I love My girlfriend

[odderotica]

and have often thought about makeing her my wife. There is one problem. Since im asking for help here, i bet you already know what the problem is.

Here is the sticking point. I like sex more than she does right now. And I like different sex than she does.

I want to be a careing and attentive lover. I want to touch her and find all her pleasure spots and drive her wild.

She wants me to stick it in, do the deed and then stop.

She does not enjoy me going down on her, and I love doing that.

She used to want sex all the time, before she met me I feel like a sad pathatic loser because of this.

She says she loves me, and sometimes i know she does, but other times..........I have my doubts. I love her more than i've ever loved a woman.

We've talked about it, and sometimes it gets better, sometimes worse. I've cried myself to sleep over this.

I don't expect answers, just advice.

it almost broke down a few weeks ago. In trying to find some answers i found several books about sexless couples, women that no longer desire sex, ect. I read them and then gave them to her. She won't read them!

She says she doesn't like reading and doesn't want to read about that anyway.

What can i do? If we break up, both of us will be heartbroken. If i stay, all i can do now is hope things get better, but i can't see marriage like this.

I want to spend my life with this woman, but she knew going into it how much sex is a part of my life.

I love her, and am afraid she will read this (she turned me onto Literotica) But i know what most of my "RL" friends will say if i bring this up.

 

[SweetErika]

and have often thought about makeing her my wife. There is one problem. Since im asking for help here, i bet you already know what the problem is.

Here is the sticking point. I like sex more than she does right now. And I like different sex than she does.

I want to be a careing and attentive lover. I want to touch her and find all her pleasure spots and drive her wild.

She wants me to stick it in, do the deed and then stop.

She does not enjoy me going down on her, and I love doing that.

She used to want sex all the time, before she met me I feel like a sad pathatic loser because of this.

It doesn't sound like this has a lot to do with you, so I doubt you're a pathetic loser.

Was she having sex all of the time before she met you? Is it possible she had a traumatic experience? Did you two ever have a lot of sex? How long have you been together?

She says she loves me, and sometimes i know she does, but other times..........I have my doubts. I love her more than i've ever loved a woman.

It sounds like your equating sex with love. People can love eachother very much and not have sex, or vice versa. However, if you have any doubts, it's tainting your relationship, and you're headed for a breakup.

We've talked about it, and sometimes it gets better, sometimes worse. I've cried myself to sleep over this.

When you talk, what are her reasons for not wanting/having sex?

I don't expect answers, just advice.

it almost broke down a few weeks ago. In trying to find some answers i found several books about sexless couples, women that no longer desire sex, ect. I read them and then gave them to her. She won't read them!

She says she doesn't like reading and doesn't want to read about that anyway.

I know you had the best intentions, but this was a bad move. It probably made her feel like you were attacking her and saying there's something wrong with her (which you were). It's sort of like handing a woman a gift certificate for the gym and saying, "here, go lose some weight for me." Yeah, not good. Next time, it'd be better to suggest you read and discuss a book on rekindling your sex life together.

What can i do? If we break up, both of us will be heartbroken. If i stay, all i can do now is hope things get better, but i can't see marriage like this.

I want to spend my life with this woman, but she knew going into it how much sex is a part of my life.

I love her, and am afraid she will read this (she turned me onto Literotica) But i know what most of my "RL" friends will say if i bring this up.

No, you certainly should not get married for a good long time. Even the best relationships are prone to sex problems. You need to work on this together, but that may be hard if she doesn't see a problem (which is a whole other can of worms because it indicates you don't share similar values and she's not concerned about your happiness). Otherwise, as much as it may hurt, you need to end this relationship. Be thankful you found out now and learned some valuable lessons about what you need to be happy in the future.

Good luck!

 

[English Lady]

Sweet Erika has given you some wonderful advice.

