How would you guys write this?

[NuclearFairy]

I thought it might be nice to have a thread where we post a line, or a paragraph, maybe one we're proud of, maybe one we hate but can't figure out how to make it better, maybe something in between. And then have the masses poke at it, pull it apart and put it back together, hopefully while telling us why they put it back together that way.

Anyways, here's my offering if you guys are game for it:

She let out a soft affirming, "Uh huh," and so I offered, "I'll have to bake you some then."

I know it's bad, two people talking in the same sentence even, and I put an "and so" into the narrative.

 

[ChuckWolf]

As a reader, I don't mind two people talking in the same sentence, if it's clearly laid out like the example you provided.

I guess it depends on how the rest of the story is presented.

 

[EmilyMiller]

She let out a soft affirming, "Uh huh," and so I offered, "I'll have to bake you some then."

She almost sighed, “Uh huh,” her voice somehow soft yet still affirming.

“Well,” I replied, “I guess I’ll just have to bake you some then.”

 

[WCSGarland]

She let out a soft affirming, "Uh huh," and so I offered, "I'll have to bake you some then."

She let out a soft affirming, "Uh huh," leaving a pause that wanted filling. And so, I began to fill the gap, but she interrupted and said, "You'll have to bake me some then."

 

[AwkwardlySet]

"Uh huh..." she almost whispered. But the softness of her voice didn't make me doubt the affirmation.

"Then, I guess I'll have to bake you some..." I replied, my voice softening to match hers.

 

[Biggalute]

I thought it might be nice to have a thread where we post a line, or a paragraph, maybe one we're proud of, maybe one we hate but can't figure out how to make it better, maybe something in between. And then have the masses poke at it, pull it apart and put it back together, hopefully while telling us why they put it back together that way.

Anyways, here's my offering if you guys are game for it:

She let out a soft affirming, "Uh huh," and so I offered, "I'll have to bake you some then."

I know it's bad, two people talking in the same sentence even, and I put an "and so" into the narrative.

I have no problem with it, particularly if the rest of their speech is written similarly, it flows and reads ok.
If I was changing it.
Her, "uh huh" letting me know she liked it.
"I'll have to bake you some then."

 

[AG31]

I thought it might be nice to have a thread where we post a line, or a paragraph, maybe one we're proud of, maybe one we hate but can't figure out how to make it better, maybe something in between. And then have the masses poke at it, pull it apart and put it back together, hopefully while telling us why they put it back together that way.

Anyways, here's my offering if you guys are game for it:

She let out a soft affirming, "Uh huh," and so I offered, "I'll have to bake you some then."

I know it's bad, two people talking in the same sentence even, and I put an "and so" into the narrative.

Good idea for a thread. I'll keep my eye out for something to submit.

 

[XerXesXu]

No context!

She let out a soft, "Uh huh."

"I'll have to bake then."

 

[anthrodisiac]

She let out a soft affirming, "Uh huh," and so I offered, "I'll have to bake you some then."

Depends on emotion of the scene, yours could work, but unless there's a compelling reason to put them in the same line, I'd probably stick to a more standard format. More context would be helpful, like XerXesXu said, given the number of ways this could go.

She let out a soft, affirming, "Uh-huh(...)" (optional ellipses if it's drawn out or fades out)
[Some action/speech tag to indicate mood] "(Well,) I'll have to bake you some, then." (Optional "Well" to indicate some hesitation or fluster)

But if you want to keep it on the same line:
She let out a soft, affirming murmur, so I offered, "I'll have to bake you some, then."
This keeps two sets of interaction in the same sentence by elimating her dialogue and replacing it with a generic sound. Dialogue from two people in the same sentence or paragraphshould be an exception used very intentionally for some reason, and I'm not seeing a compelling reason here absent further context.

 

[NotWise]

She let out a soft affirming, "Uh huh," and so I offered, "I'll have to bake you some then."

I know it's bad, two people talking in the same sentence even, and I put an "and so" into the narrative.

My immediate (and momentary) question when I read this was, "Wasn't she baked enough already?"

You're using "some" as a pronoun, but I took it as an adverb modifying "bake."

 

[NuclearFairy]

Okay okay so some context. She mentions that she's never had catfish, he's surprised and voices it with a "Really?!", she confirms. He likes baked catfish better than fried, most restaurants fry it not bake it. Without putting much thought into it, he immediately offers to bake her some catfish.

 

[Britva415]

I, unlike most players, wouldn't add anything you didn't already have there - other than:

I'd add a fullstop and nuke the "and."

(In general, I'd replace most "ands" with fullstops.)

In this case, replacing the "and" with a fullstop doesn't bar you from still saying "So."

