How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

> Snow Daze
>
>
>
> One winter morning in Michigan a couple was listening to the radio
while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to
have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.

" Norman's wife went out and moved her car.

> A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must
park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
get through."

Norman 's wife went out and moved her car again.

> The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must
park ..."

> Then the electric power went off.

Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

> With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
> married to blondes exhibit, Norman said. "Why don't you just leave it
in the garage this time?".
>
>

 

[wally2450]

Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his
parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls. They
cautioned him he could easily kill someone. Through the grapevine,
his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and
suggests they have sex. He refuses expressing concern he might kill
her. She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be
on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen. He
reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful
sensations, she faints from pure joy. Thinking he's killed her,
Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and crying, "Oh my G~d!... I
killed her! I killed her!" All at once he stops dead in his tracks,
and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says,
"Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. She committed suicide!"

Little Susie was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she
declared, "A baby brother." "Sweetheart, Daddy and I would like to
give you a baby brother," said her mom, "But there just isn't time
before your birthday." Susie thought for a moment and replied, "Why
don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want
something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."

 

[wally2450]

Prince Charles was reversing his Land Rover out of the garage when he ran over the Queen's favorite corgi. He got out and found the corgi dead, squashed to a pulp. Just then a Genie popped up and said "Your highness I can give you one wish. What would you like?"

The Prince said "This is mummy's favorite dog. Can you bring it back to life?".

So the Genie said "Let's have a look at the dog." "Oh no, nothing can be done with this dog, you ran over it with the Land Rover there is too much damage to the dog ... nothing can be done".

"But you must," says the Prince, "It's mummy's favorite!".

"I'm sorry" said the Genie, "there's no way I can bring it back to life".

"OK" said the prince, "But do I still have a wish?".

"Yes", said the Genie.

"Well", said the Prince, "I'm marrying Camilla in a few days, could you make her as beautiful as Diana was?".

The Genie thought for a while then said "Let's have another look at the dog".

 

[smoothdevil]

Prince Charles was reversing his Land Rover out of the garage when he ran over the Queen's favorite corgi. He got out and found the corgi dead, squashed to a pulp. Just then a Genie popped up and said "Your highness I can give you one wish. What would you like?"

The Prince said "This is mummy's favorite dog. Can you bring it back to life?".

So the Genie said "Let's have a look at the dog." "Oh no, nothing can be done with this dog, you ran over it with the Land Rover there is too much damage to the dog ... nothing can be done".

"But you must," says the Prince, "It's mummy's favorite!".

"I'm sorry" said the Genie, "there's no way I can bring it back to life".

"OK" said the prince, "But do I still have a wish?".

"Yes", said the Genie.

"Well", said the Prince, "I'm marrying Camilla in a few days, could you make her as beautiful as Diana was?".

The Genie thought for a while then said "Let's have another look at the dog".

LMAO LMAO .... i vote for the dog

 

[wally2450]

A blonde and her brunette friend were walking in the park one Sunday morning. The brunette said, " Look at the dead bird!" The blonde looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" Later, after they had brunch at a cafe downtown and left the cafe, the blond nudged her brunette friend and pointed to the florist across the street and said, " Hey, isn't that your husband going in there?" To which the replied, " Yes, my beloved husband. No man could treat me better. But now I will have to be on my back for the next three days with my legs up in the air." The blonde was aghast and said, " What's the matter, don't you have a vase?"

 

[wally2450]

Dick in a Box - Short SNL Vid 2:45 min

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8553106494874575236&q=dick+in+a+box&hl=en

 

[jadefirefly]

What a coincidence. I just came across this today, after having seen that video last week.

http://www.temptation-radio.com/jade/cats/cat_inabox.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Lmao!!

 

[wally2450]

The redneck patient was being admonished by the doctor at the local
health clinic. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you
ain't to have no relations whatsoever!" Pausing for a moment, the
young patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbors?"

 

[wally2450]

I found this funny story...