All I want to add (well reiterate really) is do not go on to make a bigger comitment until you've sorted this out. It is definitely an issue that is effecting your relationship and as such needs to be smoothed out.

try and speak to her, tell her how much you love and adore her, how much you want to make love to her long and passionately, let her know that you do really desire her. Above all make sure you constantly assure her that she is special to you....and go from there

 

[wicked woman]

Waiting for Bob to step up and tell you what you can expect if you marry this woman....and it's not a pretty sight.

If you love her and she you, get yourself to a counselor and get this resolved before you even consider marriage. If she's not willing to go....knowing how important sex is to you in a loving relationship...you've got your answer. Run.

Yes some people are happy when everything in a marriage works except sex....but frankly there are too many married people on Lit in sexless marriages....(or mismatched sex drive marriages)...and while some of them would probably marry their spouse again...the impression I get is that a majority of them wouldn't.

Bob..............................your turn

 

[Woodmiester]

I'm not Bob but here's another thought you better consider, she's fucking someone else and while that might not be the PC thing to say yo'd be wise not to ignore the possibility.
Bottom line is if this has become enough of an issue that your seeking real life advice from Lit, I'd think you have your answer now anyway. Some really nice, good and smart folks around here but I sure as hell wouldn't make a life choice from advice I got here.

 

[Neya]

Also, how long has this lack of sex been going on? If she used to like sex alot like you say then it could be either a traumatic expirience like Erika mentioned, although if its only been afew months she could be in a rut.

I went into a deep rut for several months partway into my relationship with my boyfriend. I wasnt interested in sex at all with anyone, however I did masturbate quite a bit. I'm not sure what exactly the problem was, but my boyfriend probably said 1,000,000 things trying to help that only made the problem worse by making me feel like it was my fault. However this wasnt his intention at all, just the way I percieved it. It wasnt ntil we started working together and really talking about it that the fire re-lit and now I would say my sex drive is in overdrive and he cant keep up with me. .Doh but it works

Good luck with it all.

 

[TempWife]

Why knowingly enter into a permanent relationship where you are not compatible in a very major area?

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Good for you to question these differences NOW - rather than waiting until after you're married. You should take a few minutes to read/search what's already been said about this very prevelent problem. There's quite a bit right here on the How To board about it.

But in the end - if you are not happy now there's not much hope you will be very happy 3 years from now. Think.

 

[zhukov1943]

Yeah - I've never heard anyone say that they started having MORE sex after they got married...

Can you do without the lovin'? Some can - some can't...

 

[Bobmi357]

I want to spend my life with this woman, but she knew going into it how much sex is a part of my life.

I love her, and am afraid she will read this (she turned me onto Literotica) But i know what most of my "RL" friends will say if i bring this up.

Oh Lord. If I knew then what I know now, I would have run from that altar and kept running in screaming terror.

I'm going to tell you where your going my friend, because I've been there, done that, have the battle scars to prove it.

You have a potential partner and a serious mismatch in libido. I had a partner and a serious mismatch in libido. You wander around the world wondering why even though you have a partner, someone that claims to love you and care about you, you still feel lonely and unloved. Depressed and unhappy when you should be walking on cloud nine. You wonder if everyone else is in the same boat or have you been singled out for this treatment, and ask "Why do I feel this way? Why can't I get anymore from life?".

Let me tell you what will happen if you marry this woman before you fix this problem. After you marry her, it will become harder to fix. The sex will diminish further and the feeling of lonliness and depression will increase. You'll feel rejected, isolated, alone. At first you'll be annoyed with her, you'll try talking, but those talks will become fights. Your feelings of annoyance will turn to anger, then to hate. Your depression will increase. You'll be tempted, solely tempted to violate your marriage vows and stray outside for the simple human touch you crave and deserve. Yes, EVERYONE deserves a loving touch from someone that cares for them.

