I love My girlfriend

[odderotica]

Yeah I gotta say at 20 I thought I was "over" a lot of stuff... then I decided I was finally "over" it at 27.... and now I'm 32 and really facing it for the first time. (therapy therapy therapy )

LOL at 29 I think I know just enough about who I am and how I work to realize, I need some work

She's divorced, and she is my first true love. I started dateing late do to self image/esteem problems that have improved ove the last 5 years or so.

I've been with other girls (she kows all this) had fun with other girls (again she knows) but when i look at her, when she touches me its is different. It feels good, pure.

 

[iahtexan]

Run Forrest Run!

The posters above tell the same story I had to learn the difficult way. My Wife and I started out having sex like rabbits but slowly declined to the point the past year , it was virtually nill. We are in the midst of divorce now.

Sex is not everything in a marriage but a good indicator on the state of the marriage IMO. If you are having problems now you DEFINITELY will have the same problems X 2 in the marriage! Good luck!

 

[odderotica]

One thing I read in the book was that if sex is considered "good" then its 10 percent of the relationship. If its "bad" its 80%

 

[English Lady]

odderotica. I can really feel your pain here. I am sure it's not just about you and your need for sex/a loving touch. I know that that is part of it but I know you realise there is a deeper problem that needs sorting out here too

It may be difficult to have a conversation about this but it is a conversation that needs to be had. You can tell her your worries and fears without making her feel bad. You've got to be tactful and I would tell her that you are worried about her and your relationship more than anything else.

It definitely seems like for some reason she is trying to push you away. You need to work out why this is and then you can take steps from there.

may be some form of counselling is the way to go...maybe look into possible free counselling programmes in your area (I know there are some over here in England...not so sure about the US set up though -sorry) but some communicating does need doing. I can definitely see that

Take care and do something now before you drive yourself mad with wondering *S*

 

[tristanwoo]

try not to fall into a pattern

ive only been married for 5 years so im no expert, but there is one important thing ive learnt to keep it interesting for both of you.

when you get to know a lady well you know exactly what turns her on and how she likes it. - this is a trap - dont fall into a pattern of going thru the same steps each time and fall into a pattern.
dont let her tell you what she wants, you show her what she wants.
Most importantly everytime you have sex explore her like she is brand new to you, with all the passion that involves.

ok thats pretty much what i have learnt so far about long term relationships
( that and girls that never played with themselves when they were young are allways bad in bed.)


remember being good in bed in a one night stand and being good in bed in a long term relationship are two very different sets of skills.

 

[odderotica]

Re: try not to fall into a pattern

ive only been married for 5 years so im no expert, but there is one important thing ive learnt to keep it interesting for both of you.

when you get to know a lady well you know exactly what turns her on and how she likes it. - this is a trap - dont fall into a pattern of going thru the same steps each time and fall into a pattern.
dont let her tell you what she wants, you show her what she wants.
Most importantly everytime you have sex explore her like she is brand new to you, with all the passion that involves.

ok thats pretty much what i have learnt so far about long term relationships
( that and girls that never played with themselves when they were young are allways bad in bed.)


remember being good in bed in a one night stand and being good in bed in a long term relationship are two very different sets of skills.

One problem I have here is that I want desperatly t oplease her, but I do not get the chance to try. She doesn't seem to want forplay at all. Once she decides she wants to have sex, we have it and its over.

 

[sweetnpetite]

Don't do it!

A lot of pain now, or a lifetime of misery? Which would you choose???

Break ups happen, you get over them. You don't 'get over' an unhappy, unfulfilling, frustrating marriage.

I think you can have an unfulfilling *relationship* and still have a fulfilling life. (maybe...) but I doubt you could have an unfulfilling *marriage* and have a fulfilling and happy life.

 

[sxylegs]

Re: Re: Re: I love My girlfriend

She just no longer thinks about it as much as she used to, in fact she almost never thinks about it.





