How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew it both times!

Two gals sitting in a cocktail lounge. Time is about 8:30 P.M. Said
one: "It looks like a dull evening. By golly, if I'm not in bed by 10
o'clock, I'm going home!"

 

[wally2450]

A Scotsman goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and himself a
prostitute.He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour lass?"

"£100," she replies
So he asks, "Okay do you do Scottish style?"

She says "No!"

He then asks her, "I'll pay you £200 to do it Scottish style?"

She again says no, not knowing what Scottish style was!

So he then offers her £300. Again she declines his offer.

So finally he says, "I'll give you £500 to go Scottish style
with me!"

Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for 10 years now,
I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from
every corner of the world. How bad
could Scottish style be?"
So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way
and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they
finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was
fantastic.
I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something
perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?"

The Scotsman replies . . . "I'll pay you next week".

 

[smoothdevil]

Will I Live To Be 80?


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
him, "Do you think I'll live to > be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I
replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my
former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I
said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a $hit?"

 

[Ron54]

Diet for the new year

The Purina Diet
I have a Golden retriever.

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to
check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, I told her no, and that I was starting The Purina
Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in
the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the
way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and
that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it
again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was
by now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls
and a car hit me.

 

[glynndah]

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around; searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plough straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

 

[smoothdevil]

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around; searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plough straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

LMAO ....

 

[glynndah]

Do you know why there are no blind parachutists?

The dogs can never learn when to pull the rip cords.

(Told to me by a blind friend who actually has been skydiving. His dog stayed on the ground.)

 

[wally2450]

Q: What's the definition of irreconcilable differences?
A: When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it
into a bullet.

 

[smoothdevil]

Q: What's the definition of irreconcilable differences?
A: When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it
into a bullet.

LOL LOL LOL .... one of the best .... LOL LOL LOL

 

[smoothdevil]

little FLAB !!



One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said...

"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."


While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent .



The next morning, the man woke his wife with
a pinch on each of her breasts and said....

"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."


This was beyond a silent response...



So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.'

With a death grip in place, she said...



"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of

the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"

 

[wally2450]

little FLAB !!



One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said...

"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."


While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent .



The next morning, the man woke his wife with
a pinch on each of her breasts and said....

"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."


This was beyond a silent response...



So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.'

With a death grip in place, she said...



"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of

the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"

That guy is lucky to be alive, lol!

 

[wally2450]

Default Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners

1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U- Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back sodas.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

 

[wally2450]

World's Easiest Quiz ?




Passing requires only 6 correct answers out of 10....
A measly 60%.


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done? Check your answers below! Scroll Down!





ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after what animal?

Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?

Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?

Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Orange , of course .

What do you mean you failed?????

Pass this on to
all of your " brilliant" friends!

 

[smoothdevil]

Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes,
somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation
in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named
Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown,
and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney...really
is George Clooney!

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember .. . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:
"STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy
with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an
hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and
cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here
illegally, they want to give you one.

 

[glynndah]

The Cowboy in Church

One Sunday a cowboy went to church.
When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."


So the minister began his sermon.


One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly,


"Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."




The Greek Priest

A Greek priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.


The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"


The minister replies, "Just water."


The trooper asks, "Then, why do I smell wine?"


The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"







The Children of Israel

Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.


"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"


"Right."


"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"


"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"


"Again you're right."


"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans,
an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"


"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"


"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin?"





The Christian Barber

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had
been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said,
"Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."


Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said,
"Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a
quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him.
So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."


Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying
"Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"





Remarkable Parrot

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."


The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."


The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible.
Now she can't see very well.
So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible.
It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."


Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.


"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge.
I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.


"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel.
I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes.
And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"


"But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"





A Rare Book

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible
that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.


"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.


"Yes, that was it!"


"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction
for half a million dollars!"


"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man.
"It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."



The Oil Find

Two old friends met one day after many years.
One attended college, and now was very successful.
The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.


The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"


"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil.
So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.
Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold.
So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced.
Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."


The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible,
flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.
He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."


Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out.
> When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the
news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is
you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a
crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded
that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom, right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.....How
soon can I go home?"

 

[wally2450]

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention
of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant
proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional
sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth
control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their
computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires
and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big
research effort, the project director decided to go to the local
drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered
his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what
his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the
birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the
six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It
wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and
it's too early to get up!

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: THREE WOMEN IN MEXICO

Three Women in Mexico .

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Michigan and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

 

[wally2450]

A Brown University graduate student in biology is wanted now for
allegedly stealing a herpes virus from the university lab. That's
when you know you're a nerd, when you have to steal the herpes virus
instead of going out and catching it in the wild like everyone else.
(Jay Leno)

 

[wally2450]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide.


The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"


The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.


The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll
lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad
things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide !"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well, now, you
didn't tell me you had a prescription.....

 

[smoothdevil]

50 Years Changes how sweet nothings are whispered



On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife
found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.



She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said,
"Honey, do you remember this?"



He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do. You
wore that same negligee the night we were married."


She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to
me that night?"



He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."



"Well, what was it?" she asked.



He was not much in the mood for this, but, he sighed and
responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said,
'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life
out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'"



She giggled and said, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what
you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee.
What do you have to say tonight?"



He looked her up and down and replied,

"Mission accomplished!"

 

[wally2450]

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

 

[wally2450]

The young mother skeptically examined a new, educational toy. "Isn't
it rather complicated for a small boy? " she asked the salesclerk.
"It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, ma'am, "
the clerk replied. "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong. "

 

[2sunshine]

Joey and Katie are at school. Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" exclaimed Katie.

"Correct," says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

"Correct again," says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, the teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

 

[glynndah]

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day
>>So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
>>
>>She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
>>Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them
>>At the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike
>>Cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
>>To approaching drivers...
>>
>>Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
>>It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
>>The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling,
>>"What is going on here?"
>>
>>"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
>>
>>"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures
>>Doing here by the road?" asks the Officer...
>>
>>"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

 

[wally2450]

As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them
noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring.
"What happened, Lilly," she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The
wedding off?" "Yeah," Lilly admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last
week, and he looked so different without his wallet."

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked what was the
problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my
nipples get hard." Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked,
"Your nipples get hard?" "Yes," quite innocently came her reply.
"Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc. So, she
undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach
an answer. After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked
puzzled, said, "Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it's sure
as hell contagious!"