Ultimately one day you will hit rock bottom, you'll look around bleaky and contemplate the rest of your life in this situation and will either consider suicide, or decide to eliminate what is causing your unhappiness. You see my friend, I've been there. I've walked in your shoes and when I hit rock bottom my health was flagging, my life consisted of work (70 hour work weeks) and I came home to a silent house to sleep. My spouse had locked herself in the kids room, sleeping on a mattress on the floor. If we were lucky, we had sex once a year, in the last three years, no sex, no hugs, no kisses, no gentle caress, nothing (which btw, is ground for divorce is all 50 states).

So I decided that I was going to make a change in my life, eliminate the source of so much unhappiness. Since prison didn't appeal to me, I couldn't kill her. But I could divorce her. When I told her I was leaving her and she'd better think about finding a job, her icey exterior finally cracked. She cried, wondering how I could be so cruel to the mother of my sons. She thought everything was hunky dory with our relationship. I didn't bother trying to explain my actions, it was not up for discussion. We had tried the councilor route years earlier and it hadn't worked.

You think you love this woman, but unless you resolve this problem you will not feel that way forever. The mismatch in libido and what she is doing to you mentally amount to a form of mental abuse. When I left my marriage I was convinced I was incapable of pleasing a woman. My wife had complained about everything from penis size to technique, and during our 12 years together, I cannot recall her ever having an orgasm. EVER!

When I met my second wife, I craved for human touch, someone to hold in the darkness of the night, someone to hold and be held. I learned that I could please a woman. My poor second wife had to deal with the emotional wreckage my first wife had created. She had to put up with the insecurity, put with the self doubt. That she did all that and helped me out of the hell of a poor self image is testimony to the fact that what I wanted in life was possible. There are people out there that are willing to love, and accept love in return.

In the great game of life, I found my get out of prison card and lucked out by finding someone I can truly call a soulmate. While I might have been more sexually experienced than she was, she taught me what real love was all about.

Please friend, read this post, take it as a warning. Take it as a message from your future self and either solve this problem or eliminate the source of your unhappiness! Show it to her. Talk about it, ask if you can truly reach a mutually satisfactory compromise. Tell her how she's making you feel. Tell her how much damage she's doing to your own self worth and to the relationship. If you get no satisfactory reply, no offer to work on it, followed up by sure signs she is working on it, RUN AWAY. BREAK IT OFF. DUMP HER. Do what ever it takes but get away from her before you end up visiting that hell.

 

[tbon45]

i know how you feel i have been married 9yrs and my wife is the same way.before we use to do it like jack rabbits and through the years and two kids later it hurry up and do it already. i have tryed to talk to her and she gets mad and says there is nothing wrong with her. its to the point now where i dont care anymore ive already been taken care of so i have been thinking about playing the field agian but i have my daughters to think about i just couldnt think about losing them. so just keep talking and try to find a way to got her to understand.

 

[dollface007]

If you have enough sense to ask this question, you probably already know the answer. I'd really like to be able to tell you that love is enough to keep you two people together, but it's just not. It's a very sad fact of life.

 

[SweetErika]

i know how you feel i have been married 9yrs and my wife is the same way.before we use to do it like jack rabbits and through the years and two kids later it hurry up and do it already. i have tryed to talk to her and she gets mad and says there is nothing wrong with her. its to the point now where i dont care anymore ive already been taken care of so i have been thinking about playing the field agian but i have my daughters to think about i just couldnt think about losing them. so just keep talking and try to find a way to got her to understand.

I bet most women in this kind of relationship understand that you want and need more sex perfectly well, so "trying to get her to understand" could be futile and often damaging. Concerns often come out as an accusations, hence the response, "there's nothing wrong with me," she feels attacked, and she shuts down. Perhaps a more cooperative approach such as asking her how you can better satisfy her needs (not sexual) or what you can do together to improve your friendship/relationship would work better.

At one point in our relationship, I didn't want sex at all. My husband never said a word, and I still felt horribly guilty about not satisfying his needs (I put more pressure on myself than anyone could ever put on me). It could have broken us up, but we took the opportunity to strengthen our friendship, rekindle the romance, and found creative solutions together. It worked, and we have more and better sex now than we've ever had.

