How to tell her

[RSplay]

Don't want to have sex with my wife anymore. The once every week or two just isn't worth the effort. Not saying I get no pleasure from it, it has just become a chore. My mind isn't there. It's not that I want to have sex with anyone else either. Just no longer interested. I don't even set aside time to masturbate. Couldn't be bothered. Might get around to it once every couple of months. She masturbates often. Enjoys it. Tells me about it. She'll come to the kitchen some mornings and say that she has already cum twice before getting out of bed. Nothing wrong with my hormone levels. The equipment works fine. I'm not depressed. How do I go about explaining to her because, the first words out of her mouth are going to be, "Is it me?"
It's not her. Our relationship is fine. I am still in awe of her beauty. Homelife couldn't be better. I love her with all my heart, and will until the day I die. Been together twelve years, married for ten, and it just keeps getting better.

 

[Ezzy]

9 times out of 10 there is going to be an underlying medical reason...you say everything is ok with you, but has that been checked and confirmed by a doctor?

 

[eudaemonia]

9 times out of 10 there is going to be an underlying medical reason...you say everything is ok with you, but has that been checked and confirmed by a doctor?

A doctor's diagnosis is only as good as the skill of the doctor's questioning and the client's explanation for seeking help, esp. during a 20-minute office call. It's not the be all and end all of evaluations.

The OP says nothing is wrong with his hormone levels, sexual functioning or mental health. Sometimes desire just goes. What he's asking for is communication help. While it's tempting to second-guess the poster's self-diagnosis, let's assume he's being straight with us and give him tips on how to have a hard talk with his mate.

That said, not having a mate I'm not sure that I'm much help, other than to say this: Your wife needs to know how you feel lest it wreck what's good about your life together. The sooner you sit her down in a calm, quiet, non-sexual setting and talk her, the better.

 

[cloudy]

I realize the OP says he's not depressed, but that's exactly what it sounds like.

RSplay: unless you have been to see a doctor, you really don't know whether you have clinical depression or not. I didn't think I was depressed, either. See a doctor.

 

[RSplay]

Thanks for the concern about depression. Quite sure I'm up on depression criteria. I am a medical provider and diagnose patients with it frequently. Hence, I'm also sure there is no physiological problem.

 

[beachgurl3]

what sort of response do you want from her?

 

[Elenia26]

And are you going to let her get her sexin' from elsewhere, or is she just supposed to kill her sex drive to match yours?

 

[FazilKotuk]

Don't want to have sex with my wife anymore. The once every week or two just isn't worth the effort. Not saying I get no pleasure from it, it has just become a chore. My mind isn't there. It's not that I want to have sex with anyone else either. Just no longer interested. I don't even set aside time to masturbate. Couldn't be bothered. Might get around to it once every couple of months. She masturbates often. Enjoys it. Tells me about it. She'll come to the kitchen some mornings and say that she has already cum twice before getting out of bed. Nothing wrong with my hormone levels. The equipment works fine. I'm not depressed. How do I go about explaining to her because, the first words out of her mouth are going to be, "Is it me?"
It's not her. Our relationship is fine. I am still in awe of her beauty. Homelife couldn't be better. I love her with all my heart, and will until the day I die. Been together twelve years, married for ten, and it just keeps getting better.

Clearly, something is wrong. At least check it out. For your own sake and your wife's. If your wife is that special, have you ever considered, well, I don't mean to be offensive or shocking here, as there is nothing wrong with this, except that you might be repressing, but maybe you're gay?

 

[DrHappy]

...Our relationship is fine...

I suspect that this could be a temporary situation if you tell her that you never want to have sex anymore with her. How important is this relationship to you? Are you willing to compromise?

 

[FazilKotuk]

I suspect that this could be a temporary situation if you tell her that you never want to have sex anymore with her. How important is this relationship to you? Are you willing to compromise?

Indeed. Neither husband nor wife signed up for celibacy. Nor is it right to ask them to be celibate after the fact.

 

[FurryFury]

what sort of response do you want from her?

It's not likely to be a good response if you tell her this.

