How to narrow the field

[Ravin the Poet]

I am so confused right now, and I have no idea what to do. I am 19 years old, I have never dated and I am in a jam where I just don't see light. So I am going to break it down, because it's going to help me, and help anyone who replies. There are three girls I am interested in. There is a girl I work with, a girl I know from school and a girl I recently started hanging out with. So I will just break them all down.


Girl 1:The girl from school I get along with well, and we always talk on MSN, but due to our schedual and her living in residence, it's hard to get ahold of her sometimes. I've liked her for a year, and she knows I do.

Girl 2: The girl I recently started hanging out with openly has told me she wants to date me and likes me. I do like her and all, just the fact we really haven't hung around that much, and I feel it would be rushing into something.

Girl 3: The girl from work is the one I like the most. We get along well, have fun, hang out outside of work sometimes. I don't know what she thinks, and she doesn't know I like her, but I assume she will soon since people have talked about it with her.


Basically I am to shy to ask people out. This has always been a problem with me, and as much of a outgoing person I am starting to become, it's one part that remains out of play. Girl 1 I have told and I basically wait for her, girl 2 has basically said "you decide" and girl 3 doesn't know yet, but she is the one I want to be with more.

People may say go for 2 because she is a sure thing, but my problem is, I am not sure if it is, because I don't spend time with her that much. I am not going to do this casual date thing, because I don't want to get involved in something I know will go no where.

Should I tell girl 2 about the others? Should I just step up and ask Girl 3 out? Should I ask for an answer from Girl 1. If you asked who I liked more the order would be 3-1-2. (hate to put a rank, but just telling the truth) I really am so lost in what to do. Can anyone give me so advice?

And thanks for listening and reading.

Ravin

 

[My Own Way]

Lets see. I could tell you what my mother always tells me and that is to follow your heart....but that's not overly helpful. I could also say what a lot of others will probably say and that is to pick the one you like the most and go for it...but being a shy person myself, I know it's not that easy.

Unfortunatly I don't think there is a cut and dry answer to your dilema. I think that girl # 1 probably isn't that interested in being more than friends with you if she has known for a longer period of time that you like her and has yet to do anything about it. You don't sound overly excited about girl # 2, and while she might be interested if you're not there 100% you're just cheating yourself. Finally, girl # 3. This one seems to be your girl. The one you're most attracted and interested in. I would go with her if I was you. But the problem is that you don't know how she feels and this could be problematic, especially since you work with her and that could make it kind of awkward. But then again, you never know if you don't try.

Being shy, I know you're probably not overly enthusiastic about asking her out, but relying on a third party is...forgive me...kind of childish. Why don't you just pass her a note during study hall?? And I mean this with more humor than criticizm..honestly I do. But by relying on another person, you're just muddying the waters. So my advice would be to ask girl # 3 out. This is the one you seem the most attracted to, etc. Make it sound casual....why don't we hang out sometime? Something like that.

I hope this helps....

 

[zhukov1943]

>>>I am not going to do this casual date thing, because I don't want to get involved in something I know will go no where.

I think you might have the wrong idea about dating - you don't just choose somebody, and wall off the rest of the world and "nest" with them - dating is an important tool to find out about them, and whether you like being around them in different situations, as well as being a good way to go out and have fun with somebody!

Instead of "narrowing the field", why don't you keep it broad, instead? Generally, people don't date "exclusively" until things start getting pretty serious. Why not take out all three - on different dates, of course - and learn a little about all three of them, instead? That way you can make a more informed decision on which one you might be interested in?

 

[Ravin the Poet]

>>>I am not going to do this casual date thing, because I don't want to get involved in something I know will go no where.

I think you might have the wrong idea about dating - you don't just choose somebody, and wall off the rest of the world and "nest" with them - dating is an important tool to find out about them, and whether you like being around them in different situations, as well as being a good way to go out and have fun with somebody!

Instead of "narrowing the field", why don't you keep it broad, instead? Generally, people don't date "exclusively" until things start getting pretty serious. Why not take out all three - on different dates, of course - and learn a little about all three of them, instead? That way you can make a more informed decision on which one you might be interested in?

lol you wouldn't believe after how I was like "Oh man, my choice of words is going to cause a lot of shit."

My casual dating thing basically means, I don't want to date someone I am basically going to get rid of soon anyway for someone else. If I had 1 girl, maybe, but with three, it's more of a "I want to make sure I am going to get to know the right one"

The dating all three at once thing, well see then I get into the problem of havign to still decide. I have gone out with all three, and have had fun with them all. That's my problem. But I do understand where your coming from.

Ravin

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Lets see. I could tell you what my mother always tells me and that is to follow your heart....but that's not overly helpful. I could also say what a lot of others will probably say and that is to pick the one you like the most and go for it...but being a shy person myself, I know it's not that easy.

Unfortunatly I don't think there is a cut and dry answer to your dilema. I think that girl # 1 probably isn't that interested in being more than friends with you if she has known for a longer period of time that you like her and has yet to do anything about it. You don't sound overly excited about girl # 2, and while she might be interested if you're not there 100% you're just cheating yourself. Finally, girl # 3. This one seems to be your girl. The one you're most attracted and interested in. I would go with her if I was you. But the problem is that you don't know how she feels and this could be problematic, especially since you work with her and that could make it kind of awkward. But then again, you never know if you don't try.

Being shy, I know you're probably not overly enthusiastic about asking her out, but relying on a third party is...forgive me...kind of childish. Why don't you just pass her a note during study hall?? And I mean this with more humor than criticizm..honestly I do. But by relying on another person, you're just muddying the waters. So my advice would be to ask girl # 3 out. This is the one you seem the most attracted to, etc. Make it sound casual....why don't we hang out sometime? Something like that.

