i can't get over her

[hockeyfan04]

Note: I posted a very similar thread about six months ago, but I need further advice.

A couple of years ago on a trip to San Francisco I met and fell in love with a friend of mine named Christine. She and I dated for over 11 months. There were some rough times in there, but never did I stop loving her. It's been almost a year now since we broke up and I still feel hurt from it. I have just entered college and I'm having a great time. I've already hooked up with 2 different girls (just to 3rd base) but neither of them have been able to put an end to my misery. If I wanted I could date either of them, but ever since Christine I haven't been emotionally attracted to anyone. Why can't I move on? Why can't I finally get on with my life and meet someone better? Even now I learn new things about her that make me hate her more and more, but for some reason I am unable to. I want so badly to hate her, to not even care about her. But even now, almost a year later, I still look up her literotica name for posts, look at her profile on aim, and stare at the pictures of me and her together, just so I can get back a part of the blind happiness I had with her. I want to move on, and many of you responded to my post about this last time, but nothing has changed. Your stories did touch my heart, but did not change my feelings about her. I want to have a good time in college. I want to be emotionally free, but I'm not. I need help.

-Brian

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by hockeyfan04
Note: I posted a very similar thread about six months ago, but I need further advice.

A couple of years ago on a trip to San Francisco I met and fell in love with a friend of mine named Christine. She and I dated for over 11 months. There were some rough times in there, but never did I stop loving her. It's been almost a year now since we broke up and I still feel hurt from it. I have just entered college and I'm having a great time. I've already hooked up with 2 different girls (just to 3rd base) but neither of them have been able to put an end to my misery. If I wanted I could date either of them, but ever since Christine I haven't been emotionally attracted to anyone. Why can't I move on? Why can't I finally get on with my life and meet someone better? Even now I learn new things about her that make me hate her more and more, but for some reason I am unable to. I want so badly to hate her, to not even care about her. But even now, almost a year later, I still look up her literotica name for posts, look at her profile on aim, and stare at the pictures of me and her together, just so I can get back a part of the blind happiness I had with her. I want to move on, and many of you responded to my post about this last time, but nothing has changed. Your stories did touch my heart, but did not change my feelings about her. I want to have a good time in college. I want to be emotionally free, but I'm not. I need help.

-Brian

Well for starters stop doing this:

But even now, almost a year later, I still look up her literotica name for posts, look at her profile on aim, and stare at the pictures of me and her together,

Just stop it! How do you expect to forget her and move on if you're still living in the past?

You don't need to be going out with someone...college is to open your minds in many ways...develop a group of friends...that includes women...do things with them...talk to them...be friends...no need to pair off...just explore ....change your attitude and goals...enjoy life as it presents itself...add to life...your society/community...think about others instead of yourself (I dont' mean this judgmentally)...volunteer...

Thousands of things you can do....you just need to do them...

Good luck...and trust me you're not the only one that's been where you are....but give yourself a soft kick in the ass

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Ah darlin' sappy as it sounds time DOES heal all wounds. Took me 3 years once to get over a guy once - and now that I look back at it I laugh that I was so hung up on him. I do agree - stop looking at her pictures. GIve yourself time to heal. Go out and have fun. And just remember - you've got to keep going forward..... there's no other option!

 

[ReadyOne]

I'm still hung up over my last gf, from 3+ years back. Never mind the fact I'm married now, it's proving impossible to get her completely erased.

So I just allocate her time. I "take her out of the box", get all sentimental, wallow in my sorrows, etc. Then I "put her away" until the next time.

The trick is to judge the times. I need to (using a metaphor) revisit her often enough so that she doesn't haunt me herself when I'm not able to have visitors. And when I do visit her, I stay long enough for a satisfiying time but leave as soon as I can get away.

And very occasionally, my spouse observes that I've left for a while, but she understands I'll be back as soon as I can.

 

[LadyJeanne]

That's rough, dearest, very rough. Best you can do is start thinking more about yourself - why are you in college? what do you want out of life? how do you want to live your life? what brings you joy? what are you passionate about?

You are so young and have so much to look forward to! Make some plans and follow your passions and you will end up replacing the hurt and longing and looking backward with something far more worthwhile and fun.

That's what I tell myself anyway.

 

[SweetErika]

I think the only way I've gotten over something like this is to think about it logically. When I answer questions like, "Why didn't it work out?," "Why wasn't he good for me?," "Why is my life better without this relationship?" and a few others, I see that no matter how long we could have stayed together, it never would have worked and I never would have been truly happy. In some time, he just faded to a memory. I look back on him and our time together fondly, but I also recognize the fact that it didn't work out for several good reasons. After several years, I still think of him once in awhile and wish I could go back in time, but I know he's just part of my past. He was a good addition to my life and taught me a lot, but I'm happy now because I've let him fade and moved on with my life.