[/B]

I am going thru the same thing with my boyfriend......he doesnt want sex......we are going to a concelor to see if we can get thru this.......One of the things you said your girlfriend said is "I dont think about it as much as i used to, in fact I hardly think about it at all.......That is what my boyfriend said to me and the councelor.........and the councelor stated that that is a control issue......They get us by giving us what we crave and then they take it away till we crave it more........It is typical pavlov......They are in control of the situation......
He is now teaching me to look at my boyfriend and tell him that I do not accept the situation as it is........
I bet you are also passive........We passive people get the shaft a lot ......We have to learn to stand up and get what we desire.....

 

[Joe21m]

My gf and I are in the midst of something similar. We used to have sex quite a bit in the first 1.5 years of our relationship. However, we got a few pets and those seemed to completely detract from her sexual need of me.

The number one thing I can recommend is what previous poster's have been touching on already: do not let this seep into other aspects of your relationship. If you want to talk about sex, talk about it. If you want to fight about sex, fight about it. Do not let a disagreement over something minor spill into a big fight; for, in reality, you're fighting about sex.

Discuss the issues as they stand. Honesty is always the best policy.

Though it has been 1.5 years since we started having trouble, things have improved. My gf is conservative in bed, and always has been, so it has been a gentle progression to get her to loosen up. Breaking the routine was hard to do (just because she doesn't want sex doesn't mean she can't cum hard).

If you've invested time, effort, and money and you still feel no reprieve, you already know what you must do. However, keep both feet and mind firmly on her side of the door to do the relationship justice.

On a side note, this issue I'm having with my lady is becoming increasingly complicated. There is a nice young lady I know that is as amazing as my gf and she has made her interests clear.

On another side note, does this not speak to why waiting to marry to have sex is such a moronic idea? Frankly, when I make a commitment to someone, I want to commit to them whole and entire. No surprises:

"Happy honeymoon honey, I love you so much! Oh, and that is SO not going into me."

 

[SweetErika]

My gf and I are in the midst of something similar. We used to have sex quite a bit in the first 1.5 years of our relationship. However, we got a few pets and those seemed to completely detract from her sexual need of me.

Pets? As in fish, puppies, kitties, birds, etc.? Or children? Or sex toys?

 

[Joe21m]

Pets as in a cat, and now two guinea pigs. I'm not sure about the details, but she seems to mentally revert to a time when her pets sufficed for affection, and not men.

 

[SmilinAngel]

Yeah, I'm in a similar position. We aren't sexless yet, but we do have plenty of bedroom issues. He's a morning sex person, I'm a night sex person. I like lots of foreplay, he does not. He likes me to be on bottom, I like to be on top. He likes plain, routine, bedroom, on-the-bed-only type sex. I like to be spontaneous and fun. He only needs 2-3 times a week (if that), and I like it a regular 4-5 times a week. You get the idea ... and we're already engaged. How do we make it work? Compromise. We usually have sex in the day (mostly quickies) or in the early evening before dinner, and on the weekends, about 3-4 times a week. He ventures out into the living room sometimes, and has even threatened to give me car sex, so we'll see. It's not easy, and I have to please myself on occasion, but the root of it is that I love him, and I know that we have the rest of our lives to get our rhythms synced together. I hope this helps! Good Luck!

 

[odderotica]

thanks to everyone for the advice. The problem is going to take a lot of work, it just seems to me that she won't let me disscus them the way I feel we need to. Every time I bring up sex she either changes the subject, or (unintentionally) makes me feel greedy for wanting more.

She is so happy, and mostly I am happy to, but I feel like if im goin to commit myself like this, i need more return.

and yes, I am disscussing this with her when ever I can.

 

[smoothdevil]

I feel that too many people want to go back and fix the problem. or analyse it to death. One can never go back, at best you may be able to prevent a future problem.

Not to say that with therapy, compromise, etc, etc, you can not deal with the problem or even live with it. But as someone suggested, it will always be lurking in your mind and it will raise it's ugly head at every opportunity .. it's called doubt.

Hard choice, but sometimes one must cry now to laugh in the future. Compromise, especially something as important as your self worth, will only exasperate the problem long term.