I'm not suggesting you shouldn't talk to your partner about this, or that it can always work out, but a different approach may be in order.

 

[odderotica]

Re: Re: I love My girlfriend

It doesn't sound like this has a lot to do with you, so I doubt you're a pathetic loser.

Was she having sex all of the time before she met you? Is it possible she had a traumatic experience? Did you two ever have a lot of sex? How long have you been together?



We have been together for a little les than a year now, at the begining, she had the higher sex drive. She has had some traumatic experinces, and most of those issuses have been resolved in her mind.

Reading these responses has given me a lot of hope, I wrote tis late at night, it just feels good to get it of my chest without "dumping" my insecurities on her. I dont see it as "her fault" or "my fault" I just want to compromise. Me never again enjoying sex is not a compromise.

It sounds like your equating sex with love. People can love eachother very much and not have sex, or vice versa. However, if you have any doubts, it's tainting your relationship, and you're headed for a breakup.


I do not feel i totaly equate love and sex, but I am a physical person as well as an emotional one. I crave her touch, and i feel bad when i dont get it, or when its given half heartedly.


When you talk, what are her reasons for not wanting/having sex?



She just no longer thinks about it as much as she used to, in fact she almost never thinks about it.


I know you had the best intentions, but this was a bad move. It probably made her feel like you were attacking her and saying there's something wrong with her (which you were). It's sort of like handing a woman a gift certificate for the gym and saying, "here, go lose some weight for me." Yeah, not good. Next time, it'd be better to suggest you read and discuss a book on rekindling your sex life together.



Thats how i meant it. I wanted to know more about what she was going thruogh, what she felt, so i got the boks and read them, i wanted her to read them so WE could disscus them.

I wanted her to understand MY feelings, that it is as unfair for me to expect her to have sex on demand as it is for her to expect me to become celibate.


No, you certainly should not get married for a good long time. Even the best relationships are prone to sex problems. You need to work on this together, but that may be hard if she doesn't see a problem (which is a whole other can of worms because it indicates you don't share similar values and she's not concerned about your happiness). Otherwise, as much as it may hurt, you need to end this relationship. Be thankful you found out now and learned some valuable lessons about what you need to be happy in the future.

Good luck!

I think she is concerened about my happiness, but it is very hard for me to express my saddness to her without makeing it seem as if im acuseing her of something. I love her and want to work this out. I'm a patiant guy, if this takes five or ten years to sort out, so be it.

Thank you all again for the advice and sympathy, i needed it

Now lets all talk about felatio

 

[odderotica]

Re: Re: I love My girlfriend

You have a potential partner and a serious mismatch in libido. I had a partner and a serious mismatch in libido. You wander around the world wondering why even though you have a partner, someone that claims to love you and care about you, you still feel lonely and unloved. Depressed and unhappy when you should be walking on cloud nine. You wonder if everyone else is in the same boat or have you been singled out for this treatment, and ask "Why do I feel this way? Why can't I get anymore from life?".

Let me tell you what will happen if you marry this woman before you fix this problem. After you marry her, it will become harder to fix. The sex will diminish further and the feeling of lonliness and depression will increase. You'll feel rejected, isolated, alone. At first you'll be annoyed with her, you'll try talking, but those talks will become fights. Your feelings of annoyance will turn to anger, then to hate. Your depression will increase. You'll be tempted, solely tempted to violate your marriage vows and stray outside for the simple human touch you crave and deserve. Yes, EVERYONE deserves a loving touch from someone that cares for them.

A lot to think about. I know marriage will not "solve" my problems. One of my really big fears is that I will sucumb to tempttation someday, and she will find out. It will desroy her and I do not want that to happen.

Well, not all endings are happy ones! But i am going to press forward and try and stay faithful and loyal.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[marge_w]

Re: Re: Re: I love My girlfriend

Originally posted by odderotica


We have been together for a little les than a year now, at the begining, she had the higher sex drive. She has had some traumatic experinces, and most of those issuses have been resolved in her mind.

