in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly
and have
it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package
announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya
just
add an in-store microphone to the damn package to announce that...
Helloooo,
another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & smiley faces and
shove
them right up your ass.

P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of
Bourbon to
your packages instead!!!

 

[smoothdevil]

The old cow



Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a Country road one
evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the Car. The driver tried
to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was Struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse And explain to the
owners what had happened. She stayed in the car Making phone calls to
lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver Staggered back to the car with
his clothes in disarray. He was Holding a half-empty bottle of expensive
wine in one hand, a rare, Huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling
happily, smeared with Lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
“Well," the driver Replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave
me the wine, And their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to
me!"
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I Just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary
Clinton's driver And
I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I Couldn't stop it. "

 

[wally2450]

A not necessarily well-prepared student
sat in his life science classroom, staring
at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to
scribble whatever came into his head,
hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam
demanded a fourth answer. Again, what
to write? Once more, he sighed. He
frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his
pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his
definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers
of varying sizes.

 

[wally2450]

What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
***************************************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one, and my mom fainted,
dad had a heart attack, & our neighbor ran away.
***************************************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours??"
The man replies sarcastically,
"No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."
***************************************
A young boy asks his Dad,
"What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son. I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there is also my son. That's confidential!"

 

[wally2450]

Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will
improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything

 

[smoothdevil]

Poor Jim

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a praise.' Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating
and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, 'Jim was
unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We
prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it
to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they
imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out
of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover
completely.' All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to
tell my wife, the word is sternum.'

 

[smoothdevil]

EXPRESSIONS


Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE







Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC







If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC







Remember, it's not,
"How high are you?"
it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia







Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO







No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC







At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ







It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ







Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT









If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .







If pro is opposite of con,then what is the



opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC







Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ







You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA .







No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA









and my favorite, and most realistic one ~~~



A Woman's Rule of Thumb:

If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX

 

[smoothdevil]

Social Security


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants ... you might have gotten
Disability, too."

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: I love this one!

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt, and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."

 

[smoothdevil]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun...a great gift for the wife. A guy who
purchased this for their anniversary, submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety....right?

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance
that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries?

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty
cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll
do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it
master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
and .. . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both
on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling
in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like a **% !!! A minute or so later (I
can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens
me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

 

[wally2450]

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree
hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece
of timberland. There was a large tree on one of
the highest points in the tract. She wanted a
good view of the natural splendor of her land so
she started to climb the big tree. As she neared
the top she encountered a spotted owl that
attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the
tree to the ground and got many splinters in her
crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the
nearest doctor. She told him she was an
environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she
came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened
to her story with great patience and then told her
to go into the examining room and he would see
if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor
reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What
took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get
permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,
the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth
timber from your recreational area...... I'm sorry,
but they turned me down."

 

[done_got_old]

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.

To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.'' In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.

The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''

 

[wally2450]

Bill was less than grateful when his urologist recomm-
ended he give up sex completely, if he was to beat a rare-
but-lethal chronic fatigue disease. "Give up sex
completely, doc?" he shouted. "I'm a young buck. How
can you expect me to just go cold turkey?"

"So get married and taper off gradually," the doctor
prescribed.

 

[wally2450]

A newly discovered chapter in the book of Genesis has
provided the answer to the question, "Where did pets
come from?" According to the newly discovered
scriptures, Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were
in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we
don't see you any more and we're lonesome here and it's
difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said; "No problem! I will create a companion
that will be with you forever and will be a reflection
of my love. Regardless of how selfish or childish or
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept
you and love you as I do."

And God created this animal and it was good...and He
was pleased.

Adam said, "Lord, what do we call this animal?"

God replied, "Since it is a reflection of me, let's
reverse my name and call it Dog."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion
to them, and loved them always, and wagged it's tail.

After a while an angel came to God and said, "Lord,
Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut
and preen like peacocks, and they believe they are
worthy of adoration. Dog has taught them too well that
they are loved."

And God said, "No problem! I'll create another
companion who will see them as they really are, one that
will remind them of their limitations, so they'll know
they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created Cat.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Eve gazed
into Cat's eyes, she was reminded that they were not
supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned
humility...and they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't really give a shit one way or the other!

 

[wally2450]

A teenage girl arriving home from school asks her mother, "Is it true
what the teacher told us today?"

"What's that?" the mother replied.

"That babies come from the same place that boys put their penises,"
the daughter said.

"Yes it is dear," mother said, glad that the subject had finally
come up at school.

"But when I have a baby," the girl responded, "Won't it knock my
teeth out?"