InnerGoat: My wife has 2 problems. One is the fact that everytime she gets drunk she gets mean. She always looks for a fight, or a way to make me feel like shit me. The other problem is that every morning after she gets drunk she has an explosive watery shit. One night she pushed me to far.
She was drunk of course and felling a little frisky so we we messing around and I tried to put it in the butt, she got mad and started talking shit, about how I'm no good and my dick is small, and that she probally wouldn't even feel it. so we never did have sex.
After she went to sleep I couldn't get the pain of her saying my dick was small out of my head. I wanted to embarrass her as much as she embarrased me. So I got an Idea
I went to my sons room and got his bag of marbles. i then went to my secret stash and got a bottle of lube. I could just image her reactions when you shit marbles the next morning. I lubed them up one at a time and slowly pushed each one in. About a hundered in all. I got so excited I jerked off then giggled my self to sleep.
The next morning I woke up so excited I couldn't stand it. I made allot of noise getting dressed so she would wake up. She did and not 3 minutes later she said " oh my stomach. not again" and ran to the bathroom. I was in thee brushing my teeth. Usually she would tell me to leave but the urge was to intense. She sat down and let it rip.
She dam near had a heart attack from the noise. The marbles hitting the porcelin sounded like a machine gun going off in the bathroon. She turned white as a sheet and stood up. Still shitting all over the place. Marbles rolling all over the floor as they bounced around. It took her a couple of minutes to put it all together. She said " What the ****" I just laughed and laughed as she packed her shit and left.
I really do kind of miss her though.

 

[wally2450]

A man goes to the Super Bowl, but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it. The guy sitting next to him says, "Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "I'm sorry to hear that," says the first man. "Couldn't you find a friend or a relative to come with you?" "Nope," replies the second guy. "Everyone's at the funeral."

 

[smoothdevil]

A man goes to the Super Bowl, but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it. The guy sitting next to him says, "Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "I'm sorry to hear that," says the first man. "Couldn't you find a friend or a relative to come with you?" "Nope," replies the second guy. "Everyone's at the funeral."[/QUOT


LMAO

 

[wally2450]

Rita Rudner's Facts About Men


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates it can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Men forget everything; women remember everything.

That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

 

[smoothdevil]

Why, Why, Why . . . .


do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you?!!

 

[smoothdevil]

Rita Rudner's Facts About Men


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.


All men would still really like to own a train set.

-------------------------


SO true .... lol lol lol

 

[wally2450]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."

 

[smoothdevil]

Happy New Year....


have a great one ... be careful ... be safe

 

[wally2450]

The Royal Wedding Night

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla.

"Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

 

[wally2450]

An Englishman shot himself in the groin recently after drinking 15
pints of beer, and stuffing a sawed-off shotgun down his pants.
Apparently, the man was under the impression the gun wasn't fully
cocked, and now he isn't either.

 

[wally2450]

 

[wally2450]

A guy comes home to his wife at 2AM smelling of alcohol and sporting a dischevelled appearance. The wife asks, "What have you been doing at this hour?" "Birdwatching, " said the man. "Right", says the woman. "Just what kind of bird is out at this time of the night?" The man replied, "A red headed, doublebreasted mattress thrasher!"

 

[wally2450]

The Texan, seated in the hotel cocktail lounge, beckoned the waitress
back and said, "May I have a piece of ass?" "Lord!" She said
astonished. "That's gotta be the most direct proposition I've ever
had in my life. But why not? Let's go on up to your room." When they
returned, she said, "And now sir, will there be anything else?"
"Yeah, lil' Lady." the cowboy replied. "I still need ah piece of ass
for mah drink."

 

[smoothdevil]

A guy comes home to his wife at 2AM smelling of alcohol and sporting a dischevelled appearance. The wife asks, "What have you been doing at this hour?" "Birdwatching, " said the man. "Right", says the woman. "Just what kind of bird is out at this time of the night?" The man replied, "A red headed, doublebreasted mattress thrasher!"

have to try this one .. LMAO

 

[wally2450]

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.

It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way

 

[smoothdevil]

> A Newfoundlander is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a
> call on his cell phone. When the call ends, he orders drinks
> for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has
> just produced a typical Newfoundland baby boy weighing 25
> pounds.


> Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
> pounds,but the Newfoundlander just shrugs, "That's about
> average up North, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical
> Newfoundland baby boy."


> Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
> exclamations of "WOW"!were heard. One woman actually
> fainted due to sympathy pains.

> Two weeks later the Newfoundlander returns to the bar. The
> bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical
> Newfoundland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't
> you? Everybody's been making'
> bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call
> you.......

> so how much does he weigh now?"

> The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

> The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He
> already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."


> The Newfoundland father takes a slow swig from his Black
> Horse beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into
> the bartender and proudly says,

> "had him circumcised".