How to turn on hubby

[ToddsGirlPatti]

Hi there... I am new to the discussion boards, but saw everyone asks just about anything... so here goes...

DH and I have been married for 5+ years. We have only been with each other, not by choice, but by circumstance. When we first started dating we had sex right away, and I mean like 2nd real date... we were friend first before dating as part of the same group...

Sex was really intense and we would do it anywhere, no questions... BJ's, licking, standing, shower, Statue of Liberty, anal... we tried some different things than just the norm... It was exciting and we had sex a lot. Then we started hanging out with some friends who were sexual as well... though we never did anything with anyone other than our partner, we would have sex in the same room, or the girls would compete in bj's... it was exciting...

Something changed, not sure what, but something...Our friends got married, we stopped hanging out with them so much... It was just strange. We just stopped being so interested in sex.

I masterbate, but dh doesn't like it... but I need to. I need the pleasure more often than he provides. I am currently 5 months pregnant and need it more now than ever! I am just really horny.

Yesterday i talked to him about it, let him know that he makes me feel ashamed for masterbating. He doesn't like porns or sexual toys, stories, mags, nothing. I told him that I need the stimulation. I would watch whatever he was interested in, I don't care what it is... he can't shock me. He said that he doesn't understand why i won't come to him for sex... I tired to tell him that it is different when we have sex than when I have a clitoral orgasam.

Anyways... my reason for posting is that I need to know how to get him more into the mood. I am thinking, actually I know, I don't know how to start things. I don't know how to get him to know that I want it, and now! I don't know where to touch, what to kiss, what to say even... I just need some ideas to spice things up again.

Well, for now I have bought two new toys, something I have never owned before... and they are great, but I feel so terrified that he will find them.

Any help is greatly appreciated.

Thanks

 

[SweetErika]

Hi there... I am new to the discussion boards, but saw everyone asks just about anything... so here goes...

Welcome! You're right, just about anything goes, and it's a great place for info, advice, support, and questions like yours. If you haven't already, you might want to check out The Blank Manual sticky at the top of this forum because it's packed with great info on just about everything.

DH and I have been married for 5+ years. We have only been with each other, not by choice, but by circumstance. When we first started dating we had sex right away, and I mean like 2nd real date... we were friend first before dating as part of the same group...

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by the bold statement. Is it a problem for you...do you feel like you both missed out on getting experience with others?

Something changed, not sure what, but something...Our friends got married, we stopped hanging out with them so much... It was just strange. We just stopped being so interested in sex.

I think a lot of relationships kind of get into a rut or change like that. Ours has at different times, and we talked about it, put in more effort to make time for eachother and try new things, and came out of it.

I masterbate, but dh doesn't like it... but I need to. I need the pleasure more often than he provides. I am currently 5 months pregnant and need it more now than ever! I am just really horny.

Do you know why he doesn't like it? Did he always have a problem with it? Is it possible he feels like he's being replaced? Have you tried inviting him to join you? Has there been a change in his attitude with the pregnancy?

Yesterday i talked to him about it, let him know that he makes me feel ashamed for masterbating. He doesn't like porns or sexual toys, stories, mags, nothing. I told him that I need the stimulation. I would watch whatever he was interested in, I don't care what it is... he can't shock me. He said that he doesn't understand why i won't come to him for sex... I tired to tell him that it is different when we have sex than when I have a clitoral orgasam.

I'm curious...why aren't you two working on clitoral orgasms DURING or as a part of sex? Again, has he ever liked porn, toys, mags, etc.? What's his reasoning for not liking them? What did he say when you told him you feel ashamed of masturbating? Does he feel neglected?

Anyways... my reason for posting is that I need to know how to get him more into the mood. I am thinking, actually I know, I don't know how to start things. I don't know how to get him to know that I want it, and now! I don't know where to touch, what to kiss, what to say even... I just need some ideas to spice things up again.

