How to make people laugh

[BeachLovers]

McGregor the....

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man: "Laddy, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder?
Nooo...."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?
Nooo...."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I sunk the pilings meself and nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder?
Nooo...."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention, and says in a low voice:
"But ya fuck one goat .... "

 

[BeachLovers]

Math Lesson

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Love,
-Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Re: Welcome to Lit, Miira!

I'm pleased that you chose this thread for your first post!
I hope you enjoy it here and have a good time.
Most of us do. In fact, here is a picture of the typical Literotica member's brain: Wait for it to move!

That was a good one.

 

[MagicFingers]

Re: Re: Welcome to Lit, Miira!

That was a good one.

You're welcome.
I think a lot of people missed because it was at the bottom of a page. Here it is again, Lit member's brain scan:
https://forum.literotica.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=8887299

 

[Northernman069]

This is great stuff!!!

I just can't remember jokes

NM

 

[MagicFingers]

Hot from my email

Subject: Male or Female

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender--
For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in,but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a
whileto warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last
5,000years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male.
But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

 

[KaliGrrl]

Hello, everyone! Sex and humor--what could be better?

MagicFingers--hope this one gets a chuckle out of you.

==============================================


A very attractive woman enters a bar in a rural town. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. After he does so, she begins to softly caress his face with her hands.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, gently stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, while running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid not," the bartender lies, thinking to keep such a golden opportunity to himself. "But is there any thing I can do for you?"

"Why, yes, there is." she pouts her lips flirtily. "I need you to give him a message." she continues, sexily popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and encouraging him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say breathlessly. "Tell him" she whispers, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

 

[Missingmeds]

Something that I recieved in a email.

If you are not a resident of Alabama or never have lived in the hot, humid South, you may not understand the weight of this blessing!

-Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.

-Please keep it cool in mid-July.

-Bless the walls where termites dine,

-While ants and roaches march in time.
-Bless our yard where spiders pass

-Fire ant castles in the grass.

-Bless the garage, a home to please

-Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.

-Bless the love bugs, two by two,

-the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.

-Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,

-in Alabam, Lord, you've put them all!!

-But this is home, and here we'll stay,

-So thank you Lord, for insect spray.



HOLD IT.............there's more....................



YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN ALABAMA IN JULY WHEN. . . .

-The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

-The trees are whistling for the dogs.

-The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

-Hot water now comes out of both taps.

-You can make sun tea instantly.

-You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding
iron.

-The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

-You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your
car.

-You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

-You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

-You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

-Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out
and end up lying on the pavement and get cooked to death"

-You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

-The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one
out and add butter salt, and pepper.

-Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
laying boiled eggs.

-The cows are giving evaporated milk.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Something that I recieved in a email.

If you are not a resident of Alabama or never have lived in the hot, humid South, you may not understand the weight of this blessing!

-Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.

-Please keep it cool in mid-July.

-Bless the walls where termites dine,

-While ants and roaches march in time.
-Bless our yard where spiders pass

-Fire ant castles in the grass.

-Bless the garage, a home to please

-Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.

-Bless the love bugs, two by two,

-the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.

-Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,

-in Alabam, Lord, you've put them all!!

-But this is home, and here we'll stay,

-So thank you Lord, for insect spray.



HOLD IT.............there's more....................



YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN ALABAMA IN JULY WHEN. . . .

-The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

-The trees are whistling for the dogs.

-The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

-Hot water now comes out of both taps.

-You can make sun tea instantly.

-You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding
iron.

-The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

-You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your
car.

-You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

-You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

-You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

-Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out
and end up lying on the pavement and get cooked to death"

-You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

-The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one
out and add butter salt, and pepper.

-Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
laying boiled eggs.

-The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Been there, lived it.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Explaining Condoms

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March." one for March."

 

[MagicFingers]

Clinton Memorial

Thanks, NaughtyLil. Ain't it the truth!
And, KaliGrrl, yep, made me smile; and also go EWWWW!
(You sound like you should be from Calif, not Mich!)
And Missing meds and NaughtyLil, Shaking my head yes to all those Ala things, having been born and raised there! How true.
Thanks everyone!
Here's an old but topical pic:

 

[midwestyankee]

I've now encountered the "you fuck a sheep/goat once" story regarding two ethnic groups. Just waiting to hear someone try to pin it on an urban ethnic group.

Pierre, who was known more for his strong back than his intellect, stopped by the lumberyard one Saturday to get some materials for a project.

"Hey, Pierre, how's you, eh?" said Jacques, who owned the lumberyard.

"I'm doing good, me. Look, I need me some four by twos."

Jacques answered, "OK, you want some two by fours, eh? How long?"