Are you quite sure that those issues have been resolved? An old schoolfriend of mine was raped, afterwards she would quite happily screw anything in trousers UNTIL she got into a loving relationship, at that point her libido bombed.

Her feelings towards sex had become that it was all about power, the power of the rapist over her and her power over all the men chasing her, once she got into that relationship she could no longer equate sex with power but she couldnt accept sex with love either and as such she went off sex until a course of counciling helped her come to terms with things.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Re: Re: Re: I love My girlfriend

Originally posted by odderotica
She has had some traumatic experinces, and most of those issuses have been resolved in her mind.

Oh, that's presumptuous.

How old are you both? How old was she when the trauma occurred? You say EXPERIENCES.. there's more than one..

trust me. Trust me. I'm quite sure she's not over it. For the most part, it would seem that I'm over the traumatic experiences.. mine began at 15, and continued until I was 19. I've been fortunate enough to have found someone who loves me and has helped me through a great deal... and while most people are unaware that I've been through that stuff, and most people would doubt it if I told them.... it haunts me still. I have developed aspects of OCD and anxiety disorders, for which I am not on medication (they're not bad enough)... but they're there. It just... you can't say that she's over it.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Re: Re: Re: Re: I love My girlfriend

Originally posted by Ms_Lilith
Oh, that's presumptuous.

How old are you both? How old was she when the trauma occurred? You say EXPERIENCES.. there's more than one..

trust me. Trust me. I'm quite sure she's not over it. For the most part, it would seem that I'm over the traumatic experiences.. mine began at 15, and continued until I was 19. I've been fortunate enough to have found someone who loves me and has helped me through a great deal... and while most people are unaware that I've been through that stuff, and most people would doubt it if I told them.... it haunts me still. I have developed aspects of OCD and anxiety disorders, for which I am not on medication (they're not bad enough)... but they're there. It just... you can't say that she's over it.

Oh, and by the way. Resolving an issue in one's mind is easy. Logic will prevail and you can move on, mentally.

However, rape, and abuse, reach into the soul. And resolving an issue that marrs your soul... that's much different. It's much harder, much more lingering.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[wilaubry]

Dude, All I can say is go read just a few of the posts on these boards from guys (including me) who have been married 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 years or whatever and say "She used to like sex." "We only do it every 3, 4, 5 weeks." “I’ve been married 30 years and never had a blow job.” And on and on and on…

My 2 cents - no matter how much you love her, run, don't walk, run like hell! Stay friends if you want but run!! As also evidenced on these boards there are plenty of passionate, sensuous, downright horny women out there and I’m sure you can easily love one of them too. And they’ll be a whole lot more grateful for your love than your current “love” is.

and have often thought about makeing her my wife. There is one problem. Since im asking for help here, i bet you already know what the problem

 

[College_geek]

What a difficult situation. I would be afraid that, if you did marry her, as much as you love her, years down the road, sexual stress may occur and lead to affairs and problems and such. Compatibility on several levels, including a sexual one, I believe are necessary for a relationship to be successful. There are many ways to be intimate, but it should be enjoyable for both partners- one shouldn't feel bored or lacking.

Good luck.

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

Oh, that's presumptuous.

How old are you both? How old was she when the trauma occurred? You say EXPERIENCES.. there's more than one..

trust me. Trust me. I'm quite sure she's not over it. For the most part, it would seem that I'm over the traumatic experiences.. mine began at 15, and continued until I was 19. I've been fortunate enough to have found someone who loves me and has helped me through a great deal... and while most people are unaware that I've been through that stuff, and most people would doubt it if I told them.... it haunts me still. I have developed aspects of OCD and anxiety disorders, for which I am not on medication (they're not bad enough)... but they're there. It just... you can't say that she's over it.

I think when he said in her mind he meant that she believes they are resolved (whether they have been or not). At least thats what it sounded like he meant to me.

