How to make people laugh

[ReadyOne]

Zeb was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too but on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation.

The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but the Pullet Surprise as well.

 

[hook848]

The Legend of Piss Pot Pete

Now gather round and I'll tell a story of old,
When men were brave and women were bold.
It all started a way out west,
To settle the bet of who was best.

Now Old Lill fucked everything that crawled or creeped,
And piled her victims in a great big heap.
There wasn't a man for miles around,
With a big enough rod to fuck her down.

Now news of this boast traveled far and wide,
Thousands of rod-toters came and died.
When down from Knoxville came Piss Pot Pete,
With eighteen pounds of Swinging Meat.

Eighteen pounds of meat and thirty pounds of cod,
He wasn't a boy--he was a MAN, by God!
Pete laid it out on the Blue Balls Bar,
I'll swear it stretched from thar to...........thar.

Stunk like shit, I thought I'd die,
But Pete just laughed and let it lie.
Gentlemen, countrymen, boys in blue,
Came to witness this terrible screw.

People came from miles afar,
To place their bets at the Blue Balls Bar.
They met the next morning in the middle of the street,
The Mangey Whore and Piss Pot Pete.

Pete greased his dick with a tub of lard,
And he killed a mule workin up a hard.
Old Lill warmed up on an old cross-tie,
Oh my God how the splinters did fly.

Pete came down Main Street like a south-bound freight,
And Old Lill knew she'd met her fate.
All she could do was to take a seat,
And let old Pete sink his meat.

With a stretching of flesh, and tearing of skin,
Old Pete drove the first two feet in.
Old Lill screamed and clawed at the grass,
And yelled like a panther with a turpentined ass.

Lill let out a scream, "I can't take any more!"
But Pete pounded away on the smelly old whore.
The earth shook and dark came to the sun,
Pete's eyes rolled back and he fired off his gun.

When the battle was over and the dust had cleared,
Over forty acres, Lill's ass was smeared.
Gallons of love were spilled out in the street.
It was so damn sticky, you couldn't pick up your feet.

Land was torn up for miles around,
Where Old Pete's balls had drug the ground.
Pete reeled in his dick and pounded his chest,
Got on two horses and rode off West.

As a lasting memory to the great Old Whore,
They hung her drawers on the Bar Room door.
And all the soap this side of hell,
Couldn't wash away that whorehouse smell.

 

[MagicFingers]

Thanks everyone

Still LMAO at NaughtyLil1's and ReadyOne's jokes.
And, thanks assister49 for the JPG's. Whenever I can find my backup Jokes\pics folder, I plan to post some too.

hook848 - nice poem. Once when I worked in a factory at a large manufacturing company, about 30 years ago when I was very young, this incident happened, for real!
Piss Pot Pete reminded me of it:
The floor was open, with Test on one side and Assembly on the other, where about 20-30 women worked at assembling the electro-mechanical plotter devices I worked on. We had a supervisor, who was about 35 years old or less. There was an assembly supervisor who always called him "BOY". He got fed up with it and responded this way one time, back before people got fired or repremanded for this type talk!
She, "BOY, Come here and check this out."
He, "BOY! 20 POUNDS OF MEAT AND A BUCKET OF BALLS AND YOU CALL ME 'BOY'?" he shouted back across the floor.
She never called him BOY again!
True story.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Bus stop


In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

 

[Wizard]

Bus stop


In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

Now That was good!!!!

 

[Wizard]

Warning...This can be habit forming!







JUST IN CASE YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO!

Use your left mouse button. This can become addictive.


http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm

 

[assister49]

This is such fun - thanks for the great jokes.

And yes, I admit - this is addictive!

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Dear Friend:

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in Washington, DC Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.

It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jessie Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Thank you,

Bill Clinton Monument Committee

 

[MagicFingers]

Coffee N Doughnuts

He delivers!

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

Re: Coffee N Doughnuts

He delivers!

Hey, what a great idea for a little fun!