Pierre replied, "I need 'em a long time. Gonna build me a garage."

 

[wicked woman]

Got this in my email today....


There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Mary's!

 

[KaliGrrl]

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Mary's!



KaliGrrl bows her head and says: "Hail Mary, full of grace........"

I was definitely waiting for the dirty punch-line. *slaps her hand* Bad grrl! Bad grrl!

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Got this in my email today....


There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Mary's!

LOL I'm off to confession.

 

[juan tractor]

Don't let this happen to you...

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman, half his age, as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her." "Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy". A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?" "Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer. "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently. "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

 

[ReadyOne]

Rancher's Widow

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

 

[sexyallover]

When the USA President left office the senate decided to give him a painting as a farewell gift. They wanted a painting that showed eary American history. They asked a very famous painter to paint it and he said 'Yes, provided that nobody saw it before the unveiling'

They said 'Ok'

The unveiling ceremony came round and the assembled throng including the ex President were waiting to see the picture.

When the cover came off, at the top of the picture was a row of fishes with halos round their heads and at the bottom of the picture there were lots of Red Indian men & Women having sex.

Everybody was shocked. The Chairman said to the Painter 'I thought we asked you to paint a picture depicting early American History whats this?

The painter said 'Its General Custers Last Stand'

How do you work that out says the Chairman.

'Easy, Holy Mackerel, look at all them fuckin indians'

 

[KaliGrrl]

Re: Rancher's Widow

[

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!" [/B][/QUOTE]


ROFLMFAO!!! tHANK YOU THANK YOU! This was just what I needed to make my work day go a little faster. I keep giggling to my self--my co-workers are sure I'm mad......but then, they knew that anyways.

 

[KaliGrrl]

A man meets a girl in a bar, they get in his car, and she sucks his cock for hours. About 2 o'clock in the morning, he pulls into his driveway, reaches in his glove compartment, takes out a resin bag, and rubs it on his hands. He walks in the house and his wife's standing there, waiting for him.

She says, "Where the hell have you been?"
He says, "I was out getting my dick sucked all night."
She grabs his hands, looks at them, and says, "Look at the resin on your hands, you lying son-of-a-bitch. You were bowling!

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Re: Rancher's Widow

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

Oh, that was good. Not what I was expecting.

 

[KaliGrrl]

A guy stops and picks up a hitchhiker, and before he can take off, the hitchhiker pulls out a gun and orders him to jack off. So he does. Then the hitchhiker tells him to do it again. So he does it again. As soon as he finishes the second time, the hitchhiker tells him to do it once more. After pumping and pumping and pumping, he finally is able to finish the third time. Suddenly the hitchhiker hops out of the car and a very pretty girl gets in.

The hitchhiker leans in and says, "Now will you do me a favor and give my kid sister a ride to the next town?"

 

[KaliGrrl]

OK last ones for now....gotta get back to work

A guy walks into a bar and there's a gorilla squatting in the corner. He says to the bartender, "What's with the gorilla?"
The bartender replies, "Here, I'll show you."

He takes a baseball bat from behind the bar, walks around, and SMASH!--clocks the gorilla right in the forehead. The gorilla drops to his knees and gives the bartender a superlative blow-job.

When the gorilla's all done the bartender turns to the guy and says, "What d'you think?" The guy says, "Hey, that's great!"

The bartender says, "Do you want to try?"
The guy replies, "OK.....but don't hit me so hard."

==============================================

Bubba is out hunting and he sees a bear. He shoots, and the bear falls. He goes running up, and there's no bear. There's a tap on his shoulder and when he turns around, there's the bear.

The bear says, "Did you just shoot at me?"
Bubba says, "Yeah."
The bear points at his cock and says, "Suck my dick."

Well, what can he do, it's a bear. So he sucks the bear's cock. He swallows. (That had nothing to do with this joke, but I like to promote that whenever I can. )

Bubba goes to the gun shop and buys a double-barrel shotgun. He goes into the woods, sees the same bear, fires both barrels, and the bear falls. He goes running up, and again, no bear. A tap on his shoulder, and it's the bear.

Bear: "Did you just shoot at me twice with a double-barreled shotgun?"
Bubba: "Yeah."
Bear: "Pull down your pants and bend over that log over there."

Well, what can he do, it's a bear. He pulls down his pants, bends over the log, and the bear fucks him in the ass. (And it takes a long time, because the bear had just gotten his cock sucked.)

The next day, Bubba goes into the gun shop and buys an elephant gun. He goes into the forest, spots the bear, empties his entire magazine, and the bear falls.

He goes running up and the bear just looks at him. "You don't come here to hunt, do you?"

 

[Wizard]

Thought this was funny........

 

[Wizard]