It will probably always hurt a tiny bit, Brian. Basically, you have to grieve the loss and move on like everyone else has said. Embrace the idea that it WILL get better and you'll find happiness as soon as you start living in the present and for the future! Good luck to you!

 

[EJFan]

HF04...

i understand what you're saying. i had a relationship end about 6 years ago and it still haunts me. sometimes you'll hear a song or have a memory or see a movie or something that just reminds you of that other person. that experience you had with her is part of you and always will be... at least in the sense that it's helped to shape who you are today.

what i would suggest is to try to stop thinking of future relationships as "replacing" her. everyone is different and you can never replace someone who's no longer in your life (like they changed darrin's on "bewitched"). i think you have to try to look at things OUTSIDE the context of this former relationship. it's hard, but it has to be that way.

i've been through about a half dozen other girlfriends since then and they've all ended for one reason or another, but none have been because of any kind of comparison.

it isn't easy, but like everyone else has said, you just have to give it time.

 

[English Lady]

Brian....the thing is not everyone gets over a lost love in a set amount of time. For some it take hours, others days or weeks and then again there are people like you who take months and even years to get over a broken heart.

It will hurt less and less as you go on. You will never forget her, it is obvious she was very dear to you, but you will be able to remember her and not feel so much pain in the future. I cannot say when as there are no facts and figures to go on.

Until then you need to acknowledge what you feel and work through it. let yourself grieve because this is a grieving process.
Take your time and wallow now and then if you need to...but don't let it take over your life.

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

Brian -- It's OK that you're not over her. It's only been a year. You didn't fall in love over night, you're not going to get over her in an overnight fashion, either.

It's much easier said than done, when people tell you to just forget her and go to classes and have a good time at college. I know how you feel.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of an old boyfriend I had. We dated for close to four years, and even though everyone thought we'd marry, things did not go in that direction and yet that was 20+ years ago. We split up, I married another and he married another and still, I love him yet to this day. I'm sure I always will, but -- I know he's happy. (I'm friends with his wife) Ultimately, that is what I wanted for him -- To be happy.

Why would you want to forget about her? She was a very important part of your life. That's like negating the eleven months you were together. What you can't do is be emotionally crippled by this relationship. I don't think it's in your heart to hate her. I don't think you want to hate her.

Nothing we have to say should change your feelings about her. Only you have the power to do that. What I think is that you need to get some feelings out.

My advice to you is to write her a letter. You don't have to send it off. But just write her a letter, as if you were going to put it in an envelope, lick a stamp and send it to her.

Put down all your feelings, good and bad. The anger you feel towards her, the saddness of why your relationship ended and how it's made you feel and how you still feel today. Don't stop to think, just free-flow write and get all those pent-up feelings out.

It might take a few times to get all the words out, but eventually, you will, and as those words spill out on paper, those feelings you've harbored inside will eventually lessen also.

I wish you luck

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

Burn those pics come the waning moon and scatter the ashes to the wind.

(Yes, that's a pagan thing to do.)

 

[Lust Engine]

It's not going to come overnight.

It's almost like you're in mourning. In essence you are- you're mourning the loss of something you held very dear. It's not any different than if you had lost a grandparent or someone close. You'll never forget them but you will learn to live with the loss.

And as sappy as it may sound, only time will do it for you.

And the only way to pass that time is to be somewhat selfish to yourself. What a perfect opportunity to do those things YOU've always wanted to do. Take those silly chances now to indulge in yourself. Try something that you'll be able to look back at and marvel at your own courage.

Worst case scenario is you'll look back and be thankful you never have to do it again. Live your life a little by looking forward and not to the past.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Burn those pics come the waning moon and scatter the ashes to the wind.

(Yes, that's a pagan thing to do.)

Now I like that idea! A little ritual always makes things go easier.

 

[bytor2112]

you should call her up immediately....if you are still hung up on her go find her so you can make your life whole again...

don't listen to the other advice they only want you to remain as sad and lonely as they are...

if she is your "one" go get her...

 

[zhukov1943]

I feel for ya, man. I stuck my fucking head in a bottle of bourbon for the last year after my ex broke up with me.

Everything will get better eventually. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other for the time being.

 

[zhukov1943]

Oh, yeah - and don't listen to the Rush-loving dork "bytor" above. Running back to her and begging won't work - and will make you feel like an idiot for doing it.

 

[bytor2112]

Oh, yeah - and don't listen to the Rush-loving dork "bytor" above. Running back to her and begging won't work - and will make you feel like an idiot for doing it.

where did he say she would make him beg...maybe she still pines for him also...

great advice from someone who got drunk to cope...