 

[assister49]

Just the coffee

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Re: Coffee N Doughnuts

He delivers!

Good one, Magic!

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

Just the coffee

Whoa!

 

[NaughtyLil1]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

 

[NaughtyLil1]

There were two elderly people who lived in a nursing home, and usually spent their afternoons together watching television. They would often lie in bed and she would hold his pecker, although she wouldn't do anything more with it.

One day, she's walking down the hall and she passes the room of another female resident. To her surprise, she sees her boyfriend lying on the bed and another woman is holding his pecker.

She storms into the room and shouts, "I thought we had something going for us! Is she better looking than me? Is she younger? What does she have that I don't?"

The old man looks up and remarks with grin, "Parkinsons."

 

[falcon29]

Rim shot...

Did you hear about the dyslexic bulimic?
Every time she ate a big meal she'd stick her finger up her ass.

 

[falcon29]

Rim shot...

Did you hear about the dyslexic bulimic?
Every time she ate a big meal she'd stick her finger up her ass.

********************

ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM LETTERS RECEIVED BY THE TORONTO
WELFARE DEPARTMENT FROM APPLICATIONS FOR AID AND ASSISTANCE.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died and was baptized on half sheet of paper.

I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children, can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.

This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead, the man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he finds out.

I am very annoyed that you have branded my son illiterate, as this is a lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter I have given birth to a boy weighing ten lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.

My husband had his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference?

I haven't had children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and this doesn't seem to do me any good. If things don't improve I will be forced to send for another doctor.

It is true I am a bachelor and have deducted for two children. But please believe me when I say it was an accident.

Please excuse the condition of my messy form. I really should have been more careful.

I am a vermin destroyer but have not earned anything for some months. I shall be glad to call on you at your convenience.

Please send me a claim form as I have had a baby. I had one before but it got dirty and I burned it.

I cannot pay the full amount at the moment as my husband is in hospital. As soon as I can I will send on the remains.

Please correct this assessment. I have not worked for the past three months as I have broken my leg. Hoping you will do the same...

 

[falcon29]

Modern Medicine

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him.

"I'm a veterinarian and I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, and looked her up and down.
He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course you realize, if that doesn't work, then we'll have to put you to sleep."

 

[falcon29]

One more for now...

Q. Why doesn't a witch wear underwear?

A. She gets a better grip on her broomstick.

 

[MercyMia]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"

LOLOL!!!!! I loved this one!

 

[assister49]

There were two elderly people who lived in a nursing home, and usually spent their afternoons together watching television. They would often lie in bed and she would hold his pecker, although she wouldn't do anything more with it.

One day, she's walking down the hall and she passes the room of another female resident. To her surprise, she sees her boyfriend lying on the bed and another woman is holding his pecker.

She storms into the room and shouts, "I thought we had something going for us! Is she better looking than me? Is she younger? What does she have that I don't?"

The old man looks up and remarks with grin, "Parkinsons."

Great one!!

 

[NaughtyLil1]

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", the bartender replies.

"Four cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the man who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same thing I'm doing to his business."

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

Top 10 things you'll never hear your dad say

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear Your Dad Say.

10. Well how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for non-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude.... I like that in a young person!

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!!

6. What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your mother and I are going away for while. You might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doohickey thingies - you know - that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to the mechanic's and pay whatever they ask.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring - now quit your belly aching and lets get to the mall.

2. Whaddaya want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? Ah - don't worry about that - it's no big deal.

 

[Miira]

Not sexual but still hilarious

How To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick cat up, cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take taste away. Clean up spouse's blood from carpet.
8. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber
band.
9. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Fetch bottle of scotch. Drink a shot. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to
disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away.
10. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
11. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
12. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
13. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from Hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters..

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
DONE!

 

[MagicFingers]

Welcome to Lit, Miira!

I'm pleased that you chose this thread for your first post!
I hope you enjoy it here and have a good time.
Most of us do. In fact, here is a picture of the typical Literotica member's brain: Wait for it to move!