How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could

immediately take the words back...

or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow

and asked loudly,

"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn't say a word...

he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen

who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said,

"I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and

passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day,

my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon,

my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

her after receiving looks of disgust

and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

"right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a

voice just as threatening,

"If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped

what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when

the door closed behind me,

were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training

and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch

in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco,

I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked

my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

The realized that Danny

had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go,

and he said "No".

I kept thinking

"Oh Lord, that child has had an

accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said,

"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,

because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time,

"Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up,

yanked down his pants,

bent over,

spread his cheeks

and yelled

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better,

thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh

and remember

we all say things we don't really mean,

so think before you speak

 

[wally2450]

What should you do if your date yells, "I can't take it any longer!"?
Tell her not to worry; it's not gonna get any longer!

What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

What do you call a coke bottle full of bees?
A West Virginia Vibrator

 

[wally2450]

The blonde had completed four weeks of dental restoration. She
confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with
her dentist... and she was going to propose to him. Her friend said,
"Come on now, you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens
of men that adore you. Why this dentist? " "Because, " said the
blonde, "he is the first man that ever said to me 'SPIT, don't
SWALLOW! '"

 

[MagicFingers]

Stamps

I was behind a guy in line at the post office. He asked,
"Do you have any stamps with weasels, rats, or leeches on them? I'm sending this to my wife's lawyer."

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: old age


Getting old is so hard at times.



Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.

NOW , I talk like an asshole .



...but my gums don't itch!

 

[MagicFingers]

Getting old

Subject: old age


Getting old is so hard at times.



...

Or not...

 

[smoothdevil]

Or not...

lol ... you either enjoy the ride or die bitchin' ... lol

 

[wally2450]

Ways to ruin a man's life
# Do not say what you mean. Ever.
# Be ambiguous. Always.
# Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
# Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...or with other boyfriends.
# Make them apologize for everything.
# Stash feminine products in their cars, backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
# Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
# Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know"... Loud. Look at them. Smile. Say...haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
# Look them in the eye and start laughing.
# Get mad at them for everything.
# Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
# Hold grudges.
# Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
# When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
# Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess.
# Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
# Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
# Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
# Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
# Plan little relationship anniversaries, I.e. The monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
# Fall for your FAC. (I don't know what this is)
# Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
# Correct their grammar.
# Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
# Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
# Leave out the good parts in stories.
# Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
# Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
# Declare that you are not wacko.
# Criticize the way they dress.
# Criticize the music they listen to.
# Criticize their hair.
# Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
# Try to change them.
# Try to mold them.
# Try to get them to dance.
# Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
# When they screw up, never let them forget it.
# Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting...just because.
# Blame everything on PMS.
# Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
# Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
# Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
# Read into everything..
# Over-analyze everything.
# Make it your goal to make them cry

 

[wally2450]

You heard about the lady with five children whose doctor
prescribed her Valium for anxiety and stress, right?

When she went back in two weeks she told the doctor that
everything was wonderful! She said that her house was
quiet and clean, she had time to read and even enjoy her
favorite television shows each day.

But she did need a refill on her script. "A refill,
already?!", said the doctor, "How many pills are you
taking?"

"Taking!?" the patient replied, "I've been giving them
to my children."

 

[wally2450]

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care
about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of
upright character. Then a man came in and told them the only thing he
was seeking in a woman was intelligence. The service matched them
together at once because they had one thing in common - they were
both compulsive liars.

The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was Columbus treated
when he returned from his third voyage?" One student said, "Lots of
people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time." Sternly,
the teacher said, "You didn't read the assignment!" The student
brought the textbook up to the teacher's desk and showed her where it
read, "Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his
third voyage."

 

[Saucyminx]

This proves that love and romance still abound and that most men are quite
romantic!

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for
their anniversary. The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes
Benz.

Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"

The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond
necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."

The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him
what he got his wife.

"I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."

With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy
her those gifts?!"

The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go fuck herself."

 

[smoothdevil]

TEXAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL

(You gotta love this one!)

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 95 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge 95 cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R -- Allah be Praised !!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 44 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R -- Allah is Great !!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !!! "

Dallas ATC: "Saudi Air 95?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!!

INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?

 

[wally2450]

:d :d

 

[wally2450]

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child!
What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says,

"Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have shot that beaver." "My point exactly." said the Doctor

 

[wally2450]

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.

"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his wife."

"So stop," the barkeep said.

"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"

 

[wally2450]

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test". "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.

The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?" "No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?" "No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out Plato was screwing his wife.

 

[smoothdevil]

The Why's of Men



1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?



(because they are plugged into a genius)



2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?



(they don't have enough time)



3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?



(they don't stop to ask directions)



4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?



(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)



(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)



5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?



(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)



6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?



(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)



7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?



(don't know.....it never happened)



(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)



And the personal favorite:



8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?



(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)



Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart.

 

[smoothdevil]

Redneck Man's Pickup Lines:

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

 

[wally2450]

A Child Labor Story.......


Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you
believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our
time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day
a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot.

The young family's 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing
the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more
or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with
her,
let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave
her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this
home
to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and
suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank
the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a
young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the F***ING DRYWALL..."

 

[smoothdevil]

A Child Labor Story.......


Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you
believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our
time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day
a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot.

The young family's 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing
the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more
or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with
her,
let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave
her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this
home
to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and
suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank
the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a
young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the F***ING DRYWALL..."

LOL LOL LOL

 

[wally2450]

I thought you would enjoy this little blurb of nonfiction:

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947 witnesses claimed that an
unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and
cattle ranch outside Roswell , New Mexico

This is a well know incident that many say has long been covered up by
the U.S Air Force and the Federal Government.

However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948 exactly nine
months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.; Hillary
Rodham Clinton;
John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy
Pelosi;
Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer and Barbara Boxer were born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep...? This piece of
information may clear up a lot of things.

 

[Ron54]

Some of these are re-treads but still funny.
Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:



1.) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2.) A day without sunshine is like . . night.

3.) On the other hand . . you have different fingers

4.) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5.) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6.) Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7.) He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8.) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9.) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10.) Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12.) Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13.) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14.) How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

15.) OK, so what's the speed of dark?

16.) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17.) Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18.) Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19.) How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20.) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines..

21.) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22.) I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23.) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24.) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

25.) Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26.) Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27.) Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

[smoothdevil]

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,
they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch

 

[wally2450]

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied .
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled .....
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

 

[wally2450]

You may have heard some of these before, but....


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma."

Rolling Eyes And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

-----------------------------------------------------------
He said -"Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"

She said -"That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had tickets in her hand.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN -
-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"