How would you guys write this?

[Kumquatqueen]

Given the context, and actually even beforehand, I'm not convinced 'affirming' is the right word here - it's too strong and legalistic to go with an 'uh-huh' sound. And 'uh-huh' is just a noise - does it merit being spelled out, or would description work better? Personally I think it's a pretty unattractive noise so I'd avoid it.

With the context, this is the boring middle of a fairly mundane conversation - though maybe the promise to 'bake you some, then' is the start of a realisation and a beautiful relationship?

I'd nuke the whole sentence and replace it with something like:

"You've never eaten catfish?"
"No." Her voice was soft, attractive.
"Really?"
"Really."
"I'll have to bake you some, then." I smiled as I made the offer, and even more when she smiled back, affirming her interest in the idea.

 

[sirhugs]

Given the context, and actually even beforehand, I'm not convinced 'affirming' is the right word here - it's too strong and legalistic to go with an 'uh-huh' sound. And 'uh-huh' is just a noise - does it merit being spelled out, or would description work better? Personally I think it's a pretty unattractive noise so I'd avoid it.

With the context, this is the boring middle of a fairly mundane conversation - though maybe the promise to 'bake you some, then' is the start of a realisation and a beautiful relationship?

I'd nuke the whole sentence and replace it with something like:

"You've never eaten catfish?"
"No." Her voice was soft, attractive.
"Really?"
"Really."
"I'll have to bake you some, then." I smiled as I made the offer, and even more when she smiled back, affirming her interest in the idea.

I like the alternate construction, but found the repeated "Really" jarring. Just my opinion.

 

[Andreas_Kreuz]

You'd try a kimchi pizza?
“Uh huh,” she let out. "So I'll have to bake you some then." I said.

So I go with the minimalists too.

 

[TheLobster]

You'd try a kimchi pizza?
“Uh huh,” she let out. "So I'll have to bake you some then." I said.

So I go with the minimalists too.

This is really confusing until you get to the second speech tag, because the usual convention makes you think she says both lines.

 

[Andreas_Kreuz]

This is really confusing

I thought it would be the kimchi pizza.

 

[BeechLeaf]

Efforts so far have tried to decide on her speech verb and whether her noise was speech. But we have a standard verb for uttered sounds that aren't speech:

She went "uh huh."

Three points, two of convention. It's just a noise indicator, like saying the machine went "ping", so I wouldn't use the introductory comma or the capital of an actual speech. Compare:

She went "uh huh."
She said, "Oh yeah."

And possibly I'd move the closing punctuation out, but this is not important:

She went "uh huh".

Third point: utterance 'go' doesn't support adverbs or other modifiers very well. Maybe she slowly went "uh huh", but I'd shift the description to beyond it:

She went "uh huh", slow and affirming.

And now we can link the other speech to it. There's no problem having two speakers in the same paragraph if the difference is clearly marked (and they're two quick utterances, not otherwise needing paragraphs):

She went "uh huh", slow and affirming, so I offered, "I'll have to bake you some then."

I wouldn't use the original linking 'and so', because I've just used an 'and', so plain 'so' does just as well. Elsewhere, there's nothing wrong with 'and so'.

 

[sirhugs]

I thought it would be the kimchi pizza.

sounds delish

 

[KittyOfSteele]

She let out a soft affirming, "Uh huh," and so I offered, "I'll have to bake you some then."

"Uh-huh."

"I'll have to bake you some then."

 

[TheLobster]

"Uh-huh."

"I'll have to bake you some then."

Yes, but have you considered we have word quotas to fill?

 

[KittyOfSteele]

Yes, but have you considered we have word quotas to fill?

My words have a price tag of two quarters each. I can't spend them on a dialogue where the context speaks louder than any words I could write! You're a lobster! You're expensive! I'm working on a budget here!

 

[SimonDoom]

Anyways, here's my offering if you guys are game for it:

She let out a soft affirming, "Uh huh," and so I offered, "I'll have to bake you some then."

I know it's bad, two people talking in the same sentence even, and I put an "and so" into the narrative.

It's hard to critique without more context. I don't know what "I" wants to bake.

When I see dialogue written this way I wonder why it shouldn't just be done the normal way, and how the author thinks the normal way is being improved upon.

"Uh huh" is an affirmation, so it's redundant to use the word "affirming." We know it's affirming. It doesn't need to be said.

Why place dialogue from two people on one line?

Why use the verb "offered"? Again, it is redundant of the dialogue itself. Obviously, it's an offer. There's no need to say it twice.

Why replace the obvious tag "said" with "she let out a soft affirming" when the latter takes more words to say the same thing and includes a redundant word?

Writing it this way suggests to me a lack of trust between the author and reader. The author feels the need to gild the lily, so to speak. To overwrite.

My version:

"Uh huh," she said.

"I'll have to bake you some then," I replied.


Keep it simple and economical.

 

[NuclearFairy]

Now you add context!

I thought it was some emotional moment in the story, since you had decided to share it. But the tone of the scene feels completely different with the context.

It, oddly is a bit of an emotional moment, because she hasn't had anyone cook for her in ages, and he doesn't often cook.