I don't know of anyone who would take the, I'm not interested in sex with you anymore thing well no matter how it's put. Of course some might be relieved but from what you've said that won't be the case with her.

I think you need help of some sort.

Not worth the effort? WTF? This does not compute.

Seriously, please find out why you are too depressed, stressed, ill or whatever, to care anymore about sex with the wife you say you love and think is beautiful. Find out before it ruins your marriage. Then communicate that.

I wish you well.

 

[emap]

RSplay I am surprised at you, your a medical provider and you forgot the one thing all doctors and nurses are taught fromt he get go, DON'T TREAT FAMILY MEMBERS OR YOURSELF. As in get your stupid butt to a doctor that is not you.

No doctor can treat themselves or a family member because they will almost certainly overlook the minor signs, they will notice major things, broken bone ruptured spleen or whatnot, but a minor thing or something not obvious will blow right past them and they know this.

YOu love your wife think she is hot and don't want sex. OK honestly if there is actually nothing wrong with you you don't love your wife. Think about it this way, if you loved say fried chicken would you eat it as often as possible? Most people would say yes in a heartbeat, I have actually had men stop fucking me and look at the TV to see what theur favorite football team just did. See that is love, forgetting everything to focus on that one thing.

Which you are not doing, so either you are having problems you refuse to see, or you do not love your wife. Don't start in with I live with her and provide her with what she wants, so freaking what you do the same thing whether she is there or not anyway, you buy food, you get cable so on so forth. The true determiner of love is how often you have sex or at least want to. Since you don't want to and can, then you do not love your wife.

Course not loving your wife is assuming nothing is wrong with you. However, there is somethign wrong with you because your on here asking how to tell her you don't want sex. So hang your head between your knee's get a clue and see a freakin doctor.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

I don't want to sound too judgemental. I'm sorry if I do. It seems that my husband is just like you and now I'm here without his knowledge. I've asked him what was wrong and why he doesn't get help. He at least admits he might be depressed but has this anti-doctor/anti-medication crap going on. I have to get up the courage to try to give him an ultimatum (which I would hate and have no respect for him if I had to), cheat, or leave. So I would suggest at least seeing a doctor and talk to her before she ends up looking elsewhere.

Ivy

 

[Mr.G]

Get HELP

""It's not her. Our relationship is fine. I am still in awe of her beauty. Home life couldn't be better. I love her with all my heart, and will until the day I die. Been together twelve years, married for ten, and it just keeps getting better.""

So you admit it is YOU with the problem. She hasn't turned into a ditch pig through the 12 yrs of your marriage and you say you still love her. I was with my wife for 21 yrs and the "it just keeps getting better" for me INCLUDED sex - daily. THAT just kept getting better too.

Have you tried taking testosterone supplements or even Ginseng to boost your sex drive? If you love her, still fiond her beautiful it is just NOT natural to only want sex once a week - unless you're in your 80's or 90's. Not wanting the "hassle" of sex at all is just wrong dude. Something in your bod has turned off or just isn't working right. Glandular? Psychological? Have YOU gained too much weight?

Has your wife mentioned anything? Complained? Tried to initiate sex with you and been turned down?

If you want the marrigage to continue I would suggest the idiotic self-diagnosis stuff you've been deluded yourself with, get some professional help - maybe some hormone therapy and try and save your marriage.

 

[subwannabe]

At first I was thinking your post is something I would have written about my life situation. But, after continueing to read, I hate to say this, but , I think maybe the problem is you, not her. If she enjoys cumming twice and telling you about it, maybe she isn't enjoying sex with you so she is doing it on her own, and having sex with you infrequently. I think you are going down the wrong road by just telling her you don't want to have sex anymore. That road may have a fork in it, which doesn't include you. Maybe both of you could go to a professional or at least talk and find out why she would rather do it with herself rather than do it with you. This road could lead to both of you being happy.

 

[simplegirl]

RSPlay, please see a doctor. You don't mention your age, but could Andropause be a possibility? Thyroid issues? Diabetes? Blood Pressure? A host of things can play havoc with your libido. You say you don't want sex anymore but what about other intimacies, such as kissing, snuggling, petting? Or are you uninterested in ANY physical intimacy?

