How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance. "Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "What would you get?"

The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."

 

[wally2450]

Sex is like a petrol station.

Sometimes you get full service.

Sometimes you have to ask for service.

And sometimes you have to be happy with self-service

 

[wally2450]

How Sex Is Like A Roller Coaster

You get on with your partner.

There is anxious anticipation as you start.

You start slowly, climbing your way to the top.

There are smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding.

The excitement builds and builds.

It nears the top.

The expressions on faces become wondrous and excited.

Then as it hits the pinnacle, things move very fast.

There's a quick motion, the heart races with complete excitement; faces are all in total pleasure.

Arms are flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming going on.

The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark.

Sometimes there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all too familiar but always, always at the end, there's a big smile on the face.

Hair is all messed up, and everyone is talking about how great it is, while some of them say, "I wanna go again!

 

[NippleMuncher]

Sex is like a petrol station.

Sometimes you get full service.

Sometimes you have to ask for service.

And sometimes you have to be happy with self-service

Sex is a misdemeanor!

The more I miss, da meaner I get!

 

[wally2450]

A woman was at a friends wedding and the friend's father asked her to
dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but she figured what the hell.
So they were dancing and she asked, "So, are you enjoying yourself
Richard?"

He said, "I prefer Dick."

She said "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with anything?"

~~~~~

Two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their
picture taken. Not being very educated, they question each other on
what the photographer is doing. When he goes under the black cloth,
one sister turns to the other and asks.....

"Vots he goink to do?" Her sister answers," He's goink to focus!"

The second cries," Bot of us !?!"

 

[wally2450]

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The
doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely
nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him,
"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you
just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to
sleep alone."

 

[wally2450]

So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he
patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he
gives the Irishman his attention. "And you are?" St. Peter asks.

"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.

"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused,
poring over his compendious list of people and events.
"Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan, you're a member of
the Irish Republican Army."

"Yeh, that'd be me," replies Kevin.

"You blew up that pub in London!"

"Yeh."

"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions
transport in Northumberland."

"Yeh, that's all me work," comes the nonplussed reply.

St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds
words, he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in
heaven !"

"Let me in? No way Pete!" says Kevin. "I come to tell you you've all
got twelve minutes to get out!"

 

[MercyMia]

A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.

Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.

 

[MercyMia]

An old man took his dog to the vet after getting several complaints from the mailman. After examining the dog, the vet said, "Sir, I don't see anything wrong with your dog other than the fact that he is old, and through my years of practice, I have found that if you castrate an old dog, they will get fat and lazy and mellow out quite a bit."

After giving this much thought, the old man said, "OK doc, go ahead, because if I don't do something, my ass is going to end up in jail." Three days later, the old man went to the vet's office, picked the dog up and took him home.

That evening, the old man was sitting on his porch reading his paper, and the bulldog was laying by his side. Along came the mailman, who turned into the old man's front gate to give the old man his mail. Off of the porch jumped the dog, knocked the mailman down, and proceeded to tear his ass up.

The old man came off of the porch, picked the dog up, placed him under his arm and said, "Damn Mr. Mailman, I'm sorry as hell, but I just don't know what to do with this damn dog." "As a matter of fact, I just took him to the vet three days ago and had him castrated."

The mailman got up, brushed himself off and said, "Well you dumb son-of-a-bitch, you should have had his teeth pulled! Hell, I could tell that he didn't want to screw me when he came off of the porch!"

 

[smoothdevil]

The C.O.'s Morning Briefing:


The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesit iation, the young PFC responded, 'Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.'

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

'Well, Sir, began the PFC, 'if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.'

The room fell silent................
God Bless the Marine Corps.

 

[smoothdevil]

Another avid golfer

Mike, an avid golfer, was teeing up for a very difficult hole. Just at that moment, a funeral procession goes by. Mike stopped, stood still with his hat over his heart and lowered his head..

His golfing partner looked at him and said "Mike, that was kind and decent of you to show such respect for the dead"

Mike replied "yes, we would have been married twenty-five years come tomorrow"...

 

[smoothdevil]

Daily humor

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)


The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. !
(Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any
manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses
150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of?) (Did the government pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

 

[smoothdevil]

Liquid Viagra!

Pfizer recently announced that V1agra would be available in liquid form.

It will be sold under the name: "Mydixadud"

Therefore, it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

 

[smoothdevil]

One Up



Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep,
you idiot ."




The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

 

[alaskabibear]

Smooth, you've outdone yourself this morning - those were all really funny!

 

[smoothdevil]

Smooth, you've outdone yourself this morning - those were all really funny!

thanks ... glad you enjoyed ...

 

[wally2450]

After Sundays game, Norman figured he`d better
spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs
upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.

"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want
me to run."

"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies.

"What`s the Four Play?" says Todd.

"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the
two minute warning."

 

[wally2450]

One day, two girls from Georgia were sitting on their front porch
swing. One of them had just gotten back from the big city of New York
and was telling her friend all about it.

She starts , "You know," with a heavy southern drawl, "they have
women up there who have sex with other women."

Her friend gasps, and replies, "Oh, do tell! What do they
call them?"

"They call them lesbians," the first girl tells her.

"And they have men who have sex with other men."

Her friend gasps once again, and says, "Oh, do tell! What do they
call them?"

The first girl says, "They call them homosexuals."

The first girl looks around to make sure no one is looking
and whispers to her friend, "And you know... They have
these men... Who'll put their face in a woman's private parts... And
kinda lick around and do stuff with their tongue...."

The friend gasps once again and whispers back, "Oh, do tell... What
do they call them??"

After looking around once again to make sure no one is listening, she
whispers back, "I don't know... I just patted mine on the
head ....and called him 'Precious'."

 

[wally2450]

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot
in common." said the new tenant's neighbour. "Why on
earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'"
was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-



Coma

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a
coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his
bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to
come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full
of tears, " You know what? You have been with
me through all the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my
side...

You know what?" "What dear?", she gently asked,
smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

 

[smoothdevil]

RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling - -
REFUND, You would have had $214.00.

So, based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

 

[wally2450]

A campus biggie went out for the first time with a vivacious little
baton-twirling champion of the college marching band, and he ended up
in hospital. "What happened, Bob?" inquired his visiting roommate.

Let's call it a case of overreation," groaned the patient. "After the
dance and a hamburger, we drove over and parked in Memorial Grove.
Matters proceeded nicely, and she began to give me a tantalising slow
hand job - but then some jerk in the car alongside began to whistle
the school fight song!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Actual news headliners:



Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

 

[smoothdevil]

Rules of Texas :

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at! the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop..

8. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce!! Oh, yeah, we don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat. IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in San Antonio and real chili never met a bean!

12. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Texas Tech, Texas A&M or University of Texas They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so 'Don't Mess with Texas .' If you do, you will get whupped by the best.


17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said: ' Texas can make it without the United States , but the United States can't make it without Texas !'

 

[wally2450]

A little boy about five years old runs into the kitchen,
with his hands cupped in front of him.

"Mummy, mummy, is there such a thing as a
Mummy-long-leg spiders?"

"No Johnny," mum replies, "They're all daddy-long-
leg spiders."

Upon hearing this, Johnny slams his palms together
and mutters "Bloody queer insects!"

 

[wally2450]

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as
part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking
some questions.

"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband
sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby
and tend to several other children milling around her, "Oh yes", he
sighed, "Every time."