I hope this helps....

Just a big thanks for remembering the shy part and how it's not easy. I never like it when people just say "just ask" because they are the out going people. Thanks very much

Ravin

 

[SweetErika]

I think you should go on some casual dates with #2 and #3 (it sounds like #1 isn't all that interested). You said you didn't know 2 that well, so get to know her better, but tell her something like, "I'd like to get to know you better and develop a stronger friendship." so she knows it's not an exclusive thing.

If 3 agrees to go out with you, tell her the same thing as 2. At 19, you want to play the field a little, plus the more you practice dating, the less shy you'll become, and the more you'll learn about yourself. Look at all of this as developing friendships and practicing your social skills, and have fun!

 

[wicked woman]

I hear what you're saying but frankly I agree with the casual dating and no need to be exclusive. Go out. Have fun. Get to know them. What's the rush to being exclusive? Frankly I think it's unwise.

Good luck. Remember it's supposed to be fun.

 

[Kissophile]

Imagine this situation: You are travelling in a foreign country - one you have never visited before. Because you will be living in this new country for many years, you must learn what it's about and how to enjoy living there. At the end of your very first day exploring this strange new land, you walk into a room containing several tables. Each is covered by plates and bowls and platters of the most exotic and flavorful food. Because you have been wandering about the countryside all day, you're famished.

The aroma from a table along the east wall is savory and light. A table near the south wall seems to be dominated by sharp and exciting aromas. A table a few feet away from this one offers delicate and sweet aromas that barely catch the nose and yet hold your attention for a long time. You turn to a man who seems to be in charge of the room and ask him what you should choose. He says, "In this room there is one of every food we eat in this land. You may choose whatever you like."

Which do you choose? You are hungry and you are new to this land. For the next several years the foods in this room will be the foods that will nourish and please you. What do you do?

Do you walk about the room once, seize a single dish and then commit to eating only that food for the next several years? Or do you explore, tasting several of the dishes in turn to discover which ones touch your palate most pleasingly?

 

[Cathleen]

I am going to agree with the others about 'dating' each woman. What seems to me is that you have a nice ability to make friends, that is great. So why not keep things as they are but strengthen each friendship. Dating is about getting to know someone, so you have actually been doing that but more casually.

Perhaps it is the word 'dating' that is getting in your way here - go have fun with friends, see what develops. One concept I keep reminding myself of is 'I don't know what I don't know'...... so why not keep seeing your friends and see what is to come?

 

[Cathleen]

Imagine this situation: You are travelling in a foreign country - one you have never visited before. Because you will be living in this new country for many years, you must learn what it's about and how to enjoy living there. At the end of your very first day exploring this strange new land, you walk into a room containing several tables. Each is covered by plates and bowls and platters of the most exotic and flavorful food. Because you have been wandering about the countryside all day, you're famished.

The aroma from a table along the east wall is savory and light. A table near the south wall seems to be dominated by sharp and exciting aromas. A table a few feet away from this one offers delicate and sweet aromas that barely catch the nose and yet hold your attention for a long time. You turn to a man who seems to be in charge of the room and ask him what you should choose. He says, "In this room there is one of every food we eat in this land. You may choose whatever you like."

Which do you choose? You are hungry and you are new to this land. For the next several years the foods in this room will be the foods that will nourish and please you. What do you do?

Do you walk about the room once, seize a single dish and then commit to eating only that food for the next several years? Or do you explore, tasting several of the dishes in turn to discover which ones touch your palate most pleasingly?

Not only does this make me hurgry but touches my SF thank you very much!

Well done Kisso, that is a palatable analogy for me to understand, thank you.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

This has given me a lot to think about. And I think building a stronger friendship first would be best with all three, because even if I never "date" them, atleast I have some friends that know me, and I know them.

I'll keep people posted.



Ravin

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Imagine this situation: You are travelling in a foreign country - one you have never visited before. Because you will be living in this new country for many years, you must learn what it's about and how to enjoy living there. At the end of your very first day exploring this strange new land, you walk into a room containing several tables. Each is covered by plates and bowls and platters of the most exotic and flavorful food. Because you have been wandering about the countryside all day, you're famished.

The aroma from a table along the east wall is savory and light. A table near the south wall seems to be dominated by sharp and exciting aromas. A table a few feet away from this one offers delicate and sweet aromas that barely catch the nose and yet hold your attention for a long time. You turn to a man who seems to be in charge of the room and ask him what you should choose. He says, "In this room there is one of every food we eat in this land. You may choose whatever you like."

Which do you choose? You are hungry and you are new to this land. For the next several years the foods in this room will be the foods that will nourish and please you. What do you do?

Do you walk about the room once, seize a single dish and then commit to eating only that food for the next several years? Or do you explore, tasting several of the dishes in turn to discover which ones touch your palate most pleasingly?

Does this country have a good beer??

Oh wait...why would I want any other beer besides Canada's.



But I understand what you are saying.

Ravin

 

[nycphoto]

Your not going to go anywhere in life being fearfull all the time. To make it you have to pretend that you have it.
So if you pretend that you are the "man" girls will line up for you.
Get over your shyness by going after what you want. If you fail SO WHAT. There will be plenty of times to fail in your life, start now and get it over with. If you suceed so much the better.
Let me tell you something about life, even if you don't have a penny in your pocker and pretend that your a millinare that felling that you have will make people come up to you and be your friend.
You have to be carfull because they might not be true friends but when the same goes for women, just go ahead and be the "man". Pretend that you are you just sure of yourself and more sofiticated. When you have her be yourself.
This advice will get you laid many times over.