-Zergplex

 

[SweetErika]

Re: Re: Re: I love My girlfriend

We have been together for a little les than a year now, at the begining, she had the higher sex drive. She has had some traumatic experinces, and most of those issuses have been resolved in her mind.

As others have said, you are likely mistaken about those issues being resolved. The fact is, we find a way to live with it, but it never truly goes away. We ignore it and hope it will go away for years sometimes, and we don't like to bring it up because it's so painful (how can something that hurts so much help?). I asked about this in the first place because her feelings toward sex and retreat from it sounded very familiar, so I was fairly certain before you answered. She needs more very specialized therapy, and hopefully you can help her get it.

Reading these responses has given me a lot of hope, I wrote tis late at night, it just feels good to get it of my chest without "dumping" my insecurities on her. I dont see it as "her fault" or "my fault" I just want to compromise. Me never again enjoying sex is not a compromise.

Not blaming is a good outlook, but in a good relationship, you share happiness, sadness, hopes, and worries. If it's a solid relationship, you should both feel like you want to help share eachother's burdens. Not talking to her about this or telling her how you feel isn't going to help...it'll hurt you.

I think she is concerened about my happiness, but it is very hard for me to express my saddness to her without makeing it seem as if im acuseing her of something. I love her and want to work this out. I'm a patiant guy, if this takes five or ten years to sort out, so be it.

Thank you all again for the advice and sympathy, i needed it

Now lets all talk about felatio

Essentially, you have a friendship. That's great. Be her friend and support and love her. Commit to being there for the next five or ten years, but you probably need to explore other avenues in terms of having a sexual relationship. There's no reason why you two can't agree to be best friends and date other people. And if her outlook on sex changes, perhaps you could try a relationship again in the future.

 

[odderotica]

Re: Re: Re: Re: I love My girlfriend

Originally posted by SweetErika [/q]
As others have said, you are likely mistaken about those issues being resolved. The fact is, we find a way to live with it, but it never truly goes away. We ignore it and hope it will go away for years sometimes, and we don't like to bring it up because it's so painful (how can something that hurts so much help?). I asked about this in the first place because her feelings toward sex and retreat from it sounded very familiar, so I was fairly certain before you answered. She needs more very specialized therapy, and hopefully you can help her get it.

From what you have described, that is close to what happened. Couples threrapy might be a good idea, as I am sure i have a few hang-ups in my closet too.

Part of the problem is every time "the subject" comes up things go wrong. It will take time to build, and i know this, but it was nice to have it pointed out by someone else.

As for therapy, i'm not sure how I could afford it, or if her insurance would pay for it.


Not blaming is a good outlook, but in a good relationship, you share happiness, sadness, hopes, and worries. If it's a solid relationship, you should both feel like you want to help share eachother's burdens. Not talking to her about this or telling her how you feel isn't going to help...it'll hurt you.

I know. But its like I'm pushing her and i do not want to do that. We talked a lot about sex when we first met, did a bit of sex later, and soon after (for medical reasons that I don't feel comfortable revealing in a public foroum) it stoped for 3 months. During her recovery, we still talked about sex alot, in her mind (again not that I really know) we've exausted the subject. Then four, then five. We had less and less relations, now we have (very slightly) more frequent relations, but I have found the last few unfullfilling.






Essentially, you have a friendship. That's great. Be her friend and support and love her. Commit to being there for the next five or ten years, but you probably need to explore other avenues in terms of having a sexual relationship. There's no reason why you two can't agree to be best friends and date other people. And if her outlook on sex changes, perhaps you could try a relationship again in the future.

It seems in my heart to late to turn back now and come back. I cant belive im gonna do this, but I feel like an undecided Republican now. I want to stay the course, I do! But all my friends, the media and everyone keep telling me if I vote for Kerry lpeople will like me, we can go hang out with our friends again, and cripples will walk. But if I vote Democrat, I'm f**king over people in a distant land whom I will never see again anyway.