With all due respect, it doesn't sound like getting him in the mood is the problem at all here. It sounds like he's willing to have sex, and looking into his eyes lustfully and saying, "I want you NOW!" would let him know you wanted it. The issue isn't pleasing HIM, it's coming together to eliminate problems (like you feeling guilty and him being resentful about toys and masturbation) and working to find things that will please BOTH of you.

Have you asked him how he perceives your sex life now? Is he happy with the frequency and your activities? Did he enjoy how things used to be...does he want to get that back?

Well, for now I have bought two new toys, something I have never owned before... and they are great, but I feel so terrified that he will find them.

I believe when there is such shame and secrecy, it's nearly impossible to have a healthy, satisfying sex life. So, I think your first priority should be working out these issues, in counseling if need be.

 

[Eilan]

Welcome to Lit and congrats on the baby!

Others may not share my opinion, but I'm a firm believer that issues outside the bedroom lead to issues inside the bedroom.

Is this your first child? Pregnancy is a huge stressor, and it affects every woman's sex drive differently. Maybe things will change for you in the third trimester, maybe not. Perhaps your husband has concerns about finances, fatherhood, etc. that he's not sharing with you.

Does your husband masturbate? I get really pissed off by men who freely admit to masturbation but don't like it when their partners do. There's this "You-don't need-to-masturbate-because-you-have-my-cock-to-keep-you-satisfied" attitude that's just ridiculously self-centered. There's absolutely nothing wrong with men OR women masturbating as a supplement to sex. Double standards suck, and your husband is just being flat-out unreasonable. You shouldn't have to be afraid to buy and use your toys. It's HIS problem, not yours.

Keep the lines of communication open. That means that not only should BOTH of you be talking, but BOTH of you should actually LISTEN to what the other's saying.

Good luck.

 

[CorsetLvr]

It sounds like he has problems with his own feelings of sexual inadequacy. In other words, he feels threatened by your need for sex satisfaction other than with him.

To me it sounds like he needs to have his ego pumped and you both need to work on your bedroom communication skills. He needs to be reassured that your need for masturbation has nothing to do with his skills in the bedroom.

 

[Mari J]

He said that he doesn't understand why i won't come to him for sex... I tired to tell him that it is different when we have sex than when I have a clitoral orgasam.

Go to him for sex that includes clitoral stimulation. Teach him. It'll be new and involving, and could bring the two of you together.


I believe, however, that this is really about the pregnancy. It's a stressful time. You both need to change almost every aspect of your life, including sex, and you need to work it out together. Parenthood can be about togetherness. Start now.

 

[ToddsGirlPatti]

Thanks for all of the feedback! I am going to take your comments and think about it...

I think that both of us have just spent so much time on other things and ignored our relationship. I emailed him today, because he has an issue with face to face... I didn't do any finger pointing or "you" statements, just focused on how I am feeling and what I hope for him and us.

He wrote back, said he didn't realize that I wanted it more, even though I had said, numerous times, "Hunny, I want sex, now!"

I asked him about the toys and what he thought of them, he said that he needs to learn that they are not to replace him. Then I wrote back and said that the toys would be even better if he was a part of the fun!

We are going to work on it. It is #1 home priority right now for me.

I do see a therapist and I talked to her about it today... it was helpful. I usually see her once a month, i am going back next week because I feel I need it... I need to explore what I am feeling and get a differnt point of view about it all. I don't want our lives to go from just us to instant family and no time for us.

Thanks again... i really appreciate your insites!

Sweet Erika: 1) I regret not experiencing more people in my life. I feel like I am missing out and sometimes fantasize just about being with someone else, not really a person specifically, just another. 2) When I asked him today about masterbation, he did think it was to replace him, but I have begged him to join me. I explained to him that it would be so much better with him in the mix. Today i told him that women have two types of stimulation and I think he finally got it. We will just have to learn together. 3) he had mags as a teen, but since we have been together, and I like porn and mags, or whatever, he seems turned off by them. Here I thought it would get him more in the mood. I will talk to him about this topic more to see what does turn him on because I want to please him. As for why we don't do clitoral stim during sex... not sure, he pulls my hand away. I don't think he understands how woman are made and how we feel... i will show him 4) I am going to talk to him about his feelings more in depth and see how he feels about our sex life now and before. Thanks so much for the in depth reply, it is greatly appreciated!!! Gave me a lot to think about and many more things to talk to him about and ask!