Have you started taking any new medication? Working in the health field, you know that many meds can also have a devastating effect on libido.

You owe it to yourself and your wife to check out those possibilities.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Mazuri]

I won't repeat what the others have stated concerning your health and seeing a doctor, but from a woman's point of view there is NO way you can tell her you never want to have sex again without devastating her as well as destroying your relationship. There simply is no way she will not feel rejected, ugly, unwanted, unloved, etc...

If you value your marriage, you'll find a way to rekindle those feelings, allow her the freedom to look elsewhere for her emotional/sexual satisfaction, or simply begin divorce proceedings without mentioning the sexual issues. It'd be far less painful (to me, anyway) to believe my husband was having an affair and wanted out of the marriage than for him to tell me I'd put him off sex forever (and regardless of how it was worded, that's how I'd take it).

 

[SilentMale]

Thanks for the concern about depression. Quite sure I'm up on depression criteria. I am a medical provider and diagnose patients with it frequently. Hence, I'm also sure there is no physiological problem.

Perhaps the day to day stress in your practice is starting to take its toll. Could you possibly find more time to relax, take vacations and just put your practice aside while you unstress yourself?

You didn't mention your age, thoughts on sexual preferences, how much time you actually spend with your wife or many other factors that could contribute to your dilemma. Intellectually, do you and your wife communicate on the same level, in your opinion?

You probably aren't depressed, but something in your daily life is suppressing your need or desire for sex with your wife.

 

[FurryFury]

Don't want to have sex with my wife anymore. The once every week or two just isn't worth the effort. Not saying I get no pleasure from it, it has just become a chore. My mind isn't there. It's not that I want to have sex with anyone else either. Just no longer interested. I don't even set aside time to masturbate. Couldn't be bothered. Might get around to it once every couple of months. She masturbates often. Enjoys it. Tells me about it. She'll come to the kitchen some mornings and say that she has already cum twice before getting out of bed. Nothing wrong with my hormone levels. The equipment works fine. I'm not depressed. How do I go about explaining to her because, the first words out of her mouth are going to be, "Is it me?"
It's not her. Our relationship is fine. I am still in awe of her beauty. Homelife couldn't be better. I love her with all my heart, and will until the day I die. Been together twelve years, married for ten, and it just keeps getting better.

What kind of sex and frequency would be worth the effort?

When you figure out your solution, please let us know?

 

[FazilKotuk]

What kind of sex and frequency would be worth the effort?

When you figure out your solution, please let us know?

Didn't notice that until just now. It could be a classic case of giving up. Many men do this when spurned enough times. After all, it's just as wrong to expect men to do without sex as it is to expect women to do so.

 

[subwannabe]

I don't think this is the typical situation of the wife with a low sex drive not giving her husband enough sex. She is apparently getting plenty of orgasms, just not with him. This tells me she is very interested in sex but that there is something wrong on his side. Once he figures out what this is, the problem could be solved.

 

[FurryFury]

It may be that he wants something he has been trying to deny to himself. It also may be that he assumes that his wife won't be willing to do, is not equipped, or won't "allow" him to do, whatever that is.

I have no idea really. I'm just pointing out some possibilities.

 

[RSplay]

Well, let me start off by thanking those that provided an offer of insight to the problem. I believe you. I will make an appointment to see a friend of mine. I will also sit down with my wife and discuss my current feelings and worries about it affecting our relationship and how we can work to make things better and hopefully get me past this hurdle.
To the rest, who feel it necessary to bring to my attention that I am the one with a problem, that I must be wacko, that I might be a homosexual, or that I need to get a divorce, I thank you as well. You have just reinforced some of my frustration in reading about others' problems on this board. It's amusing how a group of adults on a sex oriented web forum cannot fathom that someone may be disinterested in things sexual, even go so far as to consider it a complete incomprehensible aberration. The fact that I come here does not preclude that I am a sex crazed, manly man looking to get my rocks off with whatever animal, vegetable or mineral I can get my hands on or my dick to fit into. I am glad that the rest of your lives are a constant source of sexual bliss.