 

[MrHereWriting]

I thought it might be nice to have a thread where we post a line, or a paragraph, maybe one we're proud of, maybe one we hate but can't figure out how to make it better, maybe something in between. And then have the masses poke at it, pull it apart and put it back together, hopefully while telling us why they put it back together that way.

Anyways, here's my offering if you guys are game for it:

She let out a soft affirming, "Uh huh," and so I offered, "I'll have to bake you some then."

I know it's bad, two people talking in the same sentence even, and I put an "and so" into the narrative.

The only way to improve it on an erotic site, that I can see, would be to rewrite it as:

"I want to suck your dick," she said, and so I took it out.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I thought it might be nice to have a thread where we post a line, or a paragraph, maybe one we're proud of, maybe one we hate but can't figure out how to make it better, maybe something in between. And then have the masses poke at it, pull it apart and put it back together, hopefully while telling us why they put it back together that way.

Anyways, here's my offering if you guys are game for it:

She let out a soft affirming, "Uh huh," and so I offered, "I'll have to bake you some then."

I know it's bad, two people talking in the same sentence even, and I put an "and so" into the narrative.

It's hard to evaluate one sentence in isolation, even with the additional context you've proved above.

But I would be looking at what's outside the dialogue and questioning whether it's earning its keep. "Uh huh" is already a clearly affirmative response, and "I'll have to bake you some" is clearly an offer; flagging those statements as "affirmative" and "offered" feels superfluous. There's a time and place for that kind of belt-and-braces approach but it can make an intimate moment feel clunky if readers feel like you're telling them the same stuff twice.

 

[ElectricBlue]

"Uh huh," she replied.

"I'll have to bake you some," I said.

 

[SkyBubble]

I thought it might be nice to have a thread where we post a line, or a paragraph, maybe one we're proud of, maybe one we hate but can't figure out how to make it better, maybe something in between. And then have the masses poke at it, pull it apart and put it back together, hopefully while telling us why they put it back together that way.

Anyways, here's my offering if you guys are game for it:

She let out a soft affirming, "Uh huh," and so I offered, "I'll have to bake you some then."

I know it's bad, two people talking in the same sentence even, and I put an "and so" into the narrative.

New speaker, new paragraph, but you know that.

Try something like this:

"Uh huh," she sid softly.

"I'll have to bake you some, then," I said. (If you don't want to overuse said, use replied or responded.)

 

[WCSGarland]

She let out a soft affirming, "Uh huh," and so I offered, "I'll have to bake you some then."

She let out a soft affirming, "Uh huh," and it was so tentative that the catfish would have spit out the hook before it was set, so I yanked harder on the line, enough to set the hook... "If you strip for me, I'll bake you some."

 

[Actingup]

"Uh huh," she moaned, as my 12 inch monster slammed into her foot-long love tunnel, and that was all she could say for a while as the passion between us built to a slippery, scintillating, scorching climax, our worlds exploding into trillions of fragments of incandescent bliss, flaring and glittering across the torchlit courtyard and disappearing into the night.

“Well,” I finally replied, “I’ll have to bake some for you”

 

[TheLobster]

Use single quotes around 'uh-huh', so that you're not quoting it as a dialogue but referencing it as a sound. Or use italics, or even no special marking at all.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Use single quotes around 'uh-huh', so that you're not quoting it as a dialogue but referencing it as a sound. Or use italics, or even no special marking at all.

Huh? It's a vocalisation, so it's part of the dialogue. Why would you handle it as something else?

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Now you add context!

I thought it was some emotional moment in the story, since you had decided to share it. But the tone of the scene feels completely different with the context.

 

[TheLobster]

Huh? It's a vocalisation, so it's part of the dialogue. Why would you handle it as something else?

Why not? I sometimes use it even with actual word phrases, like:

"Here you go." She mumbled a thank-you before sheepishly taking the glass. "Bottoms up!"

It helps keep the text vertically compact and flowing, which is especially useful on Lit where the inter-paragraph margins are so wide.

 

[sirhugs]

Okay okay so some context. She mentions that she's never had catfish, he's surprised and voices it with a "Really?!", she confirms. He likes baked catfish better than fried, most restaurants fry it not bake it. Without putting much thought into it, he immediately offers to bake her some catfish.

who is catfishing whom?

 

[Seurat]

As a reader? New speaker, new paragraph.

As a writer? I'd split it into two paragraphs, add another hundred words of description, shelve it, forget where I was going with the storylline, and never publish it.

 

[sirhugs]

As a reader? New speaker, new paragraph.

As a writer? I'd split it into two paragraphs, add another hundred words of description, shelve it, forget where I was going with the storylline, and never publish it.

It's in the cloud, visiting all my misplaced scraps and false starts.
there's where it was going...