 

[TBKahuna123]

OK Ready for a guy's persepctive? The problem here is his. Now, I said it that bluntly on purpose, not to ridule him, but to hopefully make you a bit defensive of your hubby. Why? Because that's how he feels: defensive. You're righta bout at that point, 5 years in, when you start to realize that things have changed. It's nto something that happened over night, you just realized it over night. The great thing is these issues are nothing that a little communication won't fix.

So he never stimulates your clit during sex? That's either because he doesn't understand the difference (which you stated I believe) or else he thinks his cock should be enough for you. Well, unless you are part of that small percentage of women who can come from penetration alone, you need some additional stimulation. Make sure he realizes that this is NOT a defect in his equipment OR his technique(with his penetration that is), but it's just how women are built.

I must have said this everyday for a week, but I'll say it again. A good idea is to make this communication part of your foreplay. Ask each other questions about what you like, what would you do if, do you like it when. you can even disguise suggestions as questions, or prompt him to ask the question you want him to ask, to give him the answer you want him to know. I know, sounds like borderline manipulation, but not really. It's more being considereate of the other person's self esteem.

The masturbation thing is totally a sefl esteem issue. He thinks you don't need him, or that he isn't good enough. Hell, I had this conversation with my wife so she would understand that she was enough for me. Sometimes you gotta just take care of you, you know what I mean? A little alone time, a little fantasy is actually healthy, I think. It let's you explore fantasies and learn things about your body so you know what to communicate to your partner. I will say this though, one of the sexiest things I have ever seen is watching my wife masturbate. have you ever tried this? Masturbating in front of him and looking right in his eyes as you cum? Hmm... Beautiful.

I don't think this is totally about the pregnancy, because it sounds like this has been going on before you got pregnant, correct? And I don't think he's necessarily being self-centered, it sounds to me like he may genuinely not know what you want. If you are both inexperienced except with each other, then you need to expand your sexual knowledge. I will say this, and this is only my opinion, but sex with other people is over rated. I firmly believe that if you find someone compatible, someone who is willing to communicate with you about sex, then that is the best you can find. Think of it as ordering a custom lover. If he's willing to listen to what you like and try what you want him to do, then you've got everything you want right there in one loving package. Or maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic.

One thing to remember, work up slowly. Don't get carried away and overwhelm him, throwing too much at him at once.I can't believe you got him talking about your problem in 1 HOUR! That has to be a record, and is a sure sign that he WANTS to solve this. If you came that far in one hour, no worries, it will all work out. So long as you keep talking about it.

 

[bush59]

I am a bit of a perv who visits this forum as bit of fun...unknown to the missus.I am not really a perv just a little reserved...too english....stiff uper lip etc.....perhaps there are probs but hey Im english.....


I cannot believe the good advice given on here....a little too way out for my liking....but good none the less.I masturebate ....she doesn't know....or maybe she does.
You masturbate and tell him?....in front of him?....you will work it out.

He is feeling the same as all us men....over whelmed...prudish in the presence of our childs mother......echoes of Madonna? the mother of christ not the singer...Pop star?
Dont pressure him...its his masculinity in question here....ease it on him ...be seductive....not overtly....maybe turn off the "demands" for a while ...give him space...****** to be in control again......he wants to be the "hunter"........topman....allow him to "think" he is just that...so ........its really your fault ........lol lol .......look up to him......or let him believe you look up to him....thats the trick.


Gonna masturbate right now ....who is gonna fix up my "problem"

 

[Private_Label]

Nobody has mentioned this, so I will... even if there was a problem before - you don't specifically mention it as a problem but as a rut you got into...