 

[FazilKotuk]

Well, let me start off by thanking those that provided an offer of insight to the problem. I believe you. I will make an appointment to see a friend of mine. I will also sit down with my wife and discuss my current feelings and worries about it affecting our relationship and how we can work to make things better and hopefully get me past this hurdle.
To the rest, who feel it necessary to bring to my attention that I am the one with a problem, that I must be wacko, that I might be a homosexual, or that I need to get a divorce, I thank you as well. You have just reinforced some of my frustration in reading about others' problems on this board. It's amusing how a group of adults on a sex oriented web forum cannot fathom that someone may be disinterested in things sexual, even go so far as to consider it a complete incomprehensible aberration. The fact that I come here does not preclude that I am a sex crazed, manly man looking to get my rocks off with whatever animal, vegetable or mineral I can get my hands on or my dick to fit into. I am glad that the rest of your lives are a constant source of sexual bliss.

Just trying to consider all of the possibilities. Can't rule anything out. Never said that you were gay. But there are tons of people who are married and think that they are straight, but aren't. So it has to be raised as one of a myrid of possible explanations. Perhaps there is just some resentment toward her that you're not mentioning. Maybe over past rejection for sex or the lack of frequency. Again, neither men nor women sign up for celibacy.

I'm just saying find out. Look into all possible angles. Don't rule anything out for sure, until you know that it can be ruled out. Many men give up on sex, too, after repeated rejection. Then when the wife wonders why they don't seem interested in sex, she is shocked to find this out. That could be it. Many women are stunned that a man doesn't want to jump through hoops and grovel just to get laid.

Now, mind you, many women don't ask this of men. I don't want you thinking that I'm stereotyping women. And some men do this, too. But it is one more possible angle to be considered.

 

[FurryFury]

Well, let me start off by thanking those that provided an offer of insight to the problem. I believe you. I will make an appointment to see a friend of mine.

I will also sit down with my wife and discuss my current feelings and worries about it affecting our relationship and how we can work to make things better and hopefully get me past this hurdle.

To the rest, who feel it necessary to bring to my attention that I am the one with a problem, that I must be wacko, that I might be a homosexual,
or that I need to get a divorce, I thank you as well.

You have just reinforced some of my frustration in reading about others' problems on this board. It's amusing how a group of adults on a sex oriented web forum cannot fathom that someone may be disinterested in things sexual, even go so far as to consider it a complete incomprehensible aberration.

The fact that I come here does not preclude that I am a sex crazed, manly man looking to get my rocks off with whatever animal, vegetable or mineral I can get my hands on or my dick to fit into. I am glad that the rest of your lives are a constant source of sexual bliss.

Glad to see you came back and posted.

Making an appointment is a good first step.

Discussing things with your wife may not be unless you are very careful with your wording. It is possible that you just want to get this off your chest.

Still saying "I have no desire to have sex with you" will hurt her. I have a friend who's husband just had to tell he he didn't love her and hadn't in some time before he walked out. Three days later he came back with his tail between his legs but those words can't be erased nor can the pain it caused her. So, all that to say, there are ways to discuss things and ways.

Personally I might wait until I had seen a doctor or figured out why I have no sexual desire. I might wait until I had a plan to improve things. A plan that required my partners help.

Now as to you having a problem or not. Clearly you have a conflict between what you want your life to be like and how you are feeling or you wouldn't have asked the questions you did here.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being homosexual. I'm not saying that you are mind you. I'm just saying that if there is something sexual you want that she can't or won't provide you need to figure that out and acknowledge it to yourself.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting more frequent, rougher or different sex of whatever kind.

However the lack of a sex drive is not normal in most human beings. It is likely to damage your relationship even if you don't talk to her about it, depending on the length and severity, of the lack of desire.

It could be that you are too stressed with other things but is it normal or healthy? I sincerely don't think so.

I think you know that our sex lives are not a constant state of bliss. We are all only human. We have our ups and downs. At least I know I do.

I must say I don't believe you are a sex crazed dude looking to fit your dick into animals and food items. That's because you said you don't desire sex right now but hey, each to their own.

*chuckles*