Sometimes love means you will have to let go or destroy yourself in the process. Not an easy point of view. Bonne chance.

 

[tobofins]

I was in a 4 year relationship that turned into what you are talking about. I won't bore you with the details but we fixed it by both finding new people to be with. When we talk about it now she realizes that she just didn't want to have sex with me anymore. Although she would never admit that while we were dating. My advice to you is to move on, ultimately you'll both be happier.

 

[vargas111]

Do not marry. Counseling may help if she will go to it with you. Her reaction to the books makes me think she will not.

One respondent said:

I bet most women in this kind of relationship understand that you want and need more sex perfectly well, so "trying to get her to understand" could be futile and often damaging. Concerns often come out as an accusations, hence the response, "there's nothing wrong with me," she feels attacked, and she shuts down. Perhaps a more cooperative approach such as asking her how you can better satisfy her needs (not sexual) or what you can do together to improve your friendship/relationship would work better.

I do not agree. I was there with my wife and she said she thought se was "keeping me satisfied" (about once a month!). I did not tell her for years how unsatisfied I was and when I did she seemed not to believe it. What's this about "communication" and "telling her your feelings" that guys are supposed never to do if you cannot tell her -- in a loving way -- how frustrated you are by the lack of sex.

On the basis of my experinece, I am not optimistic she can change, and you SHOULD NOT just accept that you will be sexually frustrated becasue you love her. If she loves you she will try to change -- read books, go to counselling.

 

[SweetErika]

Do not marry. Counseling may help if she will go to it with you. Her reaction to the books makes me think she will not.

One respondent said:

I bet most women in this kind of relationship understand that you want and need more sex perfectly well, so "trying to get her to understand" could be futile and often damaging. Concerns often come out as an accusations, hence the response, "there's nothing wrong with me," she feels attacked, and she shuts down. Perhaps a more cooperative approach such as asking her how you can better satisfy her needs (not sexual) or what you can do together to improve your friendship/relationship would work better.

I do not agree. I was there with my wife and she said she thought se was "keeping me satisfied" (about once a month!). I did not tell her for years how unsatisfied I was and when I did she seemed not to believe it. What's this about "communication" and "telling her your feelings" that guys are supposed never to do if you cannot tell her -- in a loving way -- how frustrated you are by the lack of sex.

On the basis of my experinece, I am not optimistic she can change, and you SHOULD NOT just accept that you will be sexually frustrated becasue you love her. If she loves you she will try to change -- read books, go to counselling.

I was certainly not suggesting you shouldn't communicate your wants, needs, and frustrations with that comment Vargas. I was just pointing out that when you get a response like, "There's nothing wrong with me" you might need to change your approach because your partner feels like you are blaming them. People who feel attacked don't tend to listen very well or work with you to solve the problem, so a different approach will likely get you much better results.

 

[Luv70sfords]

PArdon me if this has already been said. Havent read the whole bit yet.

Is your girlfirend on any kind of birth control? When my wife switched from depo to the pill, her sex drive slowly went away untill it was just as you say. Get in and get it over with.

Luckily (yep) she got pregnant while on the pill. So during her pregnancy, and the following months of breast feeding, she was as horny as ever. Soon as she got back on the pill it went away. Now what finally clued us in on what was going on was she changed insurance, and actually had to go a few months without the pill, and BAM she was horny again. Got on a new different pill, and her sex drive disappeared again.

We've decided to forgo the pill, and are just using condoms untill after her 21st birthday (thank god its only a few weeks away now) at which point we will be trying for our 2nd child, then I get the ole snippy snippy. No more condoms for this guy EVER AGAIN!!!!

 

[vargas111]

It's important to find out what the problem is. In my case it was NOT the Pill, she never used it. Reluctnce to be pregnant agains was part of it, but even after menopause she did not want sex. I think she just never needed it as much as I did.

 

[baretta]

Medical Exam?

Lower libido , often accompanied by fatigue, lethargy, and apathy can be a symptom of a number of medical disorders. Before engaging in any armchair psychoanalysis, if I loved her
I would want her to have a checkup to make sure she is physically sound.