 

[zhukov1943]

>>>maybe she still pines for him also...

No contact at all in 11 months, and she "pines for him"?

Doubtful...

I think you watch too many "romantic comedies".

 

[bytor2112]

>>>maybe she still pines for him also...

No contact at all in 11 months, and she "pines for him"?

Doubtful...

I think you watch too many "romantic comedies".

maybe she thinks he wants nothing to do with her...

and maybe you've had one too many fifths of bourbon to think straight...

 

[Honeysucklevine]

I'm still hung up over my last gf, from 3+ years back. Never mind the fact I'm married now, it's proving impossible to get her completely erased.

So I just allocate her time. I "take her out of the box", get all sentimental, wallow in my sorrows, etc. Then I "put her away" until the next time.

The trick is to judge the times. I need to (using a metaphor) revisit her often enough so that she doesn't haunt me herself when I'm not able to have visitors. And when I do visit her, I stay long enough for a satisfiying time but leave as soon as I can get away.

And very occasionally, my spouse observes that I've left for a while, but she understands I'll be back as soon as I can.

This man is right. Make a "I'll Never Love Again Box" with her pictures and music. Wallow in it and then put it away for a while. Try to make yourself laugh as if you are on the outside looking in. Try to laugh at yourself. Then do a total cleansing. No sex, no nothing. Delve deeply into your studies and start running 2-3 miles a day. Love will find you again but it could be years so you must learn who you are and build on that. Whatever you do, don't commit to someone because you're so happy to have "some" feelings once again. Those are your "transitional" girlfriends. Have a fling if you must but don't try to make it any more than that and make sure you tell the girl that it is what it is. Good Luck hon, my heart has been there!

 

[assister49]

In my experience, the more time that goes by after breaking up with someone who was a significant part of your life, the more you tend to forget the "bad" stuff and only remember the "good" stuff. While this can be good for healing - it also can lead to feelings of regret or questioning our motives as to why we broke up in the first place, and perhaps - should we get back together?

So focus on finding another great relationship, remember the good times occasionally but don't wallow so much that you get depressed, and know that good and bad experiences will always be a part of your life.

 

[Lust Engine]

>>>maybe she still pines for him also...

No contact at all in 11 months, and she "pines for him"?

Doubtful...

I think you watch too many "romantic comedies".

You guys broke up for a reason. Once you cross that line you can't ever go back.

Let some more time pass. If she really is the one, then re-discover her at a MUCH MUCH later date. Why rush back into it when you haven't healed? Why re-open all of those painful scars that you're JUST beginning to let heal now??

Take a time out from a relationship and dive into being you.

 

[Lust Engine]

you should call her up immediately....if you are still hung up on her go find her so you can make your life whole again...

don't listen to the other advice they only want you to remain as sad and lonely as they are...

if she is your "one" go get her...

And if she kicks your ass to the curb AGAIN, it's re-opening an old hurt that happened months ago. Give it some more time- what's to be accomplished now if BOTH of you guys are still emotionally hurt? You guys will just revisit all of those things that broke you up in the first place.

Give it some time.

As far as the rest of us wanting you to be sad... BULLSHIT! I just want you to realize you've still got some darn good things going about yourself and you deserve some happiness- it's not even about me when I give out this advice.

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

Give it some time.

As far as the rest of us wanting you to be sad... BULLSHIT! I just want you to realize you've still got some darn good things going about yourself and you deserve some happiness- it's not even about me when I give out this advice.

LE, you always know what to say.

 

[Guest]

If you REALLY want to get over her you need to do the following:

For starters you MUST stop looking at her profile, reading posts, looking at pictures of her, etc.

Delete and/or throw away (or at the very least lock up and put in the attic) any pictures or reminders of her that you have around. Everytime you see them you'll just think of her again, trust me, I know.

If you are still in any sort of contact with her, stop it. Some part of you thinks you may still get back together, not gonna happen so just end the contact.

Don't try and find a replacement for her, just enjoy life and you'll meet someone special that you will focus on and you'll forget about the old girl before you know it.

Not saying it's easy but don't put yourself in a position where you KNOW you won't get over her but looking her up all the time.

 

[hockeyfan04]

Thank you all for your advice. ALthough I agree with many of your words of wisdom, for some reason I am just completely unable to do what you say I should. I have tried to get rid of the pictures, but then I just go back and get them. I try to force myself to stop, but I just haven't been able to. On a somewhat related subject to this, I've been cutting myself for the past... uh.... probably 10 months. It's nothing serious, no real damage, not that much blood, and it heals pretty quickly, but I know I shouldn't be doing it. I just don't know how to stop any of this. My friends yell at me if they see it, but I just don't care. What should I do if I can't force myself to stop? To stop any of it?