Hormones. Pregnancy makes your hormones do some crazy things. While it may hnot have made you more horny, it may have made you more sensitive to his past responses (i.e. upset that you masterbate). As was mentioned, the seed was already there, but the hormones are going to make anything and everything seem worse... which is why communication with your partner is so important.

Patti, I'm glad to see that you and your husband are able to talk (even thought it is IM/e-mail) in a manner that you can both remain calm while discussing this. I am even happier that your husband is willing to work out the issue to everyones mutual (and sexual) satisfaction. If you can talk about this, you can darn well near talk about anything with each other.

Congrats, on both the baby and the husband. I hope I have a husband one day who is as willing to work out problems as yours is.

 

[SweetErika]

I asked him about the toys and what he thought of them, he said that he needs to learn that they are not to replace him. Then I wrote back and said that the toys would be even better if he was a part of the fun!

It sounds like you're really on the right track, Patti...congratulations!

I considered buying toys about five years ago for a couple of reasons, one of which was trouble with stimulation and orgasm due to emotional problems and medication. The other was we were in a rut, and well, my hubby didn't really listen to feedback or have a ton of skills.

So, I told him I thought it'd be fun to try something new and it'd help with the physical problems. He agreed, but I think he felt a little insecure, like perhaps I would like the toys better than him. I just reassured him lots of times that I can masturbate with my hand anytime, but I didn't because HE was what made sex so wonderful and exciting to me, not toys or orgasms necessarily. When they arrived, we looked and explored them together...that made him feel included and like this was his thing too. A little ego stroking, and lots of positive reinforcement did the trick, and he quickly started enjoying using them as much as I did.

Sweet Erika: 1) I regret not experiencing more people in my life. I feel like I am missing out and sometimes fantasize just about being with someone else, not really a person specifically, just another.

I know that feeling. I think experience and variety is great, and feel fortunate to have that now, but I think TBK's right about having a "custom partner." Also, keep in mind that your sex life is what you two make of it, and it's probable things will start changing, and you'll basically end up with the experience and living your fantasies. Our sex life changed dramatically after over five years together...I never thought it would happen, but with time, communication, work, and motivation on both of our parts, we made it happen.

2) When I asked him today about masterbation, he did think it was to replace him, but I have begged him to join me. I explained to him that it would be so much better with him in the mix. Today i told him that women have two types of stimulation and I think he finally got it. We will just have to learn together.

I wasn't open with my husband about masturbation for YEARS because I was afraid he'd feel like he wasn't enough for me. A lot of times it wasn't even driven by my sex drive though...I enjoyed masturbation because it was special, private, quiet, a time just for ME. I definitely liked the physical aspect, but I loved slipping into fantasies, too. One day, I realized this, and just bit the bullet and explained that I did masturbate and why to my husband. I think he was shocked there was another reason besides physical release, but the explanation, with lots of reassurance that it had nothing to do with him, led him to encourage it from that day on. I'm not suggesting you make up reasons, but maybe some explanation and extra reassurance would help put his mind at ease.

As for why we don't do clitoral stim during sex... not sure, he pulls my hand away. I don't think he understands how woman are made and how we feel... i will show him

Huh. Or maybe he also thinks it's a sign of his inadequacy and goes along with the whole masturbation thing.

I also wonder if bringing him to these forums, or even talking about all of the ideas you see here (even the ones you think are "out there") might be helpful. When I started that, my husband saw there was a lot of variety, and even the acts he considered "weird" were downright normal compared to what many people do. It also reinforced that a varied sex life and things like masturbation and clit stim. are completely normal, healthy, and important in a relationship. The things I saw here helped me start conversations, and we were both able to learn and change our sexlife. It got both of our libidos going, and we started trying a bunch of new things. So maybe coming here together, looking through resources like The Blank Manual, and giving him a place to learn and ask questions anonymously if he has them could help you two as well. It's a thought.

Best of luck to you and Todd, Patti...it sounds like you have all of the ingredients (namely communication and love) to work it out, and hopefully you'll update us as things progress.