How to make people laugh

[odderotica]

A profesional looking lady sits down in a plane. Scarcly a minute later, she raises her hankerchief, and sneezes loudly. Then she moans deeply and falls back intto her seat, smileing.

A bit later she gives a repeat preformance, this time sneazeing several times, moaning each one and shakeing visibley. when she slumps back her mouth is gapeing as she gasps for air, shudders still running down her body.

After a third time she has a fit of sneezes and screams, her body tenseing and relaxing, sweat forming on her skin even in the cool airplane air. She sits with a satified smile once it settles down as the flight attentent begins to question her.

In no fit state to answer the seasoned pro pulls out a docter's card. It says the poor lady has a rare disorder, her nose and pussy are to closely tied in the brain, and she succumbs to orgasm each time she sneezes.

"Oh dear" the attendt asks "what are you takeing for it?"

She answers breathlessly "Pepper."

 

[NaughtyLil1]

GUESSING GAMES FOR DINNER

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

this will make you think twice

 

[Delicacy]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"

 

[Delicacy]

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

 

[Delicacy]

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

 

[Delicacy]

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

 

[Delicacy]

A man enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 

[assister49]

Subject: More for lovers of English

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither
apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented
in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going
on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible , but
when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick?

 

[ecstacey]

One day a cucumber, a pickle and a penis were having a conversation:
The pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get fat and juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over and they stick me in a jar."

The cucumber says, "Yeah you think that's bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, they slice me up and they put me over salad."

The penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Well, whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a dark room and slam my head against a wall until I throw up."

LOL hilarious.

 

[ecstacey]

Re: I hope you have not SAID or HEARD these!

26 Worst Pickuplines*


1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go fuck.

3. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

4. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

5. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.

6. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

7. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you I'd be coming, too.

8. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

10. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big-Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

11. Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll bang you all night long.

12. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

13. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

14. If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town.

15. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.

16. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

17. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

18. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

19. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

20. Hi my name is _______. Remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.

21. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

22. Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.

23. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

24. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

25. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter -- I stick to the roof of your mouth.

26. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

Ok, those were bad. To be fair, some men things comming up next.

"how about you and i play army? i lay down and you blow the hell out of me."

Cinderella's ball

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

"Cough, gag, choke...."

WHORRIBLE.

 

[sheath]

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

LMAO!

I love that one!

S.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

I ain't much for shopping,
Nor even goin' into town -
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't easily found.
But the day came when I had to go
And I left the kids with ma.
But before I left she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"
Without thinkin' I said "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
I bent down and kissed her
And said, "I'll be back by three"
Well, when I done the things I needed,
I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing,
Was working up a sweat.
I crossed the street to the ladies shop
With my hat pulled over my eyes,
I wasn't takin' any chances
On bein' recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told the lady right straight out,
"Ma'am, I'm here to buy a bra."
From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
At least fifteen women in the store
And they's all gawkin' at me!
"What kind would you be looking for?"
"Well," I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before
Thought bras was bras," I said.
She gives me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Come with me," I heard her say,
And like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
Well, I thought my jaw'd hit the floor
When I seen that lingerie.
They had all these different styles
That I'd not seen before
I thought that I'd go crazy
'fore I left that women's store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel
Like you weren't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.
Well, I finally make my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady,
"Bag it up," And figured I was done
But then she asked me for the size.
I didn't hesitate.
I knew them measurements by heart,
" A six-and-seven-eighths."
"Six and seven eighths, well sir,
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! Yeah, I'm positive,
I just measured them last night."
I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.
"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered
And they's all a-crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
My wife heard the whole story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who'd called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For no more women's underwear.

 

[MagicFingers]

Re: Re: I hope you have not SAID or HEARD these!

"how about you and i play army? i lay down and you blow the hell out of me."
OK!

WHORRIBLE.

Yep
Cute poem, NaughtyLil

Man, Ostrich, Cat:
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it."

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," The ostrich says "I'll have the same" And the cat says "I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll
have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have a small scotch but I'm not paying for it", says the cat. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.

" That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the cat?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

 

[Delicacy]

A profesional looking lady sits down in a plane. Scarcly a minute later, she raises her hankerchief, and sneezes loudly. Then she moans deeply and falls back intto her seat, smileing.

A bit later she gives a repeat preformance, this time sneazeing several times, moaning each one and shakeing visibley. when she slumps back her mouth is gapeing as she gasps for air, shudders still running down her body.

After a third time she has a fit of sneezes and screams, her body tenseing and relaxing, sweat forming on her skin even in the cool airplane air. She sits with a satified smile once it settles down as the flight attentent begins to question her.

In no fit state to answer the seasoned pro pulls out a docter's card. It says the poor lady has a rare disorder, her nose and pussy are to closely tied in the brain, and she succumbs to orgasm each time she sneezes.

"Oh dear" the attendt asks "what are you takeing for it?"

She answers breathlessly "Pepper."

Good one, good one, good one!!!

 

[ecstacey]

hay sweetums i didn't make that joke that was a terrible pick up line i heard and yes it was WHORRIBLE.

 

[MagicFingers]

anesthesiologist

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female
doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks
the female doctor to dinner. She accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself
to go wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to
another and they end up in her hotel room.

Just as things get hot and heavy, the female doctor
interrupts and says she is going to wash her hands.
Then following the bed session, she again gets up and
washes her hands.

When she returns the male doctor says, "I bet you are a
surgeon." She confirms this, and asks how he knew.
"Easy," he says, "you're always washing your hands."

Then she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist." To
which he replies, "Wow, how did you guess?"

Replies the female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Re: anesthesiologist

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female
doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks
the female doctor to dinner. She accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself
to go wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to
another and they end up in her hotel room.

Just as things get hot and heavy, the female doctor
interrupts and says she is going to wash her hands.
Then following the bed session, she again gets up and
washes her hands.

When she returns the male doctor says, "I bet you are a
surgeon." She confirms this, and asks how he knew.
"Easy," he says, "you're always washing your hands."

Then she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist." To
which he replies, "Wow, how did you guess?"

Replies the female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."

That was a good one!

 

[NaughtyLil1]

A Chicken, a Horse, and a Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to Sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up chicks.

 

[assister49]

A few fun signs.

 

[assister49]

Fun signs.

 

[assister49]

Fun signs (cont).

 

[assister49]

And my favorite..

 

[assister49]

At the risk of